Help settle an argument...

[ajk912]

So my husband and I got in an argument today, because he thinks we (meaning, myself and the kids) are too loud in the house. I don't allow screaming at the top of your lungs, but I expect that kids will be loud, especially when they are playing. I consider noise to be normal kid noises. My battles I pick are fighting..no fighting, and running needs to be taken outside. But if I hear you upstairs when you are downstairs, it's not a huge deal. My husband frequently uses the example of...this is where the tv volume is when I am alone, this is where it is because of all the noise. I am like..who cares..and I think it's sad that he thinks the tv is that important. But I don't say that because I don't want to hurt his feelings. He thinks it's disrespectful, because he works hard blah blah..

Oh, and he likes to sleep in on his days off. I don't mind it USUALLY..because I wake up early anyway. But I am not going to tiptoe around the house to keep it quiet. It's a heck of a lot easier to yell upstairs to get the kids downstairs for breakfast, call to the other room for them to get their shoes on..etc..rather than seek each kid out individually and ask them. Life is hectic in the morning, I am not adding to it by appeasing his sleep schedule. It would be one thing if he worked midnights, but he does not, the latest he gets home is 10pm and even THAT is rare..usually he is home by 9 at the latest. He says he has a hard time sleeping..ok..which is why I don't mind letting you doze off in bed while I get the kids up and out the door and off to school.

And then he keeps bringing up his socks in arguments..because I refuse to organize his socks and put them all in a basket and he can sort his own..he has an interesting (to me) eye for shading, and with a zillion black socks, his idea of matching isn't my idea of matching. This sock may be a tad more faded..oh for pete's sake, I refuse to get dragged into sock drama so he can sort his own socks. Sorry. I am tempted to give in on this one though, since he keeps bringing it up, and tell him after finals I will sort his socks if he's THAT hung up on it.

He said this morning that he feels unappreciated for all he does, blah blah..because we are so loud and he said when "I" worked fulltime he kept the house quieter and he ironed my clothes? And then he walked out the door before I could respond.

I am dumbfounded, really. Yes, I do not work right now, but I have three kids, I take care of the house and bills and household chores, the kids afterschool activities and run my daughter to physical therapy afterschool twice a week. I do all the errands, and usually the grasscutting too. When he is home he mostly does his own thing, but I may ask him to pick up the kids at school because I refuse to do EVERYTHING. Oh, and I am college student and I have finals this week which is stressing me out a bit.

Thoughts? Are we disrespectful or does he need to grow up and realize how good he has it? That it's life with a family, the house won't be quiet? Thanks!!!!! Oh, btw he is 43 and I am 32. This is an ongoing argument.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm sorry, I do have to side with your hubby on this one. I don't think it would kill the kids to know that dad is resting or wants some peace and quiet after a work day and they need to keep it down. I can definitely see why he feels that nobody appreciates him. I think I'd feel the same way. From my perspective, it sounds as if you're putting the kids way ahead of him.

As for the socks -- yeah, toss them in a basket. I don't mind doing laundry, but socks are the bane of my existence!

 

[npmommie]

So my husband and I got in an argument today, because he thinks we (meaning, myself and the kids) are too loud in the house. I don't allow screaming at the top of your lungs, but I expect that kids will be loud, especially when they are playing. I consider noise to be normal kid noises. My battles I pick are fighting..no fighting, and running needs to be taken outside. But if I hear you upstairs when you are downstairs, it's not a huge deal. My husband frequently uses the example of...this is where the tv volume is when I am alone, this is where it is because of all the noise. I am like..who cares..and I think it's sad that he thinks the tv is that important. But I don't say that because I don't want to hurt his feelings. He thinks it's disrespectful, because he works hard blah blah..

Oh, and he likes to sleep in on his days off. I don't mind it USUALLY..because I wake up early anyway. But I am not going to tiptoe around the house to keep it quiet. It's a heck of a lot easier to yell upstairs to get the kids downstairs for breakfast, call to the other room for them to get their shoes on..etc..rather than seek each kid out individually and ask them. Life is hectic in the morning, I am not adding to it by appeasing his sleep schedule. It would be one thing if he worked midnights, but he does not, the latest he gets home is 10pm and even THAT is rare..usually he is home by 9 at the latest. He says he has a hard time sleeping..ok..which is why I don't mind letting you doze off in bed while I get the kids up and out the door and off to school.

