How do deal with ex-in-law enounter??

[JoiseyMom]

Although your ex-MIL has not been a stellar grandmother, it sounds like your son wants to have a relationship with his grandmother. I think you should not do anything to damage that. If she really is horrible, he will learn that soon enough. If she is not, there is another person in his life to love him.

You don't have to be her best friend. But you do need to be polite. Are you hosting the party? Consider yourself acting as a good hostess.

Denae

She hasn't been any type of grandmother!! During my marriage she saw him 2x, and that was it! I don't think he wants a relationship, he wanted some answers. And since she didn't give him answers to his questions, he hasn't initiated anything. She might call, and he is polite enough to talk to her. She doesn't know how to love. She really doesn't.

And no, I am not hosting the party...it isn't at my home. She would NEVER be welcome in my home, and he knows that.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Wow. Lot's of negativity. You should try to get past it. It's your son's day. Support him and his desires. Don't let your bitterness become his problem.

Why not just be nice to her? Turn the other cheek, however many times it takes. It's just one day. How hard can it be?

Like it or not, she is his grandmother. He appears to want a relationship with her. Support him. Rise above your hatred. Who knows, maybe she's changed. If not, your son will learn soon enough.

Yes...lots of negativity..sorry I don't like anti-semitic ignorant people. ANd no, I will not be nice to her, in any way shape or form. The most adult thing I will do will be to walk away if she is there and comes anywhere near me. I have nothing to say to her now or ever that can be said in polite company.

And just because she shares DNA with him does not make her a grandmother. Grandmother is a title that is earned.

 

[MichelleVW]

She hasn't been any type of grandmother!! During my marriage she saw him 2x, and that was it! I don't think he wants a relationship, he wanted some answers. And since she didn't give him answers to his questions, he hasn't initiated anything. She might call, and he is polite enough to talk to her. She doesn't know how to love. She really doesn't.

And no, I am not hosting the party...it isn't at my home. She would NEVER be welcome in my home, and he knows that.

It sounds like you really have a lot of issues with this woman. I don't like my ex mil either and for the most part, neither do my kids, but to her face I am as nice as I can be. If you act hateful it just brings you down to her level.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Push her in the pool and when she swims to the side, pretend to help her out and then shove cake in her face.

 

[RitaZ.]

I think the best you can do in this situation is to be an ADULT. Your son is a grown man and if he chooses to invite the ex MIL that is his right.

If she approaches you, you put on your fake smile, and be polite- for the sake of your son and future daughter in law.

If you ruin this day for them due to some ill feelings toward the exMIL you will regret it the rest of your life- and it may ruin your relationship with your son. ExMIl is not worth that.

ITA.

If your son decides to invite her, you have to accept it and say nothing negative (not one word) to him about the witch or about his decision to invite her. Anything you say will hurt him and I'm sure you don't want that. Just keep telling yourself, "I'm doing this for my son." Repeat as often as needed.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

As stinky as it may be, she is grandmother. Try to avoid her and if you must, just say hi and move on to the next person. You're the groom's mom and will have a lot of people to greet that day. Your son seems to be okay with her, that's what is important.

 

[janets]

I'm not sure you have a lot of options open to you at this point.

I think the best you can hope for is that she doesn't have the nerve to show up. If she does, you avoid her completely. You are under no obligation to be polite to her, nice to her, cordial to her. I don't think I'd purposefully be rude or obnoxious, particularly because you don't want to cause DS any embarrassment, but I would do everything in my power to avoid her completely.

I like the idea of asking someone to watch out for her and if she seems to be approaching you, you walk the other way. Do not engage her in any way. You are not required to, especially if you are not in fact the hostess of the party.

I think you should be incredibly proud of your DS. He sounds like a wonderful young man. And in spite of the genetics from that side, he managed to grow up to be thoughtful and generous. Kudos to you!!!

Just be strong! It will be over in a few hours and you'll never have to see her again.

 

[JoiseyMom]

ITA.

