Have you ever stopped your child from being friends with someone?

[luvsJack]

Just remember that the more a parent discourages a friendship, the more attractive that friendship is.

I would just make sure the girls only hang out together with you and let the friendship die out naturally.

 

[kafitty]

I think this situation is a perfect teachable moment about how to treat people. Something about "We don't like what X's fathrer is doing, and think that it is wrong, but that doesn't mean we have to stop caring about X. She probably needs our friendship now more than ever." If the child starts acting or talking inapproistely, then there might be a need to limit contact. To me it is like trowing the baby out with the bathwater to end the friendship.

i do hope, for the poor daughter's sake, that her father isn't becoming addicted to something like cocaine or meth...i realize this is controversial, but there are certainly levels of drugs and abuse, and i hope that he is on the lesser end of the evils, know what i mean?

good luck, OP.

 

[EllenFrasier]

Well, if the OP lets her dd have her friend come over - who is going to pick her up? One of the parents. Or if she drives her back to her house - she'd have to see the parents. See, there would still be contact with the parents.

OP if you feel this uneasy with the situation, then encourage your dd to invite other friends over. Get her busy doing other activities so she does not notice as her friend is no longer the center of her attention. I had a best friend in elementary school, in 5th grade. She was smoking cigarettes, but I didn't try one. I went on a youth group trip with her and her church to a roller skating rink and they girls were in the ladies room smoking - on a Youth Group Trip!!! I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing and couldn't wait to go home. As we entered Jr. High, we drifted apart.

 

[sparklynails23]

I'm really surprised by the posts. I don't see why the girl can not hang out at your house. She probably really needs a stable environment. Losing one of her good friends right now might just send her down a bad path...she has parents who are not involved as they should be, people probably know that her dad is a drug user, and SHE should be punished for that?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't teach that behavior in Church. Do they?

 

[Disney Doll]

When I was 17 (1979), my best friend got pregnant. A big deal back then. She was shunned by many people. Many of our friends' mothers would no longer let their kids hang out with her. My mother did not forbid it. All the other mothers were telling my mother she was nuts, that I was going to end up pregnant, that people were going to think I was "easy" and so forth. My mother's only response to them all was "You have daughters, you have no idea what they are going to do, and if this child ever needed a friend, she needs one now". One mother was particularly vocal about how "cheap" & "loose" my friend was. Karma being what it is, her DD ended up pregnant the next year.

I have to tell you...I noticed. I noticed how my mother had compassion for my friend. I noticed how my mother didn't treat my friend badly. I noticed how my mother tried to help and guide my friend. I noticed how my mother trusted me enough to know that I wasn't going to go out and get pregnant just because my friend did. I noticed how my mother paid attention to what was happening, paid attention to what I was doing,but wasn't crazed. Now, maybe inside she was a wreck, but outside, she was pretty calm, cool and collected about the whole thing...and again, the late 70's were a VERY different world than what we have today with regard to pregnancy outside of marriage.

I'm still friends with that girl today and that baby is a wonderful 31 year old woman. Thanks Mom.

 

[tasha99]

When I was 17 (1979), my best friend got pregnant. A big deal back then. She was shunned by many people. Many of our friends' mothers would no longer let their kids hang out with her. My mother did not forbid it. All the other mothers were telling my mother she was nuts, that I was going to end up pregnant, that people were going to think I was "easy" and so forth. My mother's only response to them all was "You have daughters, you have no idea what they are going to do, and if this child ever needed a friend, she needs one now". One mother was particularly vocal about how "cheap" & "loose" my friend was. Karma being what it is, her DD ended up pregnant the next year.

I have to tell you...I noticed. I noticed how my mother had compassion for my friend. I noticed how my mother didn't treat my friend badly. I noticed how my mother tried to help and guide my friend. I noticed how my mother trusted me enough to know that I wasn't going to go out and get pregnant just because my friend did. I noticed how my mother paid attention to what was happening, paid attention to what I was doing,but wasn't crazed. Now, maybe inside she was a wreck, but outside, she was pretty calm, cool and collected about the whole thing...and again, the late 70's were a VERY different world than what we have today with regard to pregnancy outside of marriage.

I'm still friends with that girl today and that baby is a wonderful 31 year old woman. Thanks Mom.

I think your mom taught you wonderful lessons in how to be a caring human being.

