Help! Family problem!

[AmandaK]

I need advice on our trip to Disney. My husband and I have taken 3 family trips in the last 3 years that included our parents and our two children. We want to go to Disney by ourselves with no parents, just us and our children. Whenever my parents are around, my children would rather be with them instead of us. We want to enjoy Disney as a family of 4. I've explained this to my mom and the best I could get her to compromise was that she would get to have one day with the kids in Disney. I really would rather her stay home and just let us have this vacation to ourselves. But she really wants to go with them too! I hate to be mean and tell her no she can't spend the day there with them. My husband doesn't want her there, so that is creating a bit of a problem here at home. My mom also would like to take the kids to Disney at another time too. We live in Illinois. My husband and I enjoy our kids and don't want them gone out of state that long. How do I handle this? My friends say that I'm lucky that my parents want to spend time with my kids, but when they want to be with them ALL the time it gets a little upsetting since I become a 2nd class citizen to my kids when my parents are around. Either I make my parents happy and my husband and I upset or the other way around. Please give advice!

 

[Keri]

It *is* wonderful that you have parents who love your kids & want to be around them. Fantastic. But, IMO, that doesn't detract from the idea that your family -- you, DH & kids -- is the most important thing. And you deserve to be able to do things on your own, to spend a vacation with your children, not just watching them enjoy grandma's company. I am sad for you that your mom can't understand that!! Seriously. And a little angry, too.

I think having grandparents who want to be involved is fantastic -- my family runs the whole spectrum on how much they are/want to be involved (we have 4 sets of g'parents since both of our parents are remarried) but the one thing they are ALL respectful of is our family time. I would just tell your mom flat out NO. This year is a trip for just us. I love you, I love that you love our children, but this trip is for us. Let's find another time for you to spend time with the kids!

I wouldn't be ready for someone else to take my kids on a trip like that yet either. I don't know how old your kids are, but I am nowhere NEAR ready and honestly, neither are they. And to me, going to have fun at grandmas & going to Disney without me are 2 entirely different things. I have to admit, I'd be jealous of a trip like that *blush* Maybe when they are older though.

But for now, a simple "No, Mom, you're not coming this year, I'm sorry that hurts your feelings, but it hurts MY feelings that you won't respect that we want to take a trip as a family of 4" would be my answer. It's ABSOLUTELY not something that's worth causing trouble in your marriage when it isn't even something you want, you know? Your mom will get over it, because she clearly loves you & your kids. Your husband will be much more hurt, I'm guessing, if you side with your mom over him.

 

[happymommy]

I absolutely agree with the PP!

Your family is yours, not your mom's. It's nice she wants to come along on YOUR family vacation, but she does not have the right to if you want to go alone with your husband and kids. End of story.

Sounds like you are feeling guilty or obligated to please your mother. Well, you aren't obligated to bring her if you don't want to.

You need to be firm on this, the sooner the better. Do NOT beat around the bush. Just make your plans, then inform her of them, and be done with it. She may sulk, but too bad, it's your life.

I also am not comfortable with letting someone, even family, take my kids on vacation without me. If you knew my family or my inlaws, you'd agree (they're not bad, just different). Just because someone is a grandparent, they don't have the right to take their grandchildren on vacation or tell their kids what they can and can't do.

 

[mupt02]

I agree with the PP. You need to put your foot down now.

We are going through something similar with my family. It's not vacation related, but having to do with other family events. I finally told my mother that I had to do what was best for my family. Her response was "your family includes me, your sister, your grandparents, etc." I wanted to scream.

Anyways, maybe you can work something out with your parents. Maybe you can take a big trip to Disney just the 4 of you and do another trip with your parents. Make that a yearly tradition so your parents know that they have something special as well.

I don't know how old your kids are, but for me, at any age, I'm not ready for them to take a vacation without me. I want to be there to see how they react and what they do.

Good luck!!!

 

[2Tiggies]

I agree with all of the above. I also have hands on grandparents and as a single mom I am eternally grateful. I had spoken of maybe taking them with next time but DD mentioned one night that Disney is something special that she and I do and could we please have one more trip with just the two of us?

