Help me solve my mother situation...LONG vent

[ChisJo]

Took alot of advice, but am still dreading this trip. My mother is a very difficult person to deal with...always has been and always will be. Her attitude and behaviour has been and always will be the same. I don't remember her any other way, and truly I can't imagine her any other way. When I go and visit them (I limit this to once a month or less), I leave in a terrible mood. I hope that away from my step-dad, she softens a bit.

We've already made a plan, and planning on sticking to it. The other day she said that at her age, she doesn't have the energy to go go go, and we said, too bad. If you don't want to, you can go back to the hotel. She also said that she didn't get a room with a kitchen to eat out every night. We said, ok...theres a grocery store down the road for you, but we didn't take time out of our family lives and full time jobs to cook on our holidays.

Because we are going during mothers day, we feel obligated to do something nice for her, so she wanted to go see the Blue Man group, something my sis and me have zero desire to see (I actually have a problem with their blue faces...scares me!), however, my sister got tickets for us to go to make mom happy.

She's agreed to go on all the rides (including TOT - although I wonder if she'll change her mind when she sees it!). She booked a much earlier flight home than us, and we told her she would have to take the shuttle back to the airport as we planned on spending the last morning of our vacation at Harry Potter - she agreed.

I am still dreading things...it will be a challenge. I am the vocal one between my sister and me, so I'm sure I'll fight way more often with my mom than my sister will, but I'll try to be the good daughter. I hope that my mom learns to behave. I just can't handle 10 days of her negativity.

 

[tiggspring]

Personally, I would not let my Mom do that. I would tell her she needs to find her own accomodations, give her a copy of your plans, and tell her they are NOT changing in any way to please her. I would also make it quite clear to her that she was not invited and that in your mind she is a family member who decided to come to Orlando at the same time you would be there, not an invited member of your party.

I know this sounds harsh, but I have a MIL that is like this and after 10 years I have found this is what you have to do or she will walk over your plans and guilt everyone into doing things her way. After as much time and money you have spent on this trip you deserve to have it the way you want, not the way some tag along wants it.

one word ..yep!

 

[tiggspring]

My mother is so bad that the mere mention that we are going away makes her miserable. She hates it when anyone gets a new car, has a baby, buys a house and god forbid goes on vaction! She will talk about these things with distain for weeks or more! My solution... not tell her we were going to WDW until we were on the road and then called when I knew I would most likely out "just letting you know our phones will be off so dont worry". Now I live 11hrs away which makes it much easier to deal with her. I really do like her more now that I can control the info she has about my life. Moving helped me understand how distructive these family relationships really are. I also have a disability which makes it possible that we can make plans and not go. However both trips to WDW were planed a year in advance.

If you are truely dreading this I would change your plans and wait til the last minute to tell her. To those without family like this it may seem mean but nothing is worse than spending thousands of dollars to have the same arguments and problems you have at home..you might want to save the money. For many of us Misery loves company is more than just a cute saying

Good luck!

 

[nikitta28]

dont forget magnets to post that schedule on the fridge at the condo : )

 

[MHSweb79]

But if she is using her points and you accept them, then I do not feel you can exclude her

Exactly. She feels she has a right to come along because she provided the accommodations. And, really, who can argue with that?

The best the OP can do is lay out the expectations and the boundaries well in advance. Hopefully after a day or two at commando speed, Mom will want to spend some quiet time at the condo alone. Especially if one of the rules laid out in advance is, "No complaining about the pace, the heat, the rides, etc."

Blue Man Group sounds like a great idea.

 

[ZehnJahren]

If you find yourself arguing with her when you're at MK for example, say "we're on vacation, and I'm not going to argue. We're heading to Space Mountain; we can split up now and we'll meet you at 6 p.m. in front of Casey's, and we'll grab dinner together and see if we can finish the day better than we started it. Call if you decide to get something earlier."

Nothing at all stops you from separating once you're in the park. Don't argue on vacation - I'd give a warning ("I'm not going to argue today; we have a set plan."), and then put my foot down if that warning wasn't heeded ("We're separating from you for awhile. See you at 6."). Or if she's slow getting out in the morning - "Mom, we're leaving at 7 a.m. to make rope drop. If you want to sleep in, you can grab the next bus at ____ or you can call a cab." Don't give her room to make changes - "Mom, do you want to sleep in in the morning?" should be "Sleeping in means you will miss leaving with us. We can't wait because we're on a schedule."

maybe being left behind would show her that she needs to conform - or, maybe it would give her a nice vacation alone, knowing that her daughters are nearby if she really needs them.

