How do we discuss Hospice Care with my mother

[helenk]

As I posted earlier my mother has advanced stage lung cancer. She went for a second opinion this week and this doctor agrees with the initial doctor that she is just too weak for chemo, she weighs about 95 pounds and generally has a hard time walking to the bathroom and back without a walker. Sometimes she can not walk at all and spends most of the day sleeping.
Any way he feels that she will not live until the end of the year. We have called the Visiting Nursing Assoc here and they have been very kind and understanding. The doctor feels that she qualifies for hospice but wants us to discuss with my mother before we starting getting everything in place. This makes sense because it would be strange to just start having all these people in her house without discussing the issue.
I am the oldest so I said I would talk with her tonight, she knows of course that she is dying, but how do I even start this conversation???

 

[Mackey Mouse]

First.. hugs and prayers for you that you choose the right words for her and for you..

I wish I could find those magic words to make this easier on you, and I am assuming you have already talked to her as it is already tonight. I think I would say something like we want to make sure we give you the best care we possibly can and the doctor has recommended that we get in touch with hospice to make sure you do get that care....We love you and we want you to have no pain.... I am getting upset writing this as it makes you face your own issues.. You say she knows that she is dying so I would leave it at that and let her tell you what she wants...

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your Mom... Please know we are here for you.

 

[helenk]

I wanted to talk to her last night but she was too "out of it", Hopefully, she will be more alert today and we can talk to her. I've thought about it and I guess the best thing to do is to let her know that this will give us more support as well as help for her. It just breaks my heart to see her decline the way she has.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

HUgs Helen.. I hear ya... take care of yourself and take care of her..

 

[safetymom]

I don't know if at this first talk I would get into details but mention that you are trying to help her out. Explain that hospice will give her better care.

Just mention how much you love her and want to help her.

I will keep you all in my prayers.

 

[helenk]

I was able to bring it up on Sunday as my mother got very weak, I told her that we were worried about her and were going to call Hospice so that she could get the help she needed and we could get some help as well. She agreed, and told me not to get upset. I tried not to cry in front of her but of course I just broke down, she just patted my hand and told me everything will be okay.
We were actually able to get someone out yesterday afternoon and they got all the information to get her case started. They called the doctor and got medication prescribed for pain and for when she starts to get aggitated. She does not need them yet, but this way everything is in place for when she will.
We feel better knowing that we have come to gripes with what we have to do and face the fact that nothing can be done except to make her comfortable, and hopefully her time with us will be less stressful for her.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

God Bless her.. I have you and your family and most especially your Mom in my prayers... I am so glad that she helped you through it..........you have to love Moms they are always worrying about their children even when they are the ones who need to be worried about..

Hugs!!!

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

helenk, you'll be in my thoughts. I can't imagine the feelings you are dealing with (my own mom died suddenly so there was no long decline), but I know it has to be just horrible for you.

I'm glad your mom has a family who loves her, and a daughter who cares enough to make sure she is well cared for. Hang in there.

 

[NHAnn]

helen, I'm sorry for your pain and sorrow...and hoping for your mom to have peace and freedom from pain. I am keeping yor family in my thoughts and prayers.

I know everyone's relationships and circumstances are different, but lately I am just overwhelmed and teary at the mother/daughter relationships ,and the painfulness when your mother is ill/dying.

 

[annrae]

Hi Helen: This is so difficult! I think you will find that you will actually get strength from your Mom in so many ways to get through these days. My Dad had 24 hour care at home for 8 months and my Mom was in a Nursing Home for 7 years so I understand how your heart feels. Broken. I bit my tongue so many times to keep from crying with both my Mom and Dad but my Dad always said how lucky he was to have had two daughters (he was an avid sportsman so no doubt he would have enjoyed a son to fish and hunt with) but he always made us feel so special. I found that I grieved more when my parents were alive and hurting than I did when they were taken from me.

Ann, I hear you when you speak of the teary mother/daughter relationship. It is so hard to let go and it seems we almost go full circle as when I visited my mother the last time, I needed to feed her as she could not feed herself but she could recite every President of the US in correct order and she was a Canadian and has always lived in Canada!! Somehow, we get the strength to face each day and know that each day is a special gift. It was wonderful that your parents had a 60th Anniversary.

My thought and prayers are with all of you who feel "blue" tonight. Barbara

 

[Teacher03]

My prayers are with you...my mom passed away almost 6 months ago from cancer and her hospice nurse was an angel. She made it possible for my mom to stay home and she came whenever we called. We had never dealt with hospice before, and didn't know what to expect, but they actually sent several nurses out to first meet with my mom and my dad, and then decided who would work best with the both of them. I think you will find you made the right decision. God bless you.