This was how I broke the news:

I told my parents that we will be doing a family trip with them, but that this next one is something special for DD and I and we are doing it to strengthen the bonds of our relationship. I also pointed out that I would never manage without their ongoing support and that I am so blessed to have them so interested and involved in DD's life. I also told them that it is because of all the effort and love they put into our family when I was a child that I value the importance of this special time for immediate family.

You know what? They saw this as a compliment to them and are so excited for us. I haven't told them that I have booked yet as this is a surprise for DD, but although you have to be direct, there are nice ways to do it and no doubt in your case, you will be being very sincere too.

 

[2Tiggies]

Oh, by the way, the thing about the kids wanting to be around their grandparents more than you - that is normal, but it is a stage they go through - and grow out of. Grandparents arent as strict usually so it always looks good to them, but when something goes wrong, it is YOU they will ask for!

 

[malibuconlee]

Just tell your mom that while you have enjoyed the past few trips together the next one is just for you, your husband and the kids. You need some time just the 4 of you.

Then chat with your husband and I suggest you take a trip somewhere just the two of you while grandma and grandpa take the kids. If they take them to Disney, well more power to them. It's not like you are going to miss the first time they went to WDW.

 

[mjkacmom]

Just tell your mom that while you have enjoyed the past few trips together the next one is just for you, your husband and the kids. You need some time just the 4 of you.

Then chat with your husband and I suggest you take a trip somewhere just the two of you while grandma and grandpa take the kids. If they take them to Disney, well more power to them. It's not like you are going to miss the first time they went to WDW.

I think you need to put your foot down, and say you want a trip with just the 4 of you. However, if my parents wanted to take my kids, I'd let them in a hearbeat - what memories for the grandparents and the kids! Dd13 has gone on vacation with my SIL for 2 weeks for the last couple of years, and loves it.

 

[brymolmom]

I'm not quite sure how 'getting her to compromise' ever came into the conversation. Was this a trip that you were PLANNING together but then you changed your minds and asked her to bow out?

Not sure how that would even be an issue if you just said 'hey Mom, we're going to do a trip as a family of 4 this year',

And as to the bringing the kids out of state, that one is easier just tell them the kids are too young for you to feel comfortable with that - doesn't matter how old the kids are -that can be the excuse no matter what the age.

 

[bigbabyblues]

We don't want anyone to go on any trip with us, so we just don't tell them we're going until a week or so before we leave.

I can relate to the kiddos wanting to be with the grandparents all the time, mine are the same way.

 

[ogreenlee]

Be completely honest. Say, "Mom, the four of us are going to Disney on such and such date. Now, I know this may hurt your feelings, but DH and I are jealous of the attention that you guys get from the kids when we all go together. So this time we are going alone. We love you and love our time there together, but we really want this to be just us, and I hope your feelings aren't hurt as that's the last thing we'd want to do, but it is really important to us."

 

[maxiesmom]

I'm a bit confused. From your post it sounds as if you are all going to Disney World, but that you want one day without your parents around. Is that right? If everyone is going to Disney World I can't imagine telling the parents to esentially bug off for one day.

I understand you wanting to take a vacation with just your hubby and kids. And if that is the case, then you do need to find a way to tell your mom that that is what your family needs right now. But if you are all traveling together I think it would be rude to all of a sudden say that you want a day without them.

 

[Allison]

You handle it by telling your mother what your family is going to do. Period. Mom doesn't get to make the plans for your family.

 

[wtrmlnlabs]

Really, she's had 3 trips to Disney with them, how many grandparents can say that? We've had similar issues with my MIL, we've basically had to tell her it's not her family we need to do what's best for us... including vacations. Our relationship is not a "good" one though, it sounds like yours is so you'll need to be more tactful than we were, but still, you need that family time to yourselves... just find a way to basically say "you're not invited this time".
Good Luck, I know it's so hard dealing with this, esp when it's a good relationship overall.