And then he keeps bringing up his socks in arguments..because I refuse to organize his socks and put them all in a basket and he can sort his own..he has an interesting (to me) eye for shading, and with a zillion black socks, his idea of matching isn't my idea of matching. This sock may be a tad more faded..oh for pete's sake, I refuse to get dragged into sock drama so he can sort his own socks. Sorry. I am tempted to give in on this one though, since he keeps bringing it up, and tell him after finals I will sort his socks if he's THAT hung up on it.

He said this morning that he feels unappreciated for all he does, blah blah..because we are so loud and he said when "I" worked fulltime he kept the house quieter and he ironed my clothes? And then he walked out the door before I could respond.

I am dumbfounded, really. Yes, I do not work right now, but I have three kids, I take care of the house and bills and household chores, the kids afterschool activities and run my daughter to physical therapy afterschool twice a week. I do all the errands, and usually the grasscutting too. When he is home he mostly does his own thing, but I may ask him to pick up the kids at school because I refuse to do EVERYTHING. Oh, and I am college student and I have finals this week which is stressing me out a bit.

Thoughts? Are we disrespectful or does he need to grow up and realize how good he has it? That it's life with a family, the house won't be quiet? Thanks!!!!! Oh, btw he is 43 and I am 32. This is an ongoing argument.

I agree about the normal kid noise in the house, but I do make the kids keep it quiet if hubby is sleeping or resting.
He works hard so I do try to accommodate him in that area.
but if he is not sleeping etc, all bets are off and the kids can go wild.......LOL

 

[Frantasmic]

I agree with you more. However, the $80 3-set intercom system from Radio Shack seems like a match made in heaven for your family. You "pick" your battles wisely with your kids; do the same with your husband.

If you have an upstairs, you speak much more loudly than you realize yelling up the stairs, etc.

Get an intercom with one unit in the family room/kitchen and one in the places your kids are in the mornings most of the time. Then, strict instructions to the kids to keep it on such and such a channel and answer a beep promptly.

Regarding the laundry: if someone complains with how I do it (when I do it) they have the option of washing/folding/sorting it themselves.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sounds like it could be a sensory issue. My dh has it. Noise bothers him too. He experiences "noise" at a different level than we do. I can block out a roaring train with no problem.

My dh has headphones for the TV so he can block us out when he watches his shows and I use the headphones when he is resting so he cannot hear the TV.

As far as the yelling upstairs when he is trying to sleep in, that is probably one you should stop because that is rude if he is trying to sleep in. I would compromise there.

Now I do yell in the morning, but my dh has to get up and that is usually his alarm clock. If he was sleeping in though I would probably not yell upstairs.

As far as the socks....dh does the socks. Put your dh in charge of socks if he is picky. That is pretty much where we compromise. If you are picky about something then you own it.

Anyway that is what works for us.

 

[wenrob]

I can't say who is right or wrong but I can give you a little of my experience. My DH works 12hr rotating shifts so 14hrs out of the day it's just my and the kiddos, more when he is on night shift since he is sleeping when everyone else is awake. Every once in awhile on his days off he becomes a task master with the kids, constantly on them and generally grumpy. Now he would never dare to say, you need to be doing this or that to me. He's smarter then that, lol! But still when he starts throwing orders around to the kids it makes me feel like a really crappy parent and I'm not doing my job. So I sat him down and talked to him about it. He didn't realize how it makes me feel but still said they needed stricter boundaries. While I don't disagree I explained when you are home alone with two four year olds you tend to pick your battles. Then on his next set of days off I made sure I had plans for the majority of the day and left the kids with him. Guess what he said? "I don't know how you do this day in and day out!" Heh, I pick my battles.
Whether you work or not YOU deserve a day off as well. Your DH needs to give up a couple of hours on one of his days off so that YOU can get a break as well. My sister's DH sleeps all day on his days off and it makes me nuts. It's not fair. She complains about it but it's up to her to do something about it. We can't fall into the trap of thinking well, he works, he deserves it and therefore we don't, kwim? We do too! Marriage and parenting are 50/50 deals no matter who is bringing home the bacon. FYI when DH is on night shift we do not tip toe around, life goes on as normal.
As to his socks, my reaction to this is not DIS friendly but suffice it to say he can match his own socks!

