having children/ or not

[WDWorBUST]

Honestly I think if you both desire a child than the rest is just details. My DH and I waited 8 years before having our first. And then we just had our second who was born the day after her sister's 7th birthday. Although we had some fertility issues that played into our timing it is working. DD1 is jealous of the baby, but she is also her biggest fan. As far as finances....we waited until we felt "secure" only for DH to lose his job while I was pregnant with DD1. Then I was let go from my job of 11 years about 3 weeks after returning from maternity leave. However we are just fine and I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[mistysue]

DH and I got married when DD was 5. When she was almost 6 we had her first little brother. He is the center of her world. They completely adore eachother. Now we had her second brother just before she turned 8 and this one "stole her parents."

You can't pick how it will go, but if you want a baby have one. They will adjust. I have 4 siblings and every one of us got enough love. I couldn't imagine having to have my parents all to myself. Seriously? Family vacations with ONLY me and my parents? No thank you, I think any kid would rather have some other kids to share the fun with.

 

[DVCBELLE]

I don't think there is a parent out there that worries about having a 2nd child and how their 1st will feel...regardless of age difference, etc.

There are pros and cons to both...

I can tell you this - my DH is an only child and I wish I had a penny for every time he wished he had a brother or sister. Now that his parents are getting older, he wishes that there was someone else to talk to about them and that they could focus their attention on.

I am one of 4 - and he loves that he is now part of a big family.

While it is possible your son might resent a new baby - it is probably more likely they will become best friends and he will have someone in his life who he will have a special bond with.

As for finances...if everyone waited to have kids when they knew without a doubt they could always afford them...our population would be near extinction!!!

 

[Mikey'swife]

Thought this might be interesting to talk about..

I'm 30 and about to enter into my second marriage. I have a 6 year old from my first marriage. The economy seems so tough right now, I'm factoring finances into my decision to have more children or not. I'm financially stable, and so is my soon to be dh. Heres whats running through my mind.

a) is it fair to my first child
b) what if the child has needs outside of the norm
c) what if i or dh lose our jobs/s.

I was wondering how heavily finances should weigh in on the decision to have /have more children... IYO ?

I think it is MUCH simplier then this- Do you and your spouse want to have a child to raise together? Is that desire worth making sacrifices and taking risks for?

A)Fairness is not a subjective stand that can ever be measured? Is it fair for your child to remain an only? Just as ambiguous.

B)Do have signficant risk factors? If not are you unwilling to accept the baby you got? Life has risks.

C)What happens to your current child? Again no garuntees in life.

If wait until you have ENOUGH money you will never be ready. If you can pay for the birth, formula, diapers and childcare now then that is about as good as it gets.

I think this is one of the decisions that needs to be made on an emotional level unless you have a really strong reason to make it on a logical level.

 

[StephMK]

DH & I married when DD was 4. We had second DD when she was 6. Then DS 2 years later. There are times when I look at our friends who have 1 child & wish I could give ours the type of experiences/camps/lessons that they are able to shower on one child.

It's always a trade off. DD17 & DD11 are very close. It's so cute to see DD1 help DD2 choose outfits, teach her how to do her hair, go shopping together. DD11 & DS9 are also very close, best buddies & mistaken for twins frequently.

There are definitely advantages to having a family of 3-4. Housing, cars, vacations are all easier w/less kids. I wanted to have a 4th but we didn't for many reasons. With the state of things now, I may not have chosen to have a 3rd. However, life would not have been nearly as fun without him.

Everything is a trade-off, it just depends on what you are comfortable with. But I wouldn't let the fear of loving another be the factor. I worried about that too but DD has adjusted just fine.

 

[dispor]

Thought this might be interesting to talk about..

I'm 30 and about to enter into my second marriage. I have a 6 year old from my first marriage. The economy seems so tough right now, I'm factoring finances into my decision to have more children or not. I'm financially stable, and so is my soon to be dh. Heres whats running through my mind.

a) is it fair to my first child
b) what if the child has needs outside of the norm
c) what if i or dh lose our jobs/s.

I was wondering how heavily finances should weigh in on the decision to have /have more children... IYO ?

Quite frankly, I am surprised that the two of you are even engaged, let alone "about to" be married if the question of having children has not been agreed on yet. You say in a later post that your fiance definitely wants kids. You, however, are still deciding if you want more kids or not.

Yes, I realize that people sometimes do change their minds over time, but I hope that you are being up front with your fiance about your hesitation to have more children. You really need to get this settled as soon as possible. I suggest you discuss scenarios, such as what would happen if you needed assistance in getting pregnant. (He may want to pursue all the options, and you may say that you don't want to.)