 

[nikitta28]

we'll need a full trip report on this vaca!

 

[twooley2]

My sister and myself have been planning our upcoming trip in May for months. A couple of weeks ago, my mother emailed me that she finally booked her plane tickets to go...she was never invited! She is a cranky, ornery, lazy, grumpy, and an unhappy individual. Don't get me wrong, she does have good qualities, but they have to be sought out at times. We disagree on many topics, and the thought of spending many many many hours non-stop with her is causing me to have heart palpitations, and I am now dreading my trip that we have been scrupulously planning. However, she has booked the tickets, they are non-refundable, and we have expressed our concerns for her choice of a holiday. Of course, she still wants to come.

My mother is in very poor shape and overweight. Walking to the mailbox tires her out (its 6 houses up). She hates hot weather. She hates crowded places. She's impatient. She is incredibly opinionated and will express it quite openly. Can you imagine what she will be like in a crowded theme park, in a hot, humid environment? I've told her if she wants to keep up with the 2 of us, she will need to start exercising as we both will run a tight ship. We've also told her that she has to go on all the rides with us, or she will be waiting a whole bunch for us. She is quite possibly the CHEAPEST person I know, and I know I will hear a bizillion times (and I'm sure she will say this to the CMs), "how much??? Thats ridiculous!", and its killing me!!! She also asked when we get to relax, I replied never. I never relax on a trip to Orlando...except when we go back to our hotel in the afternoon. She's wanting to go to the beach, but my sister and me didn't plan a day for the beach. My sister is in a rotten marriage, and has 2 kids that she is leaving behind to get some time off from her life. I kind of tailored this whole trip around what she wanted, and now we have this misery of my mother.

I've been to Disney 9 times. I've been to USO 8 times. I've been a member of these boards for 10 years, and I've investigated Disney strategies and budgeting for years to help me be able to get to the parks multiple times. She had the nerve to question my planning, and said that she thought she could do it better (she has never been). My step-father looked at her and said, "are you kidding?". Even he gets it.

I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. This trip is causing me pain just thinking about it....has anybody had to go through this before? Any advice???

I suggest solving the issues before you leave. We have taken my mother on three different vacations with us and paid her way entirely. My thought is one day she wont be able to be with us as her time on earth is presumed to be shorter than ours. Is she a pain Yes and Yes. Although in a wheel chair which makes it more of a pain getting on and off the buses and monorail and such. Maybe work with it and get her a ECV for all of the walking as it sounds like she will need it to keep up rather than end up with heat stroke or worse matters. I would try to help her but I have found fighting it makes the vacation worse than helping it. Mothers can be so difficult but maybe try to solve the issues you see with alternative solutions as stated above.

 

[twooley2]

We took my Mom with us when we went and got an ECV for her. She was able to keep up with us with no problem. She enjoyed getting out and the various meals. It was a trip we will all remember.

Try to make it enjoyable for your Mom as well. If you want some together time with your sister, why don't you schedule time for her at one of the spas. I know that traveling with some people can be a real downer, but she sounds lonely, expecially since she is willing to do everything with you.

Get her a camera ahead of time and tell her you expect her to put together a scrap book of your adventures. She'll need a small notebook so she can keep track of what you did and your thoughts. Tell her what you thought of TOT, for example and have her write it down. Have her take pictures of the restaurants and food you eat.

If she complains it is crowded, remark about how popular the place is and have her take a picture so you can show everyone. If something costs too much, have her take a picture and write down the price to put in the scrap book.

She will be so busy keeping track of everything that she will forget about complaining. Make sure you get pictures of her as well, and all of you with the characters. Make her a part of the trip, and have a trip that you will always remember. Keep her in the loop as well, tell her that next thing we are going to do this and give her an idea of what it is. Don't make it seem as though she is just tagging around behind you and your sister and you don't want her there. That's no fun for her.

Sometimes you just don't know what someone is going thru and you can make all the difference for them.

I agree with you 100 percent. We all need to remember our parents aren't as young as us and sometimes need to feel wanted and such. Even when it does not fit the liking it can be made to be enjoyable if done with care. One day you will be old too. Hard to believe but place yourself in her shoes too.

 

[ChattaAlley]

Here I am trying to beg my mom to go with me to "The World". Just her and I. We went last year and had a great time. She is only 58 though so that does make a difference.

My mom and I have a great relationship so I can't imagine having these thoughts about your mother. I do hope it works out.

 

[tiggspring]

We took my Mom with us when we went and got an ECV for her. She was able to keep up with us with no problem. She enjoyed getting out and the various meals. It was a trip we will all remember.

