Help with my 11-year old DD!

[IDoDis]

My DD 12 is FINALLY starting to turn the corner with taking care of her hygiene issues. Up until recently I was forever nagging her to brush her hair, take a shower, etc... Just a few weeks ago, I started hearing the shower water turn on in her bathroom EVERY night without me saying a word. She also asked for some makeup and her own tweezers before school started. She wears the makeup very lightly. She loves picking out her own shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, and toothpaste (she got a tube of cinnamon flavor today).

A couple of weeks ago I was going through her backpack and found an assignment she had done. It was a three part survey that she had to ask her classmates. The first question was,

"How many nights a week do you take a shower?"

Well, if she had answered that question honestly, it would have been 2 to 3 times a week, but since her classmates all said 6 or 7, she also put "7" next to her own name. I had to LOL, but now she really is showering every night. Maybe that survey was a wake up call for her!

It will come. Keep reminding her though, but it will come. She'll do it without you telling her and probably won't do it if she is being told (it's the mentality of that age).

 

[kkmcan]

This sounds totally like my dd. She could care less about her hair. It gets really oily after one day and she throws a fit over having to take a shower. Also doing her hair in the morning consists off running a brush over the entire outside layer of hair and leaving. No pony tails, no barrettes or hairbands or anything cute. It looks like she didn't even brush it!

She is pretty good about wearing a bra and she doesn't wear deodorant yet because I have yet to smell anything on her. So I figure we'll wait until I think she needs it.

She honestly can't match her outfits up so I usually have to send her back upstairs to change. She gets so mad when I do that.

Hopefully soon things will change and she'll start to care about the way she looks.

 

[monsterkitty]

I have a few classrooms full of 11 year olds. Please, let me tell you you are not alone! I have 6th graders the last two hours of the day and my room can smell very, umm, interesting when that bell rings at 4:15.

I have been known to make PSA about washing your hoodies before they walk away, remember to bring deodorant for your PE locker, use soap when you wash your feet, etc. Many parents have thanked me for my PS announcements.

 

[bellebud]

my kids and my dh do all these things everyone is posting - so I really don't have great advice, but wanted to share one thing.

i threaten to put yucky things on their pillows if they leave them laying around in inappropriate places, so you could at least try that w/ her dirty tissues. i bet she'll remember to throw them away if she knows they'll end up on her pillow (or maybe she won't care??).

good luck!

 

[SunKat]

My dd is twelve and has to be reminded - at least ten times - each morning to brush her teeth, put on deodorant, put her rubber bands in (braces), and wash her face. She'll spend 45 minutes straightening her hair each morning, so it looks perfect. When her hair is perfect, she'll then spend all of twenty seconds brushing her teeth and putting on deodorant - like it's torture - and only after I've reminded her again for the umpteenth time.

 

[roseprincess]

My DD is 11 as well. She is special needs, but she does the same thing like all your daughters. I have to nag her to brush her teeth, flush toilet, and wash her hands, at home. I thought I was the only mom that had to deal with all this. It's good to know I'm not the only parent here that has to deal with this stuff. In the mornings getting ready for school, DD does alot of screaming when DH and I push her along to get her dressed and going for school.
She will slam doors as well. Seems like DD listens at school and is fine doing the hygiene stuff at school. At home is a much different story.


Thank God for little girls
(I think that is a song from a musical?)

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Hmmm, sounds just like my two 11 year olds - a boy and a girl.

She also leaves used tissues laying around all over the house. She has terrible allergies, and blows her nose a lot, but she should be able to throw the tissues into the garbage!!!

Ditto. And I've been sick for the past week and a half because of it!

But I hear good reports about them outside the house so I try to remember not sweat the small stuff too much. Something must be sinking in somewhere.

 

[SunKat]

OP, I was having the same issues with dd11! Here is how I solved them (so far, anyway, it's only been 2 months, but working):

First, brought home a pack of Depends. Told her next toilet I found unflushed, I would assume she was not mature enough to use adult toilet facilities. Depends would go on and she would have to wear them all the time, including to school. Further, as she would have proven herself unable to handle these issues, I would be the one deciding when to change them.

She had no doubt in her mind that I meant what I said, as I rarely make threats and have always followed through (see: Barbie out the car window when not properly shared 5 year ago). That was the end of all toilet issues.

Secondly, I typed up a basic list of standards (ie: teeth brushed before coming downstairs, dirty clothes in hamper, not on floor) and posted that on her bathroom mirror. I told her I was done talking about this stuff, forever. If she had any questions she could consult the list. If she missed an item on the list, she obviously needed to spend more time in the bathroom reading it - and therefore not doing anything she actually wanted to be doing. Kind of a big kid time out.

It took several days of saying "you are not in compliance with the standards - take half an hour to review them," for her to figure out it was just easier to obey. But by golly, those are the only words I used. I repeated them like a robot. I didn't nag or shout or anything else, and now we can laugh about it.

Oh, and when her friends call, feel free to explain, loudly, Susie can't come to the phone right now. She is learning about the importance of using deodorant. Cruel, but highly effective.