 

[Colleen27]

I think finances only matter in the most basic sense - that you can afford to feed, clothe, and provide basic needs for however many children you choose to have. I don't think children are entitled to a fully funded college education, brand new everything, or many of the other expectations people place on themselves when it comes to providing for their kids.

I agree with the old saying that if people waited for the perfect time to have children, humans would be long extinct. At some point you have to put the practical aside and just listen to your heart rather than fretting over the details.

Just make sure you work this out prior to marriage - I've seen several friends' marriages split up because one really wanted children together while the other felt "done" with the kids s/he had from a previous relationship, and it is always hardest on the kids who have developed ties to their step parent only to have that person disappear from their lives entirely.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I remarried when I was 34, my ds's were 11 and 12. My DH had never been married and wanted kids. My older boys adored their baby sister and brother when each came along. The term 1/2 is never used in my family. My kids are now ds10, dd15, ds27 and ds28.

I will say this though...my older boys say that having younger siblings really instilled the thought of safety in their minds! LOL...they were very careful while they dated!! They realized the amount of work that goes into babies..and well didn't want anything unplanned!

 

[lovehoney]

I would suggest getting some counseling before getting married. You and your fiance should discuss this. If you don't want to see a counselor I'm sure there are books/workbooks that you could get to open up dialogue between you and your fiance. It is important to get the communication going - especially about children and finances.

Every family is different and has to do what is best for them.

I didn't marry until 28 and because of fertility issues it took 5 years to have my first and another 3 1/2 years for my second. After the 2nd child DH was happy, but I felt like we needed one extra - LOL. We talked and decided we would be open to a child but not use any fertility drugs (chlomid for the other 2). We had 1 more little surprise when I was 42 (I had given up but voila).

 

[beansmom]

i might have a bit of a different prospective on this. I have 3 grown children...and now have 5 grandchildren.

*I* never planned to divorce either of my first 2 husbands....never...but it happened. That made for some financial difficulties for me and the kids over the years. I sacrificed many things (and do not regret a bit of it) while trying to provide for my children.

People lose jobs...especially in this economy NOTHING can be taken for secure. I cannot imagine anything worse than wondering how you are going to feed a child. My oldest son has had some hard times over the last few years and we are often 'forced' to help them out financially. Thank goodness, our other kids have pretty stable situations right now...as parents are often called upon for help even long after kids are grown and 'gone'. Some days you feel like you have all the responsibility of raising a family again.

Is that enough to make me NOT want to have another child? I don't know. Hindsight is 20/20 and while I dearly LOVE my dd...my daddy used to say 'you don't miss what you never had'.

Your decision is, of course, yours alone. But the economy will NOT get much better in our lifetimes...I don't know if I could have another one...even if i wasn't an old bag now.

 

[tnd]

I have an almost 6 year old and just had a baby at the end of April. He loves having a sibling so far, so I don't think you should worry too much about it being "fair" to your older child, if all other things are equal. That's not relevant to your question, I just wanted to share because our kids are similar age.

I absolutely think finances should be a consideration when deciding to add to your family, to a point. You need to be able to care for the child properly. It doesn't mean that you need a $1000 stroller or all new designer clothes, but you need to be able to provide the basics, including medical insurance. You have to look at your overall financial picture, stability of jobs, level of education you have, savings, costs for a new baby (and don't forget medical co-pays and deductibles, cost of maternity leave if unpaid, cost of daycare if needed).

Good luck on your decision!

 

[Pigeon]

I absolutely think finances should be a serious consideration. In my experience, kids are expensive. They generally don't start to get really expensive until they are a few years older than your child, and want to participate in sports, music, etc. We spend many hundreds of dollars a month on music lessons, dance lessons, sports, etc. It is my responsibility to provide a college education for my children, and if I couldn't educate them, I wouldn't have them, period.

Obviously, other people don't choose to send their kids to college or allow them to participate in expensive activities, but for me, those things are part of deciding to have kids.

 

[rockundergirl]

I would suggest getting some counseling before getting married. You and your fiance should discuss this. If you don't want to see a counselor I'm sure there are books/workbooks that you could get to open up dialogue between you and your fiance. It is important to get the communication going - especially about children and finances.
I didn't include this info because i wanted this to be more about the subject matter and less about direct advice to me, but my soon to be dh wants children of his own, but understands if I can't do that for him, we have talked about it at length for over a year now, I'm trying to gain perspective on my own feelings by hearing the opinions of others on this matter.
Every family is different and has to do what is best for them.