 

[allison443]

Oh, and he likes to sleep in on his days off. I don't mind it USUALLY..because I wake up early anyway. But I am not going to tiptoe around the house to keep it quiet. It's a heck of a lot easier to yell upstairs to get the kids downstairs for breakfast, call to the other room for them to get their shoes on..etc..rather than seek each kid out individually and ask them. Life is hectic in the morning, I am not adding to it by appeasing his sleep schedule. It would be one thing if he worked midnights, but he does not, the latest he gets home is 10pm and even THAT is rare..usually he is home by 9 at the latest. He says he has a hard time sleeping..ok..which is why I don't mind letting you doze off in bed while I get the kids up and out the door and off to school.

Okay, you asked, so please don't get offended...the above, to me, is what I would call passive-aggressive. You say you don't mind if he sleeps in on his days off, but then you continue with your normal yelling upstairs, etc. which pretty much guarantees that he can't sleep in. It's like you want him to realize how hectic the mornings are, how much work it is to get the kids out, etc. I don't think it would be that hard to be quiet in the mornings (yes, I also have three kids). If your kids are school age, aren't they old enough to understand to be quiet while dad is sleeping?

I am totally with you on the sock sorting thing, though!!

 

[pyrxtc]

sounds like you both have it pretty good.

It wouldn't be that hard to keep the kids a little quieter while he is sleeping. just cut out the yelling upstairs and walk there and go to where the kids are and tell them to gt shoes on. I would NEVER let my kids yell and scream while my DH is sleeping. he works his butt off and deserves some quiet. Also, I would just match the socks and he can unroll two pair to find ones he thinks go together if that is his thing.

let him cut the grass on his days off.

I let my kids be loud enough in the house too but yelling and stomping are not allowed. If someone is sleeping, they need to keep the noise down. It's not that big of deal. I'm sure you are stressed with finals coming up but you DH is more important. Finals will be over soon but your DH will always be there. I HATE when the volume has to go up on the TV. It should be able to stay at the same volume all the time. If the kids are being loud, then leave the room and go somewhere you won't be so loud I have to crank the TV. Normal loud is fine, anything above needs to be calmed down or taken outside. kids are loud but don't have to be annoying.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Well I'm on your side about the kids playing and making some noise, etc., but he does not sound happy with family home life which is a huge red flag.

 

[Tink888]

I can see both sides. I agree with you that life with family is chaotic and I also believe that with kids, comes a little noise.

But I don't think he's being unreasonable by wanting the noise kept down while he's trying to watch t.v. or if he wants to sleep in during the weekend. He probably works hard all day (not that you don't, you do too) and he wants to unwind and relax. Nothing wrong with that and it wouldn't take much effort on your part to give that to him.

As for the socks, if he's particular about his socks, I'd leave the sorting to him. If he wants you to sort, than he needs to be happy you sorted and not complain about how it was done.

Like you said, he's got it good but remember (and I'm just assuming here), you've probably got it pretty with him too KWIM? When you do little things to make each other happy, usually everyone is happier in the long run.

 

[damren]

I like the intercom idea. It's not alot to ask for some quiet when DH is sleeping.
For the socks, he can do his own!

 

[dawson5]

What I don't get is the "I work hard" comment. You don't? Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you don't work hard, you just don't earn a paycheck and you don't get a day off. Add to that you're going to school.

Have you ever shown him one of those calculators about what it would cost to do what you do if you had to pay someone? Granted they are on the high side but it still brings to light that if you were paid, you would be worth a lot of money.

