Help from all the ladies out there

[Leleluvsdis]

So ladies, I have a question.
DH and I are not trying to get pg b/c we want to wait til finances are better, jobs more secure, and so on and so forth. We both go back and forth about will that time ever get here... we can't wait to have our own family... and so on and so forth.
If you ever had these feelings as well. What did you do to help deter yourself from them?
It is very stressful, as right now I am have a BAD time with ovarian cyst, and am on orthocyclin trying to get them under control, and since I'm been on that it seems as if it has made the emotion to want to start a family get even worse!
Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

[RMulieri]

I was anxious as well. We waited 4 years to start trying and then it took another year and a 1/2 before I got pregnant.I have to say you are never a 100% ready to do it.You can always find reasons to postpne it. Dh and I had great jobs ,but debt at the time ,and we still went ahead with having a baby.If our jobs would have been in question we may have waited.

 

[mjkacmom]

I accidently got pregnant 5 months after we got married (we dated 6 years before we got married), and it was the best mistake ever! I was going to school for my Masters, full time, we were living in a historic house as caretakers, had no money, etc. When dd was a year old, I became pregnant with #2 (on purpose), and we bought IL's home, at the very bottom of the market. I didn't want to, but we really had no choice, and the home we paid $165,000 in 1997 is now valued at $500,000! I had also planned on getting a teaching job before having my 1st, and be a WOHM mom, not counted on my emotions, which made me want to be a SAHM so badly. My oldest is 12, and I'm still a SAHM.

BTW, not many people are ready to become parents, no matter how much they try to get their ducks in a row.

 

[WDWorBUST]

I just have to agree with some of the other wisdom you've gotten so far. You will never be 100% ready I don't think. DH and I were going to start trying after our first vacation to Disney in May 1999 - we got home from the trip and I chickened out. Then in 2001 we worked our butts off to get out of debt so we'd be ready to have a baby and tried over a year before getting pregnant. A few months into my pregnancy DH lost his job and was unemployed for almost a year. It SUCKED....but I wouldn't have changed having DD then. And it just goes to show taht no matter how well you plan that things happen. Now we've deliberated another one for the last 5 years and have just recently started trying again after our September Disney trip I however am not ovulating again so I'll be starting clomid in March and hope to get pregnant quickly.

Good luck! I know coming getting both of us to come to the decision that it was "time" was monumental.

 

[esbrick]

We have just started trying as well. We got married in December and have been together 5 years in July. Because we are older, I'm 37 and he's 45 our chances are quickly passing us by. What I do know is that there is never a "good" time but in another sence, whe way i look at it as it is a wonderful time always. It is scarey definately and there will never be enought money, time or space but you and your DH can work through it and it can be done just believe that you are going to make the best place in the world for your baby to grow up in. It doesn't have to be perfect, and it maynot be to those around you, however, as long as you believe in what you are building you will be fine.

Best of luck in making your decision. No matter what everyone says as long as you are comfortable with it, it is the right one for you.

 

[scootch]

I was 35 when I had my first and for me, am glad we waited. I ended up not going back to work, even though it meant giving up a nice salary as a critical care nurse. The years with my two girls are flying by though, so I am so happy to be able to be with them 24/7. Good luck with your decision.

 

[momxx5]

Prayers for you during this emotional time.

I am sure that you will hear lots of stories, but I would like to offer support and to let you know that while waiting you may find that there is never going to be that "perfect" time. DH & I wanted children right away. It seemed like a life-time of trying but we were preg. with our first long before our 1st anniversary. Without pressures and letting whatever happen...happen, I was preg again when DS#1 was 5 months old, and then again letting nature take its course I was preg again having 3 boys in under 3 yrs. Our DD came along when DS#1 was 4 1/2 yrs old. We were a bit more cautious after that, but again not, not-trying, however we got our bonus baby a few yrs after that. We are now complete. My body will not be able to bear anymore children and we are happy. (Although I have always wanted to adopt, that is something that does take a lot more planning, but you never know).

All that said, I wish you and your DH all the best and to consider starting to try. Some people are blessed becoming preg. right away and others have a harder time with treatments, etc.

In the grand scheme of things, life is short and we never know what the future will hold, so if you are considering starting a family and really want to be a mom, I say full heartedly- go for it!!!

Yes it is scary and the financialy/economic times we are in are not comforting, but just think of holding a newborn that is part of the love you and your DH share. God forbid anything were to happen to you or your DH, this is one thing I'd don't believe you will ever regret.

Love and prayers.
Keep us posted.