I didn't marry until 28 and because of fertility issues it took 5 years to have my first and another 3 1/2 years for my second. After the 2nd child DH was happy, but I felt like we needed one extra - LOL. We talked and decided we would be open to a child but not use any fertility drugs (chlomid for the other 2). We had 1 more little surprise when I was 42 (I had given up but voila).

 

[Tinkerbellie16]

Thought this might be interesting to talk about..

I'm 30 and about to enter into my second marriage. I have a 6 year old from my first marriage. The economy seems so tough right now, I'm factoring finances into my decision to have more children or not. I'm financially stable, and so is my soon to be dh. Heres whats running through my mind.

a) is it fair to my first child
b) what if the child has needs outside of the norm
c) what if i or dh lose our jobs/s.

I was wondering how heavily finances should weigh in on the decision to have /have more children... IYO ?

Having more children is your choice based on your reasons. Finances are certainly a factor and you have to decide what is best for you and your family.

I am one of six kids and could have cared less that we had nothing to spend on well, anything! I love having my siblings. And yes, one of them is mentally disabled and it is a huge responsibility for my mother (my dad passed away when I was young after being in a coma for five years after a car accident).

But if you have any concerns about having more children, then don't. It's ok, everyone makes different decisions and don't feel bad one way or another for your choice. At least you are thinking ahead!

And I agree that while you need to make these decisions, you definitely need to involve your fiance in these decisions as well.

 

[QVCshopper]

I absolutely think finances should be a serious consideration. In my experience, kids are expensive. They generally don't start to get really expensive until they are a few years older than your child, and want to participate in sports, music, etc. We spend many hundreds of dollars a month on music lessons, dance lessons, sports, etc. It is my responsibility to provide a college education for my children, and if I couldn't educate them, I wouldn't have them, period.

Obviously, other people don't choose to send their kids to college or allow them to participate in expensive activities, but for me, those things are part of deciding to have kids.

If my parents believed this, then I wouldn't be here. I didn't do after-school activities until high school, and I put myself through college, graduating with just $16,500 in loans. Anyway, I don't think tons of activites are a necessity for kids; one or two, great. Moderation and simplicity are key in my life.

And regarding college, who knows what were looking at in 15-20 years. I save literally thousands of dollars a year for my kids' college, but will it be enough? I probably will need about $150-200k per child, but that may not be attainable when I'm also trying to save more than that for retirement. Like I said before, the future is unknown. You can only do your best to prepare. I'm not against asking my kids to work a little in college, though. Maybe not as much as I did, but some extra responsibility is beneficial.

 

[jodifla]

I'm another one who thinks money is very important when deciding to have children. Children are the most expensive undertaking you will do in a lifetime, except perhaps starting your own business.

If I were you, I'd take a couple of years to just enjoy being married, and creating a family and fun times for the three of you, and a sold relationship between you and your new husband. Then I'd start revisiting the child issue...I had my child at 40, so really, have you have some time.

 

[sweetsusannah]

I do think finance should be in the equation when talking about a new child but it depends on the extreme that a new child will stretch things for the family. We were a one kid family by choice for 3.5 years and planned to stay that way. Our main reason was financial. We wanted to give our DD access to extra-curricular activities, private school, and travel. My husband was one of six and never had a true family vacation and his extra curricular activities meant babysitting. I on the other hand had only one sibling and got most of those extras in life by parents who budgeted. Well, we had a change of heart and this year had another DD. We are so glad we did. It is amazing to watch the interaction between our girls even this early. It's something that will last well beyond private school and a trip to Europe. It probably wouldn’t be as welcome if it meant that we’d have to eat noodles and beans though.

 

[lovehoney]

You are right, I did get a little off topic. Sorry about that.

) is it fair to my first child
My Dad always had a mantra - The world is not fair. I find myself repeating it to my kids all the time - I'm sure it drives them crazy!

b) what if the child has needs outside of the norm
There are no guarantees and we can't predict what will happen in the future. We could walk outside tomorrow get in a car accident and lose the use of our limbs or our life. Hopefully we can all rise up to the challenges we face in life.

c) what if i or dh lose our jobs/s.
Always a possibility, especially the way the job market is right now. I'm having a hard time finding a job. Having an emergency savings fund and always keeping your skills and resume in top shape will help.

I was wondering how heavily finances should weigh in on the decision to have /have more children... IYO ?

Finances are part of the picture. It depends on you and the lifestyle you choose on the weight it carries.

A long time ago I estimated it costs about 20,000 a year to have another kid. I can't even remember what factors I used at the time but I've sort of stuck with that. I'm pretty sure it is less than that with additional children but you could try and figure it out. I do know that adding on another child means I have to go back to work instead of being a full-time SAHM.