How do I get my kids to get ALONG????

[RN01]

I need some major help. I feel like I have tried everything. I have 13 year old and 10 year old daughters that NEVER get along. They fight and argue over everything ever time they are together. We have tried going every Sunday after church out to eat as a family and they end up fighting and it's embarrassing. I really want to take them on vacation this summer but the thought of spending the whole week with them the way they are acting is unbearable. Also I have considered leaving them with a sitter and me and my husband go somewhere by ourselves but I wouldn't put a sitter through that. Please give me some advice on what I can do to get them to get along more.

 

[Camno's Mama]

I would use the trip as incentive! Be honest about how you feel and see if they try harder when they know they might not experience something fun because of their behavior. (That being said, mine are little, and I know that parenting teenagers is much different So, my advice might be a little off!)

If that doesn't work...go without them! Find someone you trust and let them handle it! My guess is, they'll behave better when you're gone anyway...kids always seem to pull out all the stops for their own parents.

Good luck! I know a lot of people have told me that multiple girls in a house can be a handful for this exact reason. Hang in there!

 

[DVCLiz]

I'd be setting some major limits, because I would get really tired of that kind of behavior very fast. I would make a list of privileges and I would remove them one by one when I saw the fighting start. And that would include picking at each other out of my sight, too.

They are behaving this way because they are allowed to get away with it. I'd say, "You know, girls, you are 10 and 13 - old enough to be expected to behave. I'm tired of living with this constant fighting and I'm not going to tolerate it any longer. Here are the new rules, and here's what will happen if you don't follow them. You can make this easy or you can make it hard on yourselves, but the end result will be the same - we are not going to have you fighting in this house." Then I'd get your DH on board and put your system in place. If they know that, as soon as the fighting starts, they lose computer or TV time, or have housework to do, or lose social events with friends, they will start to shape up, I'll bet.

If that doesn't work, I'd make them go to some family counseling. I know that sounds a little drastic, but honestly - do you want to spend a few uncomfortable hours with another adult who wants to help you, or do you want your daughters to fight with each other forever?

I hope you get some peace in your house!!!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

DVCLiz that is an excellent post. I would also like to add that if one starts the trouble etc., I would punish both of them. This way they learn to stick together instead of trying to egg the other one on to get them in trouble. They are fighting and acting poorly (especially in public) because they can. You need to make it very unattractive for them to do that. Good luck.

 

[drivencrazy]

My oldest two are 13 (this Monday) and 10 year old girls as well... they get along for the most part, they do fight some and we have had the times when all they do is fight. But they also have a 5 and 3 year old in the mix!!

There are 2 things that we have done.

1. Limit their time together, if one is in a room, the other can't be... we did this for a while with the older girls when they would fight everytime they were in the same room... they get to the point where they want to talk to eachother and spend time with eachother! They need to know that they are friends that look out for eachother.

If that doesn't work...

2. You make them do EVERYTHING together... make it like the 3 legged race and have them do whatever tasks are on the list for the day. There might be alot of fighting at first, but soon they will see that if they work together the work will get done. It is a good team building thing (we did this at one of my jobs one time)...

My girls do go back and forth, they get along great, or they fight like mad... I think a lot of it is the age and the 13 year old knowing she is growing up and the 10 year old thinking that she should be just like her big sister!

Right now, my oldest 10 and 13 are sharing a room---by their choice. But it has come to the point where my 13 year old wants her own room again because her sister "bothers" her, meaning she is trying to be to much like her... so we are painting the 5th bedroom and getting ready for the move into thier own rooms again!


Also, if you decide to leave them, maybe you would want to find 2 different babysitters for them... this way they wouldn't be together and you would not have to worry about the fighting.

Good luck, I hope something works out for you and them!

 

[tjmw2727]

DVCLiz that is an excellent post. I would also like to add that if one starts the trouble etc., I would punish both of them. This way they learn to stick together instead of trying to egg the other one on to get them in trouble. They are fighting and acting poorly (especially in public) because they can. You need to make it very unattractive for them to do that. Good luck.

