Helicopter/controlling parents

[JoiseyMom]

I don't get some parents. I really don't. I mean I feel everyone is entitled to raise their children they way they want too..but man some of the decisons just make me go what the heck????????????


DD13 has a bff. This bff is a great, sweet, bright girl. But OMG, her parents!! They won't buy her books anymore becuase they think it is stupid to re-read them and that it is a waste of tiem. (I guess I am stupid then). They think she reads too much .

I understand that she would just read if left to it, but that is what she likes to do. Her parents forced her to try out for a sport (she hates sports and is not an athletic kid). She was forced to join the continental math league. Her parents think they are tyring to make her well rounded, but I see her rebelling like heck in college!! She also never talks to her mom about anything.

Now, my DD loves to read and re-read and has an extensive library. I don't force her to do anything (well, does chores and hw count?). She and I talk about everything! And yes I do mean everything! She and I are very open, and she knows she can come to me about everything. She calls me her bf.

Another friend of hers in school was cutting (not badly..but just kinda scratching at first) herself. DD and her overprotected friend tried to help her. DD told me something was going on, but she wasn't ready to tell me yet, since she didn't want to break her freinds confidence. I told her if she was being harmed she had to tell me. DD said she understood. 2 days later DD tells me what is going on, and asks my advice. I tell her that she has to go to the school guidance counselor and they will get her the help she needs. Now, her bff's mom, knows nothing about this or anything going on in her DD life. The girl is being helped now, and her mom was very grateful to my DD for getting her DD help.

I am not buddy buddy with this women, but I know her well enough if I suggested different ways of dealing I would be shut down. SHe is a very domineering women.

I am sure she doesn't like the way I parent. Our DD has issues with doing HW and finishing assignments. I am not the perfect parent, but forcing and making and hovering is not going to make a good young adult, who will need to make their own decsions for themselves.

I know my methods have worked so far. My 2 adult sons, cook, (one bakes and makes home made bagels), clean, do laundry, sew and are all kinds of self-sufficient. All their gf friends want a guy just like them .

I really feel sorry for this kid. She is so bright and sweet, I just wish her parents would back off and let her live her life and make her own decisions.

THanks for the vent

I am going to re-read something now!!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I have many friends that believe that reading fiction is a waste of time - like watching TV or playing a video game. Once a child is a very proficient reader, I get it. Sounds like this child is already a developed reader. Maybe they should encourage her to read non-fiction instead of pushing her into things that she doesn't enjoy.

That said, we also need to push our children's comfort zone.

(BTW, we buy lots of books).

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I really don't get some people. I really don't. I think it's mainly a control thing, and the kid just gets the brunt of it.

On that note, keep up the good work, mama.

 

[starrzone]

I understand that she would just read if left to it, but that is what she likes to do. Her parents forced her to try out for a sport (she hates sports and is not an athletic kid). She was forced to join the continental math league. Her parents think they are trying to make her well rounded, but I see her rebelling like heck in college!! She also never talks to her mom about anything.

Yeah, this is pretty well what my mother did to me, and we have a very shaky relationship because of it. She once told me in elementary school (and we're talking ~20 years ago, so you can tell how much this affected me) "Don't come home from school until you have joined the track and field team". She made me play basketball, curling, and tried to make me join the school choir, all under the guise of being "well-rounded". I too loved (and still love) to read, and would have done that all the time if allowed. I asked her not long ago about why she tried to "force" me to play team sports when I obviously dislike them. Her answer? "You were gaining weight and needed exercise". Found out years later that I've had depression/anxiety issues pretty well my whole life, so all this pressure turned me into a real mess as a kid.

I just wish she had left me alone and allowed me to live my life. I'm a fairly well-rounded person now; I volunteer, go to the gym, hang out with friends, etc. I don't shut myself in a room and read all the time. Of course, she's a wonderful person who was "just doing the best" for me...

ETA: Oh yeah, I forget that she used to "forbid" me to read certain book series (Babysitters' Club, Sweet Valley Twins, etc.) because they weren't "educational" enough. Only award-winners and classics! I learned to read at 4; it's not like I had any trouble with reading...

