Help me out please....

[Tiggerlover91]

....and read this. I need and want honest opinions. Thank you!

http://www.short-fiction.co.uk/newstories/show_story.php?story_id=2820

I appreciate opinions here and there if you're able to post. It hasn't "officially" been added to the website yet, but I can access it being the author. It's more geared toward women of course, but any men who would like to read and/or add suggestions, please do.

Thanks again!

Denise

I have a thread about it, but here's another.

http://www.short-fiction.co.uk/newstories/show_story.php?story_id=2824

 

[Tiggerlover91]

 

[karibritt01]

Excellent short story. I very much enjoyed reading it. The characters were well developed, as was the plot. The ending was very sweet.

I'm not real fond of this line... seems to take away from the moment. (On the beach during their first time.)

"I’ve walked this part of the beach for the year I’ve lived here and know at this time of night no one else is here." Maybe just something along the lines of "There's no one here."

Other than that, the story seems to "flow" very nicely.

Thanks so much for sharing!

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Excellent short story. I very much enjoyed reading it. The characters were well developed, as was the plot. The ending was very sweet.

I'm not real fond of this line... seems to take away from the moment. (On the beach during their first time.)

"I’ve walked this part of the beach for the year I’ve lived here and know at this time of night no one else is here." Maybe just something along the lines of "There's no one here."

Other than that, the story seems to "flow" very nicely.

Thanks so much for sharing!

Thank you! Changes made. You're right, it did take away from the moment once I read it again.

 

[karibritt01]

Much better flow now.

Writing a novel is something I have always considered doing... but never had the nerve to try. Maybe one of these days!

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

"They were eyes that would make a man think twice and a woman not to think at all."
should either be
"They were eyes that would make a man think twice and a woman not at all" or
"They were eyes that would cause a man to think twice and a woman not to think at all."
The other way is not gramatically correct.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

This sentence should have a comma.
"When he put on that suit and tie and pulled back his mane, he definitely made a statement."

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

This sentence should have a comma.
"When he put on that suit and tie and pulled back his mane, he definitely made a statement."

Sorry...I won't correct any more grammar and punctuation stuff even though there are a few other things....the story itself is wonderful.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

This sentence should have a comma.
"When he put on that suit and tie and pulled back his mane, he definitely made a statement."

Sorry...I won't correct any more grammar and punctuation stuff even though there are a few other things....the story itself is wonderful.

No thank you. I'll make the changes and thanks for the compliment.

 

[disneyismyname]

I really enjoyed and loved the story! You did a great job!

 

[suejai]

Sweet story.

I have a couple of suggestions:

- check on the grammar, there are a few minor issues
- I think the word 'baby' is over used. You made a point of their backgrounds, maybe use a word from one of their languages as an endearment.

That's all I can think of, I will have to re-read the story. Overall, I liked it. Keep tweaking.

I think it is very brave of you, I can't even imagine trying to write a story and putting it out for publication. Keep going no matter what anybody says.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Sweet story.

I have a couple of suggestions:

- check on the grammar, there are a few minor issues
- I think the word 'baby' is over used. You made a point of their backgrounds, maybe use a word from one of their languages as an endearment.

That's all I can think of, I will have to re-read the story. Overall, I liked it. Keep tweaking.

I think it is very brave of you, I can't even imagine trying to write a story and putting it out for publication. Keep going no matter what anybody says.

You're not kidding! I used the heck out of that word! All fixed now. Thanks again.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Could really use some more opinions. I've edited a bit, but could use other eyes. In the original post, I edited and added my other story. Read both if you can and let me know. Thanks everyone!

 

[Tiggerlover91]

This will be my last bump as my stories have been "officially" put online. Will some of my other DIS friends let me know what you think about the two I've submitted. The third is in my head, but not quite well put together yet. I appreciate your time and will let this thread die after today.

The story links are on the original post. Thanks again.