How can I guide my daughter through homesickness?

[MerMom60_94]

DD (15) is an only child and is pretty close with DH and I. This year she finally started breaking away a bit and sleeping over at friends and spending more time away from us. One of her friends parents runs the agricultural section at a fair that is in another part of the state and needed help tending to the animals for the week. DD was asked if she was interested and they would pay her. This ties in with what she studies at school and I thought it would give her an appropriate, fun break from us and a little bit of freedom and she could earn a few dollars. Well, she left Thursday afternoon and this is the third night she has texted me that she is homesick and wants to come home. I won't let her come home for a few reasons: I am sure she is needed since this is a paying job and I don't want her to stiff the person who got her the job, I think she needs to desperately learn some coping skills, and it just isn't right to make a commitment and back out of it. I think it's important for her to learn to work through it. With that being said, how do I guide her through this? She is there for another whole week and if she is at the point of tears now I can imagine it will make for a long week. I took a day off from work tomorrow so DH and I can visit her and take her on some of the rides and hang out. I am beginning to worry that will make things worse. How do I help her to learn how to cope? Any thoughts / advice will be appreciated.

 

[My sister's princess]

DD (15) is an only child and is pretty close with DH and I. This year she finally started breaking away a bit and sleeping over at friends and spending more time away from us. One of her friends parents runs the agricultural section at a fair that is in another part of the state and needed help tending to the animals for the week. DD was asked if she was interested and they would pay her. This ties in with what she studies at school and I thought it would give her an appropriate, fun break from us and a little bit of freedom and she could earn a few dollars. Well, she left Thursday afternoon and this is the third night she has texted me that she is homesick and wants to come home. I won't let her come home for a few reasons: I am sure she is needed since this is a paying job and I don't want her to stiff the person who got her the job, I think she needs to desperately learn some coping skills, and it just isn't right to make a commitment and back out of it. I think it's important for her to learn to work through it. With that being said, how do I guide her through this? She is there for another whole week and if she is at the point of tears now I can imagine it will make for a long week. I took a day off from work tomorrow so DH and I can visit her and take her on some of the rides and hang out. I am beginning to worry that will make things worse. How do I help her to learn how to cope? Any thoughts / advice will be appreciated.

You sound like such a great mom! So many people would go get her instead of helping her through!
Can you send her a package? Some fun silly stuff to help her thorough? Is she able to call every night?

 

[MerMom60_94]

Thank you My Sister's Princess, I keep going back and forth on whether I'm being a great mom or an awful mom. I will actually be down there to see her tomorrow and could put together some sort of package of things to get her through. Oddly enough, I didn't see this coming. She has been so independent in recent months and not spending an awful lot of time hanging out with us that I thought she would enjoy this.

 

[My sister's princess]

Thank you My Sister's Princess, I keep going back and forth on whether I'm being a great mom or an awful mom. I will actually be down there to see her tomorrow and could put together some sort of package of things to get her through. Oddly enough, I didn't see this coming. She has been so independent in recent months and not spending an awful lot of time hanging out with us that I thought she would enjoy this.

I think this is going to be great for her. At 15, college isn't that far off, and she can use this as a practice run. It is awesome that you can go see her tomorrow, I bet that will help alot. I know sometimes when I went to summer camp, just being out of my element, and being on someone else's schedule would throw me off.

 

[scottishduffy]

Talk positively about her experience and encourage her by letting her know you have faith in her ability to stick it out.

I do not mean to disregard her feeling, let her discuss whatever she needs. But on your end stay positive and let her know you are proud of her. Ask about her day and encourage her talk about things she is doing there and experiences she is having.

When I was a camp counselor we generally encourage parents to stay positive and tell their children how proud they were of them. Couple that with regaular contact from home and most kiddo's got over it easily enough once they had settled into the new routine. I knwo she isn't at camp but tthe same concepts may apply.Good luck!

 

[EeyoreEma]

I feel for her. I was always the same way, and I know that it must be rough for you to deal with as well as her. I was always the most homesick the first few days of anything, and as I adjusted it would get better. Honestly, it very well may make it worse to have you visit with her tomorrow. I know that it would have set me back had my parents come to see me when I was away. I think you're doing a great job with something hard to deal with. Just to warn you ... this trend continued (continues?!?!) with me for a long time. I stayed in my hometown for college (even lived with my parents for most of it ... until I got married!). I was a wreck when dh and I moved away. Hugs to both you and your dd ... this is making me homesick just thinking of it! And I know down the road my dd (and who knows, maybe even ds!) is going to be just like this! At 4, my dd has already told me she's not going to go to college or get married, because she loves me too much and doesn't want to be away from me.