I don't have to worry about the tv around here, he can zone out. I have told him that when he is engrossed in a tv show, I could dance nekkid in front of him and he wouldn't notice or the house could be on fire. I am easily distracted by noises when watching tv, probably one of the reasons I don't watch it much. It bothers me more when I'm reading. I don 't ask my kids to hush or not act normal (as long as they aren't yelling and screaming), I just pick up my book and find a quiet spot.

What about wireless headphones for when he is watching tv? We bought a $15 pair at hhgregg for hubby to use when he's working out in the morning, so he doesn't wake me up with sportscenter.

 

[npmommie]

Like you said, he's got it good but remember (and I'm just assuming here), you've probably got it pretty with him too KWIM? When you do little things to make each other happy, usually everyone is happier in the long run.

This is a great statement.
I think that we have to remember this, and yes sahm work too, but it is in a different way than our spouse who works full time out of the home.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I am feeling the same way as you right now except we do not have kids. I am 30 and my DH is 40. 2 years ago he was laid off and we decided it was best for him to go back to school to get a college degree. I have been so frustrated this month with him not helping me out. He has 3 classes this semester and he goes to them on Tuesdays and Thursdays, all the other days he sits at home. On the weekends is when he goes to the library to do his homework for a few hours instead of doing it on Monday, Wednesday or Friday when he has off and I am at work. I work M-F, 6:00am-4:30pm. M-W I go to a Zumba class to work out from 6:30-7:30. When I get home he asks me "what's for dinner". I always wonder why he cannot cook dinner on his own for me while I am at work. He cooks maybe 1 day a week and I do the rest. Then on the weekend I am cleaning the house, doing laundry, pay the bills, etc while he is at the library. It just doesn't seem fair to me, but he responds that life isn't fair. I totally understand where you are coming from, I want him to understand how easy he has it.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

So my husband and I got in an argument today, because he thinks we (meaning, myself and the kids) are too loud in the house. I don't allow screaming at the top of your lungs, but I expect that kids will be loud, especially when they are playing. I consider noise to be normal kid noises. My battles I pick are fighting..no fighting, and running needs to be taken outside. But if I hear you upstairs when you are downstairs, it's not a huge deal. My husband frequently uses the example of...this is where the tv volume is when I am alone, this is where it is because of all the noise. I am like..who cares..and I think it's sad that he thinks the tv is that important. But I don't say that because I don't want to hurt his feelings. He thinks it's disrespectful, because he works hard blah blah..

Oh, and he likes to sleep in on his days off. I don't mind it USUALLY..because I wake up early anyway. But I am not going to tiptoe around the house to keep it quiet. It's a heck of a lot easier to yell upstairs to get the kids downstairs for breakfast, call to the other room for them to get their shoes on..etc..rather than seek each kid out individually and ask them. Life is hectic in the morning, I am not adding to it by appeasing his sleep schedule. It would be one thing if he worked midnights, but he does not, the latest he gets home is 10pm and even THAT is rare..usually he is home by 9 at the latest. He says he has a hard time sleeping..ok..which is why I don't mind letting you doze off in bed while I get the kids up and out the door and off to school.

And then he keeps bringing up his socks in arguments..because I refuse to organize his socks and put them all in a basket and he can sort his own..he has an interesting (to me) eye for shading, and with a zillion black socks, his idea of matching isn't my idea of matching. This sock may be a tad more faded..oh for pete's sake, I refuse to get dragged into sock drama so he can sort his own socks. Sorry. I am tempted to give in on this one though, since he keeps bringing it up, and tell him after finals I will sort his socks if he's THAT hung up on it.

He said this morning that he feels unappreciated for all he does, blah blah..because we are so loud and he said when "I" worked fulltime he kept the house quieter and he ironed my clothes? And then he walked out the door before I could respond.

I am dumbfounded, really. Yes, I do not work right now, but I have three kids, I take care of the house and bills and household chores, the kids afterschool activities and run my daughter to physical therapy afterschool twice a week. I do all the errands, and usually the grasscutting too. When he is home he mostly does his own thing, but I may ask him to pick up the kids at school because I refuse to do EVERYTHING. Oh, and I am college student and I have finals this week which is stressing me out a bit.

