How do I make him understand?

[tiggerlover]

DS (6) has been having a rough time of it lately and I think his problem is two fold. First off, 5 months ago we moved to Italy, this has been a big adjustment for him, even though he was born here and lived here until he was 2-1/2 (he just doesn't remember much). Anyway, we moved to a very small american community and he is in a very small school and there are no little boys his age, most all of the children his age are girls. The boys are either younger by two years or older by 2 or 3 years and it is hard for him to play with the Italian children in our neighborhood because of the language barrier (he does try, but sometimes it gets difficult for him). All of my friends have girls that are either his age or one or two years older, but we have found that the girls only want him to play or hang out for so long and he gets frustrated that they don't want to play "boy" things. It has been a long summer and I have tried to keep him active, but at times it has been difficult and he has been very bored. He also can't understand why the girls all have sleepovers at their houses and he can't go. He has begun saying he doesn't like it here, that he has no "real" friends and he has also started acting up a bit, which is out of character for him. The second part of all this is he always wants to win or if there is something he thinks he can't do, he isn't even willing to try, he just breaks down in tears. He is a perfectionist and hates it when he can't do something. We try to teach him winning isn't everything and that you lose more often in life than you win, but we aren't getting through to him. He has been in tears more times this week than I can count and DH and I are so frustrated with his acting up we just don't know what to do.

 

[Pam]

Oh, I'm so sorry for all of you. When our children hurt, we hurt even more. My friend says that when her DD gets cut, she [the Mom]feels like she is the one bleeding!

Can he try playing with the younger or older boys? We waited an extra year to send our kids to school, DS just turned 14 the end of April and is going into 8th grade. A lot of his friends are actually 1 year younger than him.

Also - does your military base has a Cub Scout troop? I've read in the BSA books that there are Direct Service troops for Cub and Boy Scouts. That would be a good way for him to interact with some boys his age. Scouting is good in the respect that the Cub Scout motto is "Do Your Best" - not be #1.

Can you post a message at the PX or somewhere that your son is looking for a playmate?
Pam

 

[Planogirl]

Are there clubs or sports activities he could join in on? And could he maybe take some kind of supplemental class to help him learn the language?

When I was very young, my family moved to a foreign country where I didn't know the language. I felt very left out at first but when I started learning the local language, the other kids started warming up to me. I had plenty of friends (finally) by the time we unfortunately moved back to the US. ( I only say unfortunately because this was such a happy time for our family.)

As for the perfectionist side of him, he may just have to struggle through that. I'm also a perfectionist and I STILL have trouble dealing with perceived failures.

Good luck with your situation.

 

[tiggerlover]

Pam, he has played with the older boys, but I have found the more he played with him the worse his behavior would be and sometime since he is sensitive, the older boys would pick on him which make things worse. As for the younger boys, I guess we will see when he starts school, there will be two kindergarteners in his k/1 combined class. We do have a scouting program, but it was not meeting through the summer and he just turned 6 the end of June (that is the age he can join), so we are thinking about it for this upcoming school year. But the problem still remains the same, his school (k-8) there are only 63 students and the scouts also combine ages, so he would be in the same boat, but I am hoping with the scouting creed of ethics it might be okay. We don't have a PX, we are in a remote site, the closest PX is an hour away at the larger military installation, so as you can see or choices are so limited here.

Planogirl, DS was in t-ball this past spring which he liked and we have signed him up for soccer, which he is looking forward to. As for school clubs, they haven't been posted for this term yet, so I am not sure if they will be offered. They do offer Italian classes to the kids which is helpful, unfortuneately DS only had 2-1/2 months of school before it let out for summer. DH and I have a partial grasp of the language and we help him as much as possible, but it will be nice when school resumes. I am glad to hear that you had such a positive overseas experience, that is encouraging.

 

[Planogirl]

It was a very positive experience for me but it did take a while to get to that point. I was also a rather quiet child which I think helped me. If your son is an outgoing kid like mine , I can see that it would be more difficult. Getting past that language barrier may make all the difference in the world but Italian does seem awfully hard.

Again, good luck. Here's hoping that the onset of school plus soccer and anything else your son might get involved in helps him get through this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As the mom of an 11 & 5 (6 next month) dds I will tell you that if you can find at least one friend that he can buddy with things will improve.
When we moved only 1 mile away into a new school district my oldest then 9 at the time was determined to HATE everything. Well with an attitude like that not many people want to play with you, teachers aren't too fond of your kid, etc..
5 months is too short of a time frame for a child esp. with language barriers to become adjusted. It took my dd a YEAR and we only moved a mile.

The best solutions I used were to invite friends over, alot. Try to find one kid that he can relate to. They are big on "best friends" at this age. It sounds like you are on the right track by signing up for things. If you can find something he is really good at and loves he can find a buddy he has something in common with. It will happen it just takes some time.
{{{HUGS}}}

 

[tiggerlover]

Jeannine, perhaps that is the route I should go. Maybe I can set up a play date for today and tomorrow.

 

[shortbun]

Long post warning!
Reading your post-a couple of things struck me.
The competitive nature of your son is obviously
instinctive. My ds-just 7 in July is a competitive
animal! I spent the first 5 years of his life saying,
" it's just for fun", "the most important thing is
having fun and making friends" "make sure you do
your best" "winning is not the most important thing".
Ds can recite all those things to me now but clearly-
winning IS important to him and I've been working
on helping him deal with dissapointment instead.

2. I personally don't believe in asking young boys to
put away their emotions. Rather, I've asked my
ds to work on ways to rechannel those emotions-
using words and finding outlets that are more
acceptable to outsiders for when he's not at
home and allowing emotional outbursts when he
is in the safety of home. Young boys, IMHO, should
be allowed to emote in any way that does not
endanger themselves,someone else or property.
If yelling or jumping disturbs you-have him do it
in his own room. I've created a safe environment
for Ds. Allowing acting out when it's a result of
frustration is important-kids need direction on how
to relieve their negative energies. Read "Real boys"
and "Raising Cain" and get the "Real Boys" workbook
for some help.

