Help.. My mother --- Long story

[SnowAngel]

My Mom is driving me craaazzzyyy and I'm not even there.

Okay... My Mom came to live with us a few years ago along with my older brother. My younger brother had died (the three of them lived together) so I invited them to move to the state where I live. I said you can stay with us until you find jobs and a place to stay. They never left!.
My db did finally get a job as a truck driver so he only comes in once every couple months. When he does he likes to drink heavy (which I really don't care for too much around my girls.. though I do drink occasionally I hate the get stupid drunk like he does) But this is not about him.. he's another long messed up story.

My Mom has been with us for a couple years now. She can be nice and sweet but moody. Very manulpitive (sp) and likes her own way. She tries to turn me against my dh and talks bad about him behind his back and in front of my girls. But no she would "never do that" she's too "nice". She gets upset because she doesn't have partial control of the house and is always asking about our bills.. blah.. blah.. blah If you tell she is doing anything wrong or rather "Mom, you way is good but we like to do it this way" or "Please don't do that. " she gets all upset and then gets db to bring up an argument. She thinks he's the greatest thing in the world. Everyone looks up to him according to her. And she loves to talk about people (which dh and I hate)

But what really just got me is she told dh (I'm away for a few months or she wouldn't have said it.. She's says I mean because when she says something I don't like I will tell her sometimes anyway..) that she could get him in trouble if she wanted to but he's family (what does she think she is the mafia.. we don't even have Italian in us ) Dh and I have problems and are still working through them and she loves to keep them going

Dh says she has been very controlling and every time he deals with the girls she jumps in. She is a big help but emotional wearing on him. Now he is a great Dad (absentminded when he gets on his computer) but very sensitive to criticism and is always thinking someone is after him and will take the girls away from him He had an incident when oldest was young where he took her to a restaurant by himself. When she started screaming in the restroom they called the police on him. He is his own worst enemy. If you tell him he did something he believes it.

::sigh:: I do wish I could ask her to move sometimes. She threatens to go live with my Aunts. Once I offered to give her the money for the tickets she backed down. She doesn't work and says she is always sick (she did have a heart attack a year ago so I do understand it to a point but most of the time she is only sick when she doesn't want to do something) She acts like she's this angel (and saying she does mean well most of the time) but yet ...Everyone who doesn't live with her love her.

Okay .. rant over . There's lots more frustration with her but this rant has gone on long enough . Thanks for listening and if there is grammer errors blame it on the time

PS She's really really old (she's 52 )

 

[zurgswife]

Is there anyway that you can get her a place of her own? I think that is your only solution.

 

[snuggles]

Is there some reason she can't live alone? If not I'd take her appt. shopping as soon as I could. How about one of those nice retirement homes? There would be plenty of company her own age there. Good luck. I hope you get it all settled soon.

 

[Ranatra]

Originally posted by SnowAngel
She tries to turn me against my dh and talks bad about him behind his back and in front of my girls.

IMO, this is more than enough reason to ask her to please move out of your house. She is disrespecting your DH big time. This can be damaging to your girls.

My mother has lived with us for the past 12 years due to her poor health. She has never disrespected any of us in this manner. I would not allow it for even a second.

You have been a good daughter in taking them in, but this was suppossed to be only temporary, correct? You need to stand your ground and ask them to leave. They are both taking advantage of the situation and being disrespectful in the process.
I know she is your mother, but she has overstepped. This is your House!

I love my mother to death, but if she was causing major problems in my household like this, I would have to make other arrangements.

Pm me anytime if you need to talk. Good Luck.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

At one point, my mother in law was so interfering in our marriage that it threatened to ruin the marriage.
My hubby and I hold such different views than her about everything (similar to how you and your mom are different with her enjoying talking about people, and you NOT enjoying that type of thing)........

anyway, our solution was to stand our ground and to tell her that it was OUR life, not hers.
We lived a block away from her and we highly encouraged her to move into a senior retirement community as well. She resisted for 3 years and we figured it would NEVER happen.

Being such a clingy woman and depending on us for everything we figured it wouldn't work out even if she DID move.

Lo and behold, one day she decided on her own that she would check into senior apartments. 6 months later, she moved and it has changed all our lives. She no longer interferes because she's too busy socializing! She's a changed person because she now lives close to the things she used to depend on us to get her to. The move has made her a more independant person and hubby and I have our lives back.

Move your mom. It's not good for your marriage, and THAT is what's most important of all.

 

[Lucky4me]

It sounds as if your Mom is taking care or help taking care of your children while you are out of town for three months? That's got to be pretty convenient and cost effiecient too. Babysitters are expensive these days. If you want her out you have to stop asking her to help. You have to show her that you can do it on your own. She will never change especially while living in your home. I'm sure she feels in a sense she's indispensible since you've gone away. I'm sure when you really get tired of her and really start doing it all on your own, you'll do what it takes to get her to move.

Good luck!

 

[Scratch42]

The situation is not going to get better, sorry to say. Can't give advice because my mother can be overbearing at time also! I've just learned to Grin and bear it!

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Scratch

 

[PamOKW]

Who is supporting mom? At 52, she's got a long life ahead of her and unless you start moving things in another direction that life will be with you. If she got her own place that could also be "home base" for your brother and you'll have helped resolve two problems.

 

[SnowAngel]

My dh and I are supporting Mom. Since she had her hear attack she hasn't worked. She is suing social security because they denied her disability. The lawyers and doctors says she has a good case. My db thinks he supports her since she has loan of his car (which he got while staying with us and dh co-signed for) and he gives her spending money.

It gets so complicated. I love my Mom but just wished she didn't live with us. I do want her to live near but not under the same roof.

She thinks she is so old. I keep telling her 52 is not old. And this is a person with a PH.D in Accounting who says she can't work.

Thanks all for listening

 

[wdwnutze]

Sounds like you need to put a time limit on her and your brother to move out. You have been a good daughter but if she is causing that much of a problem you will never be able to work out your problems with your dh. Also, if she is talking bad about dh in front of your dd's she needs to go. Offer to help get her a place.

 

[Minnie824]

I'm so sorry for your situation and, although I have no advice, I wanted to let you know I sympothize with you. Some of the things you mentioned remind me of my mother. Funny too, cuz I was just going to write a post about her the other day. She watches my DD and the other day casually mentioned (about 10 times) that we shouldn't go somewhere cuz DD is sick and should have been to the doctor already. Let me point out that DD has a cold, just like me and at that point had had the cold for a whole 1 day (now is fine too). After hearing this all day, I said if she said that one more time I didn't want to hear from her, this is my daughter, etc. So she leaves the house and slams my door!! Then she calls the next day to see if we're going, and after I told her not to slam my door, she hangs up on me!! Funny, how as I was growing up 'respect' was a common theme....lots of respect she's showing for my judgement and my house etc. So, I understand what you're going thru and wish you lots of luck.