How can I

[AgentMama]

"You're doing a great job" is highly inappropriate?

I think it's sad that we've come to a time where saying "I like your hair that way" or "Is that a new shirt?" isn't allowed in the workplace.

You're doing a great job isn't inappropriate, but the comment about her hair is. I think it's sad that we've come to a time that women are expected to suck up being uncomfortable being flirted with in the workplace because it's "harmless".

Today he said, oh you wore your hair that way, because you know I like it that way.

When I read the first post, I thought it was over the top, without detail, to take the issue to HR. But I think the OP should tell the co-worker that she is uncomfortable with his line of conversation, and if it continues, then it is appropriate to take the issue to her supervisor or his supervisor if there isn't an HR person to address it. No one has a right to flirt with you or make comments about your appearance and how it makes them feel while in the work environment.

 

[bigbabyblues]

He is just always over complementing me. You’re doing a great job, that color looks good on you, I like your hair that way. Is that a new shirt? He just finds reasons to talk to me. Today he said, oh you wore your hair that way, because you know I like it that way. I just kind of didn’t respond, and he said I m just joking and he started laughing and left.

At this point, I would have at least said, "Please don't talk to me unless it is work related". The next time I would probably say, "I don't like you, leave me alone". Maybe "I don't want you to talk to me, leave me alone" would be a little more mature. Is it polite? No. Some people can't take a hint.

 

[Gracedis1]

It would be great if another coworker could be present and you could tell him that comments on your personal appearance make you uncomfortable. Then if it persists you have a witness. The comment about you wearing your hair the way he likes to please him is concerning. Trust your instincts.

 

[Klayfish]

You're doing a great job isn't inappropriate, but the comment about her hair is. I think it's sad that we've come to a time that women are expected to suck up being uncomfortable being flirted with in the workplace because it's "harmless".

Actually, I'd argue the opposite. We've come to a time where women aren't expected to suck up being uncomfortable being flirted with, or had comment made to. Most places I know of very strongly prohibit it and anyone who speaks up is taken very seriously...as they should be.

I sure wish someone would comment that my hair looks nice though...all 5 of them.

 

[ronandannette]

We don’t really have an HR dept. My boss knows that he gets on my nerves, I did tell him today what happened and I told him he just creeps me out. I did tell my boss not to say anything to him. My boss told me that if he ever does anything inappropriate to tell him.

I can’t completely avoid him, I have to walk by his department (out in the plant) to get to my office. Several times a day. Also, his supervisor’s desk is in the same small office that I’m in. His supervisor was actually in there today when he was talking to me (he was in there asking him a work related question, which could have waited until he came back out) When he left, I told his supervisor “he gets on my nerves “ he said “yea, he gets on everybody’s nerves”

He knows that I’m married, he’s recently divorced. I don’t want any trouble. He’s nice to me, but he can be a jerk. Has been one to some of the guys out in the plant. (he is a know it all)

He is just always over complementing me. You’re doing a great job, that color looks good on you, I like your hair that way. Is that a new shirt? He just finds reasons to talk to me. Today he said, oh you wore your hair that way, because you know I like it that way. I just kind of didn’t respond, and he said I m just joking and he started laughing and left.

I’m just going to try and talk to him less than I do now. I guess I may just have to get rude, it’s just not my character.

Thanks for the help

Honestly, this post makes you sound a little attention-seeking and gossiping to everybody in your workplace about the guy is not appropriate. So “he gets on your nerves”? Well maybe you do the same to others - is how you’re dealing with this how you’d want them to be handling an issue with you? Either have a surperior take formal action, be blunt with him yourself or just learn to deal. Sheesh...

 

[sam_gordon]

You're doing a great job isn't inappropriate, but the comment about her hair is. I think it's sad that we've come to a time that women are expected to suck up being uncomfortable being flirted with in the workplace because it's "harmless".

Where did I say she (or any other female) should "suck up being uncomfortable"? If you don't want/like me complimenting you (and I'm talking about a "You look nice today" or "I like your hair like that"), then SAY SOMETHING. Don't sit there, accept the compliment, then complain to management because I complimented you.

Oh, and I was replying to a PP who said ALL the comments (including "You do good work") are HIGHLY inappropriate. I disagreed with that statement.

When I read the first post, I thought it was over the top, without detail, to take the issue to HR. But I think the OP should tell the co-worker that she is uncomfortable with his line of conversation, and if it continues, then it is appropriate to take the issue to her supervisor or his supervisor if there isn't an HR person to address it. No one has a right to flirt with you or make comments about your appearance and how it makes them feel while in the work environment.

Hm, I think I read this before in this thread. Nope. I wrote the same thing.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Where did I say she (or any other female) should "suck up being uncomfortable"? If you don't want/like me complimenting you (and I'm talking about a "You look nice today" or "I like your hair like that"), then SAY SOMETHING. Don't sit there, accept the compliment, then complain to management because I complimented you.

I think in 2018 men should be aware that commenting on what a woman is wearing in the workplace is not appropriate. Don't compliment me on my hair. Don't say I wore my hair like that because "you like it" (totally creepy). Don't comment on my looks. Period. It is not for you to do in the workplace.

Oh, and I was replying to a PP who said ALL the comments (including "You do good work") are HIGHLY inappropriate. I disagreed with that statement.

The minute you start talking about my physical appearance, I feel your admiration of my work has ulterior motives.

 

[_19disnA]

Some co-workers can be inept socially, clueless or just pushy. Generally, the direct approach with such people works best so then it is clear you are NOT interested in socializing with them. There is no need to be friendly toward someone you don't care to associate with even if you work at the same company.

