How do you "fix" (undo) parenting????

[jlder72]

I have been a single DM from day 1 with no complaints and a lot of hard work. I hold a graduate degree so money has never been an issue. My DD is 12.

Due to events in the military and private life I am now a SAHM on military disilbility and SSDI. I can not get my DD to do anything.

I have always showed her a good work ethic, dropping her at daycare at 6:30 and picking her up at 6:00. Now I am home during the day other than my volunteer activities with meals on wheels.

I ask her to do anything and the response is "you are home all day you can do it". She does not realize what a struggle it is to just get moving in the morning. Any unplanned shopping trip turns into a panic attack. The doorbell ringing during the days turns into a panic attack. If a mission is not planned it turns into a panic attack. Yet all she sees is mom at home all day.

How can I fix this? Any advice is appreciated.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Do you qualify for any family counselling?

I have a 12 y/o daughter too and they do not understand how much work it is to keep a house running.

Can you spend some time together doing the chores such as laundry, cleaning, and cooking together so that she can see how much time is involved?

How long have you been at home now?
What types of things are you trying to get DD to do?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My kids took advantage of me when I was very sick from hyperemesis last year. While they didn't "destroy" the house deliberately, days of not listening and finally days of just playing and playing and playing left my home in a destroyed state. When I got better, the discipline wasn't there even though I tried and I figured out that my older children were taking advantage of the situation as they figured out that I would tire out and give up and not follow up.

However, they NEVER said anything like that.

It is time to call your daughter to the carpet on her behavior. She is taking advantage of you. It isn't that she lacks a work ethic, it is that she feels that you have a new housekeeper/servant and that is you.

Call her to the carpet on it. Prohibit her from activities. Prohibit her from her life if she wants to carry on that entitled bratty behavior. It is wrong and that to me is more important than the fact that she doesn't want to do the dishes (as an example).

While my kids knew just when I would cry uncle, I could get them to do some things. We do homeschool and that part was the most challenging and it didn't get finished until August at a slow pace. But it did get done.

Now that I am well, it is taking months to undo the learned behaviors they have gotten away with in the last year. To add insult to injury, I wasn't single, but dad was away. So there was no backup to say "listen to mom", though I did get him on the phone a few times.

Time to rein it in. And since she feels inclined to have you as her made, I'd make her become yours, at least temporarily. If she can't do her fair share, then she can do all the work and come to appreciate how little she is asked to do.

My dd is only 10, but that maneuver seems to be effective. Complain and I just provide more until the original assignments can be done without complaint the next time I ask.

As for your condition--she's in the eye rolling mode, she isn't going to care what your condition is.

My mom is disabled and had issues in child rearing. I'd be lying if I said we cared. But we did love it when mom cleaned the house and I resented some (but not all) of my chores b/c they were dictated by lazy stepfathers who called me a very wretched name to indicate exactly where my place was. But I digress.

As we got older, we appreciated the magnitude of my mom's disability. But back then... "Ummm...well your mom, whadda ya mean you can't do my chores?"

We would have NEVER gotten away with back talk. Which is why I hated my chores, but did them anyway.

I would just make sure that if you don't have a physical limitation that you make sure that you haven't turned your dd into the made. She may be very resentful and feel like she is doing everything for you. That isn't fair for her either.

But for now--it sounds like she needs a lesson in minding and empathy and how not to speak to you in a snitty, entitled manner. You can share the chores with her later.

And yes--my 10 and 8 yo did get paid back for their defiance of yester-year. The 10yo especially didn't like her lack of a summer vacation. But one gets summer school when they don't do homework and one gets to spend a long time cleaning when one spent many months failing to clean up after themselves.

Everything is much better now. But I don't have a disability and I do have my husband now. But the bigger key was to firmly let them know that mom is back and mom isn't taking it anymore.

But there is a light at the end of a the tunnel. It is time to set your foot down and get to it.

And if she has a cell phone, ipod, any other "my teen will die without this gadget" gadget....it is probably time to put them and her on lockdown. She hasn't been earning the privilege of using them.

 

[disneyred]

i feel for you .. sometimes the things my daughter says .......well.....

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My buttons aren't working..."made" should be "maid".

 

[lovetoscrap]

I know that others will disagree but I am a tough love parent. You only owe her a roof over her head, nutritious food, and some clean clothes to wear to school. Anything else she has to earn, including TV, computer, phone, music, social time, food that she likes, and even clothes that she likes.

She doesn't want to help around the house then she can sit in an empty bedroom after she has done her homework and stare at the 4 walls from her bed. For dinner she can have a PB&J and some carrot sticks and canned fruit and milk. She can have 5 outfits to wear to school-- basic outfits like pants and a plain tshirt. And if she doesn't want to wash them on the weekend then she may find her friends don't like to hang out with her when her clothes stink.

