Help for a Teen.

[lalame15]

I need some advice and this seems like the place to ask my questions. I am a girl and am 19 and need help. I graduated earlier this year. Here is my story: I have a boyfriend and we have gone out for almost a year. Well early this summer, a girl my age moved in next door. We just clicked. We became best-friends. One day we were out in the forest down by a creek and she told me that she thought that she was more attracted to girls than guys. She said that this whole summer, I made her feel so special and she realized that she loved me more than just a friend. I told her that I thought that was really nice, but I had a boyfriend. It didn't bother me that she was a lesbian. Well as the day went on I seemed to realise that I too was in love with her. Then that night as we were driving home, I told her that I thought that I loved her also. She asked if we wanted to go out. I said yes. I wasn't thinking about my boyfriend at the time. That was in late June when we started going out. The only thing was that I didn't want to be bi. I just wanted to have her (her name is sondra by the way) to be my one and only and dump my boyfriend Ben. I was just worried that Ben would get upset at me. I will go on with that later. Well Sondra and I did what normal couples do and we kissed and made-out. So we were at this party in the woods on wednesday night. Her and I went a little farther into the woods where we still had some light and we started kissing. Well I had no idea that Ben would be at this party but he was and was walking out into the woods to go see something and saw us. He just said my name and I looked at him and he was like what are you doing? I just sorta got tongue tide and didn't know what to say. He just kept saying, how could you, and what do you think you are doing. I couldn't say anything and he ran away and drove off. Sondra and I went home and I don't know what to do. I know that if I could I would marry Sondra, but I don't know what to tell Ben. How should I do it? Please help me.

 

[Viki]

Wow... that's a lot of drama... I'm sorry... it's hard for more experienced folk to handle all of those issues ...

I don't really have any advice ... perhaps some other teens on the board would weigh in .... there's a sticky thread up top you could also post on... I'm afraid the only thing I can recommend is honesty and respect ... all the way around.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I'm far from a teen, but have to agree strongly with what Viki has said.

Respect the fact that he was shocked and offended by your behavior. Look at it from the point of view that it wasn't so much that you were with a woman, rather that you were with anyone when he thought you two were in a relationship that excluded all others.

Honestly apologize to him and explain that you can't change the way he learned that you were going to break it off with him, but you can surely apologize for having him walk into it the way he did.

You may have to resign yourself to the fact that he will not want to be "just friends" with you, and move on from there. There are very few of us in this world who have not hurt someone by our own actions. Apologizing is important, even if it isn't accepted by the person to whom you owe the apology.

You are just discovering yourself, and things won't always go the way "they should" whatever that means.

Honesty and respect in all matters. It won't make things easy at times, but it is always the best route.

Take care and I hope everything works out well for you.

 

[lalame15]

Thanks for helping. I talked to him. He was really pissed off and yelled. He said that he thought that I loved him more than anything and how he couldn't believe that I would leave him to be a lesbian. He just said that he never would have thought that I would be a lesbian. Once he calmed down, he asked me if I was going to be bi. I told him that I don't know yet. I am wondering though if I should be bi or just lesbian. What do you all think? What are the advantages? Would it cause problems? As you can see I am just so clueless on the whole gay/lesbian/bi topic. I have never looked into it or thought about it until this summer, so if you all would answer my questions that would be wonderful.

 

[DollfieDreams]

but here's the question, do you want to be bi? you said you didn't, so if you did become bi, would it be out of guilt for him?

of all the things in this world that we are restricted to, there is one thing that no one can keep you from. and thats following your heart. if your heart is telling you that you love her, and you want to be with her, then by all means.

 

[lalame15]

but here's the question, do you want to be bi? you said you didn't, so if you did become bi, would it be out of guilt for him?

of all the things in this world that we are restricted to, there is one thing that no one can keep you from. and thats following your heart. if your heart is telling you that you love her, and you want to be with her, then by all means.

That is the problem. I don't know if I want to be bi or not. I am starting to re-think it. That is why I asked those questions on my last post. No, it would not be out of guilt for him.

 

[singingpixie]

I don't think there's really a choice between being bi or not. I think it's just about whom you're attracted to. I mean, I suppose you could be attracted to both genders, but choose to only date one, but in my mind you'd still be bi.

I think it's going to take a lot of soul-searching and being honest with yourself to figure out who you are. Don't make it about these individual people, but listen to yourself. Are you attracted to both men and women? Just women? You don't have to figure it out right now and try to force yourself into some sort of mold. You're young- as long as you don't put yourself in unsafe situations, there's nothing wrong with seeing what's out there and what makes you happy!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

It's not so much a decision, as in you are going to decide to be something. It really is what you are, who you are, how you are going to be.

