Help from parents of teen girls

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Before this thread gets ugly, just remember everyone has different beliefs on how to raise kids.

Look at me, I'm moderating myself

 

[Boston Tea Party]

Well i'm 45, so I have BEEN 16/17 and spent the night at houses with girls and boys, not all of us have uncontrollable hormones, believe it or not some girls have boys as friends without any other benefits

Darn. Can't pull the age card on you.


I guess I am conservative, but that situation just isn't "ok" to me. Kids that age need supervision. (It appears that there would be no supervision that evening at all.) It's a non-negotiable for me and DH.

 

[Nie0214]

That will go over like a lead balloon and make you look crazy like Mrs. Kravitz who is into everyone's business.

I think that's inevitable now that the youth pastor knows and will be talking to the girl.

When I was in high school ALL of my best friends were male. I had one friend that was female. Guys are just easier to hang out with at that age, the girls always had drama. 9:30pm is also really early for a teen. Granted, I'm asleep by 10:30pm now, but in high school, 9:30pm was dinner time.

 

[Castlebound]

When I was in high school ALL of my best friends were male. I had one friend that was female. Guys are just easier to hang out with at that age, the girls always had drama. 9:30pm is also really early for a teen. Granted, I'm asleep by 10:30pm now, but in high school, 9:30pm was dinner time.

I had many guy friends when I was in high school also. I hung out alone with them all the time and we never did anything. I take that back, one of my guy friends and I kissed once just to see if there was anything more there. It felt totally wrong and we were able to laugh about it after.

 

[ckay87]

Before this thread gets ugly, just remember everyone has different beliefs on how to raise kids.

Look at me, I'm moderating myself

That's true and it points right to the reason that situations like this are difficult. The girls' parents could have fully known where their daughters were and were fine with it. I've seen my kids' friends have all kinds of freedoms that I wouldn't be okay allowing for my own kids. In situations where I actually think the kids are sneaking around or endangering themselves without permission, doing illegal things, I'd intervene. I wouldn't be sure that this was the case here. But again, it's tough.

 

[sbell111]

That's true and it points right to the reason that situations like this are difficult. The girls' parents could have fully known where their daughters were and were fine with it. I've seen my kids' friends have all kinds of freedoms that I wouldn't be okay allowing for my own kids. In situations where I actually think the kids are sneaking around or endangering themselves without permission, doing illegal things, I'd intervene. I wouldn't be sure that this was the case here. But again, it's tough.

To me, this is an argument FOR calling the girls' parents.

If they know what, where, and with whom, thre will be no angst. If they do not, then they can handle the situation before something untoward happens.

 

[RadioNate]

Yes, they were 16 and 17 and spending the night without adult supervision.


Have you been 16/17? Or are you currently a teenager and in denial about the effects that teenage hormones have on judgement?

How do you know they were spending the night? Because they were there at 930? They could have left at 10 for all you know????

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Did your DH see something weird going on?

When I was 17 most of my friends were guys and it wouldn't be unusual for me to hang out with them. It was only 9:30, not a time that would seem after curfew for a 17 year old.

I mean if you want to tattle on someone, I guess it would be to ask the grandma if she said it was ok for the boys to have girls over at her house...but otherwise I don't see an issue.

I know. I don't see where the kids were in "danger" or doing anything that seemed odd. Sounded like a bunch of friends hanging out.

 

[sbell111]

I know. I don't see where the kids were in "danger" or doing anything that seemed odd. Sounded like a bunch of friends hanging out.

It certainly may have been completely innocent, but it might not have been. Why take the chance? Let the girls' parents make that call.

I know that if one of those girls were my daughter that I would rather get the call and tell someone that I knew what was going on and that it wasn't a big deal than not get teh call and it be a BIG deal.

 

[NotUrsula]

DH pulls grandson aside and asks if she is the only girl and he says no another girl(15) who is also a friend of DD is in the back of the house. Dh comes home and calls neighbor and tells her. If it was my DD would want to know, these girls could have been putting themselves in danger, what do I do do I talk to them, do I tell them they need to tell their parents, I dont know what to do.

There are so many levels of insult in this that I'm wincing. "Danger" is a pretty strong word to be tossing around in this scenario. You insulted the character of the young men, and the character AND intelligence of the young women, on apparently no grounds whatsover other than their mere presence in the same building.

In *danger* of what, exactly? Being raped, or being publicly labeled a tramp by neighbors who let their thoughts and apparently their mouths run away with them, as evidenced by a call to a pastor? Unless your DH personally observed indicators that an orgy was in progress, that the girls were there against their will, were under the influence, or that one or more of the young men in question had a known history of sexual predation, there was no reason to conclude that the young ladies might have been in any kind of danger there.

FWIW, I think that your being concerned with their welfare was commendable, but your way of expressing that concern and acting upon it was unfortunate. Calling the neighbor to say that you had spoken to the young men and ladies and that they appeared to have everything they needed would have been plenty. If she had issues with the presence of females then she could have acted upon that.

