Help! Wedding Gift-Giving Etiquette

[Jool-e]

Ok, I am 23 years old. One my good friends is getting married in late spring. I am a bridesmaid. I haven't been to a wedding since I was a young kid and I have no idea what the rules about gift-giving are and neither do my other friends

She lives in Ohio and me and the other bridesmaids live in Connecticut, so unfortunately we will only be able to attend the rehearsal and wedding, not the shower. Her wedding shower is next week and we got invitations saying where she is registered.

So my questions are: What is the difference between a wedding gift and a wedding shower gift? My mother tells me the shower gift should be like an appliance and the wedding gift should just be cash. Is this correct? And if I mail her something from her registry for the shower, when should it arrive? Does it need to be there the day of the shower or just any time before the wedding?

Thanks!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your mom is right. As far as mailing her a gift for the shower, I would think trying to get it there ASAP is probably best. Esp since you are not able to attend the shower.

I would think you could have it shipped directly to her house and you don't have to do anything, maybe?

 

[VAfamily1998]

So my questions are: What is the difference between a wedding gift and a wedding shower gift? My mother tells me the shower gift should be like an appliance and the wedding gift should just be cash. Is this correct?

This really varies by location/culture/individual families. Personally, I like to give more "practical everyday" stuff for a shower--towels, every day dishes, pots and pans, etc. For the actual wedding gift, I like to give something from their formal china, crystal, silver, etc.

Apparently in some circles, it's expected that your cash wedding gift should be "enough to cover your plate"--meaning if the wedding reception is costing the bride and groom $100/person, you should give at least $100...or if you are bringing a spouse/guest, at least $200. I don't know how a guest would go about finding out that info. though

I think for the shower gift, if possible see if it can be shipped to the house of whomever is hosting the shower (call the host ahead of time) or the bride's mother, if she's local and will be attending the shower. I think it would be wierd and ackward for the bride to bring some of the "shipped ahead" gifts to her own shower.

 

[krisa77]

The best shower gift is something from her registry. I would send it directly to her shipping address listed on the site or arrange to have it sent to the shower hostess immediately prior to the event (if you know the hostess and they would be willing). I would make sure that it arrives prior to the event and noted as a shower gift.

As for the wedding gift...I disagree with your mother that it should be cash. I usually do send cash but if they still have registry items that is fine too. I would not do anything besides those two options though.

Present etiquette has changed a lot over the years and since you care enough to ask I'm sure any choice you make will be lovely.

P.S. I'm in CT too

 

[Jool-e]

P.S. I'm in CT too

Cool! So your car was covered in a shell of ice today too?

 

[Jool-e]

I'm thinking about 100 dollars will be for the wedding, she doesn't have much super formal stuff on her registry.

As for shipping it to the hostess of the shower, I don't know her or have any access to her contact info. So I don't know about that. I could possibly ship it to her mom though. But couldn't I just ship it to her and she could open it at home instead of at the party? Or is that no good?

 

[VAfamily1998]

I'm thinking about 100 dollars will be for the wedding, she doesn't have much super formal stuff on her registry.

As for shipping it to the hostess of the shower, I don't know her or have any access to her contact info. So I don't know about that. I could possibly ship it to her mom though. But couldn't I just ship it to her and she could open it at home instead of at the party? Or is that no good?

Well, the whole point of the shower is for her to open the gifts in front of everyone there

How do you not have the contact info of the hostess? How did you RSVP? She must have put her phone number or email address or something on the invitation...

 

[mjkacmom]

OP, I'd just send her something off of the registry to her house. I'm sure no one is going to be bummed if they miss seeing your gift of a handmixer - feigning glee over household items is not my favorite part of showers (although at least some of the baby shower gifts are cute).

 

[Jool-e]

Well, the whole point of the shower is for her to open the gifts in front of everyone there

How do you not have the contact info of the hostess? How did you RSVP? She must have put her phone number or email address or something on the invitation...

I lost the invitation. I'm such a responsible adult I could get it from one of my friend's invitations though...so that problem's solved!

 

[clh2]

If you buy a gift off her registry - the store usually has a ship-to address on file. They may not give it to you personally - but they usually offer the option to ship the gift!