If your son decides to invite her, you have to accept it and say nothing negative (not one word) to him about the witch or about his decision to invite her. Anything you say will hurt him and I'm sure you don't want that. Just keep telling yourself, "I'm doing this for my son." Repeat as often as needed.

I never said he shouldn't couldn't invite her. I said I hoped and prayed he wouldn't... I never told him not too.

He knows I hate her and he knows why, and he understands it and has no issues with my feelings towards her.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Push her in the pool and when she swims to the side, pretend to help her out and then shove cake in her face.

Do I have to pull her out?? Can';t I just hold her under??

 

[RitaZ.]

I never said he shouldn't couldn't invite her. I said I hoped and prayed he wouldn't... I never told him not too.

I never said that you did. I said that if he chooses to invite her, that it's best not to harp on it.

As you said, he is aware of your feelings toward her. Good luck!

 

[JoiseyMom]

It sounds like you really have a lot of issues with this woman. I don't like my ex mil either and for the most part, neither do my kids, but to her face I am as nice as I can be. If you act hateful it just brings you down to her level.

Hmm...she hated me, is an anti-semite, and abused her children (I saw it first hand and told my DH - her son to get me outta there), she didn't care about her grandsons at all. She tried once in 10 years to contact them because her DAUGHTER wanted to. She didnt care, and she doesn't care about them. If she did she would have tried to be a part of their lives. I was a 3 hour drive away. Birthday cards..phone calls NOTHING!! She chose not to be a grandmother for the first 21 years of his life. She doesn't deserve to know that joy that is my son's and my dil. She gave up that right.

Yes my son was interested..who wouldn't be. But she refused to answer his questions about her and certain things. He wants to maintain contact with the DD, but its not what you would call a family relationship. If that makes any sense.

I also had issues with what the DD told her about her childhood and how perfect it was growing up. ***!! I was there and saw her mom beat the ever living snot out of her for no reason. I saw the sort of person my ex had become. This wasn't some perfect family. I have also never heard of anyone having a perfect family...everyone has some sort of oddity and issues..that is normal...not the crock that the DD sent him in an email. So yes I am going to be wary of these people.

And as I said before the mil was only invited because he felt it would be rude if he didn't since he invited her kids. ANd only one of her kids is coming...the one that lives states away!

 

[Carys]

I think the litmus test for behaviour has to be whatever you do can't detract or distract or disturb a special day for your son. You may not respect her, but if you respect your son you won't do anything to take away from his occasion. I'm sure you won't, but I've seen situations where people forget this in the past and it only ends in regrets and the person most hurt is the one you're trying to protect. You sound like a great mum from what you've posted about how you've handled it in the past so I'm sure I'm preaching to the converted! If she of her own accord ruins his day this time around - well - at least you won't have to worry about her being invited to the wedding, right?? There's always a silver lining. Hope the day goes smoothly!

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, you don't have to be nice to her, you don't even have to speak to her, you only need to not create a scene.

Your son is aware of your feelings and your reasons for them. What the woman's DD (would this be your son's biological half sister, if I am understanding the familial relationship here???) says about her idyllic childhood is probably her coping mechanism...don't deny her that. She's probably doing the best she can with what she had to work with.

When I encounter people like that, that I know are difficult, awful people, I try to bring myself to feel pity for them, because they are to be pitied. Think of it...
~She has not had the pleasure of knowing your wonderful son
~She has been an unhappy, nasty, terrible person all her life
~She's going to spend the rest of her life nasty, unhappy and terrible
~She is reaping what she sowed

I find that pitiable. You're not going to change her, you're not going to change the past, so you need to change you...your perspective. Take away her power to get you all riled up just by thinking of her. She's looking for a reaction, so don't give her one. Give her a pitying look and a shake of the head and walk away.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

No..she is his sperm donors mother. Biology doesn't make you a grandmother. Grandmothers like moms and dads are there for their kids their entire lives. He doesn't call her grandmother and doesn't treat her as he did my mom or his other grandparents. He doesn't feel the same way towards her. He really doesn't want to invite her, but he wanted to invite her DD and felt he then had to invite her. What a mom I am...he has manners and morals..nothing like her or her son!

