Help me before I kill my Teenagers!

[d.kurz]

I am so sick of the fighting. DS16 has just started getting a ride to school. He now leaves the house 20 minutes later than he has all year. This has upset the delicate AM balance around here. DD14 normally waits upstairs until he leaves (mandated to AVOID ANY FIGHTS) and then she gets 20-25 minutes to herself. She makes herself breakfast and watches TV. Now DS16 thinks she should just wait upstairs until HE leaves, giving her a grand total of less than 10 minutes. His reasoning (IF you can call it that):

There are only 7 more school days. She should just suck it up. She and I are "making too big a deal of it". Why should he have to wait on the porch? Something good finally happened to him and we are ruining it.

OMG!!! Is there no end to the self-centeredness!!??? He cannot even SEE any other side. Can't see that ALL of his arguments could be turned around to HER side.

She is not blameless. She brings this up every time he enters her field of vision.

Finally after tonight's screaming match he "GAVE HER HER WAY AS USUAL" and caved. And stormed off to his room, dinner uneaten. The dog ate well, though. 2 burgers and a hot sausage.

I have no idea WHAT I am going to do next year when they are BOTH in High School and departure time is the same....

This is only the latest issue. They ALWAYS have an issue.

How do you deal with YOUR teenagers that don't get along?????

PS....DD just handed me a hand-made card apologizing. GEEZ! What's a mother to do????

 

[jsmith]

Uggh-you have my sympathy.-Mine are farther apart (17 and 14) and the oldest started school early and graduated this spring so we did not have them both going to HS at the same time. However, this is how we have avoided the morning conflict recently-the older one just leaves really early. Since he got his license, and is the level headed one that other parents trust so he has several other guys he picks up so he gets up and gets ready and goes to pick up his freinds and then the little brother has the bathroom and Kitchen to himself.
Sound like you really have a problem (I can not imagine my 17 year old being made enough at me or his brother to be willing to miss meal-or even a snack) These kids need a lesson in not only respecting each other but you as well! I am afraid they would be grounded (and by grounded I mean to school, any sports practices, work and then home to NO COMPUTER, TV, PHONE, CAR, STEREO) until they learned to speak civilly to each other. I have actaully smacked my sons a couple of times for speaking hatefully to each other. My biggest problem is when they fight physically-they are both quite large-6'6" 180 and 6'2" 170 so when they start fighting its really scary-this also gets them grounded. They have finally learned, i think that I am serious-just as the older one is leaving home. (this by the way, has given them a new apprieciation for one another and they spend a lot of time plotting for "when Aaron comes to visit me at Clemson")

 

[d.kurz]

Well, I guess Is hould be glad that they don't get physical. And I think I just might go the grounding route. Thanks for the input, jsmith.

 

[jamsmom]

URGH. I don't have any advice, but want to offer a {{{HUG}}}

 

[Dream]

No advice Dorothy...only have one pre-teen so far....but {{{hugs}}}. Hang in there Mom!! Ya know I understand that ear plugs block a heck of a lot of noise!!!

 

[Jingle]

My kids are 17 and 18. One just graduated from High School, and the other is a Junior.

After going through the experience of having teens, I am a firm believer the there should be MANDOATORY LOCKED DOWN BOARDING SCHOOL for the freshman through senior High School years.

Just Kidding!!!

 

[d.kurz]

Dream and jamsmom: Thanks for the hugs. They help.

Jingle: I was thinking of telling them that one of them would have to go to Boarding School, but they would have to hash out which one went. It would be interesting to see what they came up with. Possibly a peaceable solution, I think. LOL!! Add to this that Valley Forge military Academy is in our area...... Of course, they don't take GIRLS!!

 

[Jingle]

Oh My! If my two had to decide which one would go, I really wonder how it would come out!! Funny how they can stick up for each other when someone from the outside does something not so nice to one of them.

If I had to go through the last few years again I don't know how I would do it! But, it does get better as they get older.

 

[kinlaw6450]

In my house the year I graduated...it was me the oldest and strongest willed at 17...next my 16, 14, 13 and 11 sister sister brother sister ...

I feel your pain as I am sure my mother does!!! Your house sounds like our morning ritual did! BUT we are ALL the best of friends now and get together frequently just to hang out.

 

[TIdoublegaER]

I didn't really have this problem growing up since I am 7 & 8 years older than my brother and sister. But my sibs, who are 18 mo apart, used to fight like cats and dogs. There was one time in HS that my brother (he's the youngest) told everyone at school that our sister had died and that the girl everyone thought was his sister was a cousin!! Needless to say my sister was a little upset. My mom used to put the 2 of them in a room together and told them to hash it out and not come out until they could speak civil to each other. They would mainly complain about mom, so that helped to smooth things over. I'm soooo glad I was already out of the house by then. Of course I will get mine in a few years. My oldest just turned 11 and the drama has already started.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Maybe there is hope for you. I have a freshman DS and junior DD. They used to fight a good deal until this year. Now that they are in high school together and both in the band together, they get along so much better. It may be an "us against them" situation, but the fighting has definitely decreased. DS wants DD to get a car so she can drive them both to school. He lobbies for it with us on DD's behalf. They have really started to get along this year.