It sounds like you have tried a "teamwork" approach-- asking her to help because you need it and you love her and think she will help you out because she loves you, and it isn't working. I am guessing that her life is way to comfortable right now and she has no motivation to help out around the house. Once you supply that motivation she will probably come around!

I do also see the other side-- that her life has probably been flipped upside down. Daycare is a lot different than at home, and other than putting away the things you played with not a lot is expected of you there as far as helping out. She may need some guidance and help learning how to do some chores. Now you are home all the time, it sounds like your health is an issue and she may be very scared about that. If you are having panic attacks that is probably really confusing and even terrifying for a 12 year old to have to witness. You are right, she doesn't understand and that is very scary for her. I would probably see if there is a counselor at school or an outside professional that she can talk with. I hope that you are also able to see someone to help you out. Living like that has got to be frustrating and scary for you too. Good Luck

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Sorry you are having so many panic attacks.

I would just let her know that her helping you with chores is now a fact of life. First of all you need the help. Secondly she needs to learn how to do things for when she is old enough to move out. You're not punishing her, your actually doing her a favor. I would maybe start her off slow with small things everyday or a couple big things a couple of times a week.

Maybe start an allowance for her or increase her allowance.

 

[Anna114]

You may want to sit down and give her all of the facts "that she needs" However, you having the time to do something has no bearing on her doing her chores. Perhaps a chore list, after she completes it she is rewarded (extra computer time, phone time video games etc) I don't envy you "undoing" is much harder in the long run. Good luck and God bless. Thank you for your service.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No advice or answers, except for some EXTREMELY truthful eye-openers and tough love.

Just know that I can very personally empathize with your situation. Let's send each other hugs.


I do agree with the above poster that if my child ( DS - 12 ) said that to me, there would be dire consequences... and I would let them know, very specifically, that "Just because I am home DOES NOT mean that I can do it.... And does NOT mean that you are entitled to be waited on hand and foot and should be responsible for NOTHING." This type of comment and attitude would very quickly become a punishable offense.

Yes, 12 is young... she truly thinks, as a little kid, that 'mama does it all'.... But, that does not mean that this shouldn't change NOW.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: If you are hoping that your daughter will 'understand' that she needs to help out.... If you are hoping for your daughter to 'understand' your feelings and limitations..... DON'T. She is an immature, self-absorbed, pre-teen girl... Don't even begin to make it all about 'you'. (even though you are completely justified in those feelings!)

You should however, expect her to take on the responsibility of chores and assistance because no human being deserves a free ride... THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS...

You should, however, expect her to treat you with respect because that is how we as human beings and family must treat each other... THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS.

Don't make things emotional or negotiable. That's right, not emotional or negotiable.
Not with a 12 year old.....
You will probably lose out every time on that front!

 

[shortbun]

I would just tell her that she, as a member of the family, is responsible for these things. It would not be a choice for her and there would be some pretty severe consequences if her jobs were not done within reason. I think there is a special bond between girls and their moms but at the same time there is a special kind of friction too.
Show her how to do the laundry and then refuse to do hers. Don't take her anywhere unless her responsibilities are covered. Take away her phone privileges, take away her IPOD, remove her TV. Do these things one at a time until she's been stripped of all that she holds dear and realizes how important these jobs are. Above all, it is critical that you remain calm at all times. She might scream something really horrible at you and four minutes later she'll be all lovey and ask you what's wrong-right?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I am not sure how possible it is to reverse 12 years of behavior without a major stimuli.

We have a very close friend (my wife's best friend) who is a single mother. She never made her son help in any way growing up. She now needs the help, and he doesn't care. He is 22 years old, lives in her home, eats her food, and tells her that she is lazy and a loser because she won't buy him a new car. Imagine?

She still refuses to throw him out. She knows that the behavior will only get worse, but she can't get tough. She just isn't strong enough.

Good luck, and I wish that I had answers, but I suspect that you are going to have to make some really hard decisions (and stick to them) if you are to change this behavior.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Tough love.

 

[mamacatnv]

Tell her exactly what you just told us.

My 12 year old DD is still somewhat reasonable and can be reasoned with but I have learned that it really depends on the approach.

FWIW we are dealing with a bit of "mouth" right now and we stomp on it the minute it comes out of her mouth. I honestly think that if you don't point out the snotty tone, attitude etc. they don't see much wrong with it. This is the way they converse, it is what they see on TV etc. Letting her know bluntly and right here and now that her comments are unacceptable might help.