 

[SteveH]

Step 1: Walk away, just walk away! Turn your back and make it clear you do not wish to engage in non-work chat.
Step 2: Address him directly, tell him you do not appreciate his comments about your appearance, be direct, not rude just direct.
Step 3: Clearly tell your supervisor that he makes you uncomfortable, be direct and clear. If you want have another employee with you.
Step 4: Give your boss a written memo about what you've already verbally told him and request that he address the issue.
Step 5: If the above do not produce results you need to make some choices. I'd say most states have options to report this, you can lawyer up or you can quit. I don't recommend the last one, but sometimes its the easiest solution.

Most of all don't play games, stand up and be direct, for most weak men that will send them packing fast.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

And I will add, I used to think complimenting co-workers on their looks, or a shirt, or whatever was perfectly ok. But I feel the climate has changed. Not all compliments are innocent.

 

[mom2rtk]

No need for a big confrontation. Next time he makes a personal comment just say "Can we just keep this to work stuff?"

 

[cinnaminny]

No need for a big confrontation. Next time he makes a personal comment just say "Can we just keep this to work stuff?"

ITA! And if says something in response, just tell him, I don't feel comfortable having someone comment on my appearance.

 

[sam_gordon]

I think in 2018 men should be aware that commenting on what a woman is wearing in the workplace is not appropriate. Don't compliment me on my hair. Don't say I wore my hair like that because "you like it" (totally creepy). Don't comment on my looks. Period. It is not for you to do in the workplace.

And I think it's sad that you can't compliment someone. I agree with the bolded though. That's not a compliment.

ETA: I hope you feel it's also not ok for women to compliment other women.

 

[SharonZ]

Just be honest and tell him that you feel uncomfortable. He's not done anything inappropriate, there's no reason to involve HR.

 

[gotomu212]

We don’t really have an HR dept. My boss knows that he gets on my nerves, I did tell him today what happened and I told him he just creeps me out. I did tell my boss not to say anything to him. My boss told me that if he ever does anything inappropriate to tell him.

I can’t completely avoid him, I have to walk by his department (out in the plant) to get to my office. Several times a day. Also, his supervisor’s desk is in the same small office that I’m in. His supervisor was actually in there today when he was talking to me (he was in there asking him a work related question, which could have waited until he came back out) When he left, I told his supervisor “he gets on my nerves “ he said “yea, he gets on everybody’s nerves”

He knows that I’m married, he’s recently divorced. I don’t want any trouble. He’s nice to me, but he can be a jerk. Has been one to some of the guys out in the plant. (he is a know it all)

He is just always over complementing me. You’re doing a great job, that color looks good on you, I like your hair that way. Is that a new shirt? He just finds reasons to talk to me. Today he said, oh you wore your hair that way, because you know I like it that way. I just kind of didn’t respond, and he said I m just joking and he started laughing and left.

I’m just going to try and talk to him less than I do now. I guess I may just have to get rude, it’s just not my character.

Thanks for the help

I think you need to separate things that annoy you from things that you make you uncomfortable. You should stop telling your boss and his boss that he’s annoying and “gets on your nerves”. People have annoying coworkers, chatty Cathy’s, the people who never seem to have work to do and want to stand around talking- and you deal with that by ignoring them or by saying “I can’t talk now I need to get back to work”. The fact that someone’s personality is annoying isn’t something you talk about to others.

That’s completely separate from someone making inappropriate comments. If that is happening you tell them “I am uncomfortable when you say x. Please don’t”. If it’s something that could be innocent (and at our workplace complimenting someone on a haircut or outfit would be considered fine because it’s not unusual for two friendly people- same or different sexes- to say “Is that a new necklace, it looks great” for example as a common social small talk) you should absolutely give someone the benefit of telling them you don’t appreciate any comments before bringing it higher. One of the first questions HR asks reporters here is whether they have told someone their comments aren’t appreciated (and again I’m talking about ones that could be innocent and aren’t OBVIOUSLY inappropriate). If they don’t stop after that, you escalate.

If it’s something that has no possible way of being innocent you should still tell them their comment made you uncomfortable AND report it to your supervisor. But be very factual with your supervisor that he said x that was inappropriate don’t just say “he creeps me out”.

 

[Lynne M]

I wish I could explain this better, but there are ways to discourage unwelcome attention without being overt about it. You've seen people do it, I'm sure. You can be polite and respectful without being friendly. You can be very willing to talk about work topics, and excuse yourself and leave when the talk turns personal. You can smile at someone, and they'll know you don't mean it. At all.

It's an important skill set to develop. Superficial politeness.

 

[Poohforyou]

Honestly, don't be polite. If you don't want him to talk to you than don't respond. If he says something just turn and go about your work.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

And I think it's sad that you can't compliment someone. I agree with the bolded though. That's not a compliment.

ETA: I hope you feel it's also not ok for women to compliment other women.

In the workplace, I don't comment or compliment anyone's appearance. Male or female. I just don't. I used to, but I now see that it is inappropriate to comment on a co-workers looks. No matter how kind I think I am being.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

get this man at work to quit talking to me without being mean or rude?

He makes me uncomfortable. (There’s things I know about him too, that I won’t discuss here) He’s never done anything inappropriate, but he kind of flirts. We have no reason to even talk to each other (about work related issues) Anytime he speaks to me, it’s not work related. I’m polite, but I never encourage him or try to talk to him. I keep the conversation as short as possible. Today, he just really got on my nerves.

I just want him to leave me alone.

Any advice?

Try telling him you don't really want to socialize.

 

[Jennasis]

We just went through sexual harassment training at work...apparently if your company has a policy about harassment (check the company handbook) and it `provides an avenue for addressing reporting unwelcome behavior (like going to your supervisor, which you have done) it is now THEIR responsibility to handle it otherwise the company itself is now liable for his behavior legally if you sued.