Her Cheating Heart - Advice Needed!

[UrsulasMyHero]

Unless she's in a polyamorous relationship, and Man A knows about man b and is open to that, then By all means, Drop her like the heel she is.

 

[dreamcometrue]

Personally, I could never be her maid of honor! A maid of honor is supposed to give her blessing to the marriage! How can you truly believe they will be married to each other forever if she acts like that BEFORE her wedding? How can she stay engaged to someone if she is in love with another man? It just shows her morals and character to me. If her fiancee found out, he would feel soooo betrayed. Does guy B know she is engaged?

I would talk to her, and if she isn't willing to change, I would really distance myself from her! But that's just me!

 

[horseshowmom]

I can't tell her anything - she won't hear it. I tried to tell her that I don't want to be a part of it anymore - that I can't sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man. But after telling her that - she doesn't want to be friends anymore. She says I'm judging her - and abandoning her and that I'm just a fairweather friend.
- ExBestFriend

I think I need to be a disenting voice here. Everyone is telling you that you should be dropping her like a brick, that she's a skank, etc. But this may be exactly the time that she DOES need a good friend that is willing to stand by her to help her figure out how to resolve her problem.

Yes, I agree she is being quite selfish and is not being fair to her fiancee, so I'd refuse to help with with wedding, but she may need your help to figure out that this is wrong. I can't tell you the number of times that I've told my DD that fighting with her sister is bad. I assume that one of these times she'll get it.

Isn't the appropriate phrase here "A friend in need is a friend indeed" (Amicu certus in re incerta cernitur). I think your friend has a HUGE need. By your own description she's your 'Best Friend' for 5 years. I think that calls for a little bit of 'trying' to help her on your part.

It sounds to me like the OP has tried to talk to her and that she doesn't want to hear anything that isn't complete and unquestioning support of whatever she wants.

 

[JunieJay]

If it were me, I'd tell her that I'll be her friend and support her through thick and thin but that there is no way I'm helping her plan a wedding under those circumstances. The issue isn't whether you're judging her - she's free to make her own choices about what's right and what's wrong. But so is everyone else. And she's not entitled to force a friend to support something (the wedding) that goes against their own principles.

I'd also tell her I think she needs to get some counseling. The fact that she would even contemplate marriage under these conditions tells me she's got some issues about something...

I'd say that I'm telling her these things because I love her and only want the best for her. And that I wouldn't be a good friend if I wasn't willing to stand up and say what I really think.

Agreed.

 

[daisax]

I'd make one more attempt to make her see the light (as in "I'm sorry, I love you, but this is wrong. I can't be your maid of honor in a situation without any honor, and I hope you can really look at this and re-think going ahead with it, because nothing good will come of it." Then back off -- she'll either dump you or expect you to continue to go along, at which point you say "I'm sorry, like I said, I just can't. I wish you the best in your life, but I won't help you deceive ____."

Whether to tell the fiance or not... that's dicey. I certainly don't think it should be done via anonymous note -- that will add a layer of paranoia to his pain if he really had no idea -- in addition to finding out his been duped, he'll be looking at everybody around him wondering who knew, how many knew, etc. etc. At most I might give him a strongly worded but vague "I had to drop out of the wedding because I can't give it my blessing. It has nothing to do with you, but I don't think she's ready to be married." She can deal with the fallout. If he presses you, tell him he needs to talk to her about it.

I was maid of honor for a friend -- we were having a wonderful time planning everything. She called the wedding off a couple of months before the date, and admitted that he had been smacking her around for most of the time they'd been together. She hadn't told anybody (we knew they broke up a couple of times, but no details -- even then she was covering up for him). Her friends rallied around her, but we also told her in no uncertain terms that we would NOT have any role in any future marriage to him, so if this was another temporary split, and she was considering going back to an abuser, she'd have to know all her close friends would NOT just overlook it.

She didn't go back, and maybe telling us about it was her way of burning that bridge, but she did find a good guy and marry him and they've been happy.

 

[kennancat]

I say call her up or go see her and tell her you're okay with the cheating because you've found out that her FH is doing the same to her and it seems only fair. When she gets upset with him, then tell her you lied and wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine and see how she would feel if she were in FH's shoes

 

[oxfordcircus]

polyamorous relationship

I just love the POLY!

 

[oxfordcircus]

I say call her up or go see her and tell her you're okay with the cheating because you've found out that her FH is doing the same to her and it seems only fair. When she gets upset with him, then tell her you lied and wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine and see how she would feel if she were in FH's shoes

I'm thinking she wouldn't care too much. As Jerry Seinfield might say: "She's INTO IT."

 

[mytwotinks]

I think I need to be a disenting voice here. Everyone is telling you that you should be dropping her like a brick, that she's a skank, etc. But this may be exactly the time that she DOES need a good friend that is willing to stand by her to help her figure out how to resolve her problem.

Yes, I agree she is being quite selfish and is not being fair to her fiancee, so I'd refuse to help with with wedding, but she may need your help to figure out that this is wrong. I can't tell you the number of times that I've told my DD that fighting with her sister is bad. I assume that one of these times she'll get it.

Isn't the appropriate phrase here "A friend in need is a friend indeed" (Amicu certus in re incerta cernitur). I think your friend has a HUGE need. By your own description she's your 'Best Friend' for 5 years. I think that calls for a little bit of 'trying' to help her on your part.

I totally agree with you. A friend in need.......... Yeah, but what she needs is to be told what a loser she is being. Of course her friend should tell her this in a kind nice way, and pray that her friend will hear her and want to do the right thing. It sounds as if the friend is totally aware of how disgusting this is, so the chances that her friend can snap her out of it seem pretty slim.