I would have a hard time abandoning a friend (not just my daughter's friend, but the mom, who presumably is a "family friend") in a time of need like that, and I wouldn't want to judge someone else about their parenting style with regard to tv. Kids who are heavily censored come out good and bad, and kids who watch anything they want come out good and bad. Similarly, telling your kid lots of things vs. not is a philosophical difference--one way isn't necessarily "better" than the other since they both have advantages and disadvantages. My advice to the OP: I never go to church and I'm not trying to be holier than thou, but I would try to be there for my friend and her daughter rather than pulling away at this time. Just have all meetings at your house.

 

[hesedshi]

I think you should not end the friendship between your daughter and your friend's daughter compulsively. Maybe you can tell your daughter the reason why you don't want to let her play with her friend. And let her do the choice. You should not force her and make her upset.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Well, if the OP lets her dd have her friend come over - who is going to pick her up? One of the parents. Or if she drives her back to her house - she'd have to see the parents. See, there would still be contact with the parents.

OP if you feel this uneasy with the situation, then encourage your dd to invite other friends over. Get her busy doing other activities so she does not notice as her friend is no longer the center of her attention. I had a best friend in elementary school, in 5th grade. She was smoking cigarettes, but I didn't try one. I went on a youth group trip with her and her church to a roller skating rink and they girls were in the ladies room smoking - on a Youth Group Trip!!! I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing and couldn't wait to go home. As we entered Jr. High, we drifted apart.

I totally understand. The friend's mother doesn't seem to understand the drug use is a problem for the OP! That is startling and hard to work with. It isn't just a nuisance. It's against the law.

If there were ways to maintain the friendship that didn't involve the parents, I'd be okay. Otherwise their judgment would have to factor in severing the friendship. That's just me.

 

[luvsJack]

So letting a parent pick their child up at her house is saying that what he is doing is ok? Just because he does use drugs does not mean he is going to be under the influence around his daughter or if he comes to pick her up from your house. If I walked out to the car to speak to one of dd's friend's parents and saw that he/she was under the influence of drugs or alcohol, I would kindly suggest that we call someone to come and pick the two of them up but I still wouldn't hold it against the little girl. You can't pick and choose your child's friends and you can't pick and choose your child's friend's parents. Somebody already said that you know what these parents are doing, there will be others that you don't know.

This little girl needs a friend now and she very well may need a really good friend in the future. If your child continues to be her friend, she will be there for her. This friendship can certainly continue without putting your child in danger or letting her think you are saying drug use is ok.

 

[OceanAnnie]

So letting a parent pick their child up at her house is saying that what he is doing is ok? Just because he does use drugs does not mean he is going to be under the influence around his daughter or if he comes to pick her up from your house. If I walked out to the car to speak to one of dd's friend's parents and saw that he/she was under the influence of drugs or alcohol, I would kindly suggest that we call someone to come and pick the two of them up but I still wouldn't hold it against the little girl. You can't pick and choose your child's friends and you can't pick and choose your child's friend's parents. Somebody already said that you know what these parents are doing, there will be others that you don't know.

This little girl needs a friend now and she very well may need a really good friend in the future. If your child continues to be her friend, she will be there for her. This friendship can certainly continue without putting your child in danger or letting her think you are saying drug use is ok.

No. To me the relationship between the mothers sounds strained. The mother of the friend doesn't understand the problem it poses to the OP. That kind of puts a monkey wrench in things.

As I said, if the OP's daughter could maintain a friendship without the friend's parents taking my child somewhere or going to her house, I'd be okay. I wouldn't be okay with the dad coming to pick up the friend at my home. And that's not something I think would fly with the family from what was posted. You wouldn't know if he is using or what he is using. I wouldn't want to introduce that element to my family or release a child to someone like that. I wouldn't want it over my head.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

If anything, that child probably needs a friend now more than ever. Shame on you for turning your back on a 12 year old who could use a family like yours for guidance.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I understand that of course. But, I have an obligation to my child to keep him safe. He does not go to anyone's house if the parents are not our close, personal friends. If he wants to hang around with someone out of our circle it will be at our house.
.

Can I ask how old your child is? DD13 has friends who's parents I'm not friends with. Some I know from elementary school, but not those she met in JH. Lucky for me, I'm good friends with ONE of her friend's parents. They all go to each others homes, out to eat, to movies, the mall. My parents certainly weren't friends with my friends' parents, not one of them.

As for interacting with parents during drop off, the unwritten rule here is the kids text the parents as to when they need a ride (or the parents the kids stating they're on their way), and the kids are outside waiting. DH once made the mistake of ringing a doorbell - dd13 was humiliated! It's something we, as parents, joke about when we run into each other around town (and the fact these kids seem unable to set up carpools!)>

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I understand that of course. But, I have an obligation to my child to keep him safe. He does not go to anyone's house if the parents are not our close, personal friends. If he wants to hang around with someone out of our circle it will be at our house.

