Helicopter/controlling parents

[binny]

I have a 13 year old son right now. Most his friends put homework first. In his core group of about 15 friends, only 2 slack off on homework. And boy, do the rest of them give those two grief. They are constantly telling those two how stupid they are for forgetting their homework. In fact, DS is at his friends as I type working on a big project due next week.

After they get their work done, then they will go out and play basketball.

So, in my experience, definitely not all 13 year olds have homework issues. In fact, I would say it is exactly the opposite. By 13, the kids seem to have become pretty serious with homework and grades.

Well I guess we'll have to agree to disagree because the kids I know are much different. Middle school is the worst in my experience. Once they hit HS things seemed to change over night for him. Out of all of his friends that I know it was the exact opposite from what you describe. There were 2 boys in the GT class (out of about 15-20) that were seriously pushed by their parents and they were the only ones who really got everything in on time.

Most of them, although brilliant, just took a little while longer to get it together and most of us as parents let them take the time they needed.
If it had continued on I might have gotten a lot more strict but as it was I think I did ok. Im quite proud of who he is today.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Think about this. It sounds like you may be just a little too emotionally involved here and may need to back off a bit. Remember you are hearing this from the child's viewpoint - which might be slightly slanted.

Unless they are abusing her you need to let the parents make their own decisions. Listen to her, etc. - but don't get too upset over it. I probably agree with your ideas more than theirs - but it is not worth getting aggravated over it. She'll live.

Maybe you could lend her some books to read or let her read when she is at your home.

My emotional involvement is with my DD, since she is so upset about her friend not being allowed to read and not being allowed to do what she wants. My DD lends her books whenever her friend wants them.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Mind you own business, how she parents her child is absolutely none of your business. Why in the world would you even consider talking to her about how to deal?

You said she doesn't like the way you parent. Would you like it if she came and told you how to parent your children?

Just because your way works for you, does not mean it is the only correct way to parent.

FWIW - My mom had to limit my reading also. I would have read so much that I would have eventually gotten to the point that I would have shut out everybody. And believe me, I twisted the reasons why my reading was limited to make my parents sound incredibly horrible to my friends and their parents because I was being a teenage brat.

That mother may have her reasons for what she is doing. Even if she is just a wacky helicopter parent, unless the child is being abused or neglected, it is absolutely not your place to talk to offer unsolicited advice

Hmm...I never said I would talk to the mother. I am old enough and an experienced enough parent to know when to mind my own business. I would never offer advice unless asked.

If someone gave me advice, that wasn't asked for I would just tell them I have a track record of successful parenting and point to my 2 adult sons . I have been there and done that. I have been a mom for almost 27 years..beleive me I know when to keep my mouth shut, and I also know when to ask for advice.

I feel very sorry for a kid that can't feel they can talk to their parents...that can lead to all sorts of issues. I know this one first hand, which is why I made sure my DD will talk to me .

And this was a vent, I never said I would talk to the mom.

 

[Mermaid02]

Is the Dad a shady used car dealer? Does the Mom like to gamble and go bowling? Is their last name Wormwood?

 

[scdak]

I cant imagine not reading, I would be lost. Books are my favorite gifts to give to all my nieces and nephews, I start buying them before they are born! In fact, its a rare occasion that I don't buy books to give as baby shower presents to coworkers, reading can never start too soon.

Being forced to be active in sports is another story, there are many other things a child could do if the parents are so concerned with reading too much, some people are not cut out to be in sports.

 

[5lilfish]

I have a 13 year old son right now. Most his friends put homework first. In his core group of about 15 friends, only 2 slack off on homework. And boy, do the rest of them give those two grief. They are constantly telling those two how stupid they are for forgetting their homework. In fact, DS is at his friends as I type working on a big project due next week.

After they get their work done, then they will go out and play basketball.

So, in my experience, definitely not all 13 year olds have homework issues. In fact, I would say it is exactly the opposite. By 13, the kids seem to have become pretty serious with homework and grades.

My son is 13. i also have an 11 yr old and 10 yr old (and two 3 yr olds). All 3 of the older kids do their homework without question. I don't have to ask them about it. It just gets done. Sure, every now and then (as in rarely, but it happens) an assignment might get forgotten or turned in late.....but homework problems are definitley not the norm around here. Studying is a little lacking sometimes but since their grades are good, I don't push it too much.

