HELP! What would you do? kinda long

[jfulcer]

Ok, not to be trite or anything, but

<b>Honesty is the best policy.</b>

Your friend most likely knows her kids run around a lot (hence her talking about not having 'nose bleeds'). Simply tell her what you told us, that the kids are only welcome if they behave and will be asked to leave if they don't respect the rules of your house. I would rather my friends be open and honest with me than feeling the need to tiptoe around me for fear of hurting my feelings. If your frankness is enough to drive a wedge between you two then they might not really have been that good of friends anyway.

You might suggest they bring along a video game or something to entertain those kids so they don't think about running around.

 

[luvmy2sams]

If the only problem is her wild kids, I'd invite her to the party but make it clear that kids are not included with the invitation. I wouldn't want them trashing my house, and it seems like that's bound to happen, regardless of any promises made by the mother. You'll spend the entire game guarding your house (and sanity ) instead of watching your team. As for defending the presence of your kids and the baby...they don't count. Your kids are in their home, and the baby needs his/her mom at mealtime. Simple as that.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[Pat]

I would be tempted to tell her that kids are not invited to this party, but I have a feeling she would bring her kids anyway and use some excuse.

I think I would say that we were going to have a quiet day this year and hope she takes it to mean that you are not having company. So the plans change a day or so before the party, let's hope she doesn't find out.

 

[sunni]

I feel for you! My DH's nephews are like those children you described and they are capable of ruining any function (and they don't behave any better as they age, they just get more foul mouthed).

I wouldn't outright lie, but that doesn't mean being brutally honest either.

I like the adults only idea, your children and a baby don't count.

Better yet, simply don't invite her. If she asks later about the party you can say that it was a smaller gathering this year (which is entirely truthful, it's smaller by her family not being there!) or you can say that you did things a little different this year and you didn't think it would have been of interest to her children (again truthful, they would rather raise hell than sit and watch tv for 5 hrs, and it was different by them not being there).

If she still seems hurt that she wasn't invited, DON'T suggest "maybe next year", but say "Oh, I'd much rather go have coffee with you and have some quiet time together where we can catch up without all the distractions! How's next week?" She'll know you enjoy her company and you haven't obligated yourself to this dilemna next year. After a few years she might get the hint, LOL!

Good luck!

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>I like sunni's suggestion.

I'm pretty outspoken when it comes to my house, especially having learned some lessons over the years.

One friend of mine brought her two children, and they were climbing over my couches - they were 5 & 6 at the time. I plucked them off and told them 'no standing on the couches' - she told me she didn't like to make her children cry & that's why she didn't have them sit down, or get off the couches. I told her it didn't bother me a bit. .... they didn't cry, but they didn't climb on my couches anymore, either.

 

[KristiKelly]

Wow! Thanks for all your suggestions, I knew I could depend on DIS to help out. I think I may have somewhat of an "out", last night as I was going through my DS back pack, there was a letter - Uh Oh, I thought. As I read the letter, I found out that the school wants to test for AIG classes, testing will be Feb. 2, the day after Super Bowl, so I've thought about telling her that DS has to go to bed by 8:00, and if other *kids* are here, he would be very wound up and would be difficult to get to bed. What do y'all think of that? This is not really a lie, but I'm not having to come right out and telling her that her kids are terrors! I'm also not telling her that I'm having a party or not, she can take how ever she wants to.

 

[tkd lisa]

Let me give you a different perspective. I am the mother of two sometimes wild kids. Both have ADHD, and their medicine sometimes wears off by evening. I don't want to overmedicate, so there are times when we deal with the wildness. Of course, sometimes they get sent to their rooms as well, but that's another subject!

However, when we are in someone else's house, I set the rules down clearly for my kids. They have the three strikes rule. I will come to wherever the kids are playing to settle them down twice. The third time, we leave. No exceptions. If they are behaving very badly (hurting someone, potential to damage things, etc.) we leave immediately, no second chances. This approach has meant that there are time's I've left meetings/parties in the middle. Being a parent sometimes means tough choices. If this parent doesn't understand this yet, then they need to learn it!

If it's important for me to be at an event for the entire time, I get a babysitter. So I think you should be clear with your friend. If she brings her kids, she has to be willing to leave if they can't behave. Since she doesn't seem to understand what behaving is, I'd say that you are the one to say what's the limit. I wouldn't lie about it. Sounds like she truly doesn't understand what are reasonable limits.

