How do you deal with someone who knows no personal boundries?? (it gets long)

[JESW]

There is a woman who is the Mom of one of my dd's new friends - they have known each other just this year in school - both are in 5th grade. The girl is a very sweet, quiet child who my dd adores and we have had her over our house 2x just this past week.

The problem I have with the Mom is that she butts right into everything. I pick dd up after school 2x a week and her dd is in the same after-school program my dd is in so I see her there. The first time I met her I was talking with another friend and this Mom came right over, introduced herself, and then just started talking...and talking...and talking.. My friend & I just sort of looked at her and made some comments to be polite. This Mom has her own business so several times that came up in the conversation.

This past Saturday her dd came over our house for about 2 & 1/2 hours - had to leave as she had to go somewhere else. When she heard that my dd's bd was this week and she didn't want a party she said that dd could go over their house that day and she would have a cake and they could have a party there....huh???

Monday the kids had off so she called and asked if her dd could come over our house again for a while. My dd was thrilled so I said ok. She was here for seven hours! The Mom went off to the movies with her Mom and did some shopping, etc. Now the day went fine, but really, seven hours??? (just before noon until 7 p.m.)

Today I saw her again up at the school. Since it was election day and our town votes at the school, I saw a lot of my friends and neighbors. Every.single.time. I was having a conversation with one of them she would just come right over, introduce herself and then become part of the conversation! Every singe time! I even ran into one of our elderly neighbors I hadn't seen in a while and she gave me a big hug - the Mom came over and asked - "Can I have a hug too?" and then hugged a stranger! Who does things like that?? Then started in with the woman about the health problems her FIL was having...huh??

I am basically a private person and all this invasion of my personal space is driving me crazy! Our kids have a couple of the same classes so she has called and asked for help - and sometimes she has called several times a night. I really don't know how to respond to her. If my dd didn't like her dd it would be no problem, but this girl is one of her good friends now and I do like the girl - but not so much the Mom. It is not that she is a bad person, but she just doesn't seem to know where the line is and I don't know how to tell her. She just met me two weeks ago and already she wants us to go to lunch, go to the gym together, go walking together, etc. Uhhhhh....

She also goes off on many different tangents when she talks...she wants my dd to sleep over her house (ain't gonna happen), wants my dd to do sewing projects with her (dd has no interest), wants the girls to hang out ALL the time (my dd has other friends too) - and she even called me when she was out yesterday to remind me that the girls had a math test the next day and could I have them study for it? (My dd is in a different math class and had it on Friday)

How on earth do I deal with this woman and still have dd be friends with her dd?? I will see her again after school tomorrow but there is also another woman who I AM friends with who I see on Wednesdays and I would like to be able to talk with her without busy-body butting in!

I would appreciate any words of wisdom you may want to give!

Jill

 

[Bluestars]

That would drive me crazy. I guess you can make excuses why they can't study together and be together all of the time. My reaction to someone who comes on too strong is to back away. You have my sympathy.

 

[minkydog]

I don't know what to tell you to get her to back down, but she sounds very very lonely. She probably doesn't realize the effect she has on people. And there's probably no gentle way to break it to her--she's gonna have her feelings hurt no matter what you say. This lady sounds intense and I would be put off too. But even with all that said, I think she just wants a friend so badly.

Good luck.

 

[emer95]

Unfortunately with people like that you need to be kind but distant. I would screen your calls and only call her back if you really need to talk. This is a touchy situation, and I've known people like this before. If you give them an inch they'll take a mile. Then you'll really end up with an awkward situation! Hopefully she'll get the hint and back off eventually.

 

[JESW]

Thanks for the responses. I do get the fact that she is probably lonely and wants friends, but she comes on way too strong.

I am dealing with health issues right now and my "job" is taking care of my elderly parents. Any free time I have I want to spend with my family or my friends and I don't want to "break in" a new friend. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I just don't have the energy to get involved with someone who is so needy. I won't be mean to her, but I really do need to get her to back-off some. She will probably ask for the girls to get together this weekend but we really are busy for most of it. I also want dd to spend time with some of her other friends too. Knowing this Mom, if she found out another girl was coming over she would probably invite her dd here.