Also, since it is just the 2 of you, I think a pow-wow is in order. You need to arrive at some expectations and IMO those need to go both ways. If something your DD wants on a spur of the moment basis would set you off then you need to have a plan so that she can ask you to do something but you still have the time to plan it so you can handle it etc. The same is true of household chores. You need to have expectations and a schedule that you both agree on and can live with. If she is part of the planning there is not a lot of wiggle room when she doesn't uphold her end of the deal. That is when things like phones, tv's and ipods etc. begin to disappear.

 

[jlder72]

Thank you for all the responses. I think I will start with letting her read through thrm.

 

[cm8]

I know that others will disagree but I am a tough love parent. You only owe her a roof over her head, nutritious food, and some clean clothes to wear to school. Anything else she has to earn, including TV, computer, phone, music, social time, food that she likes, and even clothes that she likes.

She doesn't want to help around the house then she can sit in an empty bedroom after she has done her homework and stare at the 4 walls from her bed. For dinner she can have a PB&J and some carrot sticks and canned fruit and milk. She can have 5 outfits to wear to school-- basic outfits like pants and a plain tshirt. And if she doesn't want to wash them on the weekend then she may find her friends don't like to hang out with her when her clothes stink.

It sounds like you have tried a "teamwork" approach-- asking her to help because you need it and you love her and think she will help you out because she loves you, and it isn't working. I am guessing that her life is way to comfortable right now and she has no motivation to help out around the house. Once you supply that motivation she will probably come around!

I do also see the other side-- that her life has probably been flipped upside down. Daycare is a lot different than at home, and other than putting away the things you played with not a lot is expected of you there as far as helping out. She may need some guidance and help learning how to do some chores. Now you are home all the time, it sounds like your health is an issue and she may be very scared about that. If you are having panic attacks that is probably really confusing and even terrifying for a 12 year old to have to witness. You are right, she doesn't understand and that is very scary for her. I would probably see if there is a counselor at school or an outside professional that she can talk with. I hope that you are also able to see someone to help you out. Living like that has got to be frustrating and scary for you too. Good Luck

She doesn't sound like she appreciated any of the sacrifices that you have made for her. I think Christmas for her this year would be canceled with the quickness. A note telling her that she should do it herself could motivate her in ways lighting a fire under someone's but would. .

I hope that you are able to get this under control before it progresses. We could not do that in the household we grew up in. That would have landed us in the dentist chair and or resulted in going outside to pick a "switch" of the tree and heaven forbid you came back with a tiny one

Talking back is not tolerated in our household. She would be shown the door immediately. There are many children who would jump at the chance to be given half that things she probably has. I hope that she comes around to see that you need her to help out more and willingly. I hope she comes around

 

[quasar4legs]

A great book that our family loved was 'the 7 habits of highly effective families' by Stephen Covey. We didn't follow it totally but picked out the bits that we thought were helpful for us.
When our son was growing up we had weekly family meetings where we set individual and family goals and then made up contracts about how things would operate in our family.
I'm not explaining it very well but if your local library has a copy you may find it useful.

Quasar

 

[gillep]

From a very early age my brother and I knew that part of being in a family meant that we had certain responsibilities that had to get done. My mom did major cleaning like vacuuming/mopping and laundry on the weekends, my dad was in charge of the lawn/garden, my brother did daily picking up/getting the mail etc and I was always in charge of cooking (from about 11 on and starting at age 16, when I had a car, I also was in charge of grocery shopping), this was all in addition to keeping our personal rooms clean and our individual responsibilities of work/school.

My brother and I also each had an after school paper route starting at age 10 until each of us went to college. This was just a part of life, if we did not accomplish these things we could not do ANYTHING else at all. No calling friends, no computer, no TV, NOTHING. We obviously started very young with less responsibility, and honestly it never felt like extra because it was ingrained in us that it was the price of being a part of the family.

As a result my brother and I were given a lot of freedoms, our parents felt like we were responsible kids and deserved respect and freedom as a result. I have to say I am so thankful for this now. I am 26 and I know people who still can't cook, and don't find it important to pick up after themselves because their parents always did it. In college these people were impossible to live with, and they were obviously not people you would ever want to marry.

So no real advice just know that making her take responsibility around the house is good for HER in the end and let her know that this is non-negotiable she does these things for the family or she has no freedoms/extras in her life.

 

[wilderness01]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would have a problem with her mouth and lack of respect towards you. I hope it gets better. Sounds like you need some tough love with her.

 

[jsmith]

If you live in a military community-get her into counseling on the installation with a family counselor who understands what you are going thru-one of the things that people tend to miss is that PTSD ( im guessing this is the cause of your panic attacks) doesnt just affect the person who suffers it affects the people around them. Tough love is only going to go so far in this case and she needs to accept how much things have changed for you-and how different her life is going to be going forward. You and she both need family counseling-as well as the individual counseling i sincerely hope you are getting. She also needs individual counseling. This is not something that is going to go away-or even get better in a hurry and its going to take effort on everyones part.