Help me with divorce questions please

[nottatroll]

Im a long time diser here but have to be ingognito.

My husband and I are having major problems and if anything we need to separate.

Here are my divorce questions...

1. Will we need to see a marriage counselor first?

2. If I leave and go to an apt does my husband have to help pay rent as I don't hold a job.

3. Im in my fifties....how do I get a job with little education???? How do I support myself? Are there places that will help me?

4. My husband has been putting lots of money away in retirement. Do I lose all that or do we split it?

Please help with no debates. Im desperate!

 

[gepetto]

Why do you "have" to go incognito? These questions are best answered by your attorney, not strangers on a Disney message board. aw: Good luck.

 

[icebrat001]

Why do you "have" to go incognito? These questions are best answered by your attorney, not strangers on a Disney message board. aw: Good luck.

Sure, the questions are best answered by an attorney. However, she may not have an attorney yet, and it's good to hear the opinions and advice of our fellow Disers. I'm not saying Dis advice should replace the advice of an attorney but it doesn't hurt to get support and advice from all spectrums available.

 

[disneyfreakjackie]

Sorry you're going through this, I understand why you would want to go incognito. I don't have answers to your questions, just wanted to say good luck with everything.

 

[jipsy]

Im a long time diser here but have to be ingognito.

My husband and I are having major problems and if anything we need to separate.

Here are my divorce questions...

1. Will we need to see a marriage counselor first?

It depends on what state you live in. Some require it. It would probably be a good idea anyway, you might not get divorced.

2. If I leave and go to an apt does my husband have to help pay rent as I don't hold a job.

You would need to get your attorney to draw up a separation agreement and spell out every little detail for you.

3. Im in my fifties....how do I get a job with little education???? How do I support myself? Are there places that will help me?

Yes there should be job help and training at the unemployment office. Again, your attorney will know all this.

4. My husband has been putting lots of money away in retirement. Do I lose all that or do we split it?

Again it depends on the state you live in. Some states are community property states, which means everything gets divided equally. You may qualify for alimony, since you haven't worked (it sounds like, not sure by your post).

Best thing I can tell you is - go find a good attorney.

 

[RadioNate]

I agree with talking to a lawyer. I'm not 100% sure about this but a good friend is going through a divorce so I thought I'd take a stab at it.

1. Will we need to see a marriage counselor first? no, I think the lawyers will ask if you have tired counseling but it isn't a requirement

2. If I leave and go to an apt does my husband have to help pay rent as I don't hold a job. no, her's didn't. research abandonment or vacating the marriage issues in your state. When we met with her lawyer I remember something about this, that if you up and leave it could hurt you if divorce court gets ugly.

3. Im in my fifties....how do I get a job with little education???? How do I support myself? Are there places that will help me?no idea sorry, good luck

4. My husband has been putting lots of money away in retirement. Do I lose all that or do we split it?i think this can depend on your state and divorce settlement. in her case she is getting 1/2

good luck - obviously your best bet is to talk to a divorce lawyer.

 

[dg39]

I have no advice or words of wisdom for you. Just want to let you know that I hope things work out for you.

 

[marybet]

I think how much of his retirement you get will depend on how long you've been married and how good of a lawyer you get. I would not leave the house until you talk to an attorney by doing so you may have a hard time getting anything out of the house that you don't take with you. I would not think that you would have to see a marriage counselor first. If you have always stayed at home than you should get alimony. But there are places that can help you find employment. And there are a lot of things that you can use in place of work experience, like volunteer work.

And just speaking from my own experience, even though I had a "friendly" divorce, get your own attorney. And don't listen to any women who say "I would never take alimony". I got that after I was divorced and it would just make me so angry, they had not idea what I had gone through and I earned every penny of the alimony that I got.

Good luck.

 

[Beauty]

I don't know the answers but I will say I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[Papa Deuce]

I agree with talking to a lawyer. I'm not 100% sure about this but a good friend is going through a divorce so I thought I'd take a stab at it.

1. Will we need to see a marriage counselor first? no, I think the lawyers will ask if you have tired counseling but it isn't a requirement

2. If I leave and go to an apt does my husband have to help pay rent as I don't hold a job. no, her's didn't. research abandonment or vacating the marriage issues in your state. When we met with her lawyer I remember something about this, that if you up and leave it could hurt you if divorce court gets ugly.

3. Im in my fifties....how do I get a job with little education???? How do I support myself? Are there places that will help me?no idea sorry, good luck

4. My husband has been putting lots of money away in retirement. Do I lose all that or do we split it?i think this can depend on your state and divorce settlement. in her case she is getting 1/2

good luck - obviously your best bet is to talk to a divorce lawyer.

Maybe for legal matters only. In PA there is a (totally voluntary, and self precribed ) mediation panel that tries to make everything as smooth as possible in a divorce. It includes counselling to both sides while trying to mediate who gets what. The idea is that divorce doean't always have to be such a nasty event.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

I think laws differ a lot from state to state. Please see an attorney who specializes in divorce - a really good one. Don't do anything like move out until you do. Don't share the information about what you're considering. I'm not saying your husband will try to hide assets but anything is possible when a marriage is breaking up.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I know some of the answers for you from going thru a few close friends divorce. The answers may vary by state and I am not a lawyer, but well read on the subject of divorce.

1. Will we need to see a marriage counselor first?

Not before you seperate (some states have legal seperations and other it is when you no longer live together), but some states require it before the divorce is final.

