How can I tackfully handle this?

[Neesy228]

I hope I don't get flamed for this, but I am really hoping that someone has been through something similar and can offer advice.

We live in a great neighborhood...tons of kids, all about the same age. We (the parents) are all very good friends and the children are all very good friends. It's like Mayberry. It was a serious amount of luck.

Last year, this woman, her boyfriend and her young son moved in down the street. Suddenly, we went from Mayberry to Wisteria Lane. We've heard a variety of rumors about her "occupation" and addition to these rumors, she's been arrested twice for attempted burglary and theft by deception. The police have been to her house three times that I'm aware of...Her boyfriend was taken away to a mental institution many months ago, and she quickly replaced him with someone else's husband from right down the street! To say that her little boy is...um....unruly? would be an understatement.

Lately, since the new boyfriend is on the scene he has been encouraging all of our kids (mine and most of those on our street) to come over to play -- even the girls (which seems creepy to me) and he actively encourages this little boy to come to our houses and play in our yards with our children. Mind you, neither mother or boyfriend are around and no one ever asks if it's okay.

I feel terrible for this child - he's only 6 and has had 4 different "Dads." He tells us that he has a new Dad or his old Dad left or whatever...None of this is his fault. So, I feel horrible not wanting him to play, but I don't. I find him disruptive and disrespectful. I'm also offended that his parent(s) think that he can just come to play uninvited. I don't want to be friends with this woman or this new man, and I don't want my kids to be friends with this little boy.

My problem is that I don't want to be horribly mean because I do feel badly for him. So, aside from the "get out of my yard and leave us alone" routine, how can we effectively communicate that they are not welcome?

I'm open to any ideas...I know I sound like a jerk, but we are all struggling with an effective way to deal with this situation. Thanks for reading this far.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I think what I would do is start telling him you were busy and he couldn't stay.

If you are outside playing that wouldn't work though.

We had one little boy who was 9 in our neighborhood who came home with
DS10 almost every day.

I finally had to start telling him we were busy and he couldn't stay. I had never met either of his parents.

It turned out he was a latchkey child and was scared to be home along for 2 hours before his mother got home from work.

That was how I met his mother, when I went to their door one evening and talked with her about it. She told me just to send him home which is what I was doing.

I felt bad for the boy but I wasn't going to watch him for her every day after school. They moved the next year.

 

[chloe770]

It's hard to tell a kid they aren't welcome when really his situation is not his fault. Maybe instead of tell him he is not welcome, you could explain to him the rules at your house and that if he wants to play with your child this is the way he has to act. Also let him know that you do not want your child to play at his house because the rules are so different. If the child is as out of control as you say, he's not going to want to follow your rules and will probably just start to stay away. good luck

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

We have experienced a similar situation on our street. I explained to my children that their friend would need to be invited to play and they would have to ask me first. This became a rule for all friends within a short period of time. To this day my DD15 and DS13 will ask first before anyone plays at our house or before they go to someone elses. And the rule applies, when I say yes, I mean yes, and when I say NO, dont push it, I mean no... good luck and maybe try a few "short" play dates and work up from there.

 

[imthatgirl]

i dont think i would tell the child to leave. his situation isnt his fault and it doesnt make him a bad child.
i would not let my children play there of course, but as long as he was respectful of my home i would probably welcome him, he may need a friend. i know you said he was unruley, so i would say these are the rules and if they are broken you will have to leave. after a couple times leaving, he wont want to leave and he will follow the rules. its possible hes never had rules. as much as they say they dont, kids actually like rules, it makes them feel comfortable in the surroundings. he may respond quite well.

as for the neighbors. i would let them live their lives and i would live mine. you cant pick your neighbors but you dont have to socialize with the either.

 

[CampbellScot]

It's hard to tell a kid they aren't welcome when really his situation is not his fault. Maybe instead of tell him he is not welcome, you could explain to him the rules at your house and that if he wants to play with your child this is the way he has to act. Also let him know that you do not want your child to play at his house because the rules are so different. If the child is as out of control as you say, he's not going to want to follow your rules and will probably just start to stay away. good luck

well said! I was going to say the same thing...let this little boy know that if he wants to play at your house, he has to follow your rules. If he can't do that then he will need to leave. That puts the choice in his hands and he is spared being "sent away". I know it's hard to deal with kids like this. We had a similar child on our block. Nobody liked him, he was loud and rude and generally disrespectful. My mom laid down the law, told him that he would need to be respectful and use appropriate language if he wanted to come play. From that day on he yes ma'am'd my mother every time he spoke to her. He was often hungry and lonely. His father beat him and his mother was a severe alcoholic. They were all living with his elderly grandmother. It was a very bad situation. We started taking him to church with us.

years later he's married with four little girls! He named one of his daughters after my mother! His life never got any easier. He got into trouble all throughout his life, but we kept in contact. He still talks about my mom and me and remembering that we were kind to him and real friends to him when no one else would let him play in their yards. He says he learned what he wanted in a family from my mom and the way she parented us.

it certainly isn't your job to parent this child or care for him, but you never know what impact a little bit of kindness will have on a child. You may be the only good role model he sees each day.