Try to make it enjoyable for your Mom as well. If you want some together time with your sister, why don't you schedule time for her at one of the spas. I know that traveling with some people can be a real downer, but she sounds lonely, expecially since she is willing to do everything with you.

Get her a camera ahead of time and tell her you expect her to put together a scrap book of your adventures. She'll need a small notebook so she can keep track of what you did and your thoughts. Tell her what you thought of TOT, for example and have her write it down. Have her take pictures of the restaurants and food you eat.

If she complains it is crowded, remark about how popular the place is and have her take a picture so you can show everyone. If something costs too much, have her take a picture and write down the price to put in the scrap book.

She will be so busy keeping track of everything that she will forget about complaining. Make sure you get pictures of her as well, and all of you with the characters. Make her a part of the trip, and have a trip that you will always remember. Keep her in the loop as well, tell her that next thing we are going to do this and give her an idea of what it is. Don't make it seem as though she is just tagging around behind you and your sister and you don't want her there. That's no fun for her.

Sometimes you just don't know what someone is going thru and you can make all the difference for them.

I agree with you 100 percent. We all need to remember our parents aren't as young as us and sometimes need to feel wanted and such. Even when it does not fit the liking it can be made to be enjoyable if done with care. One day you will be old too. Hard to believe but place yourself in her shoes too.

Here I am trying to beg my mom to go with me to "The World". Just her and I. We went last year and had a great time. She is only 58 though so that does make a difference.

My mom and I have a great relationship so I can't imagine having these thoughts about your mother. I do hope it works out.

Please look closley at the second paragraph of the op. I realize that those of you with kind motherly moms cant even imagine how difficult it would be to go to WDW with a mother like this. We are talking about way more then some logistics of dealing with age or the constant little annoyences that even close families have. We are talking about a toxic person who makes her daugher have palpatations when she thinks about the trip.... the thought doesnt annoy her it makes her sick This cannot be fixed with a "mom can we please get along"because they enjoy the chaos. So you either ignore it ...which btw often makes it worse...ye'em to death or be miserable.. Consider yourselves blessed to have great mothers who at worst are annoying or need a little more consideration due to their age or health.

OP said "We disagree on many topics, and the thought of spending many many many hours non-stop with her is causing me to have heart palpitations, and I am now dreading my trip that we have been scrupulously planning."

" She hates hot weather. She hates crowded places. She's impatient. She is incredibly opinionated and will express it quite openly. Can you imagine what she will be like in a crowded theme park, in a hot, humid environment? I've told her if she wants to keep up with the 2 of us, she will need to start exercising as we both will run a tight ship. We've also told her that she has to go on all the rides with us, or she will be waiting a whole bunch for us. She is quite possibly the CHEAPEST person I know, and I know I will hear a bizillion times (and I'm sure she will say this to the CMs), "how much??? Thats ridiculous!", and its killing me!!!"

When people show you who they are BELIEVE THEM!!

OP I have two suggestions for making decisions..one I heard on tv and one I have been using for years.

I saw a story on a morning station that talked about making hard decsions. They suggested flipping a coin and instead of using the outcome to decide using how it made you feel about the decsion. Your first instict is unfiltered and most likely to be right. So if heads was mom dosnt come and you felt oh I cant do that..bring her...if your reaction is oh THANK GOD! well... cancel the trip.

What I found works for me is based on the years I worked in hospitals and nursing homes while I got my degree. I was present while several people passed and I began to ask myself "what will I regret more on my deathbed"

Sad to say when I asked this question before my last two trips where I left the phone message ..my answer was not telling my parents beforehand. Why? Because my mother would have made me so miserable that it would be hard to let it go while away...the real victims would have been my kids. So I picked my obligation to be a good wife and mother over my obligation to take my mothers garbarge just because she is my mother. The cycle stops with me.

Hope this helps you make the best decision for you and your sister.







.

 

[ChisJo]

Please look closley at the second paragraph of the op. I realize that those of you with kind motherly moms cant even imagine how difficult it would be to go to WDW with a mother like this. We are talking about way more then some logistics of dealing with age or the constant little annoyences that even close families have. We are talking about a toxic person who makes her daugher have palpatations when she thinks about the trip.... the thought doesnt annoy her it makes her sick This cannot be fixed with a "mom can we please get along"because they enjoy the chaos. So you either ignore it ...which btw often makes it worse...ye'em to death or be miserable.. Consider yourselves blessed to have great mothers who at worst are annoying or need a little more consideration due to their age or health.