In my youth, I hung around with plenty of questionable people. I think I have a pretty keen eye and would have the insight to be suspicious of what goes on in other people's homes.

A prior poster mentioned something about "how many layers" of protection would I need to keep my kid safe. If the friend's parent is a user that's one layer. And, yeah, way too close for comfort. BTW, most of the kids I knew in H.S. and college that did drugs had parents who did them as well. I'm not saying that will always be the case, just my experience.[/QUOTE]

OP here - thank you all so much for your opinions...Regarding the bolded part - This is exactly what I am afraid of. I don't have any experience of knowing kids when I was in high school who did drugs because I simply was not allowed to hang out with anybody except for one friend and a cousin. So I am petrified of the drug scene and it can happen to the best of families. I will have to give it some more thought to allow the friend over our house only once in awhile. I know this mom will probably be calling me soon to ask why we don't see them anymore and I'm just going to have to tell her I'm not comfortable with her family situation.

Luckily my daughter does have other friends but she really hasn't been seeing them outside of school too much. Now I am making that all change and having her see all of her friends more.

Your dd is WAY more likely to be exposed to drugs by her peers, and not her friends' parents. I doubt there is a chance, in this day and age, that your dd will not be exposed to drugs, which is why it needs to be a regular conversation. In our town (average home price of $500,000), drugs are rampant. The kids start with their parents pain medication, get addicted, but soon are unable to pay $50 a pill when mom's supply runs dry. Heroin is only about $10 a bag, so they switch over, and get addicted. Twenty HS students started the school year in rehab.

I have never heard of a child being exposed to drugs through parents, and it's sometimes the kids you would never suspect that use drugs.

 

[jodifla]

When I was 17 (1979), my best friend got pregnant. A big deal back then. She was shunned by many people. Many of our friends' mothers would no longer let their kids hang out with her. My mother did not forbid it. All the other mothers were telling my mother she was nuts, that I was going to end up pregnant, that people were going to think I was "easy" and so forth. My mother's only response to them all was "You have daughters, you have no idea what they are going to do, and if this child ever needed a friend, she needs one now". One mother was particularly vocal about how "cheap" & "loose" my friend was. Karma being what it is, her DD ended up pregnant the next year.

I have to tell you...I noticed. I noticed how my mother had compassion for my friend. I noticed how my mother didn't treat my friend badly. I noticed how my mother tried to help and guide my friend. I noticed how my mother trusted me enough to know that I wasn't going to go out and get pregnant just because my friend did. I noticed how my mother paid attention to what was happening, paid attention to what I was doing,but wasn't crazed. Now, maybe inside she was a wreck, but outside, she was pretty calm, cool and collected about the whole thing...and again, the late 70's were a VERY different world than what we have today with regard to pregnancy outside of marriage.

I'm still friends with that girl today and that baby is a wonderful 31 year old woman. Thanks Mom.

Great post! Shocked at the amount of parents who have so little faith in their own children and their parenting to think that having a friend whose PARENTS make bad decisions will immediately lead them on the path to ruin.

 

[descovy]

Here's what is going on.....our family has been friends with this family for 6 years and they have daughters the same ages as ours. The kids get along great and me and DH see the mom more than we see the dad. Recently the mom has confided in us that her husband has been doing drugs with his part time job boss! I had to tell the mom that we would not allow her to take our daughter to her mother's house for a visit because of what her husband does (he would be doing the driving) She didn't like it but I said well, if my husband was doing things like your husband is I'm sure you would feel the same way. Now I am not trying to be holier than thou but we go to church and I think we have pretty good morals and raise our children in a different way than she does hers.......hers hear alot of her problems because she complains in front of them. I've also read on her my daughter's facebook page that her daughter is watching Tool Academy. I had to google it to see what that was all about! Well, it's basically about young adults swearing and speaking about adult topics.

I am trying to back away from this family and that means that my daughter is upset with me because I am not letting her play with her friend. I thought about only having the friend come to our house but I really don't even want that at this point. Oh, they are 12 years old. I know there are going to be kids who might influence mine but as the parent I think I know best about who she can hang out with. My daughter is upset with me but I just keep telling her that her friend's parent is doing something inappropriate and my daughter says but my friend isn't. Also, these kids go to the same school as my daughters. And I know one of these days the mom is going to call me and say something like why aren't the girls playing and I just have to come up with a way to tell her that her family is going in a direction I don't like.