 

[PebblesMK]

You are a great mom, and she's just getting into the swing of things. I'm willing to bet that her days will be filled with fun and learning that the only time she will be homesick is at night, and hopefully by then, she'll be so tired that she'll drift off to sleep. However, all kids are different and I too have one that is lost without me and doesn't like staying the night places, so I think the package is a great idea and maybe a "letter a day" that she can open. It doesn't have to be anything long or super special. Maybe just a joke or a quick little note, it will let her know you're thinking about her but also that she is going to do just fine and you're excited to hear about all the fun things she experienced that she wouldn't be able to do sitting at home. I wish the both of you luck, it's hard being away, but it makes it so much better to come home.

 

[*Meagan*]

I am/was also an only child, granted Im 26. BUT I know exactly how she feels.. But I was a little younger than her.. Id say when I was about 8-12 yrs old it would just depend on how I was feeling but I would get homesick at a sleepover up the street! I just remember my mom saying "we will be here tomorrow. were not going to leave town in the middle of the night" My homesickness was more of them leaving in the middle of the night and never returning.. which now thinking about it.. Im laughing! Why would they ever leave me, who knows, but that is what my mind thought! LoL! Homesickness is not a fun feeling BUT I think what you are doing is great! She is 15 and she accepted the responsibility and she will get through it and HOPEFULLY this will help in the long run. She will realize that she can go a couple of days without you guys and her sickness will start to settle. You are just a phone call away. Its all about encouragement and assuring.

I now live 2500 miles away from my parents, friends, and family and I definitely get homesick. Just not like before its a different feeling of just sadness sometimes and not seeing my parents everyday, like what I am used to. Now I see my husband everyday instead!

HANG IN THERE!

 

[MerMom60_94]

I think this is going to be great for her. At 15, college isn't that far off, and she can use this as a practice run. It is awesome that you can go see her tomorrow, I bet that will help alot. I know sometimes when I went to summer camp, just being out of my element, and being on someone else's schedule would throw me off.

Well you know, one of the reasons I mentioned she is an only child is because she doesn't have siblings to throw her off and the three of us are all pretty introverted so even when we are together we go off in our corners and are alone (but together, if that makes sense). Where she is she probably doesn't have that luxury and she is having to roll with the punches. I tried to advise her last night that maybe she can go off in a corner with her ipod and a book and kind of block out the activity that is going on around her.

Talk positively about her experience and encourage her by letting her know you have faith in her ability to stick it out.

I do not mean to disregard her feeling, let her discuss whatever she needs. But on your end stay positive and let her know you are proud of her. Ask about her day and encourage her talk about things she is doing there and experiences she is having.

When I was a camp counselor we generally encourage parents to stay positive and tell their children how proud they were of them. Couple that with regaular contact from home and most kiddo's got over it easily enough once they had settled into the new routine. I knwo she isn't at camp but tthe same concepts may apply.Good luck!

I definitely agree your experience as a camp counselor can be applied here. I really hope you are right. This was the opening weekend of the fair so she probably didn't have as much time to just relax and do some of the things she and her friend talked about doing (horseback riding and going to the beach). I am hoping as we get into mid-week the crowds will calm down and they will be able to do some fun things. She keeps telling me this isn't what she thought it would be.

I feel for her. I was always the same way, and I know that it must be rough for you to deal with as well as her. I was always the most homesick the first few days of anything, and as I adjusted it would get better. Honestly, it very well may make it worse to have you visit with her tomorrow. I know that it would have set me back had my parents come to see me when I was away. I think you're doing a great job with something hard to deal with. Just to warn you ... this trend continued (continues?!?!) with me for a long time. I stayed in my hometown for college (even lived with my parents for most of it ... until I got married!). I was a wreck when dh and I moved away. Hugs to both you and your dd ... this is making me homesick just thinking of it! And I know down the road my dd (and who knows, maybe even ds!) is going to be just like this! At 4, my dd has already told me she's not going to go to college or get married, because she loves me too much and doesn't want to be away from me.

I can remember being homesick when I was a child sleeping over my grandmothers on school vacation. I always thought I was hiding it but somehow my Nana knew I was homesick and my parents would have to come get me. It would be so much easier for me right now if I didn't know the feelings she is having. When DD was younger she used to insist she was going to build an apartment out where the swingset was when she grew up so she wouldn't have to move away.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I am a single mom with a 17 year old. She and I are incredibly close. She would not go to sleepovers, preferring to sleep at home. Last summer DD applied for and was accepted to a very prestigious $$ 2 week educational camp. She was so excited. Two days in I got the call from her, please come get me, I want to come home, its no fun, etc etc. I told her NO! Inside I was dying. Told her she made a commitment and needed to fulfill it. I insisted that she attend the night activities and call me when she got back. Long story short, she had an amazing time and it was the highlight of her summer.

