Help from Teen moms

[saratogadreamin09]

I would go up to the girl one last time and say "The things you are saying about your brother and I are not true. Please stop."

If it continues (I'm sure it will...) I would take a friend on the softball team who has heard what E has said firsthand...and I would go straight to E's mother. "Mrs. _____, over the last few weeks E has been telling students at school and on the softball team that your son and I ________ and ________ and ________ and _____ (be very descriptive ). This is all a lie, and I am very hurt that she would spread rumors like that, especially about your son. I've asked her to please stop, but she has refused. Can you help me? I was told to go to the Dean, but I thought maybe I should talk to you before it goes that far."


Don't hold back, tell her exactly what her daughter has said...many parents are SHOCKED to hear what comes out of their darling childrens' mouthes . I have the feeling that if you take her totally by surprise, and are supported by another member of the team, things will fix themselves...


If there is one more problem after that, I would go STRAIGHT to the dean. It's not "telling" on her, cause guess what....it's not kindergarten anymore. Now it's disrespectful and rude and completely uncalled for. I always thought "girls will be girls" and "oh, that's just how teenagers are" was a load of crap, because my friends and I were never like that. The girl is old enough and smart enough to shut her mouth and fix her behavior. If she can't, then there should be some serious consequences.

Good luck!

J is not her brother, he's her brother's best friend

The other problem is none of my friends have head themselves what she has said and I only have 2 or 3friends on the team and she has 10 or 11!!!!!!!!!! (a lot of people like her, why? I have no idea) If i say anything to the dean then she might just get more people to talk against me

 

[ilandrazdsw]

I'm not a mom to a teen, but I taught middle school and a lot of the teen girls in my neighborhood have "adopted" DH and I so here goes my advice...bean her with the softball...ok, not really, just thought maybe you could use a laugh. Sounds like she has a whole lot of jealousy going on when it comes to you and J. Now J knows E's "ways" right? I am guessing the rest of the school may also know. Usually a uh, "not nice girl" is pretty easy to spot. It hurts when she says stuff to you and tells flat out lies, but by breaking up your friendship she has won. Is it at all possible to talk to J and renew your friendship? Even if it is outside of school. It may be easier to deal with the taunting if you know the truth...that you and J are stronger than ever. It is very hard to ignore the lies and rumors, but that is what adults have to do on a daily basis in the community, work, etc. at 14 you should be having fun and bot having to take the high road, but these days kids do grow up a lot quicker than even 10 years ago.

IMHO, your coach needs to step up and realize what is going on with his players and put a stop to it. Not that it would help the situation outside of the field, but at least you could focus on your game. maybe the next time E starts with you, you could get the coach's attention and point out how she is treating you. Are there other players on the team that could attest to how she is treating you?

Do you have a guidance counselor at your school? Or does the Dean sill the same purpose? Could you say something on a more personal level to the Dean? Not really tattle, but explain your situation and ask if s/he can just keep an eye out.

Wish I could offer more advice, but you sound that you are handling this with maturity. You are also doing probably the best thing and sharing your concerns with your mom! Good Luck to you.
As much as I hate this phrase it usually ends up being true...this too shall pass.

 

[NMAmy]

Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've gotten a ton of good advice. I'd be sure to keep talking to your mom, particularly if this escalates. Please don't let that nasty girl run you off the softball team. I know how hard this is and I really feel for you, kiddo.

 

[saratogadreamin09]

I'm not a mom to a teen, but I taught middle school and a lot of the teen girls in my neighborhood have "adopted" DH and I so here goes my advice...bean her with the softball...ok, not really, just thought maybe you could use a laugh. Sounds like she has a whole lot of jealousy going on when it comes to you and J. Now J knows E's "ways" right? I am guessing the rest of the school may also know. Usually a uh, "not nice girl" is pretty easy to spot. It hurts when she says stuff to you and tells flat out lies, but by breaking up your friendship she has won. Is it at all possible to talk to J and renew your friendship? Even if it is outside of school. It may be easier to deal with the taunting if you know the truth...that you and J are stronger than ever. It is very hard to ignore the lies and rumors, but that is what adults have to do on a daily basis in the community, work, etc. at 14 you should be having fun and bot having to take the high road, but these days kids do grow up a lot quicker than even 10 years ago.

