How do you handle sibling rivalry and general misbehaving?

[willoughbyclan]

I am to the point that I am seeking outside help. My DDs are 6,9,11, and13. It seems that when they are not "fighting", they are "fighting". I keep telling myself that they will grow out of it as they mature but I don't think my sanity can last that long. My DH is no help at all. He comes from parents who just yelled about everything with really no discipline. It really takes away from what I know could be quality, enjoyable family time together. I do not allow them to be physical with each other, defiinte NO NO, however it seems that they have an endless supply of "put downs" and just generally being rude and mean to each other. How do I get them to just be nice to each other? My husband and I do not treat each other or our DDs in that way, so they are not "living what they learn".
I keeping repeating myself over and over and over "don't say that, that's hurtful", "don't talk to her in that tone",etc, hoping that eventually it will sink in but I have given up hope. My DH and I will also ground them to their rooms or put the younger one in time-out for a short period. I'm desperate now because my DD6 is beginning to behave in this way and I want to put a stop to it before "everyone" is at each other's throats. I think that would be it for me. I have (3) siblings and we would disagree occasionally but never to this point, so I don't buy the "all siblings fight" mentality. I have tried some of Dr. Phil's suggestions as well as some of the tactics that the SuperNanny uses but I have yet to find anything that really works.

I have received so many good ideas on other topics from these boards that I feel certain there are many of you out there that have persevered and could share your wisdom with me. I want to be able to take them places and everyone enjoy the time together as a family.

COMMUNITY BOARD , PLEASE HELP ME GET MY FAMILY BACK!!!! (Borrowed from Dr. Phil, of course)

 

[nuke]

I have a friend that has a mixed family. Her kids, his kids, our kids. There are 4 kids total. They do not allow them to be nasty to one another. She told me one time that she wouldn't not tolerate a stranger talking and saying nasty things to her children, why would she tolerate their siblings doing the same thing. That makes so much sense to me.
I only have one child so I dont' have those issues but my neice and nephew are just so mean to one another to the point of cruel sometimes. I just don't think I could tolerate that behavior in my house and I would do everything I could to stop it.
I wish you luck.

 

[oxfordcircus]

When y'all solve this, get to work on curing cancer.

 

[willoughbyclan]

When y'all solve this, get to work on curing cancer.

OxfordCircus you are hilarious! You have me in tears!

Now please, some real suggestions.

 

[Glinda64]

I read once that it is a good idea to ask the kids to take it to another room or outside. That way, they don't get the attention that they are seeking from you and Dad. The "fight" won't last very long, since there isn't an audience. I haven't tried it, but it might be worth a shot.

 

[DVCLiz]

Mine are 5 years apart, so we haven't had much of this, but when it started for any reason, I told my older daughter, "You know, you are the kind of girl you are because of the way Dad and I treated you, but your sister is going to be the kind of girl she grows up to be because of the way you treat her. If you are rude and ugly to her, you will end up with a sister who is rude and ugly to you. If you show her how to be nice and how to treat people kindly, that is what she will learn. Which kind of sister do you want next to you when you are old ladies and Dad and I are not here anymore?" It really made an impact on her, I think. My girls are really close, and I hate to hear you are going through this. I wonder if it's mostly a competition thing - they are pretty close in age.

I'd certainly lay down the law about being rude, and I'd make everyone spend some time in their rooms the next time it happens. But if those kinds of home grown efforts aren't working, I'd move pretty quickly to some family counseling, at least for you and maybe for you and DH, so you can both learn how to work together when it starts up at home. Counselors usually have pretty good resources they can share with you, and it's always helpful to get another point of view, even if it's just reinforcing what you are already doing.

Good luck!!

 

[rhonhod]

My 2 kids are 1 year and 2 weeks apart. When they fight or call each other names they have to hug and give each other a kiss (on the cheek) and if it's bad they have to hug, kiss, hold hands for 5 mins then tell the other they love them. They don't fight much anymore. Maybe a name call once a week! Because they are 13 & 12 and they hate it!!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

My 2 DDs are almost 5 years apart and are at each other non-stop. The only surefire way to make it stop is to separate them - each to their own room - which is no fun because the computers are out in the living room.

Good luck!

 

[VirtuallyMe]

Duct Tape?

 

[mickeyboat]

We go through periods of this, too, usually in the winter time when they don't spend enough time outside. My girls are less than a year apart, and in the same grade in school, so they are together a lot more than I would ever want to be with the same person.

Sometimes they need their space, so DH and I try to do activities with them separately.

The last week or so has been really bad - "mom, she hit me, mom she is looking at me funny." I tell DH that I would like to tell them just to beat the crap out of each other and leave me out of it. I like Glinda's idea of having them take it to another room, but where is the balance when you should ignore it and when you should intervene?

OP - I really think you need to get your DH involved. Come up with some strategy/rule structure which you both can enforce. You need to back one another up.

Denae

 

[pyrxtc]

not allowing them to play or talk to each other seems to work here. I am also a hands on disciplinarian. Both my Dh and I are. We also have them sit up high on their knees on the most uncomfortable floor (tile works awesome) cross their arms and stay there. For the older ones, extra work around the house does the trick too.

