Help! Feeling guilty...on the verge of canceling trip!!!

[turnerx6]

Hello everyone!

My DH and I are planning a VR for April 2012. It will be around our 8th anniversary. We have been through a LOT over the past few years and felt the need for a fresh start. One of the hardest things we went through was losing one of our precious daughters. She passed away the night before my birthday - when she was only 5 months old. It has been 4 years and I am just now starting to breathe again..if that makes sense.

Up until a few months ago I wouldn't have even considered doing something like this because I literally felt guilty for feeling happiness - over anything. I know this probably won't make much sense; but I almost felt guilty for feeling happiness. I felt that if others saw me laughing, then they would think the pain of losing our daughter was no longer there. So I just stopped laughing, smiling, etc. Definitely a VERY hard time for our little family.

My husband and I also have three other daughters, ages 6, 2 and 1. Our girls are our entire world! We are so very blessed to have these little ladies as we now know just how precious life is.

We recently had the opportunity to take our girls to Disney World for the very first time. We had an absolute BLAST! This was literally the first time since we lost our daughter that I felt down right giddy. It was if the stress and heartache melted away while we were on vacation together. The only way to describe it was magical

This being said...the stress of everything we went through with our baby girl became even more difficult when dealing with family. To make a long story short, we have felt abandoned by family. It's like we have gone through grief alone...which only makes things harder to deal with. When my husband first started talking about a vow renewal I wasn't really on board with the idea. I just didn't know if I could be truly happy doing it - again with the guilt over being happy! Terrible I know. Then he came up with the idea that we could do it in Disney World - so he surprised me and started getting everything set up! He eventually told me that he knew in his heart that we should do it here because this was the first place he saw me laugh since our daughter passed away. So at that moment I was totally on board!

Our original plans were to have his parents come to DW with us, so they could help out with our little girls. We planned on having our girls in the wedding with us - and his parents could be there to help keep an eye on them during the ceremony. Well we talked it over with his parents and they immediately told us they couldn't go with us. They simply couldn't afford it. We tried to find a way to pay for them to go with us, but we just couldn't do it with the cost of the wedding and such. A short time later my husband talked to them again and together they came up with the idea of us going alone. They agreed to fly down here, to stay a week with our daughters - meanwhile we would fly to DW for our vow renewal. I thought this was a great idea because we haven't really gone on an "adults only" vacation before.

Now I am having second thoughts. I feel kinda bad going to DW without our girls...because they love it so much. They ask almost every morning if today is the day they get to go back to Disney!?! lol And I wonder if I will end up regretting having all these beautiful wedding pics without our girls in them?!? I just don't know what to do!!!!!! I am so heavy with guilt.

My dear hubby wants us to focus on the fact that we are still married..(considering many marriages don't survive the loss of a child).. He wants us to go, have a good time and just plain celebrate together. As you can see, his guilt-o-meter is much less than mine!!!

What do you all think? Do you think I am being selfish doing this VR, without our girls?!?! Do you think it's weird for us to go to the World without kids in tow?? Will there be stuff for us to do? Since we have only gone once, we really only know about the kid rides and such - we don't know what the World has to offer adults! If we do go alone, can you think of any ways we can "include" our daughters, even though they won't be there with us? Maybe something special we can do for them before we leave, while we are there or perhaps when we get back?!?

I just don't know what to do with all this guilt!!

 

[EllieBride]

First off, I am so very, very sorry for your loss... what you described about your trip to WDW and it being the first time you smiled again makes perfect sense. Spending time there with your family is magical. There's no other way to describe it.

As for your vow renewal... it's really no one else's place to judge whether you go alone or take your daughters. Plenty of adults go there for adult-only vacations and I don't think you should feel guilty if this is what you decide to do. However, in this instance, your vow renewal is a pretty special event. From the way you describe the situation, I get the sense that it's very important to you that this be about your entire family. I would guess that your daughters have been grieving a lot, too. Not only the loss of their sister, but in a way, they have probably been feeling a temporary loss of their mom while you've been sad and grieving yourself. Perhaps this vow renewal could be a healing event for everyone.

I don't know for sure, but I think some of the WDW hotels offer childcare services. Maybe you could designate one night for a fancy dinner for just you and your husband.

Whatever you decide, I hope your VR is MAGICAL!