IMHO, your coach needs to step up and realize what is going on with his players and put a stop to it. Not that it would help the situation outside of the field, but at least you could focus on your game. maybe the next time E starts with you, you could get the coach's attention and point out how she is treating you. Are there other players on the team that could attest to how she is treating you?

Do you have a guidance counselor at your school? Or does the Dean sill the same purpose? Could you say something on a more personal level to the Dean? Not really tattle, but explain your situation and ask if s/he can just keep an eye out.

Wish I could offer more advice, but you sound that you are handling this with maturity. You are also doing probably the best thing and sharing your concerns with your mom! Good Luck to you.
As much as I hate this phrase it usually ends up being true...this too shall pass.

Funny you should mention that. Last week I was in the batting cages and she wasv throwing the balls to me and I actually nailed her in the stomach. I actually felt really bad. She was ok though

My other problem is she has A LOT of friends. There are some girls that see right through her "Act" but most of the girls think shes great and want to be with her. I just dont get it

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Funny you should mention that. Last week I was in the batting cages and she wasv throwing the balls to me and I actually nailed her in the stomach. I actually felt really bad. She was ok though

My other problem is she has A LOT of friends. There are some girls that see right through her "Act" but most of the girls think shes great and want to be with her. I just dont get it

Nice hit...technically speaking, of course.

My guess would be that her "friends" are there cause others think she is cool and they will be cool by association. I am 32 and wouldn't go back to being a teen again for anything...too brutal...give my Dh and my kids anyday .

I still think you should try to regain your friendship with J!

My SIL had some issues with people talking about her having an affair on her DH. I told her to start her own nasty rumor about herself cause by the time it got back to her it would be that she was deeply in love with her DH (hopefully the truth).

Good luck with everything. Be the better person...or at least the better hitter

 

[momofrrr]

I am the Mom of two teenage girls and here is my advice - first off - I think that keeping a journal of your conversations with this girl is really important because it never hurts to have things documented but you have to be honest about what she says and what you say in return. 2nd - you need to tell an adult, a teacher or someone at your school with authority, they need to know what is going on even if they don't do anything about it right now. 3rd - do not quit softball because of her, she would win but it would not stop her from bullying you and that is exactly what she is doing. You have to take the high road and let her be the petty, childish one in this. Don't stoop to her level by responding to her and don't give her the time of day or waste your breath or energy on her. Think of your happy place! Stay strong, this too shall pass.....

 

[saratogadreamin09]

Nice hit...technically speaking, of course.

My guess would be that her "friends" are there cause others think she is cool and they will be cool by association. I am 32 and wouldn't go back to being a teen again for anything...too brutal...give my Dh and my kids anyday .

I still think you should try to regain your friendship with J!

My SIL had some issues with people talking about her having an affair on her DH. I told her to start her own nasty rumor about herself cause by the time it got back to her it would be that she was deeply in love with her DH (hopefully the truth).

Good luck with everything. Be the better person...or at least the better hitter

Thanks A lot of what you just said was some really good points

 

[Moeluv4u7]

Aww Sweetie! Okay, I have teens and young ones
My DD is 12 (13 in May) and my 2 oldest boys are 16 & 17...
My 17 year old had a similar situation happen last year w/ a "friend" of his that was opposite sex-
I will tell you first, everyone who is telling you to tell someone- Yes, do! I am very disappointed to hear your coach didn't see the need to do anything- not a positive move!
Second, my son had the same reaction towards his friend when rumors started flying- I asked him if he and this girl were engaged in any of these things or if anyone could have seen something that made them think he was... (& he would tell me) He said No! - I asked if he was true friends with this girl or if she was just an acquaintance that he spoke to ocassionally at different school functions- She is a true friend, she did have a crush on him and he just wanted to be friends- (you didn't say how "J" felt about your friendship) - I told my son he wasn't really being fair to himself or the girl and he wasn't being a true friend if people's comments made him not want to be friends- He said he did want to be friends with her (the comments embarrassed him more than anything) I told him that he should pick up his friendship and be a FRIEND to the girl and confront the couple of kids who started these rumors- He did w/ his friend there- He told the offenders that he & "E" (ironically her initial) were friends and would always be friends and if they wanted to spread rumors because their lives were that dull he hoped they would continue to have fun doing so but as far as he was concerned they weren't really his friends or hers and he didn't care what they thought...
He & the girl are friends but not as close as before now because she has started to push for more than friendship (this is a year later) again, it has made him uncomfortable) so he hangs with her as a group and not hanging out alone anymore- He truly likes her friendship- they are in a few clubs together as well as classes and he is close friends with her brother as well- (My son is also popular in school, he plays quite a few sports very well and is always on the dean's list) Kids look up to him and so when he says things many of the kids do respect him-
I would confront the friend you have, "J", and ask him about the friendship you all have- let him know you are hurt that these vicious rumors being said by this girl had that affect on your friendshipand his feeling about your friendship- Then, confront her- you can be the one to stand up even if it is with an adult present- "these are the things you are saying which aren't true and I want you to stop!" I am sure she is a petty person to even be doing this but the key is to make her feel small in what she is doing- Please, how pathetic must her life be and also - what does her brother think about this? I mean if he is friends with "J" as well?
Good Luck! I hope "J" values your friendship and will step up with you and continue your friendship- If not, get this girl off your back by just outing her pathetic comments and why she is so involved in your life- She is jealous of you- Just make a comment that you like when people talk about you- If she wants to make you a celebrity, you will gladly comply- Oh! & by the way, today I will be... at 4 PM, if you don't want to miss it bring a camera-" etc - Let her know it DOESN'T bother you and sahe will soon stop- especially if you embarrass her-