 

[KristiKelly]

I wish my friend would do what you do, she honestly believes that this is just "boys being boys", she says "all boys are like that". She thinks because I have a boy, I know what it's like. She doesn't like to punish them, because she works all day and doesn't want their only time together to focus on dicsipline and punishment. She doesn't realize that she's doing them NO favors, because nobody wants them in their house. The last Super Bowl party, when her son got a bloody nose, yes it was an accident - fine, but when the nose continued to bleed for 1-1/2 hours, she should have taken him home. She won't leave and she won't call them down. I guess on the bright side, she's a good role model of how NOT to raise a child.

 

[DisneyObsessed]

I think the testing sounds like a perfect excuse. And it really isn't an excuse at all. I would want my kids in bed and quiet if they were having testing the next. I say, go for it!

 

[vald1977]

I think that your son having important school stuff the next day is a perfect way to handle the situation. You don't have to lie and you don't have to hurt your friend's feelings. GO PANTHERS!

 

[DemonLlama]

I think that letter from school is a blessing. You will need to get ds to bed at a reasonable hour, and the game always runs long. Having other kids over (around his age) just can't work. If she presses for an invitation before Feb. 1, you can honestly tell her this is why you need to limit the guests.

But at some point, you need to be a real friend and explain that your son does not behave the ways her sons do, and that you cannot handle the stress of their behavior in your home. Do this with as much love and concern as you can, but be firm. This is the hardest part of friendship. If she rejects your feelings, you will have to do some soul searching about whether to continue your relationship right now, but you can have a clear conscience all the same.

 

[disykat]

Since I made the first nosebleed comment, I want to clarify my position. I didn't comment because I thought the nosebleed was no big deal - I actually think it is a big deal and that the mother should have cleaned it all up or offered to pay for carpet cleaning.
I commented because the mother mentioned that he wouldn't have another nosebleed. I think she thought that may have been a pain for you, but didn't understand that ,nosebleed or not, their BEHAVIOR was the problem. She needs to know that a successfull day means more than just no nosebleeds.

I still maintain that you don't need to say anything. If she pushes you beyond where a vague "we're keeping it quiet this year" then she deserves whatever answer she gets - tactful or not.

Am I the only one who thinks she was incredibly rude to ask? I have a circle of friends and we are not always all invited to everything. There are certainly times I'm sort of aware that other friends are getting together and I'm not included (and I'm sure times I'm not aware as well). There are also times I have gatherings at our house that don't include everyone. It often has to do with the type of occasion, size of party, age of kids, etc. No one ever says anything. It's just a fact of life.

 

[mamajoan]

ADHD DOES NOT EQUAL WILD CHILD!


small vent to follow.... Please take this into consideration. I have a correctly diagnosed child with ADHD. There is no way that I would have ever tolerated such outrageous behavior from ANY of my kids...let alone one who is severely ADHD.
ADHD does not make children behave badly. It does affect their decision making process, their kinetic motor skills, their emotional status and their attention ability. Behavior modification... rules...
and meds.. (as needed) can help a child with ADHD to be able to behave within the normal guidelines established by ADULTS. ADHD kids have gotten a bad rap. Yes they can be difficult at times. Yes it takes a whole lot of prayer and patience.. but it also takes firm, consistent discipline to get thru the hard stuff.
thank you .. hobbling off the soap box now..

That being said...... Your friend seems to have poor parenting skills. I feel that if she has the cajones to request an invitation then she has the backbone to hear the truth.

Yes we are having a Superbowl party that we would like to have you attend. However there will be no other children besides our own at the party. We are looking forward to enjoying this event with our friends.
My boys will be boys... will surely come up...
Your answer.... You are surely welcome to come ....but please get a sitter for your children. Yes, I know you think it is a case of boys being boys however we won't be able to enjoy the game if your boys are running, screaming and full of shenanigans. Maybe next year they will have grown out of this phase with your help.

sorry this is so long. I hope you have a great party.

 

[Pembo]

I think you were handed a gift when you got that letter from the backpack!! It was a sign!

I would definitely tell her, if she asks again, that she can't bring her boys because yours needs to go to bed.

 

[DISshopkeeper]

Oh, man...Deja Vu for me here. Our circle of "lifetime friends" includes 4 couples and all our kids. About 5 years ago, another couple and their 3 boys became part of the group. We camp together and get together at least once a month. We have always had an unspoken agreement that all the kids were fair game to be corrected by any of us. Not that it happened often. Well, the "newbies" made it clear that we were NOT to correct THEIR HELLIONS. I can't tell you how many times I saw one/both of the parents look the other way to avoid disciplining these kids. I can't tell you how often she said "Boys!" As in that is some sort of an EXCUSE??!!?? I could go on and on here..... We were all regretting ever including them. Fast forward to DD's birthday. She chose a sleepover with ALL the kids. So since we were hosting all the kids, with no parental involvement I thought long and hard over the words and e-mailed her this:

Please tell your boys that if they fight or misbehave I will drive them home.