 

[smitch425]

from Ohio. So sorry for your terrible loss. I can't imagine how difficult that has been for you and your family. While I know a lot of people travel to WDW without their kids, I know for ME, I would not be able to go without my children. Is there any way you can postpone the trip until the money could be saved for the grandparents to come along? Not sure if this is an option, but if you get a Disney Visa Card, you can take 6 months to pay off your trip with 0% interest. Also, maybe only the grandmother could go and then that might help with the cost being less. Best of luck to you. You DESERVE this trip!

 

[princesswendy720]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine going through that.

I don't think it's selfish at all. I guess you have to ask yourself if you are renewing the vows as a reaffirmation of the love between you and your husband, or if you want to treat the renewal as a "fresh start" for the entire family? I don't have any kids, but I totally understand that being down there with the three of them would be a lot of work and difficult without some extra hands on deck. I do think it's important that you and your husband do this though. Is there anything financially keeping you from bringing the kids? Could you maybe bring 2 of them but leave the littlest one with their grandparents? There are a lot of in room babysitting services and kids clubs at Disney if you want to get away as just the two of you.

I'm not sure how helpful this is. I think either way you should still continue with your VR...with our without the kiddos. How does your husband feel about having/not having them there?

 

[smitch425]

I don't know for sure, but I think some of the WDW hotels offer childcare services. Maybe you could designate one night for a fancy dinner for just you and your husband.

Whatever you decide, I hope your VR is MAGICAL!

This is an AWESOME solution!!!

OP, this would be the way to go!

 

[jshora]

First of all, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I can not imagine the pain and grief you have been carrying around with you.

Secondly, take all of my thoughts with a grain of salt as I do not have children and therefore could no way in any capacity understand what you are going through.

Disclaimer being said... If I were in your situation, I guess I would sit down with my husband and determine what was really important to us. Is it important for the children to be there? If they are not there, are you going to be constantly feeling guilty and worrying about them? Is there absolutely no way for them to be down Disney? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, then I would cancel the trip. Honestly, I do not think there is anything wrong with an "adult-only" vacation. I would hope that the people who love you would realize that this is something you need to do for yourself and your marriage, and therefore would be supportive. But if you are going to feel completely guilty about it, I personally wouldn't waste the money.

Is there a friend of the family that might be able to go with you instead of his parents? Someone you would trust to help you out with the children that could afford to go and might be able to help out? Is during the ceremony the only time you need help with the children? I know Disney works with a in-room baby sitter service, maybe you could hire a baby sitter down there to help out during the ceremony? Maybe see if you could get a sitter to help with the children during the ceremony and then watch them for awhile while you and your husband go out to a special dinner together?

If all of that is not possible, maybe work with your husband to do a Disney themed VR at home? Get the children involved in planning it and decorating for it? Basically, create your own Disney experience at home.

I'm not sure if I helped or not. I wish I had a fairy godmother wand that I could wave for you! I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts!

 

[turnerx6]

I am not really sure how these threads work and how to respond to them yet, so I hope I am doing this right?!? lol

Anyway, someone asked how my dh feels about it. At first he wanted the girls to go with us - he even talked about doing the in-room childcare...however, the more he thought about it, the more he warmed up to the idea of just the two of us going. Now he is 100% on board for this being an intimate occassion. I think the reason he feels this way is because we are always with our little darlings! I am a stay at home, homeschooling mommy so I am literally with our kids 24/7. We haven't even had a babysitter in years because we moved 8+ hrs away from family and we are too nervous to leave them with anyone else, unless there is an emergency of some sort. So he sees this as the perfect chance to 'get away' and reconnect. In fact; he basically looks like this; His parents were just here visiting last week and they also thought it would be good for just the two of us to go - (i think they are secretly excited to stay with with the girls alone for a week...by the end of the week they just might look like this though..)

Okay! Small update; I just talked with our 6 year old about how she feels about the trip. I wanted to see if her feelings have changed at all since the last time we talked about it. She just threw me for a loop - she said "mama, I feel good about the trip. I am excited for you and daddy to finally get some alone time. You know, time away from these screaming babies!!!"

So now it looks like I am the ONLY ONE feelings guilty here!!!!!!!!!

HA HA

I guess in the end, all of their reactions make me feel a tad bit better.. you know, since I am now the only one having guilt-o-meter problems here..then there is still hope for me to feel like this; HA

 

[pixie921]

Okay! Small update; I just talked with our 6 year old about how she feels about the trip. I wanted to see if her feelings have changed at all since the last time we talked about it. She just threw me for a loop - she said "mama, I feel good about the trip. I am excited for you and daddy to finally get some alone time. You know, time away from these screaming babies!!!"

So now it looks like I am the ONLY ONE feelings guilty here!!!!!!!!!