2. If I leave and go to an apt does my husband have to help pay rent as I don't hold a job.

No. You will get alimony that will be your income. Do not leave. It is better to just move into a different room. Leaving is considered abandonment in some state. Try to get him to leave.

3. Im in my fifties....how do I get a job with little education???? How do I support myself? Are there places that will help me?

Can't help here.

4. My husband has been putting lots of money away in retirement. Do I lose all that or do we split it?

Once you are married for 20 years you get half of all of his retirement money.

Interview a few different lawyers before you pick one. Before doing anything official, take as much join account money and put it in your name, so you have some money to live on for a while until the court ordered alimony starts.

 

[chell]

Like several people here have said the laws do depend on your state. I hope and pray things work out the best for you and that you can be truely happy.

Maybe your husband will be willing to work with you and make it easier. Luckily for me when I filed there was nothing left to divide between us so mine was simple.

HUGE HUGS for you!!!

 

[Christine]

I can't answer most of your questions but: DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. Meet with an attorney FIRST, and then go if you feel you have to. Once you leave, you really put yourself at a disadvantage. Decide on the divorce/separation and then have the attorney decide who leaves/who stays. Then no one is at a disadvantage.

As for a job--since you say you have no skills, the best thing to do is start looking for a job as a receptionist. Go to a temporary agency. Most companies LOVE to have people your age doing stuff like that. Once you get in the door and you endear yourself to them, you can gradually work up. I subcontract with a very large company and we love the older set applying for jobs. They usually stay on and become admin assistants and do stuff like that. You don't need any special training to start out like that. I think you should start looking right away. Even if you get alimony (which you likely will) they will urge you to find some employment. And it's never too late to start paying into social security so that maybe you can collect some 10 years down the line.

A very good friend of ours got a divorce when she was 50. She never worked during her marriage but knew for a long time the divorce was coming (she waited until the kids got out of school). She had always loved botany, plants, etc. So she started working at a florist shop (just counter help) and she starting picking up floral skills. She also started taking courses at the community college in horticulture. Now she's doing what she loves and for good money. So it can be done!

Good luck to you.

 

[CarolA]

One consideration that has not been raised..

If you are being physically abused or are in danger of physical abuse get out of the house now! Call the police and leave! You can recover from anything but death!

 

[MrsNick]

Why do you "have" to go incognito? These questions are best answered by your attorney, not strangers on a Disney message board. aw: Good luck.

Totally agree with Gepetto. Don't see how any of this would be any of our business.

 

[geffric]

I have no idea about your question but I wanted to say that I am sorry that this has happened to you

 

[Lessa of Pern]

ok, I'll answer those questions...for NY law only, as each state is different.

no, you will not have to see a marriage counselor. you only have to state grounds for divorce and it will be granted.

it's best not to move out of the house until your financial arrangements are made. (while leaving the marital residence would be considered "abandonment" of the marriage -- grounds for divorce -- the courts are more interested in equitable division of property, but you're in a poor bargaining place if you leave the house.) you are entitled to some form of spousal support as well as a division of marital property. in NY we don't call it "alimony" anymore, we call it "maintenance." usually it's temporary, just long enough for the spouse receiving it to get back on his/her feet. since you are older, and presumably haven't worked outside the home in many years, you might be entitled to permanent maintenance.

as for his retirement money --

if you've been married for more than 10 years you are automatically entitled to collect social security under his account. as for IRA's or 401 (k)s, ask your attorney about a QDRO -- that's an order dividing retirement assets earned during the marriage but distributed after divorce.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

Sure, the questions are best answered by an attorney. However, she may not have an attorney yet, and it's good to hear the opinions and advice of our fellow Disers. I'm not saying Dis advice should replace the advice of an attorney but it doesn't hurt to get support and advice from all spectrums available.

Thank YOU!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know the answers to any of your questions. I just wanted to give you a little support post. Feel free to ask anything you want. I am sure, usuall, SOMEONE here has been through it.

 

[ctinct]

I know some of the answers for you from going thru a few close friends divorce. The answers may vary by state and I am not a lawyer, but well read on the subject of divorce.


Not before you seperate (some states have legal seperations and other it is when you no longer live together), but some states require it before the divorce is final.


No. You will get alimony that will be your income. Do not leave. It is better to just move into a different room. Leaving is considered abandonment in some state. Try to get him to leave.


Can't help here.


Once you are married for 20 years you get half of all of his retirement money.

Interview a few different lawyers before you pick one. Before doing anything official, take as much join account money and put it in your name, so you have some money to live on for a while until the court ordered alimony starts.

I think the half of all retirement money might be one of those things that varies by state. I was married 25 years, and I did not get anywhere near half the retirement money. However, I think that acccording to federal law, you will be able to collect social security based on your husband's income, and it will not impact what he will be able to collect at all. If your social security payments were to be higher, I believe he could do the same.

You have been given some great advice as far as not leaving. if there are no abuse issues or anything similar, do not leave.

Also, please be aware that if your money is in a joint account, either spouse can take all the money out without the other's permission. If your spouse has a 401k in his name with you as a beneficiary, he can also close that out. I think if you see a lawyer, he/ she can get automatic orders from the court so that no accounts can be touched. Interview more than one lawyer until you find one you feel comfortable with. Also, resist the urge to be nice. You can be fair but tough; don't give up more than you need to. This is your future you are talking about, and generally the woman's standard of living will go down after a divorce. Good luck. You will get through this regardless of the outcome.