How do you break up with a friend?

[Deparfea]

I'm hoping someone else has been in this situation, and can offer me some advice.

I've known this friend for about 25yrs. We went to high school together, but we didn't really associate with one another at that time. We coincidentally ended up at the same college and became quite close. We remained close for about 10yrs and were there while we each got married, had children, etc.. We now live in the same city, but increasingly I've noticed how much I don't want to talk to her anymore. Our group of friends from college really don't have anything to do with her anymore. It's easier for them, since they don't live in the same city.

She has really changed and has developed some strange interests that I simply can't relate to at all. Her world revolves around her family only and she really has no other friends, outside work or hobbies, etc.. We really have nothing in common anymore and I find her difficult to handle. I was hoping that we would just gradually drift apart, and no real "break up" would be required.

However, she is persisting, and has already expressed hurt feelings over my not calling her. I don't want to hurt her, but I have to admit not wanting her to be a part of my life anymore. Any suggestions or advice?? Thanks so much.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I would continue as you are doing. The relationship will eventually die down and settle. I wouldn't break her heart because there might come a day when you 2 might be able to reconnect or where she might get together with the rest of your group and then you'll be the only one who feels awkward. I have a friend who had a falling out with someone in her group and now she's being left out of get togethers, it would have been better if feathers were never ruffled.

 

[Robinrs]

I would continue as you are doing. The relationship will eventually die down and settle. I wouldn't break her heart because there might come a day when you 2 might be able to reconnect or where she might get together with the rest of your group and then you'll be the only one who feels awkward. I have a friend who had a falling out with someone in her group and now she's being left out of get togethers, it would have been better if feathers were never ruffled.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It would be great if it could just kind of fall away!

However, when I read the word 'persisting' that kind of gets me.
So, it depends on just how persistent she can be.

I would hang tough, but if she starts getting pushy and demanding/whiny and crossing lines, then you might be forced to up the ante....

 

[WDSearcher]

I'm a big one for being frank and not stringing her along. "Just letting it die" doesn't get you where you want to be. That could take years.

Pick a form of communication you're most comfortable with -- in person, letter, e-mail, whatever -- and just explain, short and sweet, that your interests have changed and that you really don't think you guys are a "right fit" any more. Wish her well and thank her for her past friendship. And then just stop -- no more phone calls, e-mails, etc. It will be hard for you and hard for her, but it's really the fairest way to all concerned.

There is no way to do this without hurting her. You want to not hurt her so that you don't have to feel guilty. But there's also no way to do this without you feeling uncomfortable and/or guilty. So the best thing to do is just suck it up and realize that it will be just a little bit ugly and then move on.

Good luck!

 

[Deparfea]

Thanks everyone! It helps hearing about your experiences and getting your advice.

I was just on the phone with this friend for the first time in a few months. It was a rough conversation because she sort of backed me into a corner asking why I haven't called, etc.. I tried to talk my way out of it, but maybe that was the wrong thing to do. She wouldn't let me hang up until we had put a date on the calendar for getting together. I could have been abrupt, but I just don't want to hurt her.

I really thought that letting it die off would work. I've been on the receiving end of that before. I had a friend since childhood, who just didn't call/email me anymore. I got the message, and just let it go. I was a bit hurt/sad over it, but I figure that it would seem desperate if I pursued it and would make this friend uncomfortable. I realize that friendships come and go, and I'm fortunate to have wonderful friends. Why can't this friend I'm talking about right now feel the same way???

 

[shortbun]

I guess you'll just have to suck it up. But, devils advocate is my specialty, you don't want to be her friend anymore because her life centers around her family??? Be careful how brutal your 'break up' is. Someday, you might need her. My oldest friend and I drift from close to distant but we both know that in an emergency-we are there 100% for each other. Tell her you're sorry the friendship seems to be waning but it might get stronger once your families are raised and you both have lots of free time. Don't burn that bridge. I don't really understand why it is wrong to put a friendship on a back burner for a while due to lack of time or interest. People change. You haven't seen this woman for several months-I don't think she's taking up too much of your time. Your initial post made it seem like she was depending on you for all her social time-once in a few months is easy,no?

 

[WDSearcher]

Thanks everyone! It helps hearing about your experiences and getting your advice.

I was just on the phone with this friend for the first time in a few months. It was a rough conversation because she sort of backed me into a corner asking why I haven't called, etc.. I tried to talk my way out of it, but maybe that was the wrong thing to do. She wouldn't let me hang up until we had put a date on the calendar for getting together. I could have been abrupt, but I just don't want to hurt her.