3. At age 6- I personally don't see why "sleep overs"
are off limits for your DS. What kind of message are
we sending to our sons at this innocent age when
we tell them they can't play with girls in this way?
It perpetuates the myth that boys are predators
and makes young men feel bad about being boys.
This is a lot of pressure young men don't need!
My ds has two female friends with whom he has
sleepovers. These girls get invited to all his activities,
parties and play on sports teams with him. I grew up
with lots of male friends and I really don't get this one.

The language learning will come but I'd be working hard
with ds on that one if we were in Italy. 6 yo's act out
when they are frustrated-it's natural. I've noticed a big
change in Ds since last year-he's dealing with things better
and working on it. We discuss his successes. We put
together some signals ds could give me or dh when he
was feeling especially emotional so we could remove him
or help him facilitiate a change in his environment if possible.
The best one is that he points his finger at one of us as if
to say-"the ball's in your court Mom". Sometimes, just a
little shoulder rub or even an encouraging wink from dad
does the trick. This way he can say- "I HATE THIS!" and we
can say "I LOVE YOU" without another soul knowing what
kind of communication we are sharing. These secret signals
have gotten him through some rough times and make him
feel special.
OK-I'm done. Good luck. Nothing helps like love.
mimi

 

[tiggerlover]

Mimi, thank you so much for putting so much time into answering my post. Everything you said in your first paragraph sounds like us to a tee. DS could probably repeat all of those statements as well. I would love to hear how you work with your son in accepting disappointment, I haven't thought about that route before, we have been so focused on him accepting that he can't always win, it never crossed our minds.

The issue about sleepovers come from the girls and our their families, they don't feel it is right to mix boys with girls for sleepovers, so I have to respect that.

We are trying to work on the emotional outbursts, but we are having a hard time with him controlling them. We have given him suggestions on managing his outbursts, but have been unsuccessful so far with him actually following through.

We are working on the language barrier, slowly. Another issue which I failed to mention before is the Italian lifestyle is different than ours. The children stay up until 11:00-12:00 midnight and often times are sleeping (I assume) during the day, because the children are never outside playing during the day. They usually come out around 4:00 p.m. Italians eat lunch between 1:00-2:00 p.m. and then have riposo, which is like a siesta, from after lunch until 3:30-4:00 p.m. (Their schools even close for three hours during the afternoon and then the kids return after riposo to finish school). And since the kids are coming out later, DS only has a short time to play before it is our supper time. I feel so bad for him, I just wish it wasn't so difficult.

 

[Lars624]

I am really sorry to hear about the trouble you DS is having, and I know how hard it must be for you to watch him having such difficulties. Hopefully things will get better once school starts and he meets some other kids at school. Boys who are 1 or 2 years either way in age may be alright for him. My DS6 has a family w/ 3 sons that live across the street they are 10, 9 & 6 and he plays equally well with all of them. As far as the emotional outbursts go my DS is learning to handle his emotions too & it's a process. He seems to be making progress though. Good Luck!

 

[Claudia1]

I can't speak to the friendship difficulties (so sorry to hear of it!) but we also have a very competitive son. We have tried to get him to substitute a verbal response that might diffuse the tension. It has had some positive results; not perfection, though.

When he is instantly upset about something, he loses, misses a shot, drops the ball, etc.... I have tried to train him to say, "Oh, bother" in the manner that Eeyore says it with the vocal inflection dropping on "bother". Most usual outbursts end with a rising vocal inflection, which seems to fuel the fire. On the occasions that he has remembered and done this, he doesn't seem to flare up as much. I have also talked repeatedly to him that "Oh, bother" simply means "Aw shucks, I'd better try again". I didn't want him to have Eeyore's depressing attitude, just his vocal inflection! I also suggest to him to say it in his head so that he is not embarrassed with hs peers.

I agree with wholeheartedly with Shortbun about redirecting the emotions, not hiding them. Each child is different and verbal redirection is fairly effective with our son.

On a very interesting note: This summer, this same 9 yr DS was in our local circus. This circus in nationally known and quite extensive. It is all done by the youth and has juggling with fire, flying trapeze, 7-person pyramid on the high tightwire, etc... Well, DS was in a double trapeze act where he had to stay in tandem with his partner. If he made a mistake or dropped a hold, he had to continue and even keep smiling (!) He actually did it! In 12 performances, he made a couple of mistakes and he did not hang his head or react in anyway. I asked him why he didn't get made at himself. He simply said that he knew he had to go on or else his partner would be off, too. He had learned to control it for a particular purpose!!!!!! You can be sure that we will be using that example for him for years to come! That showed us that he can control his response, dust himself off, and continue. The circus was fantastic for hiim!

Hugs to you and best wished for you and your family.

 

[shortbun]

Hmm-interesting about the late night
activities of Italian children! In the last
year, Ds has found that a head and
shoulder rub from mom or dad helps
diffuse the tension too. Sometimes
I just say "come here and I'll rub your
head". Most of the time the behavior
calms completely. I do a nice head
massage-I'm teaching ds to do his own
too. I'm slowly teaching him relaxation
breathing and a little yoga stretching too.
The last thing I thought of was music.
Ds has found some great music he can
relax and listen too OR dance like a
maniac too. Whichever the outlet-the
music works to soothe the wild spirit.
DS like the most recent Sting and James
Taylor albums right now. Good sounds
replacing the "not so fun" sounds in ones
head is a good thing!
Good luck and keep having fun with your
ds!
mimi