I totally agree - was going to post just that until I read this

My dd's are 13 and 11 and a couple years ago a friend gave me that advice and it works. I found that they were (unconsiously) competing for my attention. I impemented the rule that it "takes two to argue, fight etc" and followed through with a consequence that was stated in advance. I also made sure that I paid more attention when we picked movies, outings etc that each felt the decision was fair, ie - alternating who picks the movies. Once things started going more smoothly it was easy to just reward good behavior and we were all happier. I also try and spend some 1-1 time with each girl as often as I can. Its usually about once a month and the upside is that dad gets 1-1 time with the other dd

If my dd's act up in public they will be leaving and face a consequence. I did it when they were toddlers (sans the punishment) and I would not hesitate to do it now - and they know it

Good luck-
TJ

 

[DVCLiz]

There's something else I thuoght of, OP, that might be helpful. When mine were small and the oldest started to pick at her little sister (they are 5 years apart), I said, "You know, you are the kind of girl you are because of the way Daddy and I treated you. You will grow up to be a particular kind of person because of what we taught you. But your sister is going to have not only Daddy and me, but you, to watch and learn from. If you want her to always be annoying to you, then you keep picking at her and making fun of things she can't do as well as you, or arguing because she wants something that is yours. But if you want a sister you can call on the phone and have fun with when you are old ladies after Daddy and I are gone, you need to understand that you are starting that relationship right now when you are children. So you decide which kind of sister you want when you get older - one who avoids you and won't ever be there for you or one that is close and a blessing in your grownup life?"

Boy, for some reason it was putting it in those terms that worked. I am so happy about the relationship my DDs have - they often have "sister time" wnen DD19 gets home on a college break - they go to dinner and a movie, or shop, or watch videos in bed together. But I did have to nip some of that girl fighting stuff in the bud when they were younger.

 

[momof3girls6712]

I have 3 girls ages 6, 7, and 12. For some odd reason they all get along with the youngest, but the 2 oldest fight constantly. I have tried giving each one of them special alone time with us. I have tried rewards and punishments. They just do not seem to mesh together. I enjoyed reading the advice here and plan to use it next.

However, a lady I work with has 1 of her boys live with her and 1 live with her exhusband. The divorce judge noted that the boys did not get along and ordered them not to live together. I am scared everyday my girls will end up like this without a relationship.

 

[blackforest]

There's something else I thuoght of, OP, that might be helpful. When mine were small and the oldest started to pick at her little sister (they are 5 years apart), I said, "You know, you are the kind of girl you are because of the way Daddy and I treated you. You will grow up to be a particular kind of person because of what we taught you. But your sister is going to have not only Daddy and me, but you, to watch and learn from. If you want her to always be annoying to you, then you keep picking at her and making fun of things she can't do as well as you, or arguing because she wants something that is yours. But if you want a sister you can call on the phone and have fun with when you are old ladies after Daddy and I are gone, you need to understand that you are starting that relationship right now when you are children. So you decide which kind of sister you want when you get older - one who avoids you and won't ever be there for you or one that is close and a blessing in your grownup life?"

Boy, for some reason it was putting it in those terms that worked. I am so happy about the relationship my DDs have - they often have "sister time" wnen DD19 gets home on a college break - they go to dinner and a movie, or shop, or watch videos in bed together. But I did have to nip some of that girl fighting stuff in the bud when they were younger.

Oh my gosh, that has to be the most beautiful, heartfelt thing I have ever read! Thank you so much! Our DD's are 8 years apart and we CONSTANTLY deal with this: critizing, belittling, the "she always gets her way". My girls are adopted and DD5 has to deal with a crappy birthfather (long story) and DD13 has different BParents. Alot of time we cut DD5 some slack, but it's really not fair I know, bad mom!

I will copy this and also pass it on to everyone I know. Siblings will fight but so far our response is (to the 13DD - "how old are you and how old is your sister?" Yeah, that goes over well!