I don't like hovering...but I do agree that sometimes it's good to push the comfort zone. It's good to introduce kids to things they might not imagine themselves liking...you never know. I just took my 3 yr old twins to a play gym last week. There was one of those inflatable slides. They did not want to do it but I knew they would love it. I carried them up to the top the first time and pretty much made them try it. After that, they had to have happily gone down that slide 25 times. They loved it...if I hadn't made them try it they would never realized how much fun it is. All of my kids play sports and take an instrument so I've never had an issue there. If they were not into ANY sports, I would probably tell them something like, "You need to pick some sort of physical activity. I do not care what it is but being active is important."

Jess

 

[JoiseyMom]

Is the Dad a shady used car dealer? Does the Mom like to gamble and go bowling? Is their last name Wormwood?

I loved that movie!!

 

[fey_spirit]

Fiction (whether in book or tv format) can help teach us to look at the world in a new way, and encourages the growth of our imaginations.
Video Games (depending on the game) teach hand eye coordination, and creative problem solving, they can also teach time management.

I can get why a parent would want to limit the amount of time spent on these activities - but I don't see any reason for cutting them out completely.

I have many friends that believe that reading fiction is a waste of time - like watching TV or playing a video game. Once a child is a very proficient reader, I get it. Sounds like this child is already a developed reader. Maybe they should encourage her to read non-fiction instead of pushing her into things that she doesn't enjoy.

That said, we also need to push our children's comfort zone.

(BTW, we buy lots of books).

 

[fey_spirit]

Because it was also stated that she is not an atheltic child. Forcing a child to be on a sports team when they have no skill or talent is a great way to damage self esteem. Not only are the put in a situation where they will fail over and over again - but the other kids on the team are going to make their lives a living he!! because they feel the kid is holding them back. At least that's how it happened to me.

Your point of view is interesting to me for many reasons.

1. Why is it bad parenting to force a child to play a sport and do academic activities during school? Maybe being allowed to read all day is worse parenting. (And that is coming from a former children's librarian.)

 

[tasha99]

I guess I was just trying to say that there are many parents out there restricting reading for different reasons. Parents who do so are involved parents. They may be making different decisions than you or I would make, but they are involved.

They are involved, but uninformed. Reading is how complex syntax and vocabulary are learned. Think about it--kids who don't read aren't exposed to the rich vocabulary of literate language except through the 20 or so vocabulary words that the teacher puts up on the board each week. Even if a child learned every vocab word taught, they would be way, way behind their reading peers who pick up thousands of new words in books through context every year. Non-readers are hearing words like "green" while readers are exposed to words like "verdant." Readers in high school will have higher SAT scores and readers in college will have higher GRE scores, almost certainly, than those who don't read or read very little.

Edit: Also, kids learn about morphology through reading which can improve spelling skills and build vocabulary. That's how children learn the relationship between words like sign (with the silent g that is missed in conversation) and signal. It's why people in spelling bees ask for the language of origin and if certain roots are involved.

 

[mjkacmom]

wow I thought all 13 year olds had HW issues. At least thats what everyone I know says. My own son sure did! His teacher at the time told me it wasnt until he was a freshman in HS that he realized that grades actually matter. And both of his parents were teachers! Well, wouldnt you know it? DS is a Freshman this year and sure enough he pulled it together and has all As and Bs. BTW, he is gifted too so it wasnt that he couldnt do the work, in fact he often did it, it just didnt make it to school. He simply didnt care.

My dd13 doesn't have homework issues. She's in all honors classes, always on the high honor roll, and I don't even know what assigments she has - she just does them. She hates to read (I read a novel a week), and doesn't confide in me (but her bff does tell her mom everything, and I'm good friends with her, so it's all good). I am her mom, not her bf - she has plenty of friends. I'm good friends with my mom, now that I'm an adult. Not so much as a teen. Now, my 2 other dds will probably confide in me more - different personalities.

All relationships are different, all children are different. Grades are important to all of my children. Is is nature vs. nurture? Who knows.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't get some parents. I really don't. I mean I feel everyone is entitled to raise their children they way they want too..but man some of the decisons just make me go what the heck????????????


DD13 has a bff. This bff is a great, sweet, bright girl. But OMG, her parents!! They won't buy her books anymore becuase they think it is stupid to re-read them and that it is a waste of tiem. (I guess I am stupid then). They think she reads too much .

I understand that she would just read if left to it, but that is what she likes to do. Her parents forced her to try out for a sport (she hates sports and is not an athletic kid). She was forced to join the continental math league. Her parents think they are tyring to make her well rounded, but I see her rebelling like heck in college!! She also never talks to her mom about anything.

Now, my DD loves to read and re-read and has an extensive library. I don't force her to do anything (well, does chores and hw count?). She and I talk about everything! And yes I do mean everything! She and I are very open, and she knows she can come to me about everything. She calls me her bf.

