Help! Sticky situation with my friend ... any advice?!?!?

[lynetteSC]

Hi guys … I need advice!!!!!! Ok, so we have some friends that are trying to adopt. They have been trying for almost 3 years. They have been with 2 agencies. They found a lawyer last fall and put in an application. They were matched in late February of this year with a birthmom. Their birthmom was to deliver this week. The birthmom had placed two other infants before so she was pretty much a “sure thing”. They went to dr’s appt the whole works with her.

When they found this lawyer last fall, they invited us to come to one of his meetings. We sent in our adoption application on New Year’s Eve of 2003. We were matched in ONE week!!!!! Our birthmom delivered one day before our 10th anniversary … 3 days before Mother’s day. Our baby boy is just perfect! They have been kinda resentful (not blantantly, just a few comments here and there)to us because we were matched so quickly and had a very smooth wait time. We can totally understand this because we were very fortunate and still can’t believe how lucky we are.

Fast forward to today … my friend got a call today at work from the birthmom’s mother. Basically, she told my friend that her birthmom had to baby last week and was going to keep it and tough luck to them! Then, hungup. ?!?!?!?!?!? They have invested a ton of $$$$$$$ and not to mention love and hopes into this. All lost …

I tried to call my friend when I heard about this. My friend’s husband pretty much told me she did not and would not want to talk to me anytime soon.

I want to do something for my friend to let her know I am concerned, but do not want to be intrusive. Should I leave her alone? Send her a card? UGH … just wait til she calls me?!?!? Sorry this is so long. Thanks for any advice!

 

[Lars624]

I don't know the best way for you to handle it....I just wanted to offer you a hug & some support......good luck in whatever way you decide to proceed.

 

[smiley]

I would definitely send a card of condolence. They are obviously hurting right now and hopefully what the husband said was an outburst during an understandably painful experience. I can't even begin to imagine their sadness. It may take a very long time for your friend to contact you, but knowing that you reached out in their time of dispair will assist them with healing.

Good luck, it wont be easy, but it is the right thing to do.

 

[Bojangles]

How sad for her. Give her a little time. Maybe send a thinking of you card and then ask her to lunch or something in a couple of weeks.

Good luck.

 

[dumboiu]

I would leave her alone then. Sometimes situations arise that damage a friendship. I think their pain and anger may be directed to you and your husband since you had the good fortune of a wonderful adoption and they have had ongoing pain.

I am sorry for you that she feels as she does.....but you should respect her wishes.

 

[debster812]

Lynette--I am SO sorry. I went through something similar with my uncle and his wife. They had had 3 adoptions fall through at the 11th hour after trying for so long to conceive on their own. My husband and I announced our pregnancy to family and friends, just as they found out about adoption attempt #4 (the one that SUCCEEDED) was announced to them.

I was so hesitant to approach them on it. I sent them a card explaining that we were expecting, and how I hoped it would not cause them too much pain.

I think send her a card, express your sympathy and support, and leave the ball in her court. I hope that once their initial pain has subsided, they will come to realize that none of this is YOUR FAULT.

Best wishes to all of you.

Debbie

 

[chell]

Hi Lynette! You should send her a card. I really feel for them. It's a shame that the birthmother decided to do that to them.

 

[HappyMommy2]

What a horrible situation your friend and her DH are in! It sounds like you are a very understanding person, though, and it's good that you are being patient with your friend's understandable (though obviously misdirected) anger. Good for you. I think a nice card would be a great way to share your condolences without intruding on her grief right now.

I remember when I miscarried my first child--it seemed like everyone around me was happily announcing their pregnancies right at that time! At first I felt a little resentful and uncomfortable around those people but those feelings eased over time. I imagine your friend will come to terms with her sadness and seek out your friendship again soon.

 

[Jeanny]

well, I would send them a card, then leave them alone and let them have their space. It's not your fault their birthmother changed her mind.

 

[shortbun]

It's a tough one for sure. Your know you are not responsible for your friend's losses but at the same time, your success really
hurts them. I'd send a simple card saying I was so sorry and
leave it at that. Time will bring her back to you but it might be
lots of time. I'm a mother by adoption and in some adoption groups so I've seen things like this really put a rift in friendships
for a long time. Good luck and love your baby!

 

[zurgswife]

maybe a card and definately some space

 

[HollyJoy]

First, let me say that I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds like a rough one. I hope that your friendship is strong enough to last, but sometimes it's those hard times that show us who our true friends are. Go ahead and be the friend that you want to be and send her a card to let her know you care and that you are there for her. I can understand why it may be hard for her to talk to you due to the whole situation, but hopefully she'll get beyond that and look at you as a great friend. Many hugs to you!

 

[luvmarypoppins]

I am so sorry for your friends. The same thing happened to my cousins, this was the 2nd blow, the birth mom supposedly said she lost the baby, it was a girl. This was after all their invitro stuff failed too. My mom and I decided to send her a card and a big bouquet of flowers. I specifically told the florist, no pink whatsoever as I knew that would set her off again. She told my mom she was very appreciative that we showed we cared about them. The outcome was happy as they now have a cute boy and girl from Korea. Blessings to your friend during this difficult time. Do what you think is best. I am sure she would appreciate any act of thoughtfulness you would show her.

 

[soccerchick]

I've been in her shoes, not w/ adoption, but with miscarriages and fertility issues. I knew in my head that someone else having a baby wasn't taking a baby out of the "baby pool" and reducing my chances of having one, but my heart just ached so much it didn't matter. I'm sure your friends KNOW you can't control how things worked out so well for you but so badly for them; they just can't help their feelings right now. I don't think I was ever rude or snapped at firends, but I avoided friends who were pregnant or who had little ones. When I did see them, I just couldn't bring myself to gush and enjoy their joy -- too much pain. Like other major life issues, friendships get tested during these times and although I was withdrawn at times, my close circle of friends and I have made it through.

Luckily for my DH and I, we were blessed with our DD after trying for over 3 years. After more trials, DS arrived almost 4 years later.

My best friend has also struggled, so I tried very hard to make sure I didn't talk about my DD too much or bring up things that could have been painful. There are some good books out there on these issues to help people work through their emotions.


Go ahead and send a card to let them know you love and support them. I hope you will be able to work through this. I also hope your friends will be able to complete their family soon and have no more disappointment.

 

[lynetteSC]

Thanks guys - I think she will come around. I know they are hurt ... I have been there plenty of times when I found out someone else in the family/friends was pregnant again ... and all we wanted was one baby!

I heard from another friend tonite that they have already been matched with another birthmom who is due in Sept. They meet with her tomorrow evening. So, hopefully that will go much better than this one!

The husband's mom called me tonite to see if I had heard the news. I told her to please let me know if there was anything else I could do, so I feel like the ball is in their court now.

Thanks again for listening and giving support!

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

How sad for them Give her a little time, I'm sure she's so hurt right now she can't see straight. I feel so sad for her.

 

[DepCor0311]

Any time you reach out to a friend it is like giving a gift...you gave with good intentions and you have no control over how the person will receive your gift. I'm sure that she will come around.