Help me with divorce questions please

[totalia]

Im a long time diser here but have to be ingognito.

My husband and I are having major problems and if anything we need to separate.

Here are my divorce questions...

1. Will we need to see a marriage counselor first?

2. If I leave and go to an apt does my husband have to help pay rent as I don't hold a job.

3. Im in my fifties....how do I get a job with little education???? How do I support myself? Are there places that will help me?

4. My husband has been putting lots of money away in retirement. Do I lose all that or do we split it?

Please help with no debates. Im desperate!

I imagine it depends on your state for all these questions. Thats why its best to ask a lawyer.

When I got divorced...

1. No. Marriage Counselling was not a requirement.

2. No your husband does not have to help you with anything. You are done. He pays for his. You pay for yours.

3. You will find a job. Just apply for places and don't be too particular.

4. Depending on the law in your state, you may get half of it. Usually, everything you gained during the marriage is now both partners and is split 50/50.

 

[Papa Deuce]

I have a question about this "half of his retirement cash" thing.... I'm not getting a divorce, but my wife makes a lot more than I do... so how would that work?

My wife and I entered an oral agreement - not binding, I know -- that we would leave each other's retirement money alone if we to ever divorce.

And if PA had alimony, and I don't think it does, I certainly wouldn't want to collect it from her.

Divorce is a sad thing. Good luck.

 

[totalia]

The way it was explained to me...

Anything gained during the marriage is split 50/50. Anything you owned before the marriage is yours to keep. Whatever happens after a separation is no longer yours (unless its property gained during the time of the marriage or it has to do with supporting your children).

Then again, I divorced under Canadian law.

Seriously, its best to go to a lawyer. Most of them have free one hour consultations.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

2. If I leave and go to an apt does my husband have to help pay rent as I don't hold a job. no, her's didn't. research abandonment or vacating the marriage issues in your state. When we met with her lawyer I remember something about this, that if you up and leave it could hurt you if divorce court gets ugly.

I agree. I was only married to my ex for a few months, and I left him because he physically abused me. But because I left/initiated things, I wound up losing the most legally. I don't feel like getting into it here, but feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I also had a dreadful lawyer, so if you can afford it, get a really good one that you can obtain referrals on.

 

[Christine]

I have a question about this "half of his retirement cash" thing.... I'm not getting a divorce, but my wife makes a lot more than I do... so how would that work?

My wife and I entered an oral agreement - not binding, I know -- that we would leave each other's retirement money alone if we to ever divorce.

And if PA had alimony, and I don't think it does, I certainly wouldn't want to collect it from her.

Divorce is a sad thing. Good luck.

PD, I've wondered the same. Both DH and work and make about equal pay. I just figured our retirement accounts would sort of cancel each other out and we wouldn't touch each others. On the other hand, I (we) have had make the payments into MY 401K, while his employer makes them into his account--lucky him.

 

[EdiePA]

My first advice, talk to a lawyer first! There are different laws for every state and you need to know what is legally yours. Also, if there is a real nasty lawyer in town, get a consultation with him/her, too. Not that you're going to use him/her, unless you want to go that route, but that will be a conflict of interest and he won't be able to represent your EX either.

1. I live in PA -- no marriage counseling required or even suggested

2. I stayed in the family home -- he was not required to help with anything that did not involve the children.

3. There are programs for displace housewives to get them back into the workforce. Start researching now. Plus, your "experience" in volunteering, etc., can also be used to find a paying position.

4. All assets were split -- he earned twice as much as me. Pennsylvania is not a 50/50 state, so I was able to hammer out a 60/40 split in my favor. I did not touch his retirement account, but he had to 'give' me the family home.

Find an attorney you can work with. Do not leave your home, change your locks, anything, until you know that you have that right.

Oh, and start finding out every bit of financial information that you can -- you will need it for that first lawyer's visit. And take a trusted friend with you to take notes -- you might be a basket case and not remember something important. (Voice of experience there)

Hugs to you. I wouldn't wish this road on anyone -- even my ex husband.