Another friend of hers in school was cutting (not badly..but just kinda scratching at first) herself. DD and her overprotected friend tried to help her. DD told me something was going on, but she wasn't ready to tell me yet, since she didn't want to break her freinds confidence. I told her if she was being harmed she had to tell me. DD said she understood. 2 days later DD tells me what is going on, and asks my advice. I tell her that she has to go to the school guidance counselor and they will get her the help she needs. Now, her bff's mom, knows nothing about this or anything going on in her DD life. The girl is being helped now, and her mom was very grateful to my DD for getting her DD help.

I am not buddy buddy with this women, but I know her well enough if I suggested different ways of dealing I would be shut down. SHe is a very domineering women.

I am sure she doesn't like the way I parent. Our DD has issues with doing HW and finishing assignments. I am not the perfect parent, but forcing and making and hovering is not going to make a good young adult, who will need to make their own decsions for themselves.

I know my methods have worked so far. My 2 adult sons, cook, (one bakes and makes home made bagels), clean, do laundry, sew and are all kinds of self-sufficient. All their gf friends want a guy just like them .

I really feel sorry for this kid. She is so bright and sweet, I just wish her parents would back off and let her live her life and make her own decisions.

THanks for the vent

I am going to re-read something now!!

My dd is also 13 and has anxiety/depression issues. She is 100% on track now but ignoring not turning in work is not a good plan either.

And she is not self sufficient yet.

However my dd talks to me and is learning how to handle life. She is SLOW as dirt in that regard.

You might not agree with me there however I am doing what I need to do for my child.

That being said she is a perfectionist straight A student, very smart, teachers love her, she is in challenge classes, etc.....

There is a fine line between letting your child fail to "grow up" and recognizing a REAL problem.

What if you got her some help with her not turning in her homework? You might find that she is having some anxiety issues that you are not addressing. My dd has been helped tremendously with meds and her counselor. She ready to excel to the max in school.

It goes both ways.

 

[mjkacmom]

There is a fine line between letting your child fail to "grow up" and recognizing a REAL problem.

What if you got her some help with her not turning in her homework? You might find that she is having some anxiety issues that you are not addressing. My dd has been helped tremendously with meds and her counselor. She ready to excel to the max in school.

It goes both ways.

Can't agree more. I made a big mistake this year with ds12. He's always shown signs of ADD, and I have met with his teachers every year, and they said that since he gets mostly A's (and a few B's, which he shouldn't be getting), not to worry about it. This year, he got a few B's in core classes, which will keep him out of honors classes in middle school. I met with his teacher, and she said it's a focus issue, he knows the material 100%, etc, and we might want to consider medicating him.

Before this meeting, we were letting him sink or swim, just like what we did with dd13. She swam. We didn't ask about his homework, tests, projects, etc., and he ended up bombing some things, because he forgot to do some work. In the past 2 months, since that meeting, he's gotten nothing less than a 98% on anything, is a point away from an A- in these classes (91.5), and all it took was us asking about his homework.

With the other kids, I'll wait until I'm sure they can manage on their own before stepping back.

 

[Magpie]

My emotional involvement is with my DD, since she is so upset about her friend not being allowed to read and not being allowed to do what she wants. My DD lends her books whenever her friend wants them.

Oh... I can sympathize with this!

My daughter is 14 and lately she's been comparing her friends lives to ours, and she's appalled. So far I've heard about the Chinese Grandpa who won't speak to a friend's little sister because "she's a girl and not even gifted, so she's worthless". I've heard about the child who vomited in class because he got less than 100 percent on a test and was scared of what his parents would say. I've heard about the screaming fights my neighbour has with her teenage daughter (my kids left their house and came home once, because they were freaked out by the fighting). I've been getting regular updates on the breakdown of another girl's parent's marriage, and why her dad is a big jerk. It just goes on and on.

Oh, and because my daughter has an eidetic memory, I've been getting most of these reports verbatim, in the exact words they were told to my daughter.

When children are small they believe that their family lives are normal. They assume that everyone has similar experiences. When they get to be 12, 13, 14, they realize that not everyone is the same. They get very curious about it, and they start comparing their life to the lives of their friends. It's normal! It's how they learn to be wives, husbands and parents themselves. How many of us made promises to ourselves, "Someday, when I'm a parent, I'll...!" when we were this age? Some we kept, some we didn't.

I'm very fortunate right now because my children have decided they like the way they are being raised. I was much harsher on my own mother. As an adult I can see that my mother loved me passionately and just wanted better for me than she ever had. As a 13yo, though, I resented her, and you can bet my friends heard all about it.

So when my daughter brings a story home, here's what I say...