You need to take each step very slowly, and look at the world around you and how you fit into the world. It's more than liking (sexually) one gender over another. It's a way of life. It's a matter of thinking, being one with yourself.

That's a little too mystical sounding to do anyone any good. Sorry.

Don't force anything. Simply work on getting to know yourself and what your path in this world is. It's not about labels, or names. It's about what is right for you. You'll know what is right when you have that inner convinction that cannot be silenced.

 

[hematite153]

As a bi woman, I have to agree with the previous posters.

Take some time getting to know yourself. You may be bi, you may be lesbian. Hey, you might even be straight--many people have had a relationship that seems at odds with their standard orientation at some point.

I thought I had it all figured out at 15. It wasn't until I was 26 that I was really ready to say that it had taken me 12 years to figure things out. (And, now that I'm married and in my thirties I'm figuring out that the problems continue just in a different way. People call me a lesbian because I'm in a monogamous relationship with my DW. But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm bi. So, now I have to figure out how to deal with the disconnect between reality and perception.)

This is a long-winded way of saying, be patient with yourself and don't worry about racing to figure it out.

 

[dunbarfamily]

I'm "delurking" myself for a minute so I can offer my advice to lalame. Please forgive me for butting into your forum....

A long time ago, I was in a situation where I didn't know how to procede. So many things were changing for me, and I found myself not knowing what to do. I didn't know myself, I didn't trust my gut. A person close to me at the time told me something that took me about nine years to understand. I hope that you will reflect on it and it will bring you some comfort as you continue on your journey.

This person told me, "Self growth is tender. It is holy ground. Be patient with yourself, and always remember: to thine own self be true".

May you have peace.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

"Self growth is tender. It is holy ground. Be patient with yourself, and always remember: to thine own self be true".

That is SO beautiful, true, and insightful. Thank you for sharing with Lalame (and the rest of us too).

 

[CheerExtreme]

Just thought that I would update you all on my life. Well I talked to Sondra and my boyfriend and realised something. Something that had been there all along, I just never really thought about it. When I was with Ben (my old boyfriend), I never felt this immdiate (sp?) connection. I mean, when he would give me a kiss on the lips, I was supposed to love that and I just never felt passionate about being with him and doing that stuff with him. When I am with Sondra, I just feel this vibe. More like a sensation fills my body. Do you all feel that or am I just crazy? I don't know if it just me, but I look into her eyes and just wonder why I never realised it before. When I hold her hand, I never want to let go; When we give each other a kisses and tell each other we love one another, I just never want her to leave my house and don't know why she had never come into my life before. This sounds weird but I just am much more interested in a woman's body than a mans. A woman's has beautiful curves and a mans just doesn't. Sorry if this is grossing you all out or anything, but I am a young adult and in love. I broke all of this news to Ben and he just was sorta crushed. He asked if I was going to be bi and if we could still go out and that maybe I would still be straight and would realise my sexuality better. I told him that I never felt that passion that about him and loved Sondra more than anything else in the world. He started yelling at me and telling me that he wanted to marry me and was going to propose soon and then got all rude and offensive. I was appalled. He told me that he couldn't be friends with a lesbian *** and that I was a sick wrong *******. I told him that I couldn't help it that Sondra is better than him and that is when I just broke into tears. He stopped talking to me and told me to go have sex with Sondra and have a great lesbian life. I just couldn't stop crying. I ran out and Sondra came over to my house and comforted me. Ben never did that and right then I knew that I would be a lesbian.
This is where I need help. Sondra and I are both madly in love and are (as we speak) moving in together. We have our little apartment all set up. It is adorable. It is a 1 bedroom apartment and is quite small. We have our bed in this corner...wait that is not the question! I am getting off track! Ok. We are going to have a commitment cerimony and adopt children. The question is how do you think our children will adapt to having lesbian parents? Will it sick them out that we like to kiss girls instead of boys? Will they feel that they will have to be lesbians also? (we are wanting 2 girls so then we will be an all girls family) If we kiss and snuggle will that make them think that that is what they should do with other girls? We want them to go to public or private school and not be home-schooled, but will that just be too weird? Should we raise them to just love girls like us or let them just love boys like the rest of the world? (I was raised to love boys, but that has changed as you see.) Does our PDA need to be kept to a minimum so that the girls don't believe that they should be cuddling with other girls? As you can see I have many questions. Besides the adoption questions I was wondering if you all show PDA in public even if you are gay and lesbian? If you all could answer my questions and if you would like (it would be nice) to pm me. I would greatly appriciate it!