Flash forward, to this summer. Again, DD was accepted to the camp. She forgot about being homesick, until day 3 when she was overwhelmed with the idea of not seeing me for 11 more days. We talked, I consoled, she listened, she made a plan on what she can do to feel better. By the next day she was in high spirits.

I know your pain. It is hard to see your child not coping as well as we assume they should be. Remember, though, your child is happy and content at her home. That says a lot about the atmosphere you and your DH are providing. Your DD will find her way. They always do. Don't push her too hard, 15 is a tough age, and you don't want her to distrust you.

 

[MerMom60_94]

All of you are being really, really helpful to me. Thank you. We Love Disney, your daughters experience makes me feel soooo much better. I really hope by the end of the week she will be looking at things differently. I remember when I was homesick I was afraid of what I was missing. Really, other than when we go to see her tomorrow there is nothing going on here but going to work and our usual routine. She is missing nothing!

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I was afraid of what I was missing. Really, other than when we go to see her tomorrow there is nothing going on here but going to work and our usual routine. She is missing nothing!

That is the case. I mentioned to DD that I was going to my mother's house for dinner. She was a little put out then quickly caught herself.

 

[kidzmom3]

I would be sure that everything is okay. Is there an adult you can speak to? I ask because she might be afraid to tell you if someone is treating her badly, intimidating her, being bullied, the work is too difficult or she is being sexually harassed.

My daughter has anxiety so I work with her on coping skills. Her therapist told me that I should always check first to be sure that there isn't a real problem and then turn to the coping skills.

some of the coping skills they teach:
- does she have a familiar or beloved object from home with her?
- Is she keeping busy and involved in activities or is she separating herself from everyone?
- physical exercise helps alleviate anxiety
- help someone else, it makes a friend and helps you fit in
- listen to upbeat music, dance around it you can
- talk to yourself about being positive. Affirmations can really help
- sometimes seeing the parent makes things worse, just be prepared for that

 

[MerMom60_94]

I would be sure that everything is okay. Is there an adult you can speak to? I ask because she might be afraid to tell you if someone is treating her badly, intimidating her, being bullied, the work is too difficult or she is being sexually harassed.

My daughter has anxiety so I work with her on coping skills. Her therapist told me that I should always check first to be sure that there isn't a real problem and then turn to the coping skills.

some of the coping skills they teach:
- does she have a familiar or beloved object from home with her?
- Is she keeping busy and involved in activities or is she separating herself from everyone?
- physical exercise helps alleviate anxiety
- help someone else, it makes a friend and helps you fit in
- listen to upbeat music, dance around it you can
- talk to yourself about being positive. Affirmations can really help
- sometimes seeing the parent makes things worse, just be prepared for that

I did ask her if there was something specific that happened and she said no. I plan on speaking to her friend's mom when I am down there just to give her a heads up on how DD is feeling. I asked DD if she had told her she is homesick and she said she had not told the mom or the friend. She did tell another girl who is with them who also goes to school with them.

As it happens, the fair is being held in the same town my brother lives in and he worked a detail there for the fire department last night. I am thinking I will touch base with him in the morning to ask him how she was doing when she dropped by to see him.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

All good answers for you!

My 13yodd (8th grade) is at a scholar program living in a dorm with a roommate for 3 weeks. 19yodd is in China. Believe it or not both of them have anxiety issues.

Right now encourage and be proud of her. Keep telling her she is going to make it through. Stuff like that.

Avoid saying things like "kitty or doggy /mommy misses you" and "we can't wait to see you". Keep it focused on her doing well and not so much on the homesickness.

When she gets back, look into someone who does anxiety counseling. A counselor can give you great coping strategies. My 13yodd had someone wonderful. You would never know last yr my dd was suffering from some pretty bad depression. With meds and counseling she is a different person.

Generally with anxiety issues you need to be proactive and not reactive. This helps build success which in turn encourages the person to branch out to do other stuff.

 

[golfgal]

When our kids first started going to camp in the summer the camp director said that the 3rd night is the hardest on the kids and if they make it through the 3rd night they usually do just fine after that. I think the best thing you can do for your DD is what you are doing, talk her through it, go visit her, but don't let her come home (unless you find when you get there that things are dangerous or something). She just needs to keep practicing at being away. I would sign her up for some more overnight things, camps or whatever. It will get easier on her.