Can I just say, this makes me sad for the 12 year old friend?

Did she do anything wrong? Is it her fault her dad is on drugs? Doesn't she need all the stable support she can get at this time? Or should all her friends in "good families" throw her away?

Maybe, what she needs more than ever is to hang out with the "good people" Less time around her dad, more time around good, positive influences. Protect your child, yes, but be a good citizen and a good role model to someone else (an innocent, here) and impact their life positively. You say the FAMILIES have been friends for 6 years. This means you already are an adult in this little girl's life. I bet you care about her well-being...(now matter how casual your interractions have been) I would stay approachable to her. You never know whan she'll need a safe adult to turn to, and you already have a 6 year relationship to her. Please don't turn your back on her now.

Consider for a moment what life will be like in 2 years when she is 14, and all her "good people" friends leave her because of her dad. Now she's a teenager, abandoned/jaded by old friends in an unstable household. Gee, I wonder what kind of crowd she will run with...

All I can say, is I cringe when people let their kids hang with mine once they learn we go to church, dh and I are still married, or are a girl scout leader. Seriously, people admit later, that think it's "okay" for their kid to be friends with mine because we "the parents" are "good."

It makes me shake my head, because those same kids wouldn't be allowed to hang with me when I was growing up... alcoholic, unchurched, low-income, single father. Yet I was a good kid, never in trouble, an A/B student who later put herself in college, married a nice guy and live the happy suburban, minivan life. I wasn't a throw away friend just because my dad wasn't perfect...

In fact, when I look back on those teen years, I can now see several instances where my friends' parents took an interest in me. I don't think I recognized it then. But yes, I think they were looking out for me. Little things... encouraging me to go out for school clubs (even a ride now and then) I remember baking with a friend and her mom, lots of hanging out, being invited to inexpensive outings, and just time when the parents would chat me up... ask about school, job, etc... Things that you might be already doing with your own adolecent that I wasn't neccesarily getting at home. It may be a big part as to why I am such a "good person" today.

Neither is this girl. She may need you and your daughter's friendship now more than ever. Be a hero.

 

[AustinTink]

I have never heard of a child being exposed to drugs through parents

Happens all the time, much more often than you would ever imagine. Sad, but true.

 

[Boxley]

Happens all the time, much more often than you would ever imagine. Sad, but true.

No it does NOT happen all the time. I was raised in a household where there was recreational drug use and I stayed away from it from seeing what happens firsthand and I also know how it feels to be osctracized because of my parent and it was awful to be judged on something that A CHILD cannot control. It is hard enough to live in that kind of household without the added judgements of others. The little girl needs a friend more then ever and if the OP is that worried about her daughter she can have the friend come over to her house instead of them going over there. I am not saying the OP should take the friend in to live with her but there has to be a place that is free from what is going on at her house.

 

[Cornhusk]

Just let them hang out at your house.

 

[Sparx]

Your dd is WAY more likely to be exposed to drugs by her peers, and not her friends' parents. I doubt there is a chance, in this day and age, that your dd will not be exposed to drugs, which is why it needs to be a regular conversation. In our town (average home price of $500,000), drugs are rampant. The kids start with their parents pain medication, get addicted, but soon are unable to pay $50 a pill when mom's supply runs dry. Heroin is only about $10 a bag, so they switch over, and get addicted. Twenty HS students started the school year in rehab.

I have never heard of a child being exposed to drugs through parents, and it's sometimes the kids you would never suspect that use drugs.

You've really never heard of someone making meth in the house where they have kids? You've never heard of someone smoking pot with their kids in the house? It DOES happen all the time, its called a drug exposed child and DCS will remove the child from the house over it.

To the poster who said they didn't do drugs because their parents did, thats awesome and I'm happy for you, but the opposite is very common too.

 

[mjkacmom]

You've really never heard of someone making meth in the house where they have kids? You've never heard of someone smoking pot with their kids in the house? It DOES happen all the time, its called a drug exposed child and DCS will remove the child from the house over it.

To the poster who said they didn't do drugs because their parents did, thats awesome and I'm happy for you, but the opposite is very common too.

I think you need to be a certain type of family to act in such a manner, and I'm guessing that since the OP has been close to this family for 6 years, they're not the type of people who smoke pot with their kids or set up a meth lab. I personally can't think of any parents who would act like this around their children, at least not here. There have been some parents here who ended up in rehab for prescription painkiller addictions.

I've never known anyone IRL who had a child taken away - if anything, people here tend to over-parent.