Holiday gift-giving frustration

[kkwis2]

Just don't participate in the gift exchange. Let everyone know now that you will not be participating this year. Period. No explanations needed. No one can force you to participate. You are an adult. They can either accept it or they can be upset about it but they can't change it. Only you can.

I don't explain my finances to anyone. It isn't their business. And when you offer up explanations, you open the door for arguments.

This is what I was going to say! Let them know that you will not be giving this year (or any longer if you want to just be done with it), no further explanation needed. It is up to them how to proceed from there. Some may still give you gifts, some may not. Thank those who do and move on.

I became fed up with the whole gift-giving madness a few years ago. It has just gotten out of hand. I have a friend who insists on giving a gift to a group of our friends each year. I used to feel that I needed to give her something in exchange, but I don't any longer. I let her know that I wasn't buying gifts for anyone other than immediate family anymore. Every other friend has done the same except her, but that's her choice.

Good luck! I know it's not easy to change "traditions", but if you can't afford it, or just don't want to spend your time or money in that manner any more then, as others have said, you are the only one who can change it.

 

[malibuconlee]

Adding: I don't get a Thank You or anything for any of the gifts I give. We don't open gifts together. We swap presents at a family dinner about a week before Christmas, and then take them home to open on Christmas day. When I give them something edible I tell them so they can open it that day or the next, but all I ever get is, "Oh, ok."

How strange to get together and exchange gifts, but not open them together! Never heard of that before.

Do the kids get to open gifts?

 

[Disney845]

I agree with the other posters who suggest just not participating. No one can force you to give them gifts. You already said you are not close to any of them, so how negatively could their possibly being annoyed by not receiving gifts bother you? I would let them know ahead of time (so they do not go to the trouble or expense of buying you a present if "they" choose not to).

A simple announcement that from this point forward your immediate family will no longer be participating in gift exchanges (no need to elaborate on the reasoning), however you will be happy to see them for your annual holiday gathering (if that is the truth).

The fact that no one actually opens the gifts at the holiday dinner will probably make it all less awkward on you the first time (if you were going to be feeling sad/upset over the situation).

Also, absolutely no offense to the poster who suggested it, nor the one that confirmed the idea...but I would definitely NOT suggest framing an ultrasound picture and giving that as the gift. I love my family members and their children (nieces/nephews, etc) but I would NOT enjoy receiving a framed ultrasound picture from anyone. I would personally find it slightly creepy and would definitely not display it anywhere in my home.

 

[tlbwriter]

Also, absolutely no offense to the poster who suggested it, nor the one that confirmed the idea...but I would definitely NOT suggest framing an ultrasound picture and giving that as the gift. I love my family members and their children (nieces/nephews, etc) but I would NOT enjoy receiving a framed ultrasound picture from anyone. I would personally find it slightly creepy and would definitely not display it anywhere in my home.

I agree, but for different reasons. I don't personally find it creepy, but it's just not a gift.

 

[luvmy3]

It is always hard when the whole family expects the same tradition every year, but at some point you are just going to have to tell them that you will not be participating. You don't need to tell them why but if you wanted to, just be honest that with the new baby coming its not in your budget. If they don't understand that, then shame on them.

 

[JanaD]

You could decide on an amount appropriate for your budget and make a charitable donation. Then give everyone a card letting them know you have donated on their behalf to those less fortunate!

 

[crashbb]

I agree, but for different reasons. I don't personally find it creepy, but it's just not a gift.

My brother and SIL gave us (me, my dad, and my aunt) each a framed photo of the ultrasound as a way of announcing that my SIL was pregnant (she was about 3 months at Christmas - so the timing was right). It wasn't part of our Christmas gift exchange - just an "extra". I loved it.

 

[MinnieGi]

I think it very odd that the family exchanges gifts, but doesn't open them until Christmas day??? My kids would be going crazy!! Not to mention it slights the kids of showing good manners of how to accept gifts with thanks and receive them.

We get together about a week before Christmas too with my side of the family and do a dinner and gift exchange and everyone opens them right then. We do a pollyanna for the adults but everyone gets gifts for the kids. We actually decreased the amount of money per gift that is allowed this year just because of everyone's budget.

OP, I feel for ya. I'm sure you want to still give but with 7 siblings and their families that is just too crazy to give everyone a gift. I like your homemade gift ideas and think it is such a shame you don't ever get to see them opened and receive proper thanks.

 

[tlbwriter]

My brother and SIL gave us (me, my dad, and my aunt) each a framed photo of the ultrasound as a way of announcing that my SIL was pregnant (she was about 3 months at Christmas - so the timing was right). It wasn't part of our Christmas gift exchange - just an "extra". I loved it.

Sure, as an extra from someone close to you, it's great. But it sounds like these people aren't very close - certainly not close enough to consider it a gift.

 

[crashbb]

Sure, as an extra from someone close to you, it's great. But it sounds like these people aren't very close - certainly not close enough to consider it a gift.

Absolutely. I'd think it was weird if it were from anyone (even a family member) with whom I wasn't close. And, I'd think it weird if were to be my actual gift.

 

[KrysiaG]

My family used to be this way. It was BAD. I used to have to buy for:

My 4 kids
Spouse
My mom & Dad
My sister & brother in law
My 2 nephews
My Sister in Law
My Mother & Father in Law

Those are acceptable in my eyes, but then, I would also have to buy for:

2 Grandmas
2 Grandpas
4 Aunts (both sides) - blood relatives
2 Uncles (both sides) - blood relatives
1 Grab bag gift for each of my kids' to toss into for our family party


The list just seemed to go on and on. And it was a LOT of $ to spend. I am not a baker, nor do I have time to be crafty (I work 2 jobs). It was frustrating.