It's almost 11:00 and I am still on the computer so I know this is really bothering me...I am not looking forward to after-school tomorrow!

 

[emer95]

Thanks for the responses. I do get the fact that she is probably lonely and wants friends, but she comes on way too strong.

I am dealing with health issues right now and my "job" is taking care of my elderly parents. Any free time I have I want to spend with my family or my friends and I don't want to "break in" a new friend. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I just don't have the energy to get involved with someone who is so needy. I won't be mean to her, but I really do need to get her to back-off some. She will probably ask for the girls to get together this weekend but we really are busy for most of it. I also want dd to spend time with some of her other friends too. Knowing this Mom, if she found out another girl was coming over she would probably invite her dd here.

It's almost 11:00 and I am still on the computer so I know this is really bothering me...I am not looking forward to after-school tomorrow!

You don't sound harsh at all. You shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to do or take on anymore than you can. It has taken me a long time to learn this. Tacke care of yourself.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How on earth do I deal with this woman and still have dd be friends with her dd?? I will see her again after school tomorrow but there is also another woman who I AM friends with who I see on Wednesdays and I would like to be able to talk with her without busy-body butting in!

I would appreciate any words of wisdom you may want to give!

Jill

You have to cool the jets on the friend. Set up boundaries and start saying no. Then see what she does. You don't have to say no all the time, just the times when you are not able to deal with her and her 7 hour child visits.

As far as butting in with conversations, that is a tough one. In that situation you just ignore what she says and don't ask anything further if she brings up something.

That is all I can think of.

 

[disykat]

How about trying the motherly correction route. Either she'll get really annoyed and find other targets or she'll learn something.

I don't envy you because I've been in this spot and it's hard!

 

[Imzadi]

Jill, I feel for you. You are very sensitive, caring person. So naturally you don't want to hurt her feelings or respond in a way that would upset her. But, your ideas of what would be upsetting and insensitive are probably totally lost on her.

So don't worry about being harsh or blunt. She sounds like she has an inappropriate an dense gene.

Or, she may look like and adult and a mom, but she's an inappropriate, needy child underrneath. Some people are just plain psychic vampires. I seriously doubt that she has gotten this far in life and doesn't know she her effect on people. Most people who've gotten that far in life generally DO know it. They are counting on you to be too polite to say anything. If anything, that's WHY she's latched onto you. Because you haven't pushed her back yet. She's probably learned to latch onto polite victims. And she will continue to be this way until YOU set some bondaries and be firm about them.

What seems like being blunt and insensitive to you, she may not even get until you state it clearly a few times. Some people just don't get it. Even then, she may shrug & go, "Oh, my DD must be pick up in 4 hours and not 7? Uh, okay." And what may have been to you, may not even phase her.

Or, she will continue to leave her child over for 7 hours, because you'll take it.

When you talk to your friends, you will have to set the boundaries and just state, "Excuse me, I really need to speak to my friend about something in private." Then turn your friend away by the arm & walk away. You may even have to warn your friend as soon as you see her, so she can be forewarned that someone may butt in and you both will need to turn away.

As for this woman calling so much and all the invites, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being blunt and saying exactly what you told us, "I am dealing with health issues right now and my "job" and free time is taking care of my elderly parents and my family. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I just don't have the energy or time for anything else. Excuse me, I have to go." Then firmly say goodbye and hang up, even while she's in mid-sentence trying to counter you. Otherwise, you will know she will go on & on & on.

Good luck to you.

 

[Andy B]

There is a woman who is the Mom of one of my dd's new friends - they have known each other just this year in school - both are in 5th grade. The girl is a very sweet, quiet child who my dd adores and we have had her over our house 2x just this past week.

The problem I have with the Mom is that she butts right into everything. I pick dd up after school 2x a week and her dd is in the same after-school program my dd is in so I see her there. The first time I met her I was talking with another friend and this Mom came right over, introduced herself, and then just started talking...and talking...and talking.. My friend & I just sort of looked at her and made some comments to be polite. This Mom has her own business so several times that came up in the conversation.

This seems to be the issue that she Butts in, well some people are just like that, but I do not call that no personal boundries.

