Help calm me down or fire me up... (about my DD) update pg 3

[tar heel]

It's so hard being a Mommy! I think you are probably overreacting a bit unless this becomes a pattern. The most important thing you've got to do now is to NOT let your daughter know you are upset about this. Stress the positive with her. She will have a much better chance of going to school tomorrow and having fun if you do. Remember to always ask her about the good things before the bad, too.

I think you know that the school didn't intentionally put your child in a class where she has no friends, too. It's just the way it works out sometimes. We live in one of the fastest growing counties in the entire country. Because of this, our elementary schools are huge and have eight-ten classes at each level -- it's not unusual to only know three or four kids in your class when you're in fourth or fifth grade! We also are dealing with opening new schools (which means some of your friends no longer go to your school even though neither of you moved). I actually breath a sigh of relief each year when I see that my ds and his best friend are NOT in the same class -- they would be in trouble all the time! BTW, they are in the fifth grade and have NEVER been in the same class.

 

[Microcell]

DD and I did some more talking and it turns out that she did play with a couple of kids, not in her current class, If it is not wall to wall play then she is miserable. We talked about what she could do if others didn't seem to want to play and she said she would work on the monkey bars or something. I hope it gets better. Thank you all for helping me calm down, though the recess teacher will know my and DD's names!

 

[Pop Daddy]

nothing upsets a more thenif are kids are being hurt, what I did would depend on how old your daughter is ?

 

[Microcell]

She is 6 and a young six too. I wish I would have held her back so she could be the oldest instead of the youngest!!

 

[ZachnElli]

As the parent of 2 kids who will be the "new" kids at school, please ask her to make friends with the new kids! She doesn't have to know everyone. My kids won't know a single kid in either of their classes. The new kids, I can guarantee will be very anxious to have a new friend!

 

[kwdietrich1]

I would definitely talk to the teacher. It was unexceptable behavior even for the first day. As much as we would like to, teachers cannot see everything. We have a very tough anti-bullying policy in our district. We have had 3-4 students expelled or sent to alternative school for pushing students that eventually escalate to something much worse. Many (parents, classmates) shrug it off as normal juvenile behavior, but nowadays you have to careful.

As far as your daughter making friends, she will. The first day is always the hardest and most awkard. I'm sure all will work out

 

[disykat]

I am glad you are calming down - because going to school with the intention of "putting the fear of God" in the recess teacher is never as good thing - regardless of our mommy instincts!

I have a little bit of a different take on things. My opinion is that you DON'T want the recess teacher to know your child's name(assuming there are large numbers of kids out at the same time). You DO want to make sure they know the bullies' name though!

I think the classroom teacher will be the one who can help you the most with helping your daughter form friendships (though I'd give that issue a week or so to try working it out herself). She can also clue the recess teacher in to the bully - and it will carry more weight coming from a teacher. Parents that are reporting already during the first week of school might not be taken as seriously.

I don't mean to sound mean, I'm just speaking from my experience. I talked to the recess teacher once when my son was in first grade - he's now in 6th. It was very clear to me that she was just rolling her eyes at me and not listening to a word I said. She didn't know me or my child and clearly thought I was "one of those parents". I can still work up a lather over it years later because my son was very upset, but I still wish I'd never talked to the recess lady.

 

[JPN4265]

Originally posted by Microcell
Pop daddy I know this is a long post, but I am pretty stinking mad right now.

My DD is a likeable kid and has friends in the neighborhood. Today was her first day of school, first grade, and they put her in a class where she knew ONE girl (who is a major brat) and only a couple of boys. She says she asked many people to play and they all said no. She started to cry (at home) and then said a boy pushed her off some play equipment- a bigger boy. I will be speaking (read putting the fear of god) to the recess teacher for that.

I don't know if I am too sensitive (like her) or if I should see about changing classes? Be honest, have any of your kids had hard first days and it gets better or does the whole year generally go bad if the first day is rotten? If the latter is more common, then I really want to change her class.

Tell me any suggestions or comments you have.

Way to sensitive. You have to let your kids work through the hard times. Its the only way they can learn how to handle themselves. Its hard, but sometimes you just have to be the support staff.

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by Microcell
I need to walk a fine line here, but I kinda think the squeaky wheel gets the grease so I figure if I talk to the recess teacher she may look out for my girl more.

I'm really sorry your DD's feeling got hurt on the playground but as another poster said unless she was physically injured I'd let it go. You've told her to let the recess teacher know if it happens again and that's a wise thing. The teacher has only 2 eyes and sometimes things happen out of her line of sight.

As far as the classroom situation goes I'd give it some time. This could be a wonderful opportunity for your DD to learn to make new friends. By switching classes right away you also send the message that whenever she's unhappy you'll fix it.

I have to say the comment you made above really bothers me and I'm hoping you didn't mean it as it sounds. Yes, some people who complain about every little thing and don't stop until they've been satisfied usually do get what they want but at the expense of others. Just be careful though because this also can turn into "the boy who cried wolf".

 

[poohandwendy]

Yep, overreacting, but I understand it's hard to see our kids hurt.

