How do I deal with temper tantrums- DS (7)

[TexasErin]

Everything makes my 7-year-old son (Nicholas) mad....not scoring high enough on wii, being told to be quite at church, not being able to do something for himself.....and he and his 13-year-old sister fight a huge percentage of the time.....

For example, Sunday morning at church, we sat with one of his friends who brings his Nintendo DSI to church (yeah, I disagree with that, but not my child). I had to ask Nicholas to be quiet because he got really into watching his friend play and kept loudly whispering the score to me. I tried nicely to tell him to be quiet, because I did not want him to get mad and cause a scene. Nicholas would be quiet for a minute and then start giving me updates again. After about the fifth time of telling him to be quiet, he got really mad at me, and elbowed me! He got a spanking when we got home.

Another example.....before school, I'd nicely tell him to go brush his teeth. He'd play around and not do it, or do it as slowly as possible, until I'd finally have to tell him, not so nicely, to brush his teeth NOW. Then he'd get mad at me, and make faces at me......then he'd get a spanking.....then he'd make another face or grunt at me.....so then he'd get another spanking. I always start off like Doris Day, but he doesn't listen to that!

He does not get in any trouble at school, although recently, he got in trouble at Sunday school. He plays baseball and if he strikes out, he will start crying and throwing a fit.

I know that some of you will say that his inability to control his anger and frustration is because of spanking---- and I don't want to spank. I try to reason, but he does not listen to that. When he was younger, I tried time-outs, but I would have to stand there to make sure he didn't move, because he would slowly start inching his way out of wherever I put him. Or he would try to scoot to where he could see the TV when he was in time out, which would defeat the purpose of punishment.

I just don't know what to do to help him not get so angry all of the time. A lot of times, its like he still has not outgrown the terrible 2's!!! Ugh!

Any suggestions on helping him to deal with frustration?

 

[kwelch10377]

Well I can say clearly the spanking isn't working. I am not against spanking, but considering he gets spanked when you are angry at him, he is doing the same to you when he gets angry at you.

He seems like he is into the Wii....use that as a punishment. When he misbehaves take it away for X number of days. You could also reverse that use it as a reward and say if he behaves in church he is allowed to play Wii for X amount of time. Make him earn use of the Wii with good behavior.

He is also old enough where I think you can sit down and have a conversation and say, why do you act like this and see what he says. You never know you might be able to get an answer out of him.

 

[MerMom60_94]

Everything makes my 7-year-old son (Nicholas) mad....not scoring high enough on wii, being told to be quite at church, not being able to do something for himself.....and he and his 13-year-old sister fight a huge percentage of the time.....

For example, Sunday morning at church, we sat with one of his friends who brings his Nintendo DSI to church (yeah, I disagree with that, but not my child). I had to ask Nicholas to be quiet because he got really into watching his friend play and kept loudly whispering the score to me. I tried nicely to tell him to be quiet, because I did not want him to get mad and cause a scene. Nicholas would be quiet for a minute and then start giving me updates again. After about the fifth time of telling him to be quiet, he got really mad at me, and elbowed me! He got a spanking when we got home.

Another example.....before school, I'd nicely tell him to go brush his teeth. He'd play around and not do it, or do it as slowly as possible, until I'd finally have to tell him, not so nicely, to brush his teeth NOW. Then he'd get mad at me, and make faces at me......then he'd get a spanking.....then he'd make another face or grunt at me.....so then he'd get another spanking. I always start off like Doris Day, but he doesn't listen to that!

He does not get in any trouble at school, although recently, he got in trouble at Sunday school. He plays baseball and if he strikes out, he will start crying and throwing a fit.

I know that some of you will say that his inability to control his anger and frustration is because of spanking---- and I don't want to spank. I try to reason, but he does not listen to that. When he was younger, I tried time-outs, but I would have to stand there to make sure he didn't move, because he would slowly start inching his way out of wherever I put him. Or he would try to scoot to where he could see the TV when he was in time out, which would defeat the purpose of punishment.

I just don't know what to do to help him not get so angry all of the time. A lot of times, its like he still has not outgrown the terrible 2's!!! Ugh!

Any suggestions on helping him to deal with frustration?

Disciplining kids can be so difficult, can't it? I don't think there is ever a one size fits all solution because every child is different but I can tell you what worked well with my daughter (now 15).

