Have a sort of stalker, need advice ...

[Head_in_the_clouds]

Right, I feel really big headed saying this but I'm trying to get a guy to STOP liking me .

Trust me, I'm nothing special, I'm not usually beating men off myself with a stick and this actually is a genuine problem as it is really starting to bug me.

I've known this guy for about a year, he is quiet enough, eight years older but a bit awkward and strange. He is my friend's fiancee's brother and she introduced him to us because he didn't have alot of friends and thought he could join in with us on things. Now she has said she wishes she had never introduced him to us as he is being a bit of a pain. The first awkward thing I can remember is a big group of about twenty of us going out for a chinese and him coming and sitting next to me on the "girls" table (when I really just wanted a girly chat with my mates) whilst the people he was closer to were on the other table. I felt kind of uncomfortable *** he was staring etc and tried to make it so I could only talk to him. He was just a bit weird. Next time I saw him was at the christmas party where he followed me around all night and when the man I was sitting with at dinner got up to get a drink from the bar, he came and sat in his seat and started asking me how I was. But over and over again. Like this;

Him; Hi
Me; Oh! Erm, Hi...
Him: So then, How are you?
Me: I'm fine thanks. Are you ok?
Him: Me? Yeah, I'm great.

Big Silence.

Him; So you're alright then?
Me; Yep, fine thanks...
Him; Good.

Big Silence;

Him; So, how are you these days?
Me; I'm great but actually I've just remembered that I forgot to tell someone something ....... have a good night!

I get up and leave at high speed.

Yeah, I know that last bit was really daft but things were getting very awkward and I had to find someway to get away from this guy lol. Anyway, the point is I had to leave my own table because this guy just couldn't grasp that he was making me uncomfortable. And by the way, all the time his eyes were boring into me. He continued to follow me all night. Not saying anything. Just Staring .

There was another party in March and he got really drunk and acted even weirder. I was dancing with the girls and he kept coming up and trying to grab me and my friend. We'd be dancing and there he'd be. Dancing practically ON us. The whole night we'd get up to dance, then he'd come up make an idiot of himself and we would sit down. When we were dancing, he just kept taking pictures of us, without asking. It was like being followed by the paparazzi. At one point I sat down and he pulled the whole christmas party thing on me again. He knelt on the floor in front of me, repeatedly asking if I was alright and staring at me. I ignored him and stared in the opposite direction. But he was still there kneeling on the floor. Staring at me. For ages. The third time he asked me if I was alright - I just shouted, "Yes, Chris I'm FINE! OK?" He looked a bit shocked then went to the bar and started buying us drinks. Even though we had drinks and insisted we didn't want anymore. We were going out into town after and when I saw him following us again, I decided not to go. He had already ruined my night. He went on to ruin my friend's (the one he tried to grab along with me) night and she got upset and went home early. The next day he photoshopped pictures of my friend and I from the party (the ones he was taking without asking) with ones of him and put them on facebook. Making it look like we were together. I hated the idea of him even having pictures of me.
Another party in June, same script. I feel like not going to my mate's parties or nights out now if he is going to be there. He just stares and follows me and ruins my night. Its almost as if he doesn't know that I know he is there. I ignore him all the time and actually turn my back on him when he is staring at me. Whenever my friends are having a private chat he comes and stands with us, but never talks with us. He just stares at me. Or laughs hysterically when I say something remotely funny. He has started conveniently turning up at the pub when I'm there with friends, and sitting opposite me. Staring. Not talking. Just Staring.
The reason I have posted tonight is because my friends have text me letting me know he has changed his facebook status. The other night, during what I though was a semi-private conversation, I was just mentioning to a friend. how much I love Twilight, and having a giggle. He has just changed his FB status to "Reading Twilight.". This is a 33 year old man, I'm talking about here! In previous incidents, I mentioned to my friend how I prefer dark haired men. So he dyed his blonde hair black the next week. Its getting ridiculous. I have not said anything as a) I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm not a cruel person like that.
and also b) I have had a really bad proper stalker situation in the past where things became quite frightening when I told him to leave me alone. Don't want to go into details of the things he used to do but it got to the stage where the police were having to get involved, and I was scared to even walk to my car.
I'm sick of it now though. I'm meeting my friends tomorrow and I know he is going to be there even though none of us talk to him or invite him. What do you think I should do, bearing in mind I am scared because of what happened in the past.

Also, why is it men I AM actually interested in never seem to pay me this much attention ?

 

[irongirlof12]

jeez. how horrible - some folks are just plain weird ( ok some men!) You may have to be/say something really nasty to this guy to get the message across, otherwise tihs could end up messing up your whole social life. you can't really afford to be polite anymore. sending a

I had a similar incident at Uni and I ended up leaving as I didn't know how to deal with it.

 

[pixiepower04]

I just think you need to be honest and just tell him firmly but politely that you're not interested in him in a romantic way and could he please leave you alone, if he doesn't back off maybe tell his brother that he's upsetting you by hanging around uninvited so much.

I also think that by not saying anything he probably thinks there's nothing wrong with what he's doing and will continue to do so until you set him straight. Maybe he thinks you're playing hard to get because you haven't told him to back off.

I feel for you, this is not a nice situation to be in but it needs to be nipped in the bud now.

Good luck

 

[wickesy]

I agree that you need to say something, however reluctant you are. I can only see things getting worse if you don't.