I would take the angle that this is an opportunity for her to meet new people and make new friends instead of dwelling on what went wrong. She needs reassurance that she can deal with new situations. Focus on the positive experiences she has had in school.

Sometimes it is our job to help our children cope with uncomfortable situations rather than make sure they have none at all. I think this is one of those times. You gave her ideas about what SHE can do next time (ie, talk to her recess teacher), I think that and reassurance is all she will need at this point. Give it time.

Unless the situation becomes a real problem (one day is not enough to determine that she is having a real problem adjusting), I would allow her time to find her own way.

Good luck to you and your DD.

 

[my3kids]

I am a nice person, but honestly, I wouldn't even entertain the complaints. I would never allow my children to think that school classes should be assigned on the basis of friends. I can't imagine even considering changing classes. She'll make new friends, keep the old ones, and learn to relate to all sorts of people. If she always relies on an old friend, how will she learn to make new ones?

I truly believe that young children react in ways they see the parents react. If she senses you want her out the class, she'll probably not invest a lot of resources in trying to make the best of it. If she senses that this is just the way things are; and that sometimes she'll love her class and teacher, and sometimes she probably won't but that you love her and expect her to do her very best regardless, then she'll probably step up to the plate.

I was so disappointed with one of my children's placements last year, but the child never knew that.

 

[JayBee]

Originally posted by my3kids
I am a nice person, but honestly, I wouldn't even entertain the complaints. I would never allow my children to think that school classes should be assigned on the basis of friends. I can't imagine even considering changing classes.

To me they cut up more in class with good friends there. They are always at the playground.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This year dd is in a class where she knows only 1 person. I am glad they mix them up. My dd doesn't have a "best friend" and is still looking for someone.

It is hard sending them off to fend for themselves. My dd is in 2nd. I have a dd that is in 8th so I have been through most situations already.

I think the solution to encourage her to speak up is the best thing you can do. At this age they will be directed by someone who is there at that moment and it will also give them a sense of "in charge" over their environment.

Now if she shows signs she is not handling it well after your encouragement, then you step in. Most of the time the kids surprise you!

 

[Microcell]

Well, day three and all is well! I told her she must have had Firstdayitis. I know I am sensitive like most of you indicated! Today was the first day that she even knew I was worried about her. I said "You know I felt sad for you on your first day becasue you were sad, but uit must have been firstdayitis" she just laughed and said that is the first new word I learned all week! I had been telling her to tell me the first new word she learned.

I do want to say that I still believe that if the situation had been worse, like if she was being consistantly bullied, then you bet your booty that I will, without hesitation intervene and change classes if need be. My daughter should not have to suffer because of some kid who gets a charge out of bullying- consistantly, which did not happen here.

I think I would also get to the bottom of why no one liked her if that was the case too. It is not and I am thankful, but if I don't advocate for school at least being tolerable for her, then who will?

 

[padams]

I am glad the situation improved. ITA, if you don't stick up for your child, who will? I hope the rest of the school year is a good one!

 

[shortbun]

I'm so glad your DD is feeling better! I just read the thread
this minute and moved directly to the update hoping for some
better news.
In my son's school, children are intentional paired with their friends unless parents ask for a split. Some do because kids
are too obsessed or competitive/bullying. Bullying is not
allowed and we have a special program in place regarding
bullying. All the children, teachers and parents(who could attend)
were trained in anti-bullying behavior, what to say to a bully,
who to report bullying to, what exactly was considered bullying
and finally-the consequences. After the 1st report, an intervention is done by teachers and principal(not scary, helpful
and more work on awareness of what behavior is not ok), after
a 2nd report, parents are called in and conferenced with more
training-role playing and closer monitoring of the child. A third
offense requires a one day suspension and playground/classroom
controls including one on one supervision even escorting the
child to the bathroom. To my knowledge, this third has not happened to anyone as of yet. The intervention is very thorough.
I recommend the program, it's fairly new and being tried at schools all over the country. Ask your principal, go to Pta and
bring it up.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, I'm glad things have "settled down". Must have been a case of "Firstdayitis" for everyone, including maybe the "pusher".

You know, my next-door neighbor is a teacher, and she always tells me stories about parents who come in after the first day of school with multiple concerns etc. She does appreciate the "heads up", but she also really tries to counsel the parents to hold off on any drastic changes for at least a few weeks. It has been her experience in 17+ years of teaching that the first 2-3 weeks of school are a little chaotic, and then everybody starts to settle in. Now of course, there are always the exceptions to the rule, and each situation is considered individually, but in general, that has always been her experience. Teachers do like a "heads up"...ie- "Susie told me that Johnny Smith seems to push and fight a lot during recess"...that way the teacher can keep an eye on Johnny and see if he is really a bully or is Susie just a bit sensitive?

She also recommends allowing children todeal with a little adversity and try to rectify situations on their own(unless they are dangerous of course!) before stepping in. One of the comments she always makes to me is that it seems liek parents no longer want their kids to have todeal with anytihng negative. That, of course, doesn't enable them to develop the coping mechanisms they will need later in life.

A hard job, being a parent.