HA HA

I guess in the end, all of their reactions make me feel a tad bit better.. you know, since I am now the only one having guilt-o-meter problems here..then there is still hope for me to feel like this; HA

Aw, your daughter sounds like a doll! What a sweet girl.

I also want to say I'm so sorry for the loss you've gone through and how difficult it had to have been.

Since you asked for opinions, here's my .02: We had originally planned our vow renewal to include both sides of our families on a big trip. That has changed; we are now doing just a private one with only our son in attendance before the rest of the family arrives. Obviously, the fact that he's grown makes it a no-brainer to have him with us; having 3 little ones to work with is a lot more difficult, so I can't say what I'd do in your situation.

I will say that we've been visiting WDW since our son was 5 (he's 18 now) and my dh and I have taken several trips alone. The first trip alone we felt a LOT of guilt pangs and really missed him. However, he had a good time with his grandparents and the "alone" trips that followed were easier. We enjoyed ourselves immensely and all guilt was gone.

So with that being said .... if you do choose to go without your girls, will you feel sad that they're not there? If so, it might take away from your enjoyment of your vow renewal. I know personally if we'd tried to do something so momentous on our first trip without our son I wouldn't have been able to fully enjoy it. But that's just me!

Good luck making your decision!

 

[lurkyloo]

I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your post has made me realize that I need to continue to reach out to a friend of mine in a similar situation. Thank you.

Having read what your daughter said about your trip, as well as your husband's enthusiasm, I wholeheartedly agree with them that this trip may be just what you need. Your husband sees what many tend to forget: that an essential part of caring for your family is maintaining a strong spousal bond. Yes, a trip for the whole family would be a wonderful memory, but it is also important that you two have time alone to strengthen the connection that brought your family into being.

And while you're there, maybe you'll get some ideas for things you'd like to do with the girls on a future family trip! Another idea is to leave small gifts for them with your parents to be revealed one per day, maybe with a note from a different character each day that talks about how Mommy & Daddy are thinking of them.

 

[Jilian]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss...big hugs to you and your family! The grief over being happy is so common, but please don't feel bad for being happy. Think of it this way: if you had died would you want your own children to spend the rest of their days being sad, or would you want them to enjoy themselves and live life to the fullest?

I recently went to Disney with just my H and before we left we felt really guilty not bringing the kids (we have 3). To be honest, Disney was not as magical without them. We've decided that we wil probably never go without them again. There is just something about seeing Disney through the eyes of a child that cannot be beat. Plus, like you, I am a SAHM and spend every waking hour with my children - - when they are away I feel like part of me is gone. I can't enjoy myself without them there! I'm not saying that it is bad for you to go alone, I just wanted to share my experience.

Whatever you decide I wish you an amazing VR! You've come through a lot and I think it is wonderful that your H planned a VR because he wanted to see you smile again, it sounds like you've got a real keeper! Your story really touches my heart.

 

[jennabcassell]

I am so sorry for your loss!! I too have lost a child. My second son, two years ago today to be exact. I know how you feel when you say you have just started to breathe again. I dont think I am exactly there yet, but close. I feel the same way about Disney. We went there with our first when I was pregnant with our second and I feel like every time I go back I am reliving those moments when the four of us were together. I think it will be an amazing trip to have with your husband alone and then you can go back with your girls later and relive those memories. I have had to learn that its ok to be happy and smile. I think that you will find plenty for just you and your husband to do. Even if its just sitting on your balcony and having a glass of wine!! Try rides that you wouldnt normally be able to go on so that you can tell your girls about them later when their ready to go. Make dining reservations at fancy restaurants and walk around the world with you husband at Epcot at night!! We have to remember to take care of ourselves from time to time so that we can be better moms to our kids. Bring back a special present for each of the girls and tell them that you will bring them back to show them where you got them from, maybe a stuffed animal or start the older one with a pin collection. Make sure to go to downtown disney!!

 

[turnerx6]

**UPDATE**

First off I wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who responded to my heart felt questions ,

I have enjoyed reading all the responses and each one really helped me look at things a little bit differently. To all the other mommies who have lost a child..bless you, I know this can be such a lonely - difficult road to walk..I am here if anyone ever needs a shoulder to cry on.

We have made huge changes in our plans since the last time I posted. First of all we are no longer doing our vow renewal. It has nothing to do with our marriage as it is still our hearts desire to have a VR at Disney..I just didn't have peace about it (mainly the cost and our girls not being there), so we have decided to wait until a later date.