 

[scorpad99]

Are you sure you arent talking about my kids (DD-12 and DS soon 2b 11) The always have fought about who sits in what seat, what color cup, I had that first, ETC!
I am lucky though , b/c mostly in public they are fine, But we have has spouts in airports, in line at Disney, in the supermarket, etc!
It does get a little easier as they get older, but I think sibling rivalry is quite normal. ( I fought with my DB -we are 27 months apart- and today we are close!)
HTH`s!

 

[Stephres]

I hope you do work on this because my sister and I are three years apart and never got along and we are not that close because of that today. It makes me sad but we are very awkward when we talk now because we did it civilly as kids.

Some mistakes my parents made were constantly comparing us. It drove me crazy. There was also a demand to know who started it and that person was punished severely. I agree with the posters that say they should be punished equally. Also, I read that you should compliment your kids to another adult while they are in hearing distance, it really pumps them up. I often tell my husband when my son played nicely with his sister when he gets home from work and I can just see my son puffing up with pride. Good luck; I hope you get this sorted out before your trip!

 

[RN01]

Thank you so much for all of the advice. It really makes me realize that I need to start being stricter about the whole thing. I like all of the ideas especially the one where they have to work together to get something done. Please keep the suggestions coming!!!!

 

[abcboys]

I think you need to spank them.

 

[dunbarfamily]

I love DVC Liz's post.

It must be hard parenting teenagers. I'm glad we still have several years to get ready! We're going to be in big trouble though, because our almost three year old thinks she's 16, complete with attitude and wanting to wear makeup!! Yikes!

 

[bjscheel]

Mine are 9 and 6 (I will be in your spot in 4 years!). They are bestest friends but there are the spats and they are usually something silly. Like who sits in a certain chair or who gets the Tinker Bell placemat, even who sits in the front of the bathtub when they share a bath!

Our solution for otherwise unsolvable problems is Whose Day Is It? DD9 gets odd days and DD6 gets even numbered days. This doesn't mean they get to run the show the whole day, but they can have their way on the minor things that don't have any other logical resolution. Whether that will work for older kids I don't know.

I love the post about what kind of sister do you want to have when you're older. I'm 31 and if I want to go shopping or do something fun, it's not my high school friends I call (and we are mostly still all living in our hometown); it is my sister and sister-in-laws or Mom. I remind the girls that friends will come and go, sisters are forever.

 

[RN01]

I think you need to spank them.

Ha ha, that's really funny. They are a little old don't you think?

 

[abcboys]

RN01-- You do know its me right?? Check out my ID!!! By the way I have no idea how to quote someone. I'm quoting challenged!!

 

[RN01]

RN01-- You do know its me right?? Check out my ID!!! By the way I have no idea how to quote someone. I'm quoting challenged!!

Okay I figured it out, I should have known ADCboys. hahahhahhah.

 

[solgent]

Get the book Siblings Without Rivalry. I can not recommend this book highly enough.

Another excellent book is called It's not fair, Jeremy Spencer's parents let him stay up all night.

But if you can only get one, since you asked about sibling issues I would get the sibling book.

We have 3 daughters ages 13, 13, and 10 and they get along really well. They experience frustrations, of course, and they will say negative things about one another, such as "X is mean," but they very, very rarely act on those feelings.

 

[2Kds2K9]

We have been going through this too. I have DS13 and DD11. They are worse than cats and dogs! I thought I'd have to commit myself last summer as it was so bad.

But, one day I sat them down and gave them the "family" speech listed above. They will have Mom and Dad around for awhile, but will have each other for the rest of their lives, God willing.

I also asked them if they would treat their friends the same way. That seemed to hit home a bit more. (I guess that was more on their level.) When they realized they would never pick on their friends or call them names, that seemed to settle them down. Now when they get fired up again, I just look at them and ask if that's how they'd treat their friend and it seems to stop.

Good luck. My friends keep telling me that we will all get through this in one piece and will miss all the ruckus one day. yeah, right!

Leigh