Keep a good eye on your daughter, lay down the rules firmly but kindly and see where it goes. You might be surprised!

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

Great post, CampbellScott!

Next time the boy comes over, set some boundaries. Give him rules, and let him know that when he breaks a rule, he has to leave. If he wants to play at your house, he will follow the rules...or he won't like the rules, and will stop coming over because you keep hounding him. Chances are, he will respond well to some boundaries and will look to you for approval.

 

[Camno's Mama]

It's hard to tell a kid they aren't welcome when really his situation is not his fault. Maybe instead of tell him he is not welcome, you could explain to him the rules at your house and that if he wants to play with your child this is the way he has to act. Also let him know that you do not want your child to play at his house because the rules are so different. If the child is as out of control as you say, he's not going to want to follow your rules and will probably just start to stay away. good luck

I think this is a great way to handle it. I think it would be hard to ignore them since they live down the street and they're going to know what you're up to. Being direct might be your best bet.

 

[karinbelle]

I think this is a great way to handle it. I think it would be hard to ignore them since they live down the street and they're going to know what you're up to. Being direct might be your best bet.

You never know when you will have a great impact on the life of someone else. This may be your chance to be the role model this poor boy sorely needs. Help him by setting clear, reasonable boundaries at your house. He sounds desperate for someone to care enough to be firm with him.

Children need boundaries. That is how they know they are loved. No boundaries just means that no one cares what they do. Be someone who cares.

 

[Aliceacc]

I agree. This child needs to learn how to get along in civilized society. He's not learning about boundaries at home; it would be a nice thing if you an the neighbors could make an attempt to show him. If most of the neighborhood would allow him over to play "but here are our house rules:" he would get the point. Six year olds are pliable-- he will come around. If you wait 10 years, you're going to have a problem on your hands. You don't want a 16 year old with no respect for his neighbors or for civilized behavior living down the block.

But my kids would NOT be going over there to play.

As a total aside, the husband from right down the road who became a replacement boyfriend: I'm a big believer that people in relationships can't be "taken"-- they go freely. So I'm guessing that there was more going on behind the closed doors of Mayberry than you may have been aware of.

 

[powellrj]

I'm not being snarky, but do you really have to invite kids to play in your yards? We have always had a yard full of kids playing in our yard and I don't know the parents of 80% of them. Heck, many of them don't even live in our neighborhood. My kids are older now so most of the kids have moved on to other houses, but we never issued invites to play in the yard. If the kids were out, they could play was the only formal invitation issued.

 

[Neesy228]

I'm not being snarky, but do you really have to invite kids to play in your yards? We have always had a yard full of kids playing in our yard and I don't know the parents of 80% of them. Heck, many of them don't even live in our neighborhood. My kids are older now so most of the kids have moved on to other houses, but we never issued invites to play in the yard. If the kids were out, they could play was the only formal invitation issued.

Yes, we do -- if we don't know the child and they don't know us. Additionally, our backyard is fenced, and I do feel that it's impolite to just come through our gate without an invitation. I would never allow my children to just invite themselves into someone elses yard or home without being invited. And, everyone's parents are almost always present to watch their own kids. It's just the way we do it around here....

 

[Neesy228]

I agree. This child needs to learn how to get along in civilized society. He's not learning about boundaries at home; it would be a nice thing if you an the neighbors could make an attempt to show him. If most of the neighborhood would allow him over to play "but here are our house rules:" he would get the point. Six year olds are pliable-- he will come around. If you wait 10 years, you're going to have a problem on your hands. You don't want a 16 year old with no respect for his neighbors or for civilized behavior living down the block.

But my kids would NOT be going over there to play.

As a total aside, the husband from right down the road who became a replacement boyfriend: I'm a big believer that people in relationships can't be "taken"-- they go freely. So I'm guessing that there was more going on behind the closed doors of Mayberry than you may have been aware of.

Yes, I agree with everything you said. I think I'm struggling with looking like I/we are picking on this little boy because he isn't following the rules. The reality is that most of the kids know the rules and listen 95% of the time (or are reprimanded by their own parents), whereas he listens only 60% of the time, so he gets "called out" more often. And since his mother isn't around, we are the ones doing it all the time.