I felt within my rights to dictate behaviour in MY house.

I heard thru the grapevine that she was ANGRY (kid's IMing...My mom is MAD at your mom). I get a terse e-mail stating that NONE of her "boys" would be attending the party and a request that I take her out of my e-mail address book.

She did try to make contact with the other couples. They ignored her. I saw her at a funeral and she completely ignored me.

So FWIW if you value this friendship, I'd tread carefully.

 

[MICKEY88]

I vote for total honesty, as an adult you are in charge of yoru house....If you'd like her company ..then invite her, but tell her nicely that you do not allow such wild behaviour in your house,,then she can decide whether to bring her children or not, if she does and they get wild,,nicely tell the children that you do not allow such behaviour in your house...you'd be amazed how quickly children learn who they can't push around...I've had to do this with several children..it's worked every time, the kids are intimidated by an adult that sticks to their guns....plus the parents will be embarrassed enough to take control of their kids.......

if you have to lie to her ..it's not much of a friendship anyway..

if you use your son as an excuse, then you are indirectly saying that you don't have control over your son,,,so why should she control hers...

 

[Desnik]

Is this person not your friend??? You should be able to be honest with your friends.

My sister has 3 kids. They are all out of control!!!
My sister is on top of them, most of the time.
Maybe it's because it's my sister, but I have no problem telling her, "hey your kids are out of control, do something!!" When we are at my house the kids know "I don't play that". It is my house and you follow my rules. There will be no wrestling or playing with the hands. No eating or drinking anywhere other than the kitchen table. No running through the house like animals. There are plenty of toys here, playstation, DVDs, books, etc. They can play and keep busy without being rude and destructive.

I would not lie to her. Frankly I would've said something to her at the party where they were out of control. I can't imagine not saying anything to her that day?
She must be a good friend, or really comfortable with you to practically invite herself to your house for the game.

For what it's worth, here's what I would say:
We would love to have you over for the game. We want to have a fun day and I cannot tollerate the kids being out of control. Last time it really bothered me how they acted and I know kids are kids but it doesn't have to get as crazy as last year. If you bring them mabe they can bring their favorite toy from home to keep them busy? I am giving all the kids rules to follow and if they don't they will have to have consequences and be seperated from the other kids until they are ready to behave.

When a friend of DD's comes to play the rules are clear and if they aren't followed they have to leave. I usually give 3 chances. DD is included in that too! She can't leave but she has a time out. We really have never had a problem.

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by disykat
Am I the only one who thinks she was incredibly rude to ask? I have a circle of friends and we are not always all invited to everything. There are certainly times I'm sort of aware that other friends are getting together and I'm not included (and I'm sure times I'm not aware as well). There are also times I have gatherings at our house that don't include everyone. It often has to do with the type of occasion, size of party, age of kids, etc. No one ever says anything. It's just a fact of life.

Don't worry, you're not the only one that thinks it was rude that she asked about the party. I don't know why I didn't mention that in my 1st post. However, given the way she allows her children to behave and on top of it not making amends for any damage they cause it's not surprising. We have several friends that throw annual parties for different things. We've been going for years but I never presume that we will be invited year to year. That would be just rude. I just quietly keep the date open and wait to see if we're included.

BTW, I agree the letter was a gift.

 

[KristiKelly]

I'll be totally honest with you guys- I'm a wuss when it comes to telling people exactly what I think, I'm just afraid of hurt feelings and I'll probably use "the letter" this time (that'll buy me time til the next time). We have tried to drop subtle hints, since she's divorced, we only invite them (she & new husband) over at times we know the Dad will have kids, Super Bowl being on a Sunday though - Dad brings them back @ 4:00 - Just in time.

I have to agree with mamajoan, They have tested both children for ADHD and the Dr. said that they should be on med's, but she won't put them on them. She also uses that as an excuse for their behavior. I feel that having a child with ADHD doesn't get the parent out of their parental duties of discipling a child.

And, yes, I agree that it was rude & presumptious to invite herself.

Sorry, I feel like I'm just rambling on.

 

[CajunDixie]

We have always had an unspoken agreement that all the kids were fair game to be corrected by any of us.

My house,my rules. I would never have let them be out of control as long as they were last year. Whenever kids are here with or without parents I ask them to behave. I've only once had a child at a scout event that we asked to put down a burning stick and had the parent get mad. The kid had no problem with it and dropped the stick but the dad was rude and wanted a fight but we just ignored him. And refused his adult application a week later.

You need to be honest with her and not drag this out or she'll just drop in sometime with her kids and they'll trash your place again since they got away with it last time.