This past Saturday her dd came over our house for about 2 & 1/2 hours - had to leave as she had to go somewhere else. When she heard that my dd's bd was this week and she didn't want a party she said that dd could go over their house that day and she would have a cake and they could have a party there....huh???

She sounds as if she hears but not listens and so thought she could not have a party at home.

Monday the kids had off so she called and asked if her dd could come over our house again for a while. My dd was thrilled so I said ok. She was here for seven hours! The Mom went off to the movies with her Mom and did some shopping, etc. Now the day went fine, but really, seven hours??? (just before noon until 7 p.m.)

Why would you not agree a time first?

Today I saw her again up at the school. Since it was election day and our town votes at the school, I saw a lot of my friends and neighbors. Every.single.time. I was having a conversation with one of them she would just come right over, introduce herself and then become part of the conversation! Every singe time! I even ran into one of our elderly neighbors I hadn't seen in a while and she gave me a big hug - the Mom came over and asked - "Can I have a hug too?" and then hugged a stranger! Who does things like that?? Then started in with the woman about the health problems her FIL was having...huh??

OK the hug thing was odd but some people are very outgoing and tactile.

I am basically a private person and all this invasion of my personal space is driving me crazy! Our kids have a couple of the same classes so she has called and asked for help - and sometimes she has called several times a night. I really don't know how to respond to her. If my dd didn't like her dd it would be no problem, but this girl is one of her good friends now and I do like the girl - but not so much the Mom. It is not that she is a bad person, but she just doesn't seem to know where the line is and I don't know how to tell her. She just met me two weeks ago and already she wants us to go to lunch, go to the gym together, go walking together, etc. Uhhhhh....

She is someone who is very social, people are different.

She also goes off on many different tangents when she talks...she wants my dd to sleep over her house (ain't gonna happen), wants my dd to do sewing projects with her (dd has no interest), wants the girls to hang out ALL the time (my dd has other friends too) - and she even called me when she was out yesterday to remind me that the girls had a math test the next day and could I have them study for it? (My dd is in a different math class and had it on Friday)

I think she is allowed to talk about more than one subject.

How on earth do I deal with this woman and still have dd be friends with her dd?? I will see her again after school tomorrow but there is also another woman who I AM friends with who I see on Wednesdays and I would like to be able to talk with her without busy-body butting in!

I would appreciate any words of wisdom you may want to give!

Jill

Accept the invites you want and reject others and don't initiate contact.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Wow. She really does come on strong. As far as playdates, when her DD is over, you need to set an ending time. Let her know that the girl is to be picked up ( or you drop her off) at a certain time.

She sounds new to the neighborhood, with all that introducing herself to everyone. When she invites you places, you can refuse. As far as her budding in to everything, I have no advice. Some folks are just like that. Good luck!

 

[JESW]

Thanks for the replies again!

This year is middle school and we share a school system with another town so this is the first year the towns merge - so this is the first time we have met and my dd has met her dd.

I understand about people being friendly, but how many people walk up to two people obviously in the middle of a conversation, doesn't even say "excuse me" and just introduces herself to the other person and starts talking? I found it very strange that she did it every single time I was talking to someone. I do find that infringes on personal boundaries as she doesn't even know me but keeps following me around and invading my conversations.

I had no idea she would leave her dd with us for so long the other day. Before she had said her older dd had to go to the dentist and that is why she was dropping the younger one off. It wasn't until she was at my house when she told me her plans about the movies, etc. in a town about 45 minutes from here. I had met her once before and she left her dd with me for the day - I was just very surprised by that!

When she talks it is like watching a ping pong game as she goes from one thing to the next to the next to the next - like she is on some serious caffeine. Changing subjects in a conversation is very normal, but I have no idea what she will come up with next.

I will probably see her again this afternoon and I will just cool it and let her do the talking and not suggest or volunteer for anything. As I said, I do like her dd but I also want my dd to hang out with her other friends too.

Thanks for the help! I find it is always good to hear what others think and offer for suggestions.