If my daughter had a little meltdown over wanting something I would not only not get her what she wanted but I would take something away, as well. For your example of the situation that happened in church: I would have pulled her aside to speak to her during the services and I would have told her it is unacceptable to speak during church and if she continued she would lose her gaming system at home for a week. I would then bring her back into the services and if she continued I would immediately change the seating so she was not next to the other child and I would follow through with the punishment I had put forth when we got home. If that led to a tantrum she would lose it for two weeks. Consequently, I would reward when I saw good behaviors replacing the bad behaviors. Follow through is key. Do not make empty threats and make the punishment relavent. Good luck. This is the not so fun part of parenting.

 

[TexasErin]

Yeah, I'm not against spanking, but I agree that it isn't working. I'll try taking away things, and also using extra time as a reward. He's very strong-willed and a perfectionist which may help him later in life, but it makes parenting him difficult to say the least.....and rather embarrassing when we have problems in public.

 

[asta]

I don't know if this will help with frustration but I used a different type of punishment with my girls and it worked like a charm. We sat down together and came up with 8 or so things that they regularly enjoyed as priviledges. These were things that could be taken away like an hour of TV, Icees after school, asking a friend over, playing video games for an hour. They knew we were talking about things they would have to do without if they misbehaved. I wrote these on slips of paper and put them in a bag. After two warnings they had to pull a slip from the bag. Of course you have to follow through with what the slip of paper says.

I can't tell you how feared the bag became but how few times we actually had to use it. Just the thought of having to give up one of the things they liked doing usually made them behave. Something about buy in from the first and a little bit of the unknown made this work. And by the way, keep the bag. My girls are older now and love to laugh at the priviledges that we wrote on the slips.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Take away all the fun stuff at home and make him earn it back. Have "chore day" and make him do all the chores that you normally do all day long. There is no time to rest when you are a Mom. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom (scrubbing the toilet etc.) making meals- you get the picture. You do this for one entire day and let him know that every time he acts terrible then this is what he will do.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Wow. Sounds like you have a couple of things going. Your son being a poor sport when he loses and him getting angry when he doesn't get his way.

Clearly it needs nipping in the bud.

With my kids...if they can't handle loss properly (I.e. Without pitching a fit), they don't get to play. For baseball, I'd chat with the coach and see about benching him or something as a timeout. When my children have behavior issues at dance, I have let the instructors know that they can do whatever is needed (within reasonable limits) and I won't get upset. They can kick my mid out of class if needed.

With the WII--immediate loss of privilege for an outburst. If he can't be a good sport---he can't play at all. You may try modeling proper losing behavior with a board or card game.

With church...I'd escort him out for immediate discipline ( talking to).and at that moment set up a consequence for at home.

Our church has donuts and we only go when behavior is appropriate. So that is usually the consequence.

It seems you need a different way to provide a consequence and it needs to be more immediate. Even if it is...."we do not kick mom. When we get home you'll have to ___________."

If it were me....my naughty corner is portable.

 

[TexasErin]

Those give me some great ideas to start with. Those would help us to be a less-stressed family that gets along better. I can't wait to share these with my husband.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Everything makes my 7-year-old son (Nicholas) mad....not scoring high enough on wii, being told to be quite at church, not being able to do something for himself.....and he and his 13-year-old sister fight a huge percentage of the time.....

For example, Sunday morning at church, we sat with one of his friends who brings his Nintendo DSI to church (yeah, I disagree with that, but not my child). I had to ask Nicholas to be quiet because he got really into watching his friend play and kept loudly whispering the score to me. I tried nicely to tell him to be quiet, because I did not want him to get mad and cause a scene. Nicholas would be quiet for a minute and then start giving me updates again. After about the fifth time of telling him to be quiet, he got really mad at me, and elbowed me! He got a spanking when we got home.

Another example.....before school, I'd nicely tell him to go brush his teeth. He'd play around and not do it, or do it as slowly as possible, until I'd finally have to tell him, not so nicely, to brush his teeth NOW. Then he'd get mad at me, and make faces at me......then he'd get a spanking.....then he'd make another face or grunt at me.....so then he'd get another spanking. I always start off like Doris Day, but he doesn't listen to that!

He does not get in any trouble at school, although recently, he got in trouble at Sunday school. He plays baseball and if he strikes out, he will start crying and throwing a fit.

I know that some of you will say that his inability to control his anger and frustration is because of spanking---- and I don't want to spank. I try to reason, but he does not listen to that. When he was younger, I tried time-outs, but I would have to stand there to make sure he didn't move, because he would slowly start inching his way out of wherever I put him. Or he would try to scoot to where he could see the TV when he was in time out, which would defeat the purpose of punishment.

I just don't know what to do to help him not get so angry all of the time. A lot of times, its like he still has not outgrown the terrible 2's!!! Ugh!

Any suggestions on helping him to deal with frustration?

Yes! You need to be more proactive and active with your requests.

