Help from parents of teen girls

[kymmyk13]

I need some help, let me tell you the story. Last night around 9:30 our neighbor calls, she is at her lake house but her grandson and some of his friends are headed to her house to spend the night, can we please make sure they get there and everyhting is alright. So DH heads over there knocks on the door and there are 6 teenage boys and 1 girl(17) and she happens to be a firned of my daughters, DH pulls grandson aside and asks if she is the only girl and he say no another girl(15) who is also a friend of DD is in the back of the house. Dh comes home and calls neighbor and tells her. If it was my DD would want to know, these girls could have been putting themselves in danger, what do I do do I talk eto them, do I tell them they need to tell their parents, I dont know what to do.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Ugh, what a mess.

I'd be pretty angry with my neighbor for pulling me into their mess, first of all.

I would call the parent of the daughter and tell them she was there last night; if the parent blows it off, then you know what you're dealing with.

If the parent gets mad at you, then again, you know what you're dealing with.

If the parent grounds that girl until she's 30, then job well done.

 

[krcit]

Ugh, what a mess.

I'd be pretty angry with my neighbor for pulling me into their mess, first of all.

I would call the parent of the daughter and tell them she was there last night; if the parent blows it off, then you know what you're dealing with.

If the parent gets mad at you, then again, you know what you're dealing with.

If the parent grounds that girl until she's 30, then job well done.

I agree. I always think in these situations "Would I want to know if that was my dd?" The answer is absolutely. Like Kickapop said-if the parents respond negatively, then at least you did the right thing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Did the owner of the house know that these girls were going to be there? I know your DH told her. What did she say?

Personally it is up to the owner to take charge of the situation with her own son.

As far as dealing with the girls, should you tell their mom's? How well do you know them? Are any of the boys that stayed the night the girlfriends of any of the boys?

I guess for me, it will boil down to how well you know the parents of the girls.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I also have to add, my daughter and I would be sitting down to have a loooooong talk about what she thinks about a friend who goes over to a boy's house unsupervised.

Your daughter needs to know in no uncertain terms that that other girl's behavior is both bad and won't be tolerated in your household (or whatever your opinion of the situation is-that would be mine).

Too many times I think teenagers see adults do nothing and take it as tacit approval of the behavior.

My kids would not only be told of what was going on over at the neighbor's house, they'd also be very clear on what would be the consequences if she ever thought of doing the same thing.

 

[kymmyk13]

I do not think the neighbor knew the girls were going to be there.. but she also had too much to drink last night (not uncommon). I have talked to my DD18 several times today about the situtation and she told me several times to calm down because she knows better then to do something like that and she was in bed when all this was going on.
Dh went by the church this morning both girls go to church with us, he spoke with the youth pastor to see what to do, the youth pastor was actually drib=ving one of the girls to camp today and he was going to talk to her about it(her mom is one that her DD does nothing wrong,) and are about to be our new neighbors and the other girl gets away with everything so I may just talk to them about the situation and how dangerous it could be.

What is so ironic is that tey all just went through a purity class at church

 

[saratogadreamin09]

First, do you have proof that anything was going on?

Second, you should have called the girl's parents

 

[Val]

My DDs are 11, 17 and 21....I also have a DS13. there is NO way my DDs or DSs would be allowed in a situation like that......no matter how much talking or purity ceremonies,etc. have been done, when hormones take over, they take over. Analogy: Walking down a street with $100 bills falling out of your pocket....who wouldn't be tempted to grab a few!

We often do have groups of teens at our house for foreign film nights (they are speech/debate teams and are weird!).....sometimes it is mostly one gender. BUT, the difference is that WE are home and in the same or very next room (and if we are in the living room we come into the kitchen/family room FREQUeNTLy to restock our snack/drink supply!).

And, most importantly. IF you caught my child in a situation as you described, PLEASE call me! I promise to count to 1000 before screaming, and to attempt to handle it rationally, but this is a "it takes a village" situation- an ounce of prevention is a pregnancy prevented!

And to think those of us with teens thought the terrible 2's were the worst!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I do not think the neighbor knew the girls were going to be there.. but she also had too much to drink last night (not uncommon). I have talked to my DD18 several times today about the situtation and she told me several times to calm down because she knows better then to do something like that and she was in bed when all this was going on.
Dh went by the church this morning both girls go to church with us, he spoke with the youth pastor to see what to do, the youth pastor was actually drib=ving one of the girls to camp today and he was going to talk to her about it(her mom is one that her DD does nothing wrong,) and are about to be our new neighbors and the other girl gets away with everything so I may just talk to them about the situation and how dangerous it could be.

What is so ironic is that tey all just went through a purity class at church

Based on this info, I would keep my mouth shut.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Based on this info, I would keep my mouth shut.

Yeah, it's going to get ugly, fast. My first instinct was to tell the parents of the girls, my second (and lasting) instinct is to be seriously protective of my own daughters in regards to these kids.