Good luck to you.

 

[4greatboys]

I feel your pain! My 2 oldest are 15 (16 in Sept) and 13 and if one's not starting some crap then the other one is. I normally end up a screaming idiot because somedays they I believe they are going to drive me insane. Our mornings arent to bad since my oldest gets up about 5 minutes before the car pulls out of the drive and once up doesnt speak.
But after school the like to fight or on the weekend. It mostly happens when my 13 yr old gets bored--he starts a lot of stuff then.
I normally send each one to their own room so they cant see or speak to each other and I cant see them either.

 

[Pop Daddy]

dont fight the feeling anymore, kill him, you can make another son

 

[Buz]

Bury them in the back yard, dig them up when they go to college.

Three boys, 19, 17, 12. They used to fight something awful. Once I forbid them to talk to each other since they were sniping all the time. Lasted for a couple days, then they apologized. Was nice and quiet.

Then once, I made them hug to make up. That stopped the overt stuff. Now I hear them hitting each other and grunting from the impacts. At least they don't yell any more.

Now it is quiet when the oldest is off to college. Can't wait for September.....

Buz

 

[mom2boys]

Originally posted by Pop Daddy
dont fight the feeling anymore, kill him, you can make another son

Now PopDaddy, your parents let you live through your teen years & if your attitude now is any indication of what you were like as a teen... well, your parents probably deserve a medal. (all in fun please don't take offense)
My 9 yr old narked on his 8 yr old brother because he was blow drying himself after his bath. (He blow dries his body - not his hair - no towels just drip/blow dry.)

 

[MICKEY88]

I agree with jsmith ...I would regain control now before things get worse.....if the problem started with DS getting a ride, I'd tell him if he can't be civil with DD he can go back to riding the bus again...I've found it's amazing how cooperative teens can be when they realize what you can take away if they don't listen..
it's not easy to do, the hardest part of parenting is saying no, and seeing the look of hurt on the face of a child, no matter what age.., but it's the parents responsibility to set boundaries and stick to them with consistancy, otherwise kids will push the limits relentlessly to see how far they can go..

 

[d.kurz]

Thanks for all the replies. Last night we had a long talk and this AM was good! I told them they needed to speak civilly to each other and me, too. OR the grounding would begin. I'll keep you posted!

Pop Daddy made me LOL!

I normally end up a screaming idiot because somedays they I believe they are going to drive me insane.

Yup, that's me.

but it's the parents responsibility to set boundaries and stick to them with consistancy, otherwise kids will push the limits relentlessly to see how far they can go..

Yup again.....I WILL take control.

My 9 yr old narked on his 8 yr old brother because he was blow drying himself after his bath. (He blow dries his body - not his hair - no towels just drip/blow dry.)

LOL!!! That's funny!!!

Then once, I made them hug to make up. That stopped the overt stuff. Now I hear them hitting each other and grunting from the impacts. At least they don't yell any more.

Grunting from the impact and not yelling while punching....that's GOOD!!!

Thanks again!

 

[piratesmate]

Ummmm, I got interrupted earlier but I was going to post essentially what Mickey88 said. Tell him he has 3 choices: he can go back to riding the bus, wait on the porch, or just learn to get along. Since this situation is most likely NOT the fault of only one of them, I'd come up with 3 choices for her also...including for her to get up & finish before he needs to get ready.

Perhaps a letter from you to each/both of them telling them how all of this makes you feel would be helpful. I don't know about you, but I tend to get emotional face-to-face. I find, though, that if I take the time to write out what I want to say and go back & edit I can usually lay things out clearly without all the emotional baggage. Tell them you love them & refuse to choose between them. Also tell them that this is what they're attempting to do. Lay out ground rules that work for you & tell them to find a way work into them.

In the meantime, {{{HUGS}}} to you.

Deb

 

[nativetxn]

Thank you for showing me that there <i>is</i> a silver lining to everything. I have always been so sad that I only had one child. Little did I know what "joys" I missed by not having another child.

I never had to deal with situations like this. You need to appeal to their new "maturity" next year. If they are as grown up as they think they are, they should be able to find a way to work this out. They <i>choose</i> to argue before school, right now. They could just as easily choose <i>not</i> to argue.

I used to use that old, "you are basically an adult, Travis, do you believe this is adult behavior?" and it worked more often than not.

Good luck!

 

[d.kurz]

Originally posted by nativetxn
Thank you for showing me that there <i>is</i> a silver lining to everything. I have always been so sad that I only had one child. Little did I know what "joys" I missed by not having another child.

I never had to deal with situations like this. You need to appeal to their new "maturity" next year. If they are as grown up as they think they are, they should be able to find a way to work this out. They <i>choose</i> to argue before school, right now. They could just as easily choose <i>not</i> to argue.

I used to use that old, "you are basically an adult, Travis, do you believe this is adult behavior?" and it worked more often than not.

Good luck!

I am glad to have shown you the silver lining, nativetxn. And I love the "adult behavior" idea...

Also like the letter idea, piratesmom!

Boy, those 2 aren't gonna know what hit 'em!