My brothers can barely, and don't, do anything for themselves. My 25-year old brother has a full-time job and lives at home, and she packs his lunch, makes his bed every morning and does his laundry. Same for my 18-year old brother. They can bake pizzas and microwave leftovers, but that's about it. She does WAY too much for them, IMO.

 

[Ceila]

I have many friends that believe that reading fiction is a waste of time - like watching TV or playing a video game. Once a child is a very proficient reader, I get it. Sounds like this child is already a developed reader. Maybe they should encourage her to read non-fiction instead of pushing her into things that she doesn't enjoy.

That said, we also need to push our children's comfort zone.

(BTW, we buy lots of books).

I hope I'm reading this wrong, but is the bolded part suggesting that once a child becomes a proficient reader, then they no longer need to read fiction? Reading fiction has many, many benefits that go far beyond simply learning to read.

 

[Planogirl]

Everyone in my family reads a lot and we read a bit of everything. Reading isn't just to learn IMO but can be great fun too. I assume that it's OK to have fun once in a while?

 

[DVCLiz]

I don't get some parents. I really don't. I mean I feel everyone is entitled to raise their children they way they want too..but man some of the decisons just make me go what the heck????????????


DD13 has a bff. This bff is a great, sweet, bright girl. But OMG, her parents!! They won't buy her books anymore becuase they think it is stupid to re-read them and that it is a waste of tiem. (I guess I am stupid then). They think she reads too much .

I understand that she would just read if left to it, but that is what she likes to do. Her parents forced her to try out for a sport (she hates sports and is not an athletic kid). She was forced to join the continental math league. Her parents think they are tyring to make her well rounded, but I see her rebelling like heck in college!! She also never talks to her mom about anything.

Now, my DD loves to read and re-read and has an extensive library. I don't force her to do anything (well, does chores and hw count?). She and I talk about everything! And yes I do mean everything! She and I are very open, and she knows she can come to me about everything. She calls me her bf.

Another friend of hers in school was cutting (not badly..but just kinda scratching at first) herself. DD and her overprotected friend tried to help her. DD told me something was going on, but she wasn't ready to tell me yet, since she didn't want to break her freinds confidence. I told her if she was being harmed she had to tell me. DD said she understood. 2 days later DD tells me what is going on, and asks my advice. I tell her that she has to go to the school guidance counselor and they will get her the help she needs. Now, her bff's mom, knows nothing about this or anything going on in her DD life. The girl is being helped now, and her mom was very grateful to my DD for getting her DD help.

I am not buddy buddy with this women, but I know her well enough if I suggested different ways of dealing I would be shut down. SHe is a very domineering women.

I am sure she doesn't like the way I parent. Our DD has issues with doing HW and finishing assignments. I am not the perfect parent, but forcing and making and hovering is not going to make a good young adult, who will need to make their own decsions for themselves.

I know my methods have worked so far. My 2 adult sons, cook, (one bakes and makes home made bagels), clean, do laundry, sew and are all kinds of self-sufficient. All their gf friends want a guy just like them .

I really feel sorry for this kid. She is so bright and sweet, I just wish her parents would back off and let her live her life and make her own decisions.

THanks for the vent

I am going to re-read something now!!

Your point of view is interesting to me for many reasons.

1. Why is it bad parenting to force a child to play a sport and do academic activities during school? Maybe being allowed to read all day is worse parenting. (And that is coming from a former children's librarian.)

2. If she's only 13 she'll probably be on round 4 or 5 of rebellion by college. Rebelling against your parents is normal. I'm very close to my daughters and they tell me "everything" as well - but they both know how to send "back off Mom" signals and I've gotten better at picking those up!

3. A 13 year old who has "issues" with homework and finishing assignments? What's that about? If you don't have any documented learning differences, that just sounds like someone is playing you, Mom.

4. "Back off and let her live her life and make her own decisions?" At 13? Wow, I think of myself as one of the more liberal moms on the DIS but no 13 year old of mine is going to be in control of all of her decisios and her entire life. Sorry, I'm not giving a 13 that much freedom.

