How Do U Tell A Friend

[livie1205]

u dont want to babysit her newborn?One of my best friends just had a baby and she has to go back to work in 3 weeks and they want me to provide daycare...now I love babies, I have 3 kids including a 2 yr old dd and I am a stay at home mom but I am very busy with the kids, running arends drs apts...ect...the biggest thing is I really dont like watching other peoples small children...I am always afraid they will get sick,hurt or heaven forbid SIDS and being in my care i couldnt handle that...the other big issue is the money,they only want to pay me 250.00 a month, and babies are alot of work (have had three) lol what should I tell her? She CAN afford to pay more for child care if she needed to she just does not want to.I dont want to hurt her feelings...but she is one of those friends that does not every help you out, I asked her to babysit my 2 boys one time so dh and I could go to a movie and she said yes and just never showed up...we just waited and waited...

 

[livndisney]

I would tell her ASAP! Finding quality care for a child is time consuming. I would just explain like you did here. You do a lot of errands and taking a newborn is not something you are comfortable with.

 

[Alex&Evan'sMom]

You poor thing! What a bad spot to be put in. I have had a similar situation happen to me. I think you should(very nicely) tell her that you have your hands full with your own children and can't devote the time that a newborn needs. And maybe you could refer her to a trustworthy daycare elsewhere if you know of one. You should not feel bad about dedicating your time and energy on your own children. It's not a cakewalk taking care of three children. I only have two and sometimes I wonder how I'll make it through the day!

 

[livie1205]

thats the thing,we never made plans for me to babysit....when she first got pregnant she wanted to buy a house near me and we joked that it would be easy for me to babysit...i dont mind babysitting sometimes but not everday.

 

[problemchild718]

I agree, tell her ASAP. I would also tell her that you just can't commit to caring for a newborn with the crazy schedule you have with your own. Maybe offer to help her out once in a while. Is she thinking shes going to pay $250 a mo for Mon-Fri all day child care? My youngest has been out of daycare for 4 years and at that time I paid $30.00 a day for child care! I thought that was a good price at the time.

 

[livie1205]

i dont want to make it all about the money but mon-fri 7 am to 6 pm for 250.00 a month? i do not know how much daycare is because i have stayed home with mine but i know i cant afford to put a 2 yr old in full daycare and 2 boys in aftercare...

 

[Aliceacc]

Call her today and let her know for sure that you can't do it. If you have the time and the inclination, give her some starting places-- look up Tutor Time and some other childcare places.

My county (Nassau County NY) has a free childcare referral service. You tell them what you're looking for (home based, large facility, location...) and they'll give you a list of licensed providers.

I can see how she would want you to sit for the kids; with 3 of your own she figures you're supermom, and she KNOWS she can trust you. But that doesn't give her the right to assume that you would drop everything and add a 4th child to your day.

When my son was in daycare in 1999, it cost $1000 per child per month. (That's why I quit teaching for 6 years after #2 came along.) She's expecting not only quality service, but at bargain basement prices. She's clearly unreasonable.

But call her today. If she's been assuming since she first got pregnant (wrongfullly so, but still...) that she has it covered, she's going to have to scramble. Give her the chance to make some alternate arrangements. And know that she'll probably be angry. Unreasonable people frequently are angry when others don't drop everything to serve them.

edited to add: This has been bothering me all afternoon, and I apologize if I sound critical. How could you let this go on this long? I certainly understand that you don't want to sit (especially at those prices!!) but we're talking at least 6 months that you've known she expected you to sit. Why didn't you tell her a while ago?
Now she really IS in a tough spot. (Of her own making, certainly, but something that could have been avoided.)

Again, I certainly don't mean to criticize. I'm pretty good at postponing unpleasant tasks myself. But if she really is assuming that you're going to sit for her, she's in real trouble.

 

[Rylee]

You need to tell her right away. Finding reliable daycare, especially for an infant, takes time... first she needs to find places with openings and then interview them.

Call her, today, and tell her... "I've given this a lot of thought, and I won't be able to watch the baby because ________." Give her a very solid, but true, reason why you don't feel you can watch the baby.

Be firm, and be prepare for her to be insistent... anyone that would expect you to provide daycare for an infant for $62.50 a week, isn't likely to give up easily.

 

[MSSANDRA]

You have to tell her and tell her today!! i agree that finding day care is tough and she needs that time. Be VERY clear on how and when you can help out. her back up care needs might be when her child is sick and if she is in day care that might mean a lot, Plus her bringing a sick child into your home with your kids. 250/week is completly off the wall. Many places for an infant in high quality day care you would pay that a week. I did some home care when DS was little and I charged 100/week and that has been over 10 years ago!!

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

$250 a month? I pay more than that a week! Definately tell her soon. I would also (gently) mention that you never really promised her that you would be watching her child.

 

[Suzanna1973]

I own an inhome daycare. I have given my name and number to our local school. We have gotten most of our kids that way. Have your friend contact your local school or maybe you could even do it for her and have a list of names ready!!!

Good Luck!