We need to be careful about those friends that we keep closest to us. When I was a teenager one of my friends moms used to tell us........" Be careful when you choose your friends. It is much easier to sink to their level than to pull them up to yours."

I have seen marriages ruined when one partner starts hanging around a friend who is unhappy in their own marriage. For some reason it is human nature to take on the problems of those around us and before we know it we are thinking that our husband is a no good so and so too. Better to keep some space from those who are being purposely destructive in their lives. When her friend turns her life around, she can welcome her back into her life with a big hug and an "I missed you so much."

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think I need to be a disenting voice here. Everyone is telling you that you should be dropping her like a brick, that she's a skank, etc. But this may be exactly the time that she DOES need a good friend that is willing to stand by her to help her figure out how to resolve her problem.

Yes, I agree she is being quite selfish and is not being fair to her fiancee, so I'd refuse to help with with wedding, but she may need your help to figure out that this is wrong. I can't tell you the number of times that I've told my DD that fighting with her sister is bad. I assume that one of these times she'll get it.

Isn't the appropriate phrase here "A friend in need is a friend indeed" (Amicu certus in re incerta cernitur). I think your friend has a HUGE need. By your own description she's your 'Best Friend' for 5 years. I think that calls for a little bit of 'trying' to help her on your part.

I respectfully disagree. The OP's "best friend" is lying, cheating and knows she's "wrong" but "can't help it". She's an adult. Then she plays the victim when the OP does try to help her. She told the OP not to judge her. She appears skilled in manipulation and deception.

The bf actions are dragging the OP down. When the groom-to-be finds out he'll lose a bride (not much of a loss there) and a friend in the OP. Imagine how the OP feels about herself when she's in the presence of the groom-to-be, because she's part of the mess like it or not. She knows.

I do agree that the bf is a friend in need. But IMO, the bf should be a friend to herself and her groom-to-be. It doesn't take a lot to figure out how to straighten it all out. The bf needs to stop the running around and be truthful. But she doesn't want to do that! How can you help someone that doesn't want to be helped?

 

[Disney Doll]

I think I need to be a disenting voice here. Everyone is telling you that you should be dropping her like a brick, that she's a skank, etc. But this may be exactly the time that she DOES need a good friend that is willing to stand by her to help her figure out how to resolve her problem.

Yes, I agree she is being quite selfish and is not being fair to her fiancee, so I'd refuse to help with with wedding, but she may need your help to figure out that this is wrong. I can't tell you the number of times that I've told my DD that fighting with her sister is bad. I assume that one of these times she'll get it.

Isn't the appropriate phrase here "A friend in need is a friend indeed" (Amicu certus in re incerta cernitur). I think your friend has a HUGE need. By your own description she's your 'Best Friend' for 5 years. I think that calls for a little bit of 'trying' to help her on your part.

This best friend is a woman old enough to get married. I would be very surprised if she did not know that cheating was wrong.

The OP has conveyed her concerns & has been met with "If you don't support me you're not my friend".

I think that pretty much says it all.

Meaniwhile, OP, I notice in your latest post that your "ex-best friend" was letting you borrow books that you now bought online. Does this mean there was some sort of discussion/confrontation? How did that go?

 

[Piglet843]

There hasn't been any other conversation since the one originally posted.
It was a very rude e-mail from her telling me if I didn't support her then we just can't be friends. I really don't know what else to say or do.

But I did still have some of her books - so I dropped them in her mailbox on my way home yesterday.... She wasn't there so I didn't get to talk to her.

And I have went on e-bay and bought the books myself - so I would have them.
If I do hear from her (I don't think I'll try to contact her - what's the point now?) I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for understanding.

My big decision now is do I try to find a way to tell the fiance? Or do I just stay out of it and let her lie in the bed she has made?

 

[kdibattista]

I would send him a note... you can do it anonymously if you don't want him to know where it came from. He deserves to know.

Sorry you lost your friend... I know that hurts

 

[ilovejack02]

There hasn't been any other conversation since the one originally posted.
It was a very rude e-mail from her telling me if I didn't support her then we just can't be friends. I really don't know what else to say or do.

But I did still have some of her books - so I dropped them in her mailbox on my way home yesterday.... She wasn't there so I didn't get to talk to her.

And I have went on e-bay and bought the books myself - so I would have them.
If I do hear from her (I don't think I'll try to contact her - what's the point now?) I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for understanding.

My big decision now is do I try to find a way to tell the fiance? Or do I just stay out of it and let her lie in the bed she has made?

OH MY please find a way to tell him, just send a note. What if they have kids? Most likely they will end up with divorced parents and possibly it could be a really ugly divorce, the woman has no respect for the DF and or your friendship now imagine what kind of crazy ex wife she could be and how horrible she could make things for the innocent husband and children.

 

[dcentity2000]

Forget her. Cheats are the lowest.

Tell the poor guy - he has a right to know.



Rich::

 

[Laura]

I would tell the guy. He deserves to know what his fiancee is.

 

[dcentity2000]

I would tell the guy. He deserves to know what his fiancee is.

I couldn't live without warning him, it would be so unfair. JMHO.



Rich::

 

[FSUGrad97]

Personally, I would tell the fiance. It wouldn't matter if she got mad or found out I told him since I would cease to have anything to do with the skank.

 

[KristinBelle]

I'd let him know.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'd have to tell him too. I would want to know if I were in his shoes. It would kill me if any of my friends knew before I made a commitment and didn't tell me. It would be a double blow. To me, it's just the right thing to do.

I'd do it in person. Not saying anyone else should. IMO he needs to know from someone that is credible and that it's a real problem to be dealt with. The anonymous thing might work for some, but I image some people would blow it off as a crank.