"Is your friend in danger?" (So far the answer has been no, and for the record - having to sleep on a mattress on the floor doesn't constitute 'danger'!)

"Is anything illegal being done here?" (Sometimes we have to discuss this, because she doesn't always know what's legal and what isn't.)

"Just remember, different families have different ways of doing things. Just because we do things our way, doesn't mean everyone has to follow our lead. We have the freedom to make our own choices."

"Be there for your friend, but remember, it's not your job to solve her problems. Just listen to her and support her. Sometimes all people need is a sympathetic ear."

And finally, "That's sweet, hon, I'm glad you like being part of this family. I love you, too."

 

[Christine]

I
I have created a relationship with my only dd that is open and she can come to me about anything, and does. I hope it continues, and I will do my best to keep that communication open, especially durning HS. She knows I will listen to her...that is very very important. Her bff doesn't have that iwth her controling parents, and will turn to her handful of friends. I feel bad because they are going to different HS, and that is going to be very difficult for her bff, but I hope she stays close so that she has my DD to talk to!

You really cannot know the inner dynamic of a family. I don't know the situation so I can only assume that you do and are on good authority of the inner working of this family. But I think you are doing a disservice to this girl's family by totally taking the girl's perspective on everything. My best friend has two daughters. The oldest girl tells her EVERYTHING. Way more than she ever wanted to know and continues to do so as a young adult. The younger daughter tells her mother barely anything. Same mom, two different pesonalities. I'm sure my friend would feel bad if she thought people were out saying that she must be a controlling parent because the younger daughter won't confide in her for things. It's a personality issue between the parent and the child and it's not "bad" or "wrong."

I was an only child, very close to my mom. I still never wanted to confide in her about very personal issues and I still don't. It's not her, it's me. I prefer to do that with my very best friend who is in similar circumstances as me.

My own daughter is mixed in how our relationship is. There will be days where I hear way more than I want to know, and days where there's something going on that she chooses not to tell me and works it out with her friends. No big deal. I do know that she does have friends that go to their moms for EVERYTHING. I don't feel I've done something wrong with my parenting because she doesn't do that.

As for sports, I hated sports and my kids do too. I honestly wish my mom had been more forceful with me in the recreational sports area. I could have used it. I pushed my kids a bit more and they did do some things (not as much as I liked) but I meant well and I'm sure these parents do too.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

My parents used to complain that I read too much (and my mom was an English teacher!). They couldn't complain about me being not well rounded, I did a whole slew of activities and got great grades, they just thought I needed to get out more and do things on weekends and not sit in my room and read all day. However, they never refused me to read. If they had, I would have just snuck books into my room and read at night or gone into the woods and done so. I already read during quiet times in class, at lunch and on the bus. Sorry, reading was more important to me than following their silly rules. Don't worry about the 13 year old friend. She'll find a way if she wants to.

Just a note, but I read fiction and non-fiction, I just think fiction is more fun.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Can't agree more. I made a big mistake this year with ds12. He's always shown signs of ADD, and I have met with his teachers every year, and they said that since he gets mostly A's (and a few B's, which he shouldn't be getting), not to worry about it. This year, he got a few B's in core classes, which will keep him out of honors classes in middle school. I met with his teacher, and she said it's a focus issue, he knows the material 100%, etc, and we might want to consider medicating him.

Before this meeting, we were letting him sink or swim, just like what we did with dd13. She swam. We didn't ask about his homework, tests, projects, etc., and he ended up bombing some things, because he forgot to do some work. In the past 2 months, since that meeting, he's gotten nothing less than a 98% on anything, is a point away from an A- in these classes (91.5), and all it took was us asking about his homework.

With the other kids, I'll wait until I'm sure they can manage on their own before stepping back.

That is awesome.

With my dd once she got a handle on the depression with meds, we went to work on the root causes with a counselor.

It was simple common sense stuff but the counselor broke things down and she worked in stages all this past school yr. She was overwhelmed with everything. She would miss class and then not turn stuff in and then began the spiral downward.

The solution she came up with was to organize everything in a way that did not stress her out. She found out she CANNOT do things under pressure. She needs to stay on top of her work and do it in a scheduled fashion.

Once she did that she said she could not believe how much stuff she was supposed to organize and remember and no wonder she was messing up.
Between the A days and B days and if you missed a couple of days for illness it got really insane.

She uses her planner to write the homework down assigned and plan the homework for that day. She also uses a calendar which is on the fridge to write down due dates and appointments, etc....

That way if she starts to question when something is due she can quickly look at the fridge to gauge her progress. That helps with getting things turned in on time.

I highly recommend this system. It is wonderful.