 

[HopperFan]

Do not hesitate a minute. I would tell her that you are not prepared emotionally nor physically to take care of another child, let alone a baby. If she replies she thought it was a plan, tell her she misunderstood, that you are only prepared to sit every few months or so, so that she and DH can have an evening alone. That you could never take on that much responsibility along with your own children.....and she should have been looking at a professional service as they are better equipped.

I did keep a relatives child for 2 years and then 3 of them PT for a year. It is alot of work, totally changes your interaction with your own children, changes your schedule - and that is even when the pay is good. What she is offering you, for those hours, is insulting and unacceptable even if you wanted to do it. She should be offering you that per week for an infant plus providing you a car seat, pack n play, food, diapers etc.

Don't do it, not even to help out a few weeks while she looks for daycare.....it sounds like she will never be able to find just the right one and you will be stuck. As others suggested, give her a list of resources to help in her search so she knows you are seriously telling her you can not do it.

Good Luck !

 

[noahdove]

I do child care in my home, and I would never think to assume that someone would babysit for me, IF I hadn't discussed it thoroughly soon after delivery of the baby. She may be in a pinch now and try to blame you, so any resourses you can give her would be of benefit. There must be churches around that have daycare..I think she will have a rude awaking at paying $250 a month...what does she do for a job? I may be of help is she were to stay at home at that rate...good luck and I will offer up a prayer for you for the right words and that your friendship won't be harmed.

 

[Nanu57v]

I just did this. I recently quit my job to stay home, and a friend who had her kid at the daycare I worked called me up and asked me to watch her son. At first I wanted to, but then I realized I'd be giving up a lot of "freedom." Like just deciding on a whim to go to the park, or not. Or going to the store, or doing story time. And that's eventually what it was about. I told her:

"Dh and I talked about watching "nathan" but we decided it was best for me to focus on DD right now.(or you could say, my 3 kids consume all my time and I worry I wouldn't be able to devote enough time to a baby). I realize that babysitting a child is a long term commitment and I worry that I would feel to overwhelmed, so I can't commit to watching "nathan" right now. Please keep me in mind if you are in a bind and need me to watch him when you have a doctor's appointment or something. Also, I found the number for your local CCIS office (or whatever the referral agency is where you live) that should be able to help you find something else."

Don't make it about the money, but $250 a month is ridiculous.

 

[livie1205]

thanks guys..i was feeling a little selfish for not wanting to do it but i love having all the spare time with my dd2 she is only small for a short time and she is my last....plus the amount she wanted to pay was not really worth my time...she is commimg by weds and we are going to talk about it, i will tell her it is just in case she needs someone ever once in a while.

 

[two-foxes]

We were sort of in your friends position when we were deciding on daycare for DS. Big difference though...our friends offered to do daycare for us. However, as my maternity leave was nearing an end and we had discussed our schedule and payment, they decided to opt out of doing care. It was not financially feasable for them as we were offering $40 a day (works out to just over $3 an hour w/ my 10 hour workdays.) However, that was more than $5 day than the going rate of in home daycare in our area. So, although they gave me about 3 weeks notice to find a new caregiver, I appreciated them being honest about their inability to do our care for us. Like everyone else said, you need to tell your friend YESTERDAY about your feelings about caring for their infant.

FYI, your friend is ripping you off if she only plans a paying you $250 a month. For three days of care a week, we were going to pay our friends $480a month. We now pay $808 a month for care for three days at our local KinderCare. (Although expensive, we do love them!)

 

[Mouse House Mama]

$250 a month? Come on! You can deliver newspapers and make more money than that and not have to be responsible for a human. I agree with you in that I want to spend my time with my kids doing what we like and not having to worry about anyone else.

 

[2 lil' ladybugs]

What a tough spot to be in. Let us know how it turns out. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Tell her ASAP, and be kind but FIRM. This happened to a neighbor of ours, and she had a terrible time.

We asked DH cousin to watch our then 9-week old ds, BUT it was for TWO WEEKS only while I worked out my notice and we paid her very well. She actually said she'd do it for free (it was winter and she was already home with her 5-mo old dd, wouldn't be going anywhere during the day because her DH took their car to work), but that wouldn't have been fair.

 

[brymolmom]

I agree with all - tell her NOW. You shouldn't need to explain anything except that you are a SAHM for a reason - you and your family have decided it is best for you not to have any other job - and watching another's child full time is DEFINITELY another job. That amount of $ that they want to pay is ridiculous and all I can think of is that they haven't researched day care costs and have no idea how insulting that amount is.

One thing to mention to try to ease the 'bad news' a bit (IF you decide you'd be willing to do this) - would be to offer to be a 'backup' babysitter here and there (you should specifcy about how often you'd be willing - like 'once a month or here and there'). Those of us with children in daycare - especially at home daycares know the importance of backups....if your babysitter's own child is sick at home - you might not want your baby going there - and any other number of things that come up from time to time (babysitter takes a vacation, etc) - it is a HUGE relief when you have a backup that you can call to handle this type of thing. Anyway- if you would be willing to do this type of backup - you can always offer that instead.