Jill

 

[LuvOrlando]

Awww, I feel badly for you. I had this happen once when a friend was going through a rough time and was put on anti-depressants. WOW, it was like the medicine removed all her filters. I kept trying to get her to see a psychologist who would have seen the trouble but she stuck with her idiot GP who wasn't watching... ugggh it was terrible. She was on sleeping pills, and anti depressants and Xanax altogether, dumb doctor, what a mess he made. I remember feeling like this person was trying to assume my life, it was so weird but at least I had a previous history with her to compare it too.

All you can do is set up your own boundaries. Let her do her thing and so it's not such a stinging reflection on you introduce her as your daughter's new friend's Mom. Otherwise you will have people thinking she's your best friend in the world.

I hope you'll feel better about this all soon. It would be a shame to have your DD's friendship tarnished by her mother... poor kid, this must happen to her all the time.

 

[Tink888]

Oh, I feel your pain!!!! I have a friend like that. We met when our boys were in pre-school. I too am a relatively private person, we met through a mutual friend (she basically walked up and inserted herself into our conversation ) and she really threw me for a loop. Non-stop talker, needy, called ALL the time, an "if our kids are friends, we've gotta be friends too" kind of gal. She drove me nuts sometimes.

Anyway, the only advice I can offer is set your boundaries. If she wants to do something and you don't, just say no (or make-up an excuse). Caller ID is a beautiful thing, use it. It probably won't phase her in the least bit, she'll just move on and call or make plans with the next friend on her list.

Finally (and this will sound crazy), give her a chance. As thoroughly annoying as my friend could be at times, she also turned out to be one of the most genuinely sweet and caring people I've ever met. If I was sick, she'd be the first person to show up at my door with chicken soup or pick up a prescription for me. As time wore on, I learned to accept that she's just who she is and she learned to accept that after two calls in one day, I'm not going to pick up the phone anymore, she really did grow on me and has turned out to be a dear friend. She moved to another state a few years ago and our boys lost contact but her and I still keep in touch and believe it or not, I actually look forward to her visits when she comes back into town.

Good luck!!

 

[mjkacmom]

My best friend is HS was like that - well, at least when she got to college. Turns out she was bipolar, and with treatment and medication, she's fairly normal now - but certainly not 100%. It's sounds like she's missing a filter, and doesn't get social cues, and personal space. I'm very good friends with dd8's best friend's mom, but if they have homework issues, they just call each other. This woman sounds like she's desperate for a friend, probably because she turns others off, too.

 

[JESW]

Wednesday - I spoke with a Mom from the other Mom's town and she gave me the warning to distance myself as much from this woman as I possibly could as she is totally whacked. There have been a couple incidents with her where kids safety was at risk (bringing them places and then leaving them unattended while she went off and did something else...left them alone for hours...took kids for hours and the parents couldn't get in touch with her..etc.) so that clinches it for me. I just asked if she knew her and that is when she told me to be very, very careful. The other Mom is well-known in her town and now she is trying to latch on to those of us in the other town - those of us who don't know her.

Just great....

And I do think there are some serious mental health issues going on and not just the case of her being lonely and trying to make friends.

Jill

 

[sbell111]

You met another parent who is friendly and wants to talk to you. I can see why you are upset.

 

[SundaeAfternoon]

You met another parent who is friendly and wants to talk to you. I can see why you are upset.

Did you even read the thread?

 

[SundaeAfternoon]

Wednesday - I spoke with a Mom from the other Mom's town and she gave me the warning to distance myself as much from this woman as I possibly could as she is totally whacked. There have been a couple incidents with her where kids safety was at risk (bringing them places and then leaving them unattended while she went off and did something else...left them alone for hours...took kids for hours and the parents couldn't get in touch with her..etc.) so that clinches it for me. I just asked if she knew her and that is when she told me to be very, very careful. The other Mom is well-known in her town and now she is trying to latch on to those of us in the other town - those of us who don't know her.

Just great....

And I do think there are some serious mental health issues going on and not just the case of her being lonely and trying to make friends.

Jill

Yikes! She sounds like a person I'd be staying far away from. My advice is to back away slowly. I feel for you. I seem to attract those kinds of people as well. I've been told I'm too nice and people like to take advantage of it. It's sad when people operate like that. Anyway...good luck dealing with this woman. Keep us posted!

 

[sbell111]

Did you even read the thread?

Yes, but honestly there's a bit of it that I don't believe.