help! need opinions re: wedding etiquette

[ibelieveinmagic]

hi everyone i really would like some opinions/advice on this! Our daughter is getting married to man who lives on maui Hi! She has been living there for a year now, we live in cleveland Ohio. Well ,they are getting married and staying on Maui, she, [our daughter ]initially said she wanted a small wedding 50 people max, well now its up to 250 of his family and friends because he grew up there. we are paying to fly and stay for a week [us and our son ]and we are having a party for them here -beacause she is going to be in a friends wedding here the week after hers! here's the question how much of this wedding should we pay for? We were willing to pay for a small wedding on maui but can't afford a big wedding plus all the expense of going there! opions please and thank you so much!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that whomever pays for the wedding should have the option/right to limit the guest-list.

 

[lulugirl]

I would decide how much you can afford to contribute and write Dd a check for that amount and ask her to use it for wedding expenses.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you cannot pay for a big wedding and the expense of going there, I would tell your dd this right away!
Be clear and tell her you can only offer $$$$, for her wedding.

BTW...how old is your dd and her fiancee? I mean are they older and can pay for this themselves or were they expecting you to pay?

 

[Wishing on a star]

lulugirl also has a good suggestion.

If your daughter is old enough and independant enough to move to Maui for a year (living with her fianc'e???) And, she is planning her own wedding, on Maui, a geat distance from you. Is it not reasonable to expect that she should also be the one to make the financial plans for whatever type of wedding she is planning. With your contribution of some agreed upon amount.

At this point, is it really reasonable for her and her fianc'e to simply say, we're getting married now, you will foot the bill.

edited to add: Mystery Machine... we posted on similar lines at the same time!

 

[azgal81]

I think you should pay for whatever you see fit. I see no reason why any parent should be automatically required to pay for the whole wedding. Talk to your daughter and say I would like to pay for this but you are on your own for the rest. If they can't afford it they can plan a cheaper wedding, there are plently of budget wedding ideas out there. I do not expect my parents to foot the bill for my wedding.

 

[disneymom3]

IMO it's not really an issue of etiquette. When I got married, I lived 2000 miles away from my parents most of the year. (They came here for spring summer and early fall.) I lived in an apartment on my own and was the first girl in my family to not get married directly from living at home, and honestly, I wasn't sure they would be paying for it. I asked right up front if they still planned to pay for it and since I was on my own planning it, what kind of budget I should be working with. Mom and Dad told me what they were willing to do--i.e. they didn't pay for flowers or pics. Just talk to your DD and tell her what budget you have available. If she wants to make it work for xx amount of guests, she will have to find a way to do it.

 

[ibelieveinmagic]

thanks for your replies! i like the idea of giving them a check to use toward the wedding expenses! she is 21 [young] ,he is 23 ,i dont think they expext us to pay for the whole thing, his family is helping ,and daughter and fiancee will pay for some of it . This is the first wedding in our family and also she just got engaged a few months ago so it's all very fast and there's no time to save!

 

[ibelieveinmagic]

thanks again everyone! you have made some good points and given me some very good ideas! Our first daughter got involved with youth with a mission, which has a base on maui and the other{ my youngest] the one getting married followed ,they have done short term mission work in various parts of the world so that is how they landed on Maui, they met many friends and decided to stay there. well again, thanks and have a great memorial day!

 

[Keli]

You should give your dd what you can afford. I would look at my finances, decide how much I could possibly afford and then subtract the cost of the trip to HI and the reception in your hometown. Then I would write dd a check for the rest as my contribution to her wedding.

 

[Beth76]

I think if you are hosting a reception for them here, that's all you need to do. That's essentially the big wedding expense, the party. You shouldn't have to pay for two.

 

[grlpwrd]

hi everyone i really would like some opinions/advice on this! Our daughter is getting married to man who lives on maui Hi! She has been living there for a year now, we live in cleveland Ohio. Well ,they are getting married and staying on Maui, she, [our daughter ]initially said she wanted a small wedding 50 people max, well now its up to 250 of his family and friends because he grew up there. we are paying to fly and stay for a week [us and our son ]and we are having a party for them here -beacause she is going to be in a friends wedding here the week after hers! here's the question how much of this wedding should we pay for? We were willing to pay for a small wedding on maui but can't afford a big wedding plus all the expense of going there! opions please and thank you so much!

I think the groom and his family would understand the extra expenses it takes for you to get there and because of so many people on his side attending so I would speak with your dd, your future son in law , and his family if you can and coordinate.

I am from the islands and from what you posted he sounds like a local person, a kama'aina. Local people are very laid back which we call the aloha spirit. 250 sounds like a lot of people and I'm sure things will work out...just discuss amongst each other first so no misunderstandings.

 

[kirbsam]

i think the easy answer is just communicate with your daughter. find out what her expectations are and let her know what yours are. and find an amount that you can both live with. dont make this complicated event any more complicated. one ten minute phone call can save you a lot of stress. just be open and honest with eachother.

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the other posters. Sit down and figure out your expenses for travel and the home-town reception. Then determine, how much you can afford to give your daughter and her fiance. Let her know a.s.a.p. that you would love to help with more with her wedding expenses and will give her a check for $X towards her wedding to be used however she wishes. (If she and her fiance need to trim their guest list or otherwise alter their plans because of finances, it will be better for them to realize that now than later.)

BTW, my Dad did this with both my brother and I. We got married within 6 months of each other. I had a small intimate wedding and my brother had a very large wedding. My Dad gave each of us the same amount of money. We will be doing the same thing for our children, when that day comes.

 

[Disney Doll]

I agree with everyone. Decide what you can afford to give them, with the other expenses of the Ohio reception and your travel expenses, and let them know you can give them "X" toward the Hawaii wedding.

 

[gypsydoodlebug]

thanks again everyone! you have made some good points and given me some very good ideas! Our first daughter got involved with youth with a mission, which has a base on maui and the other{ my youngest] the one getting married followed ,they have done short term mission work in various parts of the world so that is how they landed on Maui, they met many friends and decided to stay there. well again, thanks and have a great memorial day!

My BIL met his wife there, too!! She was from Seattle and he's from Kentucky. They got married in Seattle and had a reception in Kentucky. My in-laws, who are divorced, paid for the rehearsal dinner and hosted the small sit-down dinner here. I think my FIL gave them some money to use as well.

 

[mom2boys]

I would decide how much you can afford to contribute and write Dd a check for that amount and ask her to use it for wedding expenses.

This is what I've always said we would do when our boys get married. I realize it's not the same with daughters. But I have many friends who's parent gave them a check for $x - whatever the parents could afford.
I would not under any circumstances go into debt for anyones wedding.

There was never any question that I would pay for my own wedding.

 

[Kimberle]

oh... to be young, in love with stars in your eyes...........

I agree with the others. Figure out what you can afford/want to spend, and give your dd a check. If you have other children, it should be the same for them. My parents had 4 of us. They gave each of us $5k for our wedding. Each one of us had a totally different "flavor" for our wedding (except our baby sister, she's not married yet.)

Your dd will dance in the clouds for a while (like all young brides), then I'm sure she'll come back down to earth. I'm sure you raised her with a good head on her shoulders.

 

[ibelieveinmagic]

thanks so much everyone! all your replys have helped so much , i guess i was thining about the old way that the brides family should pay for everything ,but i think it's different now. DH and i paid for most of our wedding expenses, my mom paid for the food [small reception in the church basement] and that worked out really well. thanks again!

 

[figment52]

I would think that you would pay for the party at home and his family in Hawaii should pay for the party/wedding there. If you want to contribute something to the wedding that is fine but you shouldn't have to contribute to both events.