You know my dad got on the board of directors at his condo just so he could grandfather in his dog, and the kids who were on the SADD (students against drunk driving) committee in my high school were the biggest drunks around. The girls who flaunted the purity rings-yeeeeep, you guessed it. It was like a magnet for boys-the girls may as well have had tramp stamps on their heinies, it sent the same message.

Many, many people use "joining" as a shield, they think it somehow hides their behavior.

 

[tmarquez]

Did your DH see something weird going on?

When I was 17 most of my friends were guys and it wouldn't be unusual for me to hang out with them. It was only 9:30, not a time that would seem after curfew for a 17 year old.

I mean if you want to tattle on someone, I guess it would be to ask the grandma if she said it was ok for the boys to have girls over at her house...but otherwise I don't see an issue.

 

[PooohBear]

I don't see what the problem is exactly ? because there were girls there with boys alone or ?? my DD hangs out with boys all the time and that doesn't mean anything is going on

I guess it would depend on the girls, i'm sure they shouldn't be alone in the house, but I certainly wouldn't jump to conclusions

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't see what the problem is exactly ? because there were girls there with boys alone or ?? my DD hangs out with boys all the time and that doesn't mean anything is going on

I guess it would depend on the girls, i'm sure they shouldn't be alone in the house, but I certainly wouldn't jump to conclusions

Can you imagine the fallout to the OP?

OP I know you want to "protect" the girls, but put yourself in the shoe's of the mom's boys. They will know that you are thinking that their boys are going to accost 2 girls. That will go over like a lead balloon and make you look crazy like Mrs. Kravitz who is into everyone's business.

 

[RadioNate]

I too am a little confused about what was happening? It was 930 not 2 am. There were 2 girls there at 930 pm? Was it just that they were alone with boys?

Maybe one of them was a sibling of one of the boys and they were dropping off stuff. Maybe it was a girlfriend "hanging out." The fact is the OP doesn't have a clue as to what the situation was.

How long had the kids been 'home' before the DH got there? 30 min? an hour?

Aren't we jumping the gun a bit or did he see drugs, alcohol and 1/2 naked people?

IF I knew the girls parents and I was sure they spent the night there alone with the boys I would likely mention something. But unless I knew the facts I wouldn't assume anything.

 

[ckay87]

I also have to add, my daughter and I would be sitting down to have a loooooong talk about what she thinks about a friend who goes over to a boy's house unsupervised.

Your daughter needs to know in no uncertain terms that that other girl's behavior is both bad and won't be tolerated in your household (or whatever your opinion of the situation is-that would be mine).

Too many times I think teenagers see adults do nothing and take it as tacit approval of the behavior.

My kids would not only be told of what was going on over at the neighbor's house, they'd also be very clear on what would be the consequences if she ever thought of doing the same thing.

I'm not so sure I agree with that, especially given that the girl is 17. When I was 17 I lived at college in a co-ed dorm so, no supervision there, to say the least (I had a late birthday and started college young). That girl is likely going into her senior year - by that time, people visit other people without direct supervision. Not to say this situation couldn't lead to trouble. I just don't think it's the express train to hell like you describe it (grounding til 30 for visiting with boys? I'm not quite on board with that one but everyone is different.)

 

[onelilspark]

I'm not sure I'm understanding what all the problem is. When I was in HS, I hung out with a lot of guys, they were like brothers to me. I wouldn't appreciate adults jumping to conclusions just because I happened to be the only girl in a room full of boys.

If there were no parents there...then yes, maybe I would bring something up. But I wouldn't go assuming things. Were the kids drinking? Doing anything wrong? Or just hanging out? Maybe the girl was leaving and not spending the night... Even so, there were occasions when my group of friends had co-ed sleep overs and I'd be one of two girls there. No big deal, my parents knew all my friends, they knew the parents hosting, etc.

I don't get it...

 

[Boston Tea Party]

First, do you have proof that anything was going on?

Yes, they were 16 and 17 and spending the night without adult supervision.


Have you been 16/17? Or are you currently a teenager and in denial about the effects that teenage hormones have on judgement?

 

[hentob]

these girls could have been putting themselves in danger

What kind of danger?

do I talk to them.

About what?

I dont know what to do.

I don't understand the problem

 

[PooohBear]

Yes, they were 16 and 17 and spending the night without adult supervision.


Have you been 16/17? Or are you currently a teenager and in denial about the effects that teenage hormones have on judgement?

Well i'm 45, so I have BEEN 16/17 and spent the night at houses with girls and boys, not all of us have uncontrollable hormones, believe it or not some girls have boys as friends without any other benefits

 

[ckay87]

Yes, they were 16 and 17 and spending the night without adult supervision.


Have you been 16/17? Or are you currently a teenager and in denial about the effects that teenage hormones have on judgement?

So they were spending the night? I didn't see that in the OP. Just because they were there at 9:30 doesn't indicate that they were spending the night. Because you know...and I'm serious about this...9:30 pm to them is like 12 noon to you. Different age group, different time zones. Seriously. As discussed in another thread, 1/2 of them probably just finished breakfast.