Edie

 

[Kitty 34]

to whomever you are especially if you are a long time DISer here. I have a girlfriend going thru the beginning stages of a divorce, too. The very first thing she's doing is going back to school to become a nurse so she can support herself some day. She also mentioned to me that she will get part of her DH's retirement but I can't remember if she said half or not. This is here in Michigan.

Good luck.

 

[Lessa of Pern]

I'll answer a question again, from the NY perspective --

anything acquired during the marriage is marital property, and is subject to equitable distribution. "equitable" does not necessarily mean "equal".

when my ex and I got divorced, he has vested in a pension plan and I had accumulated funds in a 401(k) and an IRA. the current net worth of his pension was about equal to what I had in retirement funds, so we waived rights in each other's retirement plan.

other people have been known to trade off assets -- like "you keep your IRA, I get a larger share of the proceeds of the sale of the house".

I think the bottom line for the OP -- if you get a divorce, you won't be penniless. you will have some share in the marital assets, including your husband's retirement funds, and if you've been married for over 10 years you're entitled to social security payments as well. but you'll need a lawyer in order to ascertian exactly how much you'll receive.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I am sorry you are going through this!

My mom has recently divorced my father after 30-something years of marriage. She also has very little job experience/education to fall back on and she only held an occasional part-time job during the marriage.

The absolute MOST important thing is to consult with a really good attorney who specializes in Family Law and/or Divorce.

My mom did not have to go for counseling.

Do NOT move out - many states do have funny laws about abandonment. As others have said if you are being abused then GET OUT NOW. Got to a shelter immediately. They will help you with referrals for legal issues and provide emotional support. Texas does not have "alimony". There is "spousal support" for a set number of years (2 or 3) just so you can get on your feet.

My mom went to the Texas Workforce Commission for help with job placement, training, etc. Also check with colleges to see if they have a "displaced homemaker" program. Look in the Yellow Pages under "Social Services" to see what else is available. Going to a temp agency is a great idea.

Division of assets will depend entirely on the laws of your state.

Best of luck to you!!

 

[mickeyfan2]

PA is an equitable property state not a joint property state. That means the judge can give one spouse more of the assets. In general in PA the wife get 60% and the husband 40%. But this is when she gets the minor kids too. A joint property state is 50/50.

 

[Serena]

I'm so sorry.

There are so many factors that are involved you really need to speak with someone in your state.

If there is any abuse, get out now. If not, then find a lawyer you trust and do it their way.

Find all the titles, receipts, etc, from everything worth anything in your home. Take many pictures of what is in your house, just to verify what is in there incase things come up "missing".
You need bank records, your own credit card, insurance, retirement, stocks, bonds, etc.
I suggest a counselor for you. Sometimes insurance will pay for it, sometimes they have a sliding scale based on your income.

If this marriage can work, do your best to make it work. If not, then let it go and move on.

 

[browneyes]

Why do you "have" to go incognito? These questions are best answered by your attorney, not strangers on a Disney message board. aw: Good luck.

Gepetto, I'm glad you've never had your emotions so raw that you don't understand what the OP is going through by asking why she feels she "has" to go incognito. Very fortunate for you.

OP, I have no suggestions, but a lot of emotional support for you.

 

[disneyaggie]

First of all, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

Here are just some suggestions, already stated by others: Do not leave the house. He could change the locks before you get to your car. And don't for a minute believe, "Oh, we will both be so civil. He wouldn't do anything to take anything away from me." Buh-loney! Once a divorce gets rolling, oftentimes emotions totally get the best of the other.

My ex was so upset after the divorce he wanted to even argue over who got the baby gate (for the dogs). I told him, "You take it. I can always get another" . . . and did!

Also, YES, definitley get an attorney. There are some who may work contengency (without charging up front). But please get one who specializes in divorce! I made the mistake of thinking my ex was capable of putting one together (he is in no way an attorney by profession), and it could have been done better by Elmer Fudd! We did not have much assets at that time (this was MANY years ago with just a few years together) so it really was pretty simple. However, I ended up having to pay for an attorney to fix what he screwed up! Hey it was worth it to get totally rid of him!