For example, in no way should you have been sitting with a kid who is playing his DS in church. Second as PP stated, you need to have clear rules & consequences when he does misbehave. Spelled out and on the fridge.

He needs to brush his teeth? Instead of using "command discipline" use another approach.

Put your arm around him and give him a hug and then say hey buddy time to go brush your teeth and then lead him to the bathroom.

At the same time start another conversation with him to distract him from the teeth brushing protest. Head him off at the pass.

Some kids love to challenge you and get a kick out of it. Time for reverse psychology & being proactive with what is expected and the consequences.

Also as a gamer myself, the rule is if you are not having fun playing your video game it means you need a break. This works on kids and adults.

 

[mrsv98]

We have been having trouble with major sassiness with our 10yo daughter, pre teen anyone? Grounding, taking things away (we don't spank) wasn't working so now we are using chores and that appears to be helping.

Example: Yesterday she was giving me sass so I made her stop what she was doing and empty the dishwasher. "But I was playing" she said, "Well you were also sassing me" says I "so now you can stop and empty the dishwasher" She did it and the sassiness went away. I have a couple of pretty onerous chores saved for a big blowup, actually I hope she gets lippy so I don't have to wash the kitchen floor myself!!

 

[woodkins]

When my now 7yr old dd was 5 we had a few "incidents" of arguing, attitude etc. The book "The Explosive Child" had awesome parenting and discipline suggestions mainly geared toward adolescent children. I continue to use their suggestions today and have a (mostly LOL) well behaved little girl.

 

[LunaLovegood]

I don't have kids, so I have no advice. I'm just in awe that someone would let their kid bring a DSI to church. I know it wasn't your kid, but wow! There's no way we would have gotten away with it when I was little. Church was boring, but we suffered through it . If it was me, I wouldn't even let him sit next to that kid. No room for over-stimulation that way.

 

[LisaR]

You need to nip this behavior quickly but you have been given good suggestions so I won't beat a dead horse.

However, I do have a comment on the church behavior. I think it is hard and boring for most 7 y/o to sit through a service. Add to that, his friend gets to play video games and he has to sit right next to him where he is suppose to be quiet and concentrate on the service. Even the best 7 y/o would have problems with that.

At minimum, I would not allow him to sit next to friends with video games when you are expecting him to be quiet and listen. I would also consider some type of Sunday school program for him while you attend the service. That seems more fitting for a 7 y/o. While some 7 y/o will sit still through a service, many are bored to tears and when they are bored, they tend to look for things to distract them and that usually involves noise.

 

[Buckalew11]

Yeah, as far as the church thing goes...just don't sit next to that boy anymore. A DS in church? Nope, can't go for it. At seven, you could try printing off some Biblical activities that he could do when the boredom/wiggles set in.

I'd remind him before service why you are there and why he needs to sit quietly. Then, I'd tell him the consequences for not doing so when you get home. If you use the taking priviledges away deal, it may take a few tries to work but, in general, I think it ususally does.

My DH has always liked the chore thing. I don't. I think it makes kids equate chores and housework with punishment. Cleaning house and picking up and putting away are part of life--doing your part as a family member. JMHO. But, like I said, DH has used it many a time with DD --it is usually stuff outside with him/for him, lmbo.

 

[kristilew]

OP, there is a fabulous book called "Discipline that Lasts a Lifetime" by Ray Gearundi http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-That-Lasts-Lifetime-Best/dp/1569553688/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277581122&sr=8-1

It is a quick, easy read with quick, easy ideas to address many specific discipline issues. It is for all ages, but especially useful for kids your DS's age. This is the age when they are outgrowing earlier strategies, and not yet willing to listen to reason. I've used many of the ideas with my own kid over the years, and I have also suggested the book in parenting classes I teach. Many moms have reported success.

One other suggestion I would make: a brief "pep talk" before any events you anticpate may involve behavior issues.

In the car in the church parking lot: Ok, we're going in to church. How do we behave in church? That's right! Quiet attention. I expect there to be no talking or squirming. I expect to hear one sermon point from each family member in the car on the way home. You can expect to lose Wii time if I have to remind you of these rules in the middle of the sermon. Ready family? Let's go!

Before playing video games: Let's review how a good sport behaves. I want to see a pleasant expression on all players' faces. I want to hear congratulations offered to winners. I want to hear "good game" offered to losers. The longer there is good sportsmanship, the longer you will be allowed to play.

 

[kellyg403]

Your ds sounds A LOT like my dd when she was younger. One of the things that worked for me was being consistent and not getting involved in the tantrum.