It never fails to amaze me that in looking at teens and the issue of their sexual behavior, so many adults seem to think that there is something magical about the time of night. Think back to what it felt like to be that age. There is no clock-trigger on hormones; if they want to have sex they don't have to wait until a certain time of night to do it, and most often don't. Ask anyone who works with pregnant teens; the most common time for impulsive sexual activity with that age group is afternoon.

Also, BTW, why is the pastor talking to the girl and not the boys? After all, if *she* was using bad judgment, were they not also?

 

[wvjules]

The only thing you should have done was to call back the GPs to let them know the boys made it there safely and they had company and leave it at that.

Girls hanging out with boys unsupervised *gasp* doesn't make them trashy, slutty, or anything of the kind.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

If someone had called my mother when I used to have group coed sleepovers with my guy friends from high school, my mother would have thought they were insane for calling.

Maybe they had hormones, but they also weren't wild animals. If they had any feelings for me or the other few girls there, they were mature enough to keep them in check.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It certainly may have been completely innocent, but it might not have been. Why take the chance? Let the girls' parents make that call.

I know that if one of those girls were my daughter that I would rather get the call and tell someone that I knew what was going on and that it wasn't a big deal than not get teh call and it be a BIG deal.

Because you look like a crazy parent. We have one of those in my dd's group of friends.

Is that who you want to be known as?

It is not your business who is sleeping over at your neighbor's.

 

[sbell111]

Because you look like a crazy parent. We have one of those in my dd's group of friends.

Is that who you want to be known as?

It is not your business who is sleeping over at your neighbor's.

It became the OP's business when she was drafted to look in on them by their parents.

Also, just because the boy's parents don't have a problem with the girls being there doesn't mean that the girl's parents would agree. By letting them know of the situation, they have the ability to take action, or not.

 

[Wishing on a star]

IMHO, parents/grandparents completely out of town...
Unsupervised teenagers, apparently settled in for the night...

That is really on the fence...

The 17-18 year olds...
Unless there is some kind of wild party, (drinking,drugs, etc...) I am with the "stay out of it" camp.

But, IMHO, and some may disagree, the fact that there were 15 year old's there, (at least one 15 year old girl) that really starts to put it over the fence.

I know that, under NO circumstances would my 15 year old child be anywhere late at night, possibly overnight, with no parents or adult oversight. To me, that is cause for concern.

If this 15 year old were a 'friend' of my DD, I might want to try to discern what was going on, what her plans were for the evening, etc... I am just trying to think this thing thru and brainstorm on how I might handle it. Could the OP's daughter give her a call on her cell??? Does the DD know enough to know whether or not this girls parents would be 'okay' with this situation? And, if not, I might assume that they might not know, and could be one of the "I absolutely would want to know if it were my child". So, I would definitely at least consider calling the 15 year olds parents.

I would not impose responsibility onto the 'drinking' homeowner/grandparent. (though, in most cases, if something were to happen to these kids, I feel that the law absolutely WOULD hold the homeowner/grandparent responsible) I would have informed them of the group of teens that were currently at their house.. and left it at that. How they feel about it, and how they deal with the info is up to them. Not really my business.

I would most definitely NOT contact any church/youth minister/etc...
IMHO, that is crossing a line. Way crossing a line.

 

[SandrA9810]

You can only protect so much. By 17 it's too late to be having talks about what's right or wrong. By that age thier going to make up thier own mind on what they believe is right for them. You can only hope that these kids had enough sense in them to do what was right.

You can only teach for so long, eventually you have to let go and see that they make the right choices. And unless you plan on having your kids live at home till their 30... 17/18 is a good time to let them make choices for themselves.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It became the OP's business when she was drafted to look in on them by their parents.

Also, just because the boy's parents don't have a problem with the girls being there doesn't mean that the girl's parents would agree. By letting them know of the situation, they have the ability to take action, or not.

No it didn't. How does looking in to make sure they are there translate into getting into people's business?

How would you like some parent ringing you up telling you your parenting is wrong? Or tattling on your child when you knew they were over there? It makes you look like a meddling crazy person.

And have you read the OP's posts where she states that the parents probably would not care. That is the most important post there. The bolded part is where you should take notice.

Dh went by the church this morning both girls go to church with us, he spoke with the youth pastor to see what to do, the youth pastor was actually drib=ving one of the girls to camp today and he was going to talk to her about it(her mom is one that her DD does nothing wrong,) and are about to be our new neighbors and the other girl gets away with everything so I may just talk to them about the situation and how dangerous it could be.

What is so ironic is that tey all just went through a purity class at church

 

[saratogadreamin09]

Yes, they were 16 and 17 and spending the night without adult supervision.


Have you been 16/17? Or are you currently a teenager and in denial about the effects that teenage hormones have on judgement?

I know way too many teens to know that girls and boys hanging out doesnt mean sex *gasp*. Im 14 and I have preobably close to 10 guy friends that I hang out with and guess what?, nothing has ever happened betwen us GASP GASP GASP