I agree with you.
What I would do is have a FABULOUS time at the party. I would celebrate my child with all my heart. If and when (because you know there will be a when) she approaches you simply treat her like you would treat a stranger in line at the grocery store. Smile and then move on to someone else you just HAVE to talk to. We can't control how other people act. We can only control how we react.
My Grandmother told me a long time ago that if someone truly means nothing to you then you will be indifferent to them. To have anger etc. means that you care about them in some way. I didn't understand at the time because I couldn't imagine not being so angry at some people that I have encountered but as I got older I completely got it. What she did was miss out. SHE was the one who didn't get to be a part of the children's life. YOU and your family got to enjoy it all. How sad for her that she still probably doesn't even get it. Don't let someone ruin your good time. This is a happy time and you should celebrate it as such. Embrace your true family and don't waste your heart on those that are not.
Good luck and congrats to your son. It seems like you have raised a great kid.

 

[MichelleVW]

I agree with you.
What I would do is have a FABULOUS time at the party. I would celebrate my child with all my heart. If and when (because you know there will be a when) she approaches you simply treat her like you would treat a stranger in line at the grocery store. Smile and then move on to someone else you just HAVE to talk to. We can't control how other people act. We can only control how we react.
My Grandmother told me a long time ago that if someone truly means nothing to you then you will be indifferent to them. To have anger etc. means that you care about them in some way. I didn't understand at the time because I couldn't imagine not being so angry at some people that I have encountered but as I got older I completely got it. What she did was miss out. SHE was the one who didn't get to be a part of the children's life. YOU and your family got to enjoy it all. How sad for her that she still probably doesn't even get it. Don't let someone ruin your good time. This is a happy time and you should celebrate it as such. Embrace your true family and don't waste your heart on those that are not.
Good luck and congrats to your son. It seems like you have raised a great kid.

Couldn't agree more.

 

[rie'smom]

Yes...lots of negativity..sorry I don't like anti-semitic ignorant people. ANd no, I will not be nice to her, in any way shape or form. The most adult thing I will do will be to walk away if she is there and comes anywhere near me. I have nothing to say to her now or ever that can be said in polite company.

And just because she shares DNA with him does not make her a grandmother. Grandmother is a title that is earned.

This is not about you. It is about your son and his engagement party. If you want this night to be special for him you'll have to suck it up. If you want him to have a miserable time, then you'll act ugly.

I would say "hello, thank-you for coming. It has made _____ very happy" You
don't have to lie and say that you're happy to see her. When she leaves, say,"Goodbye, thank you for coming."

You are a parent and you know the choices we have to make are not always easy but we make them because we want our children to be happy. Hopefully, you love your son enough to put his needs above your wants.

 

[ginna74]

yes being a grandmother isn't a automatic... just like being a daddy..people seem to forget that sometimes

genetics don't mean anything,

 

[MichelleVW]

Hmm...she hated me, is an anti-semite, and abused her children (I saw it first hand and told my DH - her son to get me outta there), she didn't care about her grandsons at all. !

My Ex Mil hates me, is a drunk, talks crap about me in front of my children and more, but I still smile in her face. I think it makes her crazy when I do that!!

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

I am very sorry you're having to deal with this issue on a day that should be so special for you. Even if X MIL doesn't come, you've still suffered stress about it already. I totally understand your feelings and don't blame you.

I had to deal with three ex family members at my niece's wedding and I was just miserable, but knew I had to be nice for my niece's sake even though I despised those people. I finally took a Xanax which made the day much less stressful. I was gracious to the people I despised but they no doubt "felt" my true feelings toward them.

Good luck to you. Hopefully she won't come and you can stop worrying about it.

 

[manning]

When you encounter her, be polite. otherwise ignore and forget her. If you spend the whole time hating her she wins, she controls you. How?? She is in your head. By enjoying yourself you are not thinking of her, she loses.

My dad used to say 'kill them with kindness, it will drive them nuts.'