OP said "We disagree on many topics, and the thought of spending many many many hours non-stop with her is causing me to have heart palpitations, and I am now dreading my trip that we have been scrupulously planning."

" She hates hot weather. She hates crowded places. She's impatient. She is incredibly opinionated and will express it quite openly. Can you imagine what she will be like in a crowded theme park, in a hot, humid environment? I've told her if she wants to keep up with the 2 of us, she will need to start exercising as we both will run a tight ship. We've also told her that she has to go on all the rides with us, or she will be waiting a whole bunch for us. She is quite possibly the CHEAPEST person I know, and I know I will hear a bizillion times (and I'm sure she will say this to the CMs), "how much??? Thats ridiculous!", and its killing me!!!"

When people show you who they are BELIEVE THEM!!

OP I have two suggestions for making decisions..one I heard on tv and one I have been using for years.

I saw a story on a morning station that talked about making hard decsions. They suggested flipping a coin and instead of using the outcome to decide using how it made you feel about the decsion. Your first instict is unfiltered and most likely to be right. So if heads was mom dosnt come and you felt oh I cant do that..bring her...if your reaction is oh THANK GOD! well... cancel the trip.

What I found works for me is based on the years I worked in hospitals and nursing homes while I got my degree. I was present while several people passed and I began to ask myself "what will I regret more on my deathbed"

Sad to say when I asked this question before my last two trips where I left the phone message ..my answer was not telling my parents beforehand. Why? Because my mother would have made me so miserable that it would be hard to let it go while away...the real victims would have been my kids. So I picked my obligation to be a good wife and mother over my obligation to take my mothers garbarge just because she is my mother. The cycle stops with me.

Hope this helps you make the best decision for you and your sister.

.

Thanks for this...it summed everything up nicely!

I don't want to be like my mom. I've gone through counselling, I educated myself, I've read books about "toxic parents" and how to stop that cycle. It amazes me because my grandmother is amazing. I look to my grandmother more than I do my own mother. She was my rock...not my mom. Every now and then, a piece of my mother comes out of me and it terrifies me. I stop myself rather quickly. Luckily, I don't have kids yet, and I'm not sure I want them (I'm in my mid-30's, my husband is 40).

I wish I had one of those moms that I could talk to, relate to, be with. I've never had a friendship with my mom...in fact, none of her 5 kids do. I truly believe that my mother suffers from bipolarism, she has many of the characteristics of it, but she refuses to see a therapist, to not only see if she has this, but to deal with other personal issues. Instead, she chooses to go to church to deal with her problems. Firstly, I have nothing against religion. It was just hard living in a "christian" home with unchristian parents - kind of taints your perspective a bit.

I still am dreading this trip. It is hard for me to look forward to something that is going to be a disaster.

 

[tiggspring]

Thanks for this...it summed everything up nicely!

I don't want to be like my mom. I've gone through counselling, I educated myself, I've read books about "toxic parents" and how to stop that cycle. It amazes me because my grandmother is amazing. I look to my grandmother more than I do my own mother. She was my rock...not my mom. Every now and then, a piece of my mother comes out of me and it terrifies me. I stop myself rather quickly. Luckily, I don't have kids yet, and I'm not sure I want them (I'm in my mid-30's, my husband is 40).

I wish I had one of those moms that I could talk to, relate to, be with. I've never had a friendship with my mom...in fact, none of her 5 kids do. I truly believe that my mother suffers from bipolarism, she has many of the characteristics of it, but she refuses to see a therapist, to not only see if she has this, but to deal with other personal issues. Instead, she chooses to go to church to deal with her problems. Firstly, I have nothing against religion. It was just hard living in a "christian" home with unchristian parents - kind of taints your perspective a bit.

I still am dreading this trip. It is hard for me to look forward to something that is going to be a disaster.

Im so glad this helped

I too was blessed with wonderul grandparents I think it saved my life. After my parents divorced my Dad became very religious but in his case it gave him an out for everthing important...pray and its fixed. My mom got involved with a gambler who like her was very self involved so in most ways I have been parentless since I was six. Like you my siblings have horrible relationship with my mom. One drinks to cope and the other can only meet with her in public places and alows only supervised visits for her kids. We had hoped being a grandparent would change things it did not

It is hard to explain to those with relatively normal families the guilt you feel making boundries with these type of people. On the one hand you do not want to be selfish or cut them off in case they change. On the other had they will ruin your life if you let them.

You are not alone. I hope you can make a decision that brings you peace down the road and a magical trip in the near future!