As far as the husband, they were having problems, and I blame him as much as her, but I do feel horrible for his soon to be ex-wife and his children. What a terrible situation to be in...

 

[NMAmy]

I'm not being snarky, but do you really have to invite kids to play in your yards? We have always had a yard full of kids playing in our yard and I don't know the parents of 80% of them. Heck, many of them don't even live in our neighborhood. My kids are older now so most of the kids have moved on to other houses, but we never issued invites to play in the yard. If the kids were out, they could play was the only formal invitation issued.

We never did in the several neighborhoods we lived in when dd was young. Kids would be back and forth playing outside at all the different houses. DD just had to tell me when she was moving to a different location so I'd know where she was. No invites. No parents watching their every move. All sorts of kids in and out of the house getting drinks and snacks. I guess I've always just lived in more casual areas.

And, to answer the OP's question, I would still allow him to play at my house. There is no tactful way to say that he's not allowed to. He'd have to follow my rules while he was there and I'd make that very clear. But if his home life isn't that great, perhaps your family could reach out and provide a safe haven for him to learn rules and boundaries.

 

[Tricia819]

We have a similar "family" living two houses down from us. My girls used to play with their son frequently until I over heard him calling one of them a st&*#d f&$*&#g b*%&h. And this kid is only like five years old!!! I'll shamefully admit.....I snapped. I angrily told him, "We don't talk like that at our house! Get out of our yard!" I explained to my girls that I don't want them playing with him if he is going to use bad words and if they are going to be playing with him at all they have to either play at our house or stay in his front yard where I can see them. They know I don't like his foul mouth and will come home if he starts being nasty. He must not like my rules because he doesn't come down anymore and my girls only go down there when there is no one else to play with and there isn't anything in the house that they want to do.

 

[sashagiselle]

You're in a tough spot. I am the first to offer help to someone, but at the same time you do not want to become a built in babysitter. When I come home or on the weekends, I want to enjoy my kids and not have the stress of watching someone elses. Good luck, maybe you can talk to some of the other neighbors and you guys can come up with a plan.

 

[tzolkin]

I'm not being snarky, but do you really have to invite kids to play in your yards? We have always had a yard full of kids playing in our yard and I don't know the parents of 80% of them. Heck, many of them don't even live in our neighborhood. My kids are older now so most of the kids have moved on to other houses, but we never issued invites to play in the yard. If the kids were out, they could play was the only formal invitation issued.

Well, at our house kids don't have to be "invited", but I do not allow them to play in our yard whenever they want. If the kids are inside they come to the door to ask if they can play; if they're outside my DD will usually come in to let me know so-and-so came over to play. We have the only fenced in yard and the only playset. I feel responsible for the kids if they are in my yard and I have to supervise them. I have an older DD and two preschoolers. There have been a few times where I've asked a neighbor kid to not do something (like swing on the tire swing with the little kids out there, jump off the slide, etc.) and my kids have been injured. Obviously they don't intentionally hurt them, but it takes more effort to supervise them when you have a wide age range. Honestly, sometimes I'm just busy and don't want to watch all the neighbor kids and sometimes DH & I just want to do something outside with our own kids.

I don't feel bad about not having my yard open at all times. And I will send a child home if they are fighting or repeatedly don't listen. It would be difficult to exclude one child from playing at your house unless you have a really good reason.

 

[Rylee]

I know this child is not your responsibility, but I hope you'll consider giving this boy another chance and allow him to play at your house.

I would tell him, he is welcome to play, as long as he behaves and follows your rules. You'll probably need to teach/remind him about what is and isn't appropriate/allowed. If and when he acts up, send him home, explain why, and tell him he can come back when he can behave.

I understand your concern, and I would NOT allow my children to play at his house, however... your children will come in contact with people from all "walks of life" but here, in your own home, you have a situation you can have some control over. You can teach your children, even when around "bad influences" they still need to make the right choices and do the right thing, while setting an example about kindness and compassion, as you extend yourself to a child in need.

 

[LadyShea]

Just wanted to add my endorsement to the "you can play here if you follow our rules" idea.

That's perfect for several reasons; it applies to everyone and it gives ALL the kids a choice of whether to follow the rules or play elsewhere. Also, it keeps the situation calm...you don't need to be angry and stressed to say "You broke a house rule by being disrespectful to X (or hitting or swearing or whatever). You have to go home now. When you're ready to apologize and follow the guidelines you may come back"

If you could get the whole neighborhood to institute similar rules and the same policy it would be even better.

 

[leagirl12]

I agree with the pp who stated...tell him your rules.

Reading this just breaks my heart....for this little boy that is. You are wanting to punish him for the parenting actions or lack of actions from an adult.

Be the better person and show some love to this young child.