 

[mtemm]

it depends on where you are. my mom is from the midwest and customarily does something for everyday (everyday dishes, appliances, towels, etc) for the shower, and something more formal (china/crystal) for the wedding gift. where I live in MA it is more customary to give stuff from the registry, regardless of formality, for the shower, and cash for the wedding. definitely have the shower gift there for the shower if at all possible! you could always do a gift card to where she is registered, too, if you would rather, or go in with the other bridesmaids for one large gift if you think she might like that.

 

[RachelEllen]

Do people really send gifts to the shower if you cannot attend? I've only been invited to local showers, but I never would have expected a gift for a shower from someone who couldn't attend.

 

[luvmy3]

Do people really send gifts to the shower if you cannot attend? I've only been invited to local showers, but I never would have expected a gift for a shower from someone who couldn't attend.

I do if its a close friend or relative and I can't make it.

OP, you can always just ship the item to the BTB, she doesn't need to open it in front of others.

 

[clh2]

Do people really send gifts to the shower if you cannot attend? I've only been invited to local showers, but I never would have expected a gift for a shower from someone who couldn't attend.

Depends on who the bride is - vs. the reason for not attending.

I.e. I was simply not able to attend my nephew's fiance's shower. I knew the date chosen was going to either compete with a state tournament my DD was in (if her team qualified, and they did) OR my cousin's wedding (which we could not attend due to the state torunament.) If DD's team did not make the state toruney, my cousin's wedding would have trumped the nephew's fiance's shower anyway. KWIM?

I absolutely picked out a gift for the shower, I felt bad I couldn't come - it was just a busy day.

FWIW - the tourney was in central wisconsin, the shower in NW suburb of Chicago, and the wedding was in Rochester. so - no option to make stop by any of the other events.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do people really send gifts to the shower if you cannot attend? I've only been invited to local showers, but I never would have expected a gift for a shower from someone who couldn't attend.

Since she is a bridesmaid, I would say of course she needs to send a gift.

Now if it is someone distant and I am not planning on attending the wedding or seeing them in the distant future, I would not send anything.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Ok, I am 23 years old. One my good friends is getting married in late spring. I am a bridesmaid. I haven't been to a wedding since I was a young kid and I have no idea what the rules about gift-giving are and neither do my other friends

She lives in Ohio and me and the other bridesmaids live in Connecticut, so unfortunately we will only be able to attend the rehearsal and wedding, not the shower. Her wedding shower is next week and we got invitations saying where she is registered.

So my questions are: What is the difference between a wedding gift and a wedding shower gift? My mother tells me the shower gift should be like an appliance and the wedding gift should just be cash. Is this correct? And if I mail her something from her registry for the shower, when should it arrive? Does it need to be there the day of the shower or just any time before the wedding?

Thanks!

It's not that way here, but I've heard it's like that in the Northeast, so I'd do what your mom said.

I would try to get it there before/by the day of the shower.

 

[rie'smom]

Small appliances, everyday china, linens,etc. off of the registry for the shower.

Formal china, silver, more elaborate gift off the registry for the wedding.

In our area, cash is not given as a shower or wedding gift. Nor is it expected that a gift equal the amount of money the couple, or more often the bride's parents, are paying for the guest's food/drink.

 

[Jill in Chicago]

I agree that if you are in the wedding party you "should" send a shower gift even if you do not attend. The shower gift can be very basic. I have been married 26 years and one of my favorite shower gifts (that I STILL use) is my white corning ware baking dishes. I registered for them, and one of my best friends bought them for me.

For the wedding, if you are in the wedding party, I would not give money. I feel like you need to give an actual gift. This is totally my opinion and not any kind of rule.

One of my girl friends gave my an assortment of Christmas ornaments for our first Christmas together. Since it is now easy to find ornaments online/year round Christmas stores, this would be easy to do.

A wedding gift I did for my SIL was to walk up to every single person at the wedding reception who was taking photos with their own camera and hand them an envelope. Inside was my e-mail and my home address. I asked them to please e-mail me the photos or send me copies. (This was awhile back, and just about everyone sent the actual photos in the mail.) Then I made a very simple album the following week with all the candid shots, many of which were silly and things not caught by the formal photographer.

At another wedding we put out the throw away cameras and asked everyone to take pictures. We found you do not need one for every table. (None of the tables used up all of the photos on the camera.) Instead just make an announcement to move the cameras around from table to table. You then collect the cameras, get the prints and put into a simple album. (Remember this does not have to be a super gorgeous each page embellished album. Just get a nice album and put the pictures in if you are not into scrapbooking.) The cameras are great entertainment if you have younger children at the wedding reception.