 

[SplashMtnCrew]

There are thousands of parents I don't understand.

 

[emer95]

I have many friends that believe that reading fiction is a waste of time - like watching TV or playing a video game. Once a child is a very proficient reader, I get it. Sounds like this child is already a developed reader. Maybe they should encourage her to read non-fiction instead of pushing her into things that she doesn't enjoy.

That said, we also need to push our children's comfort zone.

(BTW, we buy lots of books).

Utter ridiculousness! I am an elementary school teacher. I celebrate every time on of my students picks up a book, and it's almost always fiction. I'm happy even if it's a book he or she has read before. Re-reading a book can be very rewarding. You often pick up on details or nuances you missed the first time.

My 11 year old daughter is obsessed with reading non-fiction books. She has read her Babysitter Club books more times than I can count. Do you think I'm going to stop her, or make this become a battle? Heck no! I'm thrilled that she reads a book instead of turns on the TV. My goodness, there are enough things we battle over (like what a disaster her bedroom is, for example).

To the OP- I just want to say GOOD LUCK to those parents! There are big fish to fry with teenagers and they need to learn to let the little ones go. Holy moley, they're going to be in for one heck of a rebellion.

 

[binny]

Your point of view is interesting to me for many reasons.

1. Why is it bad parenting to force a child to play a sport and do academic activities during school? Maybe being allowed to read all day is worse parenting. (And that is coming from a former children's librarian.)

2. If she's only 13 she'll probably be on round 4 or 5 of rebellion by college. Rebelling against your parents is normal. I'm very close to my daughters and they tell me "everything" as well - but they both know how to send "back off Mom" signals and I've gotten better at picking those up!

3. A 13 year old who has "issues" with homework and finishing assignments? What's that about? If you don't have any documented learning differences, that just sounds like someone is playing you, Mom.

4. "Back off and let her live her life and make her own decisions?" At 13? Wow, I think of myself as one of the more liberal moms on the DIS but no 13 year old of mine is going to be in control of all of her decisios and her entire life. Sorry, I'm not giving a 13 that much freedom.

wow I thought all 13 year olds had HW issues. At least thats what everyone I know says. My own son sure did! His teacher at the time told me it wasnt until he was a freshman in HS that he realized that grades actually matter. And both of his parents were teachers! Well, wouldnt you know it? DS is a Freshman this year and sure enough he pulled it together and has all As and Bs. BTW, he is gifted too so it wasnt that he couldnt do the work, in fact he often did it, it just didnt make it to school. He simply didnt care.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Utter ridiculousness!...

I guess I was just trying to say that there are many parents out there restricting reading for different reasons. Parents who do so are involved parents. They may be making different decisions than you or I would make, but they are involved.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Your point of view is interesting to me for many reasons.

1. Why is it bad parenting to force a child to play a sport and do academic activities during school? Maybe being allowed to read all day is worse parenting. (And that is coming from a former children's librarian.)

I don't think the child should be allowed to read all day, but not wanting her to re-read, and I can see limiting how much reading if they are not doing anything else. But forcing a kid to play a sport that doesn't wnat to? It's forcing..why? If the child really doesn't want to do it?? Why force them? She is also taking music lessons, which she no longer watns to do. I could see, try it for a little while, if you don't like we can disucss it. They don't give her choices, it is their way and only their way, her feelings are not taken into consideration.

2. If she's only 13 she'll probably be on round 4 or 5 of rebellion by college. Rebelling against your parents is normal. I'm very close to my daughters and they tell me "everything" as well - but they both know how to send "back off Mom" signals and I've gotten better at picking those up!

THe girl is 14 and there is no rebellion, she is too afraid of mom and dad. She just gripes about how much she doesn't want to do it.

3. A 13 year old who has "issues" with homework and finishing assignments? What's that about? If you don't have any documented learning differences, that just sounds like someone is playing you, Mom.

That is about my DD having ADD and being very very bright, and willing to take the C instead of studying and getting the A. It is very logically argued and rationalized, unfortunately. I do have to say, that she has gotten better this semester, she is really trying, and doing so much better. I am not playing cop, and the notes have stopped coming home. She isn't playing me, she is just like her dad was as a student .