Thoughts? Are we disrespectful or does he need to grow up and realize how good he has it? That it's life with a family, the house won't be quiet? Thanks!!!!! Oh, btw he is 43 and I am 32. This is an ongoing argument.

Sorry, I side with your hubby on this one.

Screaming upstairs and from room to room is disrespectful and boorish when there isn't anybody asleep. When somebody is asleep, it is incomprehensible. It is very lazy and selfish on your part.

The socks I agree with you on. Everything else - it is not your husband that needs to grow up, but you.

Kids noise is inevitable and sometimes it sounds like a circus in our house. That is normal. However, if kids are upstairs and you can't hear the tv downstairs, that is just plain disrespectful. There is normal kid noise, which can be loud, and then there are wild banshees. From what you posted, it almost sounds like you encourage the latter.

You are not doing your children any favors by not teaching them respect, only raising a bunch of snowflakes whose only concern is their own.

 

[wdwfan16]

When a person is sleeping it is not respectful to make so much noise that you wake them. Kids need to learn the difference between indoor and outdoor voices. IMHO you kids need to tone it down.

 

[ajk912]

Okay, you asked, so please don't get offended...the above, to me, is what I would call passive-aggressive. You say you don't mind if he sleeps in on his days off, but then you continue with your normal yelling upstairs, etc. which pretty much guarantees that he can't sleep in. It's like you want him to realize how hectic the mornings are, how much work it is to get the kids out, etc. I don't think it would be that hard to be quiet in the mornings (yes, I also have three kids). If your kids are school age, aren't they old enough to understand to be quiet while dad is sleeping?

I am totally with you on the sock sorting thing, though!!

It may sound passive aggressive but it isn't. I don't mind him sleeping in but I am going to go about my day as I normally would. This is how mornings work in our house, and this is the way I get everyone out the door on time. It's only about an hour where we are rushing around, and then the house is quiet again when I go off to school or do my errands or whatever if he is off that day. I suppose I would could get up earlier where we are not rushing around and we could be quieter, but uh..that I will not do. I will not get up earlier so the house is quieter so he could sleep in later.

 

[wdwfan16]

It may sound passive aggressive but it isn't. I don't mind him sleeping in but I am going to go about my day as I normally would. This is how mornings work in our house, and this is the way I get everyone out the door on time. It's only about an hour where we are rushing around, and then the house is quiet again when I go off to school or do my errands or whatever if he is off that day. I suppose I would could get up earlier where we are not rushing around and we could be quieter, but uh..that I will not do. I will not get up earlier so the house is quieter so he could sleep in later.

This is definitely PA. You want to get your sleep, so no getting up earlier and you want to do what you want to do. DH be damned.

 

[SaraJayne]

I agree about the normal kid noise in the house, but I do make the kids keep it quiet if hubby is sleeping or resting.
He works hard so I do try to accommodate him in that area.
but if he is not sleeping etc, all bets are off and the kids can go wild.......LOL

Same here.

A little respect and kindness towards others goes a long way.

 

[ajk912]

Thanks guys!!! I am actually really shocked by the answers. I don't think I am going to change, because he married me and he knows I am loud ..but maybe I will try to tone it down if I am feeling especially nice that day.

Here I thought I was being nice. I wake up with the kids, he gets to lay in bed and doze off (even if it's too loud to sleep, it sure beats waking up and getting all the kids out the door on time!!!!). That's what I was thinking...I would be worried he would be doing it wrong (Not sure how that could be...) but I couldn't do it..but if I was in his shoes I would be thinking, it's nice that I don't have to be more of a hands-on parent on my days off. Here I was thinking he had it good, because my dad was always the type that if he was off, he was still a member of the family so unless there was extenuating circumstances (once every 3 months, or he worked late, or whatever) he should get up and join the family. My DH dozes in bed on his days off, and I am the bad guy..I don't get that..but whatever. I am not offended by opinions on the DIS (usually) so I am interested in other opinions!!!