 

[ElizaB39]

My 2 kids are 1 year and 2 weeks apart. When they fight or call each other names they have to hug and give each other a kiss (on the cheek) and if it's bad they have to hug, kiss, hold hands for 5 mins then tell the other they love them. They don't fight much anymore. Maybe a name call once a week! Because they are 13 & 12 and they hate it!!

I have used a version this tactic. It helps too because they usually end up laughing at each other. I would have my two tell each other they are sorry. Then they each have to say, "Sister, I love you." or "Brother, I love you." Then they have to hug and kiss on the cheek. Sometimes I would make them say, "You are the best brother/sister in the world."

I have also heard of parents telling their kids to take it outside (unheated porch or garage in winter) and they could only come back inside if they stopped fighting. No Coats! Of course I live in SE PA so it doesn't usually get lower than the 20's here. It would be a problem if you lived in AK or MN etc. I haven't tried this, haven't needed to (yet)!

 

[ElizaB39]

Mine are 5 years apart, so we haven't had much of this, but when it started for any reason, I told my older daughter, "You know, you are the kind of girl you are because of the way Dad and I treated you, but your sister is going to be the kind of girl she grows up to be because of the way you treat her. If you are rude and ugly to her, you will end up with a sister who is rude and ugly to you. If you show her how to be nice and how to treat people kindly, that is what she will learn. Which kind of sister do you want next to you when you are old ladies and Dad and I are not here anymore?" It really made an impact on her, I think. My girls are really close, and I hate to hear you are going through this. I wonder if it's mostly a competition thing - they are pretty close in age.

I'd certainly lay down the law about being rude, and I'd make everyone spend some time in their rooms the next time it happens. But if those kinds of home grown efforts aren't working, I'd move pretty quickly to some family counseling, at least for you and maybe for you and DH, so you can both learn how to work together when it starts up at home. Counselors usually have pretty good resources they can share with you, and it's always helpful to get another point of view, even if it's just reinforcing what you are already doing.

Good luck!!

I like this idea.

 

[hydster]

AAHH yes sibling rivalry! Gotta love it dontcha? I have 3 kids but the 2 oldest are a girl and a boy so that doesn't come into play much but it has in the past a few times.

I think sometimes kids do this because they WANT you to intervene because that makes it safe to fight. They know you'll step in. As soon as they start it I would first try Hey guys take it outside. It's an effective way of dealing with fights about anything.

After they have "finished" I would calmly sit them down and find out why they were feeling the way they were. Were they mad, sad, frustrated, feeling left out?? Why did they resort to the nastiness instead of just trying to work it out? They need to identify their feelings first and then identify different ways to handle them other than the way they just did. You can always use "Modeling" with them with something like

"If I went and said those mean and nasty things to my boss (or dad's boss or hit him or whatever the offending behavior was from your kids) Mr. Jackson whenever I felt frustrated I probably wouldn't be as happy *or employed* as if I handled my frustration another way. It's a way to have them figure out a different strategy than railing out insults or eye rolls at each other. It puts more "responsibility" on them than on you.

My friend has a foster child living with her family. He has been known to be physically and verbally abusive to other kids. She got great advice from a social worker she works with. She told her that every time he did the offending behavior to find a chore for him to do with the explanation that every time he says mean things or hits it drains energy from their family but when he cleans behind the refrigerator on his hands and knees it puts that energy back into the family. Worked like a charm on him! Whenever he starts getting to "that" point all my friend has to do is look at him and say "Uh oh I feel an energy drain coming on" and he stops in his tracks!

Dunno if it will help your problems but it might be worth a shot!

 

[willoughbyclan]

Well, my DH and I set the girls down last night and had a long talk with them. Kinda like this....

You know, you are the kind of girl you are because of the way Dad and I treated you, but your sister is going to be the kind of girl she grows up to be because of the way you treat her. If you are rude and ugly to her, you will end up with a sister who is rude and ugly to you. If you show her how to be nice and how to treat people kindly, that is what she will learn. Which kind of sister do you want next to you when you are old ladies and Dad and I are not here anymore?"

Thanks to DVCLiz.

We decided to use a combination of these:

I have also heard of parents telling their kids to take it outside (unheated porch or garage in winter) and they could only come back inside if they stopped fighting. No Coats!

Thanks to ElizaB39

When they fight or call each other names they have to hug and give each other a kiss (on the cheek) and if it's bad they have to hug, kiss, hold hands for 5 mins then tell the other they love them.

Thanks to RhonHod

We use the "outside" for misbehaving and the kissing, saying I love you and holding hands for the obvious, mistreatment of their sibling.

DD11 has been outside twice, DD6 has been outside (3) times, DD9 has been outside twice and DD13 has yet to be banished to "outside" yet.

DD6 and DD9 have had to hold each other's hand twice as a result of DD9 calling her a name. ElizaB39 was right, didn't take long until they were laughing hysterically.

I'm sure it didn't take you long to figure out which is my current "problem child". They have each had their own "phases" but DD9's phase seems to be lasting FOREVER!

So far so good, wish me luck and thank you so much for all your suggestions!

 

[ElizaB39]

Yayy! I hope it helps on an ongoing basis.

Best Wishes.