4. "Back off and let her live her life and make her own decisions?" At 13? Wow, I think of myself as one of the more liberal moms on the DIS but no 13 year old of mine is going to be in control of all of her decisios and her entire life. Sorry, I'm not giving a 13 that much freedom.

I think a 13/14 year old girl or boy, going into HS has lots of choices. I am not telling my DD, you have to take sports. It is her choice. I am NOT going to pick her books for her. I have said that she is not ready to delve into my King collection yet. She can pick her own clothes (she doesn't want designer anything, and is not gonna dress like a 21 year old), I am not going to say you have to do everything my way. My DD has choices, granted it isn't cart blanche A-Z, but A-D, and not just your choice is A. Kids need to learn they will make mistakes and how to move on. Her friends has NO CHOICE in anything!! Her parents don't discuss her options with her. I feel that is wrong. But their kid their choices.

I am far from the best paretn in the world, at times I feel I am the worst. But I do have a track record and have 2 adult sons that are doing well. Perfect..nope...but successful so far.

I have created a relationship with my only dd that is open and she can come to me about anything, and does. I hope it continues, and I will do my best to keep that communication open, especially durning HS. She knows I will listen to her...that is very very important. Her bff doesn't have that iwth her controling parents, and will turn to her handful of friends. I feel bad because they are going to different HS, and that is going to be very difficult for her bff, but I hope she stays close so that she has my DD to talk to!

 

[JoiseyMom]

wow I thought all 13 year olds had HW issues. At least thats what everyone I know says. My own son sure did! His teacher at the time told me it wasnt until he was a freshman in HS that he realized that grades actually matter. And both of his parents were teachers! Well, wouldnt you know it? DS is a Freshman this year and sure enough he pulled it together and has all As and Bs. BTW, he is gifted too so it wasnt that he couldnt do the work, in fact he often did it, it just didnt make it to school. He simply didnt care.

LOL...sounds like my DD!! She doesn't care. She did just finish an assignment and did it day by day just liek the teacher said, and DD was like, it is much eaiser the doing it all at once!! Yeah!! I was very happy .

 

[diznygirl]

If I were to force my child to take a sport, he would be out of here so fast! He's good at what he does, which is computers. There are some children his age who have never touched a computer. But they are very good musicians, or athletes.

Everyone is different, and I think it's important to support those things we recognize as being talents and interests in our children, rather than forcing them to do something that is totally out of character for them.

 

[FireDancer]

The not reading fiction or not allowing her daughter to re-read is a bit odd. I re-read Animal Farm, 1984, The Odyssey and some other books every couple of years.

I do understand making her get some physical activity. Growing up we had to go out and play after school every day the weather was nice and we weren't sick. It was like an additional homework assignment from mom and dad. If she isn't coordinated perhaps ball sports are a bad idea but allowing anyone to just sit and so anything whether it is television, reading, or video games, is just not healthy.

I was an honor student and a computer nerd, I am in I.T. now, but I also played and play sports, run, and bike.

 

[Mkrop]

I see nothing wrong with pushing kids out of their comfort zones and maybe making them try new things.

DS12 is an excellent student and is now a voarcious reader. when he was younger he would read all the time but only if assigned or if it was sports related. Didnt matter if it was fiction, it had a sports theme Biographies were on evey sport hero.

Last summer I declared Mom's Summer Reading list and "made" him read Harry Potter. It didnt matter that all his friends loved it. Well he fell in love with the series and read the whole 7 books over the summer.

DS7 would love to do nothing but play video games all day. So I have signed him up for sports. Some he has liked better than others.

It not be the way you do things just different parenting ways.

 

[arminnie]

I just wish her parents would back off and let her live her life and make her own decisions.

Think about this. It sounds like you may be just a little too emotionally involved here and may need to back off a bit. Remember you are hearing this from the child's viewpoint - which might be slightly slanted.

Unless they are abusing her you need to let the parents make their own decisions. Listen to her, etc. - but don't get too upset over it. I probably agree with your ideas more than theirs - but it is not worth getting aggravated over it. She'll live.