 

[micheleq]

Hang in there! I have two little girls, but I taught middle school and high school for several years, and coached, so I know how rough girls can be.

My best advice is to not let her get to you -- that's why kids bully. They do it because it creates a reaction and lets them feel like they have control and power over you. If she sees you are not reacting to her nasty comments, eventually, they will stop. If you confront her, esp. in front of the other girls she is trying to impress by bullying you, she might be so shocked that it will stop altogether.

I remember in sixth grade, when I was 12, a boy on the bus was taunting me for weeks. Our moms were friends, and I was very hurt and shy about it. One day, I got off the bus, called his name and when he turned around I slapped him across the face! He was so shocked he didn't know what to do. From then on he was nice and sweet to me. Now, DON'T DO THAT! But, you get the idea -- stand up for yourself. It will be hard, but it will give you the power and the control in this situation. And you'll feel so brave and proud of yourself. You don't need to get into a screaming match with her, be calm, make your case, then move on.

So, ignore her comments or tell her she must not have a life of her own if she needs to focus so much on your life. And keep talking to your mom. I am disappointed that your coach didn't get involved, that's part of what coaches should do. If you have any counselors, like the priest at your school, also talk to them in private. They are trained to listen to you, and to help you figure out what is best in this situation.

Good luck. Sending you a big hug!!!

 

[HeatherC]

My guess is that she feels intimidated by you and acts like a bully to cover up her own insecurities.

Maybe you could talk to her one on one in a very quiet way and ask her why she feels she has to keep saying stuff about you. Just come right out and ask her if there is something you may have said or done to upset her. If she says, yes, simply apologize and tell her you hope you can be friends. If she says no, just tell her you hope you can still be friends anyway.

Sometimes when people like this are put on the spot they react very differently. She may wind up thinking about it and toning down her outbursts that are directed at you.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Normangirls]

Being a teenager, I know you may find this hard to believe, but if you asked those of us who are in our 30's and 40's if we'd like to be 16 again, we'd say -- not on your life!

First of all, you have mentioned a few times that this is a "popular" girl with lots of friends. But she's not popular, not really. She's just a bully, and that means she's aggressive and pushy about getting her way. She's not popular in the good sense of the word. She's more notorious, with lots of hangers-on.

You have had tons of good advice shared with you here, and WOW -- good for you for asking for it! You notice how much of it centers around standing up for yourself? This is one hard lesson to learn. No one really likes confrontation, but believe me it feels much better to stand up to someone (get up in their face if you need to) than to let this kind of thing go on and on and on.

You can do it. It may not be like in the movies, where everyone suddenly sees her for the evil little brat she is, but you will feel better for having done it. Handle yourself with grace, dignity and maturity, and you will be proud of yourself. We're already proud of you!

 

[ilandrazdsw]

You can do it. It may not be like in the movies, where everyone suddenly sees her for the evil little brat she is, but you will feel better for having done it. Handle yourself with grace, dignity and maturity, and you will be proud of yourself. We're already proud of you!