But the list remains, just in case.

Good luck!

Love it!!!

 

[Kimickey]

I find so much comfort in this thread...i think we should keep it alive. DD10 in my words in trifling (sp). She wont brush her teeth, wash her face, use soap when taking a shower, no deodarant, wont comb her hair. I could go on.

I just spent the past hour and a half in her room. I'm speechless as to how she lives in there.

I thought I was the only parent going thru this, however I see that I'm not and feel a sigh of relief that this is normal behavior.

My daughter LOVES new things and loves to shop as do most females and some males (most of my male friends do and no they are not gay). Anywho - I took DD to Limited Too last night to purchase sweats for Saturday school. While in there I purchase a necklace and earrings too for her...she loved them. After walking into her room today finding all sorts of treasure . I took the necklace and earrings away and told her she can earn them back. Then the water works ensued. I just walked out of the room.


I'm also a parent that believes in polite embarrassment. Kids at her age hate their nasty business being told. She has a friend sleeping over tonight and as I was finding treasures, I politely as DD's friend do you do this and do you do that etc etc while pulling nasty crap out of her closet as proof. DD was mortified.

 

[Kimickey]

OP, I was having the same issues with dd11! Here is how I solved them (so far, anyway, it's only been 2 months, but working):

First, brought home a pack of Depends. Told her next toilet I found unflushed, I would assume she was not mature enough to use adult toilet facilities. Depends would go on and she would have to wear them all the time, including to school. Further, as she would have proven herself unable to handle these issues, I would be the one deciding when to change them.

She had no doubt in her mind that I meant what I said, as I rarely make threats and have always followed through (see: Barbie out the car window when not properly shared 5 year ago). That was the end of all toilet issues.

Secondly, I typed up a basic list of standards (ie: teeth brushed before coming downstairs, dirty clothes in hamper, not on floor) and posted that on her bathroom mirror. I told her I was done talking about this stuff, forever. If she had any questions she could consult the list. If she missed an item on the list, she obviously needed to spend more time in the bathroom reading it - and therefore not doing anything she actually wanted to be doing. Kind of a big kid time out.

It took several days of saying "you are not in compliance with the standards - take half an hour to review them," for her to figure out it was just easier to obey. But by golly, those are the only words I used. I repeated them like a robot. I didn't nag or shout or anything else, and now we can laugh about it.

Oh, and when her friends call, feel free to explain, loudly, Susie can't come to the phone right now. She is learning about the importance of using deodorant. Cruel, but highly effective.

But the list remains, just in case.

Good luck!

I wanted to add, as we speak I'm typing a reminder list too for her bathroom mirror. So I'm glad to see that it does have an affect. I too refuse to repeat myself. Just had the broken record speech today after Saturday school.

We need a support group.

 

[It's A Happy Day]

I am now taking orders to ship my DD6 & DS7 in 4 years...Serious takers please PM me

j/k

I have already arranged to ship them to my in-laws a mile down the road from 11-21 and then they can come back home I already fight with DS about taking a shower and brushing the hair is a nightmare with DD....I see good times in my future

 

[robinb]

I see good times in my future

Oh my goodness! I'm right there with you and my DD is 9. I keep on thinking "deodorant and bras for a 10 year old?!!?" I am just not ready.

Another advantage of having a DD on swim team: she gets wet 3-4 times a week whether she needs it or not.

 

[disykat]

Oh, and when her friends call, feel free to explain, loudly, Susie can't come to the phone right now. She is learning about the importance of using deodorant. Cruel, but highly effective.

My boys are both past that stage, but I'm STILL tempted to use this line! I would have such obedient kids if they were terrified of what I might say to all those girls who keep calling!

 

[Amlee]

It was not meant as harsh at all. I have just been there, done that, and once I quit nagging, it all came together. It's amazing how quickly it will change.

Since when is a harsh?

OP here, and I don't think it was meant to be harsh. There was a little "good vibes" smiley next to it.

And I totally agree as well.

Not harsh sounding, but a harsh way for her to learn a lession. Having such things pointed out by classmates can be a cruel and harsh lession for her to learn.

 

[clh2]

Quit nagging her. Let the consequence be hers. Allow to her to own her behavior. Nagging only frustrates you and helps her tune out.

I agree - especially with the hygeine stuff. HER FRIENDS WILL TAKE CARE OF THE NAGGING FOR YOU !

 

[Kath2003]

I think I used to teach your daughter! I once had a lovely girl who was VERY bright, but managed to forget the obvious like: coming to school with her pyjama top on (REALLY!), leaving her gym kit everywhere - she lost it 4 times in 4 weeks, just getting up and leaving class when the bell went leaving EVERYTHING on the desk, forgetting a coat in freezing weather, turning up to class at the wrong time, bringing the wrong book (I eventually covered her book in 'special' - read hideous - gift wrap just because she kept bringing her other yellow exercise book to my subject because another subject was also using yellow exercise books!) etc.