 

[Viki]

Just thought that I would update you all on my life. Well I talked to Sondra and my boyfriend and realised something. Something that had been there all along, I just never really thought about it. When I was with Ben (my old boyfriend), I never felt this immdiate (sp?) connection. I mean, when he would give me a kiss on the lips, I was supposed to love that and I just never felt passionate about being with him and doing that stuff with him. When I am with Sondra, I just feel this vibe. More like a sensation fills my body. Do you all feel that or am I just crazy? I don't know if it just me, but I look into her eyes and just wonder why I never realised it before. When I hold her hand, I never want to let go; When we give each other a kisses and tell each other we love one another, I just never want her to leave my house and don't know why she had never come into my life before. This sounds weird but I just am much more interested in a woman's body than a mans. A woman's has beautiful curves and a mans just doesn't. Sorry if this is grossing you all out or anything, but I am a young adult and in love. I broke all of this news to Ben and he just was sorta crushed. He asked if I was going to be bi and if we could still go out and that maybe I would still be straight and would realise my sexuality better. I told him that I never felt that passion that about him and loved Sondra more than anything else in the world. He started yelling at me and telling me that he wanted to marry me and was going to propose soon and then got all rude and offensive. I was appalled. He told me that he couldn't be friends with a lesbian *** and that I was a sick wrong *******. I told him that I couldn't help it that Sondra is better than him and that is when I just broke into tears. He stopped talking to me and told me to go have sex with Sondra and have a great lesbian life. I just couldn't stop crying. I ran out and Sondra came over to my house and comforted me. Ben never did that and right then I knew that I would be a lesbian.
This is where I need help. Sondra and I are both madly in love and are (as we speak) moving in together. We have our little apartment all set up. It is adorable. It is a 1 bedroom apartment and is quite small. We have our bed in this corner...wait that is not the question! I am getting off track! Ok. We are going to have a commitment cerimony and adopt children. The question is how do you think our children will adapt to having lesbian parents? Will it sick them out that we like to kiss girls instead of boys? Will they feel that they will have to be lesbians also? (we are wanting 2 girls so then we will be an all girls family) If we kiss and snuggle will that make them think that that is what they should do with other girls? We want them to go to public or private school and not be home-schooled, but will that just be too weird? Should we raise them to just love girls like us or let them just love boys like the rest of the world? (I was raised to love boys, but that has changed as you see.) Does our PDA need to be kept to a minimum so that the girls don't believe that they should be cuddling with other girls? As you can see I have many questions. Besides the adoption questions I was wondering if you all show PDA in public even if you are gay and lesbian? If you all could answer my questions and if you would like (it would be nice) to pm me. I would greatly appriciate it!

May I suggest, without sounding really, really OLD, that you all slow down and just have fun for awhile?

 

[hematite153]

May I suggest, without sounding really, really OLD, that you all slow down and just have fun for awhile?

Being a little bit younger, but likely also OLD from your perspective, I'd like to echo Viki's sentiments.

Yes, my DW and I were convinced within months that we were destined to spend our lives together, so I do believe that love is not time bound. (In fact, my DW's ex said, "you're going to marry her, aren't you" when she saw her after our first date.)

But, we also waited a year-and-a-half before getting married.

Taking the time to talk through all of your dreams and goals and to live into them can only add to the depth of your relationship.

In terms of all of your questions, try asking them of yourself if it were about you and Ben. What would your answer be? That should be the answer when it is you and Sonya.

 

[shazen]

I'll de-lurk as well, just this once!

As the PP's said, enjoy this time with your partner and don't worry too much about the future! You've got plenty of time...

As for your questions, I'll try to give you an answer. As background, I'm a gay male in my 30's, and my partner of 17 years and I have two young daughters. I occasionally speak to groups of GLBT youth about parenting because it IS something that concerns some of them (it's usually more of a issue with youth who had always imagined themselves getting married and having kids, but after realizing their orientation it became a source of stress/concern).

Anyhoo...

There are many paths to parenthood, and it is not something that should be rushed into. Kids are a lot of work and they usually create a lot stress in the parental relationship. Wait until you and your partner are truly ready. Enjoy each other's company now because once kids arrive it's a whole new game!

All the research done has shown that kids of LGBT parents are as well-adjusted as those with hetero parents, perhaps even moreso in certain aspects. Your affection and love for your partner will be normal to them, and they will feel happier and more secure if they know and SEE that their parents love each other. I don't suggest trying to raise kids to be any particular orientation; they are individuals and will figure out who they are as they mature. In fact, by the time they are three they will probably be dreaming about marrying a prince and becoming a princess rincess: , despite your efforts (one of the unavoidable side-effects of being a Disney fan ). At times kids with GLBT parents do get teased by classmates, but if you've raised your kids to be proud of themselves and their families and given them strategies to handle those situations they will be fine.

I hope that puts your mind as ease! You CAN be parents when you and Sondra are ready, and your kids will be fine. Until then, go have some fun!