 

[ktlm]

I don't know how old you are, but I can say from my own experience don't wait too long. You will never be 100% ready-there will always be something with your career or a money issue or another reason that will make you worry about whether it is the right time. DH and I waited. We both finished graduate school, got our careers going, enjoyed our freedom etc. When I was 34 we decided we were still scared, but as ready as we would ever be. It had never crossed my mind that there might be problems. I figured I'd probably get pg the 1st month of trying when I wasn't really quite ready yet. It took me 4 long years to get pregnant with my DD. We spent 2 years trying before going to a doctor because we just figured it was stress before discovering that there was zero chance of us ever being successful without a doctor's help. DD is the best thing that has ever happened to us. Sure, we don't have the freedom to just run off to the movies whenever the urge hits, but the absolute joy she brings more than makes up for things like that. Because of my age, I don't think I'll have that 2nd child that I thought I would. I haven't been ready to get back on the fertility roller coaster. We might adopt, but I think I may be okay with just 1. I wish I had started at 30 instead of 34. Then we would have had more time. So... if you are in your early 20s, enjoy yourself and each other and don't rush. We had some great times just the 2 of us. To deter yourself, just go to a crowded public place and spot the extremely tired looking parents with the crying, screaming or wild children. However good your kids turn out to be most of the time, there were be days when that will be you. If you are older, you might want to rethink the delay.

 

[Leleluvsdis]

]

 

[Leleluvsdis]

Thank you to everyone who gave your responces. This is def an emotional rollercoaster, and the BC def is not helping matters.

I will be 23 in July and DH will be 27 in April.

Everytime I am around my nephew, DH and I rethink about haveing kids ever lol, but we will eventually have kids. The biggest kicker is I am undecided as to whether I want to go back to school or not, and DH and I would really like for me to only work part-time if at all, and his income cannot support the lifestyle, and we don't want to have to compromise our lives b/c of finances.

Mom is constatly reminding me of how we are not stable enough for children, and I need a carrer, but I can honestly say I don't know that I want a carrer. How many SAHM's had carrers and left them to be a SAHM?

 

[DRS_Are_Best]

Everyone has their own unique situation. There really isn't anyone who can tell you "This is the right time" or "This is the wrong time" when it comes to having a family.

That being said, dh and I were lying in bed one night, about 6 months after we bought our first house. We had been married for about 15 months or so at the time and I had wanted to bring up the subject, but wasn't really sure how. DH turned, looked at me and said, "When should we be thinking about starting a family?" I was SHOCKED! We were in debt, just bought a house, etc., but he came to the realization of "Will there EVER be a good time to start a family?" and then just came out and decided he was ready (well, not quite, but for this posting it's close enough).

It took us a very long time until ds joined us (about 5-6 years after that above conversation) -- a lot longer than we wanted. But he's nearly 4 and life is good. We've since had twins (spontaneously, but planned pregnancy) and are currently considering maybe trying for #4 (but asking ourselves if we're sure).

You never know how long it's going to take (or what resources if you are willing to consider fertility assistance) to get pregnant, so keep that in mind. That is especially true if you are already dealing with things like ovarian cycsts (indicating but not necessarily PCOS which DEFINITELY will affect fertility).

So, I suppose my general attitude is, if you want kids, why wait? But that's what works for me, not necessarily everyone else. Like I said in the beginning of my response, every person's situation is unique.

Good luck either way!

 

[momtoatink]

I have to say that we are almost in the same boat. DH and I want another child SO bad, but he lost his job in August and we have decided not to try until he gets another job. The waiting is so hard everyday. Especially since I have had two miscarriages. I know the waiting is so hard, everyone here has given you such great advice and I couldn't agree more that if it happened now you would be OK.

We also have mom's (my MIL) that don't approve of this being the right time for a child. When we told MIL about our last pregnancy she broke down in tears (which were not happy ones).

Big Hugs to you

 

[TnTWalter]

For those thinking of a family and being SAHM when have kids, live off one income NOW before you HAVE to. I wish I had taken this advice.

If you have debt, live off his income and use yours to pay debt down. Drastically reduce lifestyle NOW. Then when debt is gone you can bank your income until you have your baby.

Best of luck.

We waited 5 years...I often say I wish we had started sooner then I'd be a younger mom....but then again. I didn't have the urge until I had the urge and then we had kids...you know? I was 28 with #1, 30 #2 and 32 #3.
Unless you're both unemployed with tons and tons of debt, I don't think that should stop you. It's maturity and desire and STABLE home life.