I really thought that letting it die off would work. I've been on the receiving end of that before. I had a friend since childhood, who just didn't call/email me anymore. I got the message, and just let it go. I was a bit hurt/sad over it, but I figure that it would seem desperate if I pursued it and would make this friend uncomfortable. I realize that friendships come and go, and I'm fortunate to have wonderful friends. Why can't this friend I'm talking about right now feel the same way???

Because you're different people.

You need to call her back and cancel the date you guys just put on the calendar. Tell her that you're sorry, but the reason you haven't been in touch is that you just don't think you guys are close any more. You don't want to string her along in a false friendship and so you need to cancel. You have the perfect opportunity to end this now, before you either make it worse by keeping the future engagement or end up stringing her along for several more months.

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

I completely disagree with the break-up approach. I think it is fine to tell her you and she are too busy with family to see a lot of each other but to tell someone "I don't want to be your friend anymore" is mean and overly harsh.

My best friend from high school and I have completely different interests and our lives have taken different paths. We never see each other and hardly ever talk. But I still care about her and would be there for her if she needed me.

 

[MIGrandma]

.

 

[ckay87]

I guess you'll just have to suck it up. But, devils advocate is my specialty, you don't want to be her friend anymore because her life centers around her family??? Be careful how brutal your 'break up' is. Someday, you might need her. My oldest friend and I drift from close to distant but we both know that in an emergency-we are there 100% for each other. Tell her you're sorry the friendship seems to be waning but it might get stronger once your families are raised and you both have lots of free time. Don't burn that bridge. I don't really understand why it is wrong to put a friendship on a back burner for a while due to lack of time or interest. People change. You haven't seen this woman for several months-I don't think she's taking up too much of your time. Your initial post made it seem like she was depending on you for all her social time-once in a few months is easy,no?

I agree with this. Do you so strongly dislike her that you can't have a quick conversation over lunch every few months? Heck, I could do that with anybody short of my very worst enemies (which are zero, however ) That just strikes me as kind of odd. I have tons of friends who I can take "in small doses" but they all have a place in my life. Perhaps we have history, perhaps I find them somehow amusing. Perhaps I just like to get out and do something now and then.

But go ahead and keep making it a hassle to get together. She'll give up. I know people who do that and I personally have no tolerance for it. She is way more persistent than I'd ever be.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Do you so strongly dislike her that you can't have a quick conversation over lunch every few months?

That's why it matters how 'persistent' this woman is.
soon it becomes every other week or so....
You don't want to be in the position of always having to go thru the charade, making excuses, etc... Why spend time and energy to 'fake' a once-every-few-months relationship....

OP, since you have described how you hadn't spoken for quite a while, but she persisted in setting a date. I agree that you have tried to let things drift apart, but now this is the chance to really begin to cut the cord. While I would hate to actually be rude..... it sounds like this is a chance to make your excuses, break these plans, and begin to let her know that, for you, things are so different now, etc....

She will undoubtedly have a reaction to this, possibly get upset, ask for 'answers', etc...
I was in a situation like that once, and really, the only reaction for when another person might be upset like that is to just say two words... "I'm sorry"
Seriously, just repeat those words and leave it at that....
If you let the conversations go on, and try to provide answers, etc... it will get worse and you will find yourself talking your way into a big hole.

 

[Northstar]

You mention that she has "strange interests" and is totally wrapped up in her family. Is this what makes you uncomfortable.. do you feel like she's trying to pull you into some weird cult thing?

If you are uncomfortable with her because you feel she is not being a true friend who wants to spend time with you because she likes you, then cut it off. Be honest and say that you do not want to hear about her new interests and do not feel that you can remain friends.

On the other hand, if she's just boring and has nothing to talk about other than her family/weird new interests, don't cut her off. Just let it drift, see her occasionally when she goes to the trouble to seek you out, and try hard to find something interesting to talk about.

You may be her lifeline... her one connection to the world outside her weird claustrophobic family/new interest. Seeking you out is her statement that she isn't only interested in her family and new interest, she is still interested in your world.

Someday, as other people have said, this is a friendship that might have potential to be close again. I wouldn't burn any bridges unless I felt that her expressions of friendship were not sincere.