3 years ago, we changed it all. One of my Grandma's got tired of having to buy gifts for her 4 kids, plus their 4 spouses, plus ALL the grandkids. It's ridiculous! So, now we do one HUGE grab bag for the entire family. Every person who WANTS to participate in the grab bag brings a wrapped gift and it goes into a bag with girl or guy gifts (or child gifts). It is SOOOO much easier this way.

Took years to convince everyone to do it, but enough complaints and it was done.

 

[gillenkl]

I would be honest and tell them it's not in your budget to do gifts. You are having a child soon and need to take care of your immediate family. This is exactly what DH and I did when we had children - just be honest and say you can't do it anymore. We send a card with a family photo and that's it.

 

[McKelly]

Adding: I don't get a Thank You or anything for any of the gifts I give. We don't open gifts together. We swap presents at a family dinner about a week before Christmas, and then take them home to open on Christmas day. When I give them something edible I tell them so they can open it that day or the next, but all I ever get is, "Oh, ok."

Well yes, then they are being rude. If you don't open the presents in front of each other, there should be a written Thank-you, or a phone call or an E-mail at the very least, if nothing else but to acknowledge the gift.

Don't feel bad, I love edible gifts. In fact, as I get older, I have enough "stuff" and I tend to really like the edible gifts better.

Has the topic of stopping the exchange been brought up recently? Maybe now that you are having a child, you can say, let's just have the kids exchange. So the families with six kids, have to pick six names and the families with two, only pick two. Since you will only have the one, you will only need to pick one name out of the hat.

Aren't the holidays fun?

 

[KarenAylwood]

My brother and SIL gave us (me, my dad, and my aunt) each a framed photo of the ultrasound as a way of announcing that my SIL was pregnant (she was about 3 months at Christmas - so the timing was right). It wasn't part of our Christmas gift exchange - just an "extra". I loved it.

I think this is a cute way of announcing you're pregnant. I don't, however, consider it a gift. Like the other poster said, no offense, but I'm also against the ultrasound picture. If these people won't appreciate a thoughtful handmade gift (edible or a clock or whatever) then I highly doubt they'd get a charge out of an ultrasound picture.

I agree on trying to stop the gift exchange. It also doesn't sound like these people are thankful for the gifts and it sounds like more of a stress than anything else. Tell them it's just not in the cards this year. Then when you all get together for dinner, bring some baked goods for everyone to share or something.

 

[pigletto]

Just don't participate in the gift exchange. Let everyone know now that you will not be participating this year. Period. No explanations needed. No one can force you to participate. You are an adult. They can either accept it or they can be upset about it but they can't change it. Only you can.

I don't explain my finances to anyone. It isn't their business. And when you offer up explanations, you open the door for arguments.

This this this. The older I get the less this all makes any sense. Buy what you can afford, and for people you are close to. You absolutely can not control their reaction, but that shouldn't be the goal anyway.
Just do what works.

 

[ljcraw555]

I completely agree with PP's - I would bow out of participating.

Or, if you feel like you need to give, you could get each family a card and write in it that a donation has been made in their name to the "Human Fund"! Don't know if you are a Seinfeld fan, but that is what George did one year...made up a fake organization. Gotta love George!

Thought you may need a chuckle because this can be a stressful situation!!

Good luck! And really don't feel a bit bad about not participating!

 

[Eeyore98]

Adding: I don't get a Thank You or anything for any of the gifts I give. We don't open gifts together. We swap presents at a family dinner about a week before Christmas, and then take them home to open on Christmas day. When I give them something edible I tell them so they can open it that day or the next, but all I ever get is, "Oh, ok."

Seriously? I have never heard of family exchanging gifts but not opening them together. Honestly in this case, I would just stop, and tell them you will no longer be giving or expect to receive any gifts. Maybe still buy for the kids...but still, I find even that really weird if they're taking them home to open later??? I would definitely stop buying for the adults though.

 

[Good Morning Dewdrop]

Tell everyone that you can't do gifts this year--you aren't going to give them and you don't expect to get them. You love them just the same, but your budget can't handle anything extra right now. The people who love you will understand. Gifts are voluntary and are given out of love. When I give gifts, I don't expect (or want) to get anything in return. And, frankly, the best gift anyone can give is their love and support.

I completely agree with this poster! When we lived in CT (our family lived in NC) we didn't exchange gifts with the adults (brothers/SILs and even one SIL's mother). When we moved down to NC the adults wanted to add us in (they already exchanged gifts) I politely vetoed that plan and all is well. We give the kids in each family gifts and my parents but no other adults. They don't give us gifts and all is well.

Write a polite note letting them know the "new plan" and then just go with it. Don't let yourself be guilted into exchanging gifts if it doesn't fit into your budget.

 

[RumpleMom]

Baby on the way trumps everyone else in the family.

You do what you need to do to take care of baby, yourself and husband.

 

[albertamommyof4]

as far as having a family gift exchange and not opening them, i dont find anything wrong with it, christmas in christmas morning and my kids have to wait till then to open them, that is the tradition .And yes if you dont want to participate this year let them know or just buy for the kids, but then on that note you can`t expect them to buy you anything in return( i know it is about giving and this should not matter, but it seems to for a lot of people) what ever you decide you got to be okay with it and so does your pocket book. Christmas is about family not how much you spend or recieve.