Trish

 

[adventure_woman]

My DH and I were on the '5 yr plan' when we got married. We both decided this. But then, after we had been married a little over a year, my brother died suddenly and I realized then that the only regret I would have in life if something happened to me was not having a baby. One year and 2 days after my brother died, my DD was born. She was/is the best thing that ever happened to me/us. I did work FT before with a career, and had all intentions of working after she was born. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine what I would feel for that little girl. I took 3 mths off for maternity, worked for 5 mths and finally found a PT job in the evening with benefits. It is AWESOME!

The lesson I guess is that you will never be ready - you will especially never be ready or prepared for the love you will feel for your child. Only you and DH can decide when it is right for you. I save money on a lot - I go to garage sales every year and save a lot on her clothes. I nursed so we didn't have to buy formula (I would have anyway, there was just a great $$ savings too!). The only big expense is diapers.

 

[RMulieri]

Before I was a working Mom, I was just working.I went to school and worked 2 jobs to pay for it ( I am an RN). I work 2 nights a week ,often th,Fri 11p-7a.DD is asleep and never knows I am gone, and Dh is home if I am not.I don't have to work ,I choose to.I stayed home for 3 months when DD was born and that was it.With me working I have plenty of spending money if I want it .

 

[roscoepc1]

Truly? If you want my honest answer, it's that there is NO PERFECT TIME to have a baby. You can always find SOMETHING that needs to improve, kwim?

We had our babies when we were ready, and cut corners/economized afterwards.

The other factor is fertility. It seems these days it isn't just something you can assume will "be there" when you want it to be. More and more I hear friends and family discover there's a problem...and if they waited a long time "to be ready", they end up with a TON of regrets.

I don't think any good parents ever regret a baby...they only regret the ones they didn't get around to having....jmho

 

[Kaye]

I'm not sure if there is ever a best time--you do what you must to make it work. My husband and I were just out of college, not settled in our careers (or finances) at all. My sil and bil have 2 under 3 and are in their mid and late 30s. It's interesting to see both sides...we didn't have much $$, but made up for it in other ways. They are comfortable financially, but maybe have issues we didn't have. It all works out, and for the most part, we don't screw the kids up too much... Good luck!

 

[Fintastic]

There's never a "right" time. As long as you and DH can support yourselves and a baby and you have a roof over your heads and love to give, it sounds like a good time to me.

 

[arielmomma]

I agree with those who have posted before me - you will never be 100% ready to have children. You will also never have enough money. I know that it can be scary. We spontaneously decided to try to have a baby when I was in my first year of law school (when I had no job), we had just bought a house, and my husband lost his 2nd job. It happened immediately. It was scary at the time, but now I am a full time SAHM even though I did finish law school and pass the bar. My children have changed my life. We seemed pretty crazy at the time, but it was the best lapse of sanity I think we have ever had!

 

[simba20]

People would ask my husband and I all of the time 'When do you think you will start having kids?' Our standard relpy was "When we get the money." Most people never had a comeback, until.......one day I gave the standard reply and someone replied "Well if you're waiting on money, then you will never have any children."

I don't know why, but the comment stuck with me. I have always wanted kids and it kinda shocked me. I started thinking, there's always things we want money for or that we never feel that we have enough and as I thought about it more and more I realized "Wait we could totally support having a child"

Think about it, when you have a baby people always buy you gifts and there our showers. We are in our 30's but we knew we could count on close family (soon to be grandparents, great aunts, etc) to buy a big ticket item. Plus we could always save some money and buy what we needed ourselves and there are secondhand shops that sell gently used baby gear at a cheaper cost.

So with all that in mind, we went for it. While our family did not help us out with big ticket items (crib, stroller, pack-n-play). We carefully thought about what we needed. We did receive a high chair from family and a swing. We bought our crib from a neighbor who was moving her then 2 year old son to a toddler bed and we carfeully thought about what we truly needed for a baby. I was also lucky to pick up the little things through showers.

Now our daughter is here, she's almost two and aside from the cost of diapers and formula (we use it for travel rather than trying to find milk) we rarely have that much of an output in cost. I buy cheap clothes (Wal-Mart, Target, maybe catch a Gymboree/Baby Gap sale). When we eat out, one of us will order something that we know she can eat and shares with her (mainly me) so we don't have to pay for a kid's meal -- but we also look for "Kid's eat free deals." Her toys are mainly bought at Christmas and Birthdays and come from family -- occassionally we pick up something cool for her.

So that's our story. We figured having a child to us, was like a dream...almost like buying a house....maybe something we would have one day. But really we haven't been strapped. I was working part-time before she was born and now I'm a SAHM and in grad school. We watch our money, but know when to have fun as well.