Maybe you could lend her some books to read or let her read when she is at your home.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I think somewhere....out there in cyber world...there's a vent post from this friend's Mom.......about YOU. She probably can't understand why you do the things you do. Everyone thinks about things a different way. I'm sure you are as much of an enigma to her as she is to you.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I don't get some parents. I really don't. I mean I feel everyone is entitled to raise their children they way they want too..but man some of the decisons just make me go what the heck????????????


DD13 has a bff. This bff is a great, sweet, bright girl. But OMG, her parents!! They won't buy her books anymore becuase they think it is stupid to re-read them and that it is a waste of tiem. (I guess I am stupid then). They think she reads too much .

I understand that she would just read if left to it, but that is what she likes to do. Her parents forced her to try out for a sport (she hates sports and is not an athletic kid). She was forced to join the continental math league. Her parents think they are tyring to make her well rounded, but I see her rebelling like heck in college!! She also never talks to her mom about anything.

Now, my DD loves to read and re-read and has an extensive library. I don't force her to do anything (well, does chores and hw count?). She and I talk about everything! And yes I do mean everything! She and I are very open, and she knows she can come to me about everything. She calls me her bf.

Another friend of hers in school was cutting (not badly..but just kinda scratching at first) herself. DD and her overprotected friend tried to help her. DD told me something was going on, but she wasn't ready to tell me yet, since she didn't want to break her freinds confidence. I told her if she was being harmed she had to tell me. DD said she understood. 2 days later DD tells me what is going on, and asks my advice. I tell her that she has to go to the school guidance counselor and they will get her the help she needs. Now, her bff's mom, knows nothing about this or anything going on in her DD life. The girl is being helped now, and her mom was very grateful to my DD for getting her DD help.

I am not buddy buddy with this women, but I know her well enough if I suggested different ways of dealing I would be shut down. SHe is a very domineering women.

I am sure she doesn't like the way I parent. Our DD has issues with doing HW and finishing assignments. I am not the perfect parent, but forcing and making and hovering is not going to make a good young adult, who will need to make their own decsions for themselves.

I know my methods have worked so far. My 2 adult sons, cook, (one bakes and makes home made bagels), clean, do laundry, sew and are all kinds of self-sufficient. All their gf friends want a guy just like them .

I really feel sorry for this kid. She is so bright and sweet, I just wish her parents would back off and let her live her life and make her own decisions.

THanks for the vent

I am going to re-read something now!!

Mind you own business, how she parents her child is absolutely none of your business. Why in the world would you even consider talking to her about how to deal?

You said she doesn't like the way you parent. Would you like it if she came and told you how to parent your children?

Just because your way works for you, does not mean it is the only correct way to parent.

FWIW - My mom had to limit my reading also. I would have read so much that I would have eventually gotten to the point that I would have shut out everybody. And believe me, I twisted the reasons why my reading was limited to make my parents sound incredibly horrible to my friends and their parents because I was being a teenage brat.

That mother may have her reasons for what she is doing. Even if she is just a wacky helicopter parent, unless the child is being abused or neglected, it is absolutely not your place to talk to offer unsolicited advice

 

[Mickey's Minion]

wow I thought all 13 year olds had HW issues. At least thats what everyone I know says. My own son sure did! His teacher at the time told me it wasnt until he was a freshman in HS that he realized that grades actually matter. And both of his parents were teachers! Well, wouldnt you know it? DS is a Freshman this year and sure enough he pulled it together and has all As and Bs. BTW, he is gifted too so it wasnt that he couldnt do the work, in fact he often did it, it just didnt make it to school. He simply didnt care.

I have a 13 year old son right now. Most his friends put homework first. In his core group of about 15 friends, only 2 slack off on homework. And boy, do the rest of them give those two grief. They are constantly telling those two how stupid they are for forgetting their homework. In fact, DS is at his friends as I type working on a big project due next week.

After they get their work done, then they will go out and play basketball.

So, in my experience, definitely not all 13 year olds have homework issues. In fact, I would say it is exactly the opposite. By 13, the kids seem to have become pretty serious with homework and grades.