I say "Please brush your teeth". I ask twice, then I take her to the bathroom and stand there as she does it. No more discussing, no more buying in to the tantrum..nothing. In the end, she knew that no matter what she WAS going to do as requested so she might as well do it with as little problem as possible. Like another posted, I orginally started with taking things away and then added chores as a consequence. She really started not to care too much what I took away, she learned not to really get attached to anything! Or appeared to anyway. But, chores while her friends were playing..you can bet she would do it and be done.

Sometimes, the negative attention is worth it to them. So, turning more attention to the positive was very helpful. Thanking them for doing this or that, completing their chores without arguing and the most important for me was to not engage in the negative as much as possible. If we had a situation in a store. We stopped shopping, we went to the car and we went home. We didn't discuss it ad nauseum through the store, I didn't spend twenty minutes yelling. We left. I didn't say anything loud or unkind to her, I told her we were leaving until she behaved and I never said another word to her in the car, on the way out the door. I had already told her if we had to leave she would lose something at home. No need to discuss it. We would get home and I would get the item and that was that.

It worked for us. She really enjoyed attention, negative or positive..didn't matter as long as she was the center of the universe. By not fighting or continuing the 'mommy has asked you 33 times to behave in the last ten minutes' bothered her a lot. She understood about the 3rd time, she could certainly show herself, she could certainly do exactly as she was not supposed to but mom was going to keep to her word and not discuss it further or negotiate.

Kelly

 

[NAB]

The church thing would be an easy fix for me. Did you sit beside the boy with the DS? If they sat with you I would have separated the boys pretty fast or taken him out not wait until you get home. My kids were all over the place at church but if you keep correcting them they will get there.

That is one of my pet peeves at church. Parents let there kids walk back and forth on the benches, crawl underneath , talk loud and don't say a thing. I just think why are they there. I know you are not one of them because your trying to stop it.

I am with the others, I would take his most prized stuff away until he gets it. Spanking is not working. Plus I think 7 is getting to old to spank. It means nothing to them now as a punishment. Maybe in the morning after you have told him 3 or 4 times say next time I tell you to brush your teeth the wii is gone for the day....but make sure you give a warning first so he can correct himself. People forget this step. Ignore the faces , he knows that gets to you walk away.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I don't know if this will help with frustration but I used a different type of punishment with my girls and it worked like a charm. We sat down together and came up with 8 or so things that they regularly enjoyed as priviledges. These were things that could be taken away like an hour of TV, Icees after school, asking a friend over, playing video games for an hour. They knew we were talking about things they would have to do without if they misbehaved. I wrote these on slips of paper and put them in a bag. After two warnings they had to pull a slip from the bag. Of course you have to follow through with what the slip of paper says.

I can't tell you how feared the bag became but how few times we actually had to use it. Just the thought of having to give up one of the things they liked doing usually made them behave. Something about buy in from the first and a little bit of the unknown made this work. And by the way, keep the bag. My girls are older now and love to laugh at the priviledges that we wrote on the slips.

I think the bag idea is a great one. I like the way you were reasonable in the length of time the restriction would take place--ie an hour of tv or video game time. The punishment needs to match the crime and grounding for a week over one offense can be overkill.

With my daughter what worked very well was to have the pep talk before going somewhere. She'd get furious if we went shopping and didn't find something for her (ie, we were clothes shopping for her, but the store didn't have anything appropriate, in our price range, etc). I would talk to her beforehand and remind her of my expectations.

My 10yo is a very spirited child. I try to head a lot of things off at the pass and I choose my battles. I don't handle him with kid gloves, however I do remember that he is only a kid and still learning. Having said that, there are certain behaviors that are unacceptable and he knows that and knows that there will be consequences for breaking the rules.

No way would I allow your son to sit next to that friend in church, nor would I have even had the tv on when he was younger and in time-out. Limit the chances for misbehavior and whenever possible, make the consequences immediate. My first choice when it made sense was to have natural consequences and when that wasn't possible, logical consequences. Ie, if they didn't cooperate and do their homework, they had to suffer the bad grade (natural consequences). Or if they refused to do a chore, another chore was added (logical consequences).

Parenting is hard work!

 

[laurafergie]

I just wanted to ask if this behavior was a new thing (like in the last few months) or has he always been this way and just progressively gotten worse?

If this is new behavior, there may a medical reason (allergies) or a bully at school or some other thing that he does not know how to deal with at 7 years of age and makes him act out when the frustration level gets too high.

I am the LAST person to excuse bad behavior. Just ask any of my kids..LOL, but just wanted to throw out there that sometimes it isn't a parenting issue or a bratty issue - it could be an external issue.