The good news is we are still going on vacation together, just the two of us! Instead of the VR, we are working on an extra special day for our Anniversary while we are there. We are going to get all dressed up and have an early morning photoshoot in Epcot, then the photograhper we hired for our VR is meeting up with us for a photoshoot around the resorts. Not sure what we will be doing during the day, but that night we are planning on a romantic dinner together - maybe even renting a limo for a few hours. So overall I am feeling a little bit like this; and my stress/guilt has since dwindled away!!

Now if anyone happens to have any ideas of special/romantic things I can do for my hubby while we are there - that would be great!!

Anyway - thanks again for all of your help!!!! I LOVE the disboards - you gals are great!!

 

[pixie921]

I'm so glad you came to a solution that you're happy with! And you'll absolutely know when the time is right for that VR.

One thing that dh and I did on our 15th anniversary was to take the carriage ride through Port Orleans Riverside. It was so pretty and picturesque! I wouldn't call it super-romantic, since there was another person with us talking to us the whole time, but it was still very enjoyable! He also took me to Downtown Disney later that evening and did the Pick-a-Pearl and had it set in a beautiful pendant for me.

I have to say that pretty much any time I've spent alone with my husband at WDW has been memorable, whether it's walking around the World Showcase promenade at night just holding hands and people-watching, or playing mini-golf at Fantasia Gardens. We just love any time we get together in such a magical place! Enjoy your trip with your hubby!!

 

[Feckless]

So glad you are at peace with this! And it sounds like your DD is a super special little girl.

Enjoy your trip and NO GUILT! The best gift you can give your kids is a happier mommy and a strengthened relationship with their daddy. You have years and years for full family trips with your kids.

All the best to you and enjoy!

 

[roxysmum123]

If you change the mind about a VR (maybe for your 10 year?) what about bringing along a fave babysitter of your childrens? They can help wrangle the kids, but you can still have the little loves at your ceremony.

 

[MegsClubHouse]

I am not really sure how these threads work and how to respond to them yet, so I hope I am doing this right?!? lol

Anyway, someone asked how my dh feels about it. At first he wanted the girls to go with us - he even talked about doing the in-room childcare...however, the more he thought about it, the more he warmed up to the idea of just the two of us going. Now he is 100% on board for this being an intimate occassion. I think the reason he feels this way is because we are always with our little darlings! I am a stay at home, homeschooling mommy so I am literally with our kids 24/7. We haven't even had a babysitter in years because we moved 8+ hrs away from family and we are too nervous to leave them with anyone else, unless there is an emergency of some sort. So he sees this as the perfect chance to 'get away' and reconnect. In fact; he basically looks like this; His parents were just here visiting last week and they also thought it would be good for just the two of us to go - (i think they are secretly excited to stay with with the girls alone for a week...by the end of the week they just might look like this though..)

Okay! Small update; I just talked with our 6 year old about how she feels about the trip. I wanted to see if her feelings have changed at all since the last time we talked about it. She just threw me for a loop - she said "mama, I feel good about the trip. I am excited for you and daddy to finally get some alone time. You know, time away from these screaming babies!!!"

So now it looks like I am the ONLY ONE feelings guilty here!!!!!!!!!

HA HA

I guess in the end, all of their reactions make me feel a tad bit better.. you know, since I am now the only one having guilt-o-meter problems here..then there is still hope for me to feel like this; HA

Out of the mouths of babes. You have such a considerate daughter.

So very sorry for your family's terrible loss.

All Parents deserve some adult time and it looks like your daughter knows this too.

It's not a terrible thing to want some alone time with just the 2 of you. But...if you are going to worry the entire time..it might be best to just arrange for babysitting services and take them along.

A girlfriend of mine took along their regular teenage babysitter when they went to Disney and it worked out for all involved. The babysitter got to go on vacation and when the parents wanted some alone time...their sitter was built in.

I hope it all works out for you and that you have a wonderful time.

 

[csidisney]

I know I'm late, but I also wanted to say I am truly sorry for your loss. I am also excited to hear you have firmed up some really nice plans for your anniversary!! I hope you have a truly magical time.

Another thing you might want to consider when saving for the future is the Disney cruise. We always travel with our children and I know how hard it can be. We discovered the cruise a few years ago and it has been the best thing ever! Tons of Disney characters, shows, etc AND they have the Kids Clubs which offers the kids a place to spend the day or evening while Mommy and Daddy get to be on their own. The best of everything...its a vacation for everyone. We are actually doing our 10 yr vow renewal aboard the Magic next year