 

[Deparfea]

I agree with this. Do you so strongly dislike her that you can't have a quick conversation over lunch every few months? Heck, I could do that with anybody short of my very worst enemies (which are zero, however ) That just strikes me as kind of odd. I have tons of friends who I can take "in small doses" but they all have a place in my life. Perhaps we have history, perhaps I find them somehow amusing. Perhaps I just like to get out and do something now and then.

But go ahead and keep making it a hassle to get together. She'll give up. I know people who do that and I personally have no tolerance for it. She is way more persistent than I'd ever be.

Oops, sorry! I didn't explain this right. This friend has consistently phoned regularly these last few years, and months in partiuclar. It's just in these last few months that I didn't return her call (until yesterday out of guilt). She was not home, so she just returned my call today. She still wants monthly dinners together. I reduced it to only 2 times so far this year and she is very upset by it, as she explained today. If it were just once or twice a year, I could go with that. However, she wants it to remain the way it used to be, which I just can't bring myself to do anymore.

I literally feel sick at the thought of hurting her, but at the same time, I am so frustrated with her, that I have to face the fact that I don't want to spend so much time with her. I'm feeling so sad about it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You may be her lifeline... her one connection to the world outside her weird claustrophobic family/new interest....

Yes, this really struck me as well.
It sounds like this woman is wrapped up in a claustrophopic situation, and could very well be looking at you as the one friend/lifeline.

However, that is putting a HUGE responsibility on somebody's shoulders. And one that I think it is obvious that the OP is not ready and cheerfully willing to take on.

While I know that it is important for friends to be-there for each other, it really isn't right for somebody to make another person responsible for their happiness (being their lifeline).

There is a difference in looking for a lifeline, to perhaps move forward... and looking for another person to be responsible for your happiness, to enable you to maintain your current situation. I think that the latter is the case 90% of the time.

When one's life is so restricted, then it is a very one-sided 'friendship'.
There can be no reciprocity when one person is limiting their interests and involvement.

 

[Magpie]

Oops, sorry! I didn't explain this right. This friend has consistently phoned regularly these last few years, and months in partiuclar. It's just in these last few months that I didn't return her call (until yesterday out of guilt). She was not home, so she just returned my call today. She still wants monthly dinners together. I reduced it to only 2 times so far this year and she is very upset by it, as she explained today. If it were just once or twice a year, I could go with that. However, she wants it to remain the way it used to be, which I just can't bring myself to do anymore.

I literally feel sick at the thought of hurting her, but at the same time, I am so frustrated with her, that I have to face the fact that I don't want to spend so much time with her. I'm feeling so sad about it.

How "regular" is "phoning regularly"? Once a month? Once a day?

You said she wants dinner once a month, and it sounds like you consider dinner twice a year to be two times too many.

Feel free not to answer - but what exactly is it about her that bugs you so much? What makes an occasional dinner with her such an ordeal? What are her "strange interests"?

Inquiring minds want to know!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I literally feel sick at the thought of hurting her, but at the same time, I am so frustrated with her, that I have to face the fact that I don't want to spend so much time with her. I'm feeling so sad about it.

I am SO sorry!!!!

But, I think you do know what you have to do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, inquiring minds want to know!

But, really, she does not have to be a member of a 'Manson' cult in order to justify ending the 'friendship'.

OP, a person's feelings are always valid.
And, I trust that if you feel this strongly, that you have your reasons.

 

[Deparfea]

I hesitate to get into details for fear of this friend reading this post. She doesn't know my username, but I still worry about it. Sorry to be so general, but she is into a lot of past life/alternative stuff and pushes these beliefs on others. It's all-consuming for her and is, aside from her family, the only thing she talks about. I don't mean to suggest that she is wrong for having these beliefs, I just happen to not believe them myself. I resent it being pushed on me despite my telling her that it's not for me so it's frustrating talking about little else.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Most people understand being busy, incredibly busy. You do for others and then there comes a time you are just tired and don't want to go out. Aren't you busy too? Put it back on her that you are upset that she doesn't understand that.

It's no fun being chastised and cajoled for and into something. Don't you have enough going on? I'd just tell her you actually felt good to go out the times you did! And if that isn't enough, you don't know what to tell her. Cause that's all you have. I guess what I'm trying to say is you don't necessarily have to make it about her.

But then if you are going out and about (where she sees you), that might be another story. You might have to have the dreaded conversation. Really though, you have told her you aren't interested in the things you describe and she has persisted. It's been a one-sided friendship anyway. You aren't getting anything out of it. You're just doing time. I'd want out too!