And yes, there are many opportunities out there for YOU! Even if you start out working through a temporary agency. You can answer telephones and find other things companies need good people like yourself to do! It can lead to so many opportunities! And you get excellent on-the-job training . . . and paid while doing so! Also, contact your local Workforce Commission. From what I understand, they have an excellent placement service and job training record.

Always know, we are here for you! Keep us posted. Thoughts, prayers and pixie dust coming your way!

 

[totalia]

Actually, in a way I have to agree that there was no need to go incognito to ask about this. Many people have and will go through divorces so we can relate.

 

[jipsy]

I believe the poster went incognito because she didn't want her husband to read it. At least, that's the way I took it.

 

[nottatroll]

I'm surprised at the incognito debate that's started here!

Didn't think that would be an issue here. Oh well. Just looking for some quick info before actually seeking out any lawyers or counselors.

Many of you have been very helpful. I'm glad I mentioned the moving out part. I didn't know that could go against me. Thanks for that peice of info!

To answer a few Im not in an abusive situation just a non loving worthless marriage and have been for a long long time. I guess Ive just been scared to start the first move to doing something about it so thought Id come to all these helpful strangers.

The incognito part? Just cuz.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

Couple of points. Divorce and family law attorneys usually charge a set fee for a divorce, based on the average number of hours it takes to present, his or her hourly rate, and the number of documents that need to be drafted. A complex divorce (lots of property, lots of contention, lots of custody) will run you more, a simple divorce will cost you less. Regardless, the attorney will require you pay a deposit (called a retainer) for what these services will cost you. The retainer is placed into a client trust account and as your attorney spends time on your case, his or her fees are paid from that fund. Once that retainer is depleted, he or she will require more funds. If retainer funds remain at the end of the divorce, those are refunded to you.

Like many posters have said, interview a few attorneys. Every state has different laws, but generally the non-income earner has plenty of rights, sometimes more rights in a divorce than the actual bread-winner. The duration of your marriage will play a factor in any alimony you may receive, and the matter of his retirement fund is pretty easy insofar as divorces go. Certain pensions are treated as property (like military) and subject to the laws governing division in the state where you reside.

Work. The good news is, you know how to use a computer! Again, the good news is you're literate and can take any number of job, including temporary work. Find a temp agency and have them find you work for a while until you find what you like to do. This will give you the flexibility to work as many or as few days a week as you need, and gives you good experience. Also, check out the local colleges and see what kind of continuing education courses they give. School starts soon, so this is a perfect time to sign up for a class in the evenings. Community colleges are cheap and anyone can take classes. Go for it! Might even be nice to get out of the house for an evening! Why not explore work or classes before you proceed any further with a possible divorce?

Ditto on what another poster said. Know where all your assets are. Bank numbers, credit card numbers, balances, social security numbers, etc. Be smart and make sure your bases are covered.

Take a deep breath. If you decide to stay, or you decide to divorce, either route won't be easy. But only you can decide what is best for you. Sometimes we all just need a little emotional support, but we don't want to have to pay $250 an hour to get it.

Take good care of yourself and best of luck in whatever you decide. You are in my thoughts!!

 

[totalia]

Suggestion, the day you file for divorce, make sure you take away his access to all YOUR bank accounts, credit cards and anything else. My ex emptied our bank account and charged my credit card to the hilt when we separated because I didn't move fast enough to stop him. And I got told that there was nothing I could do about it because he was still my husband until he signed the papers. Regardless, it was a couple thousand dollars that I decided wasn't worth what it would cost in the divorce to get him to pay for it.

Protect yourself and don't trust that he will be reasonable.

 

[Snowysmom]

I'm sorry you are going through this. In my state (Mass) most of the Community Colleges have displaced homemaker programs in which they offer job training and placement. Also, state employment agencies may have some programs. Good luck with whatever you decide.