 

[Head_in_the_clouds]

jeez. how horrible - some folks are just plain weird ( ok some men!) You may have to be/say something really nasty to this guy to get the message across, otherwise tihs could end up messing up your whole social life. you can't really afford to be polite anymore. sending a

I had a similar incident at Uni and I ended up leaving as I didn't know how to deal with it.

I think I do have to say something but I am scared of being nasty to him, because of what happened with the other guy when I was nasty to him. It got kind of dangerous with him and I don't want to go back to those days.

I'm sorry you had a similar problem at uni. I can understand why you felt you had to leave . I too don't understand how men can get so weird with these things. I suppose even Mr Darcy was a bit of a stalker .

I just think you need to be honest and just tell him firmly but politely that you're not interested in him in a romantic way and could he please leave you alone, if he doesn't back off maybe tell his brother that he's upsetting you by hanging around uninvited so much.

I also think that by not saying anything he probably thinks there's nothing wrong with what he's doing and will continue to do so until you set him straight. Maybe he thinks you're playing hard to get because you haven't told him to back off.

I feel for you, this is not a nice situation to be in but it needs to be nipped in the bud now.

Good luck

Lol, I've been "playing hard to get" for over a year now - you'd think the dude would get the message by now! I actually have never even had a proper conversation with this man . It does have to be nipped in the bud you are right. It gets to the point where it makes you miserable and I feel like I can't wear what I want or say what I want in case I'm doing something wrong. The thing is he thinks he is "part of the group" even though none of us talk to him. Nobody invites him to anything he just eavesdrops and turns up. I have spoke to my friend who is with his brother and she, cryptically, said, "Please don't ask me to say anything to him. Just understand, I can't. I'm already in way too deep with this one, don't go there." and I don't know his brother myself he doesn't live in my town. Which brings me to another weird point. He doesn't even live in the same town as me. But still he manages to follow me around!

I agree that you need to say something, however reluctant you are. I can only see things getting worse if you don't.

Eek! I really don't think I can put up with it getting worse. You are all right, I have to say something. I just don't know what. I mean a couple of times at parties he has followed me into the kitchen and tried to corner me so we are alone and I have actually stared right at him, gave him a filthy look and stormed out. You would think he would get the message .

So should I actually not even bother about hurting his feelings? I'm just not a cruel person. Maybe thats why I get targeted by these people.

I really can't bear the thought of him staring at me again tomorrow. It makes me so angry at him.

Can I just say thank you to you? My friends all think its funny and like today for example, one sent me a txt about the facebook thing then ended it "haha he lurves you!". They don't realise how much its getting to me and they all treat it like its a joke and point out his behaviour to me when I can already see for myself that he is staring at me or that he has dyed his hair coz of what I said. You have taken me seriously and I am really grateful for that . I thought you would say I was just being daft and to get over myself!

 

[wickesy]

I think whatever you say is going to hurt his feelings to some extent so just be firm but polite and take things from there.

 

[Ware Bears]

I do feel for you

Your friend that's with his brother, even if she doesn't want to get involved, what are her thoughts on you speaking plainly with him. Does she think it will make a difference to his behaviour? I say that because he must be pretty thick-skinned to think you are just playing hard to get.

 

[Pinky166]

Can I just say thank you to you? My friends all think its funny and like today for example, one sent me a txt about the facebook thing then ended it "haha he lurves you!". They don't realise how much its getting to me and they all treat it like its a joke and point out his behaviour to me when I can already see for myself that he is staring at me or that he has dyed his hair coz of what I said. You have taken me seriously and I am really grateful for that . I thought you would say I was just being daft and to get over myself!

I totally don't think your over reacting. He sounds like a complete creep.

Maybe you need to let your friends know just how upset/scared about this you really are, then they will hopefully help you in situations when he is following you around so you are not alone with him.

I am sure you haven't anyway but I wanted to say please don't ever drink any of the drinks he buys you, it's not worth the risk.....you just can't be sure with this guy as he sounds like a weirdo.

Good luck with speaking to him, he definately needs to be told where he stands.

 

[higgy66]

If your friend is engaged to his brother then I think she should get his brother to have a man to man chat with him and explained you're not interested and he's upsetting you with his behaviour.

If it were me and he was listening to my conversations I have to admit I would have made up a boyfriend and discussed him within earshot of him so that hopefully he could take a hint.

I too would be scared of hurting him as I just can't do anything like that. My first boyfriend when i was 16 was so heart broken when I finished things that it put me off for years and I didn't date anyone again until I was in my 20's!

Good luck and I hope you get it sorted soon.

 

[Head_in_the_clouds]

I do feel for you

Your friend that's with his brother, even if she doesn't want to get involved, what are her thoughts on you speaking plainly with him. Does she think it will make a difference to his behaviour? I say that because he must be pretty thick-skinned to think you are just playing hard to get.

To answer the thick-skinned comment, I shouldn't have done this, but I had a look at his myspace last night and there are LOADS of pictures of him with all of these gorgeous brunettes going back six or seven years. Honestly this guy is not a stud in anyway and to think he would have a chance with these girls he has to be seriously deluded. He has clearly been trying with these Angelina Jolie type girls who are out of his league and setting himself up for disappointment. I'm beginning to think he has never actually had a relationship with a woman and is getting increasingly desperate. I also read his blogs (I know, now I'm stalking him ) and a couple of times the day after the parties he bugged me at he has mentioned what a romantic mood he is in and how he has decided to lose weight (he is overweight).

I suppose I have tried to avoid making too big a deal over it as I don't want to lose my friend (his future sister-in-law) through it. Our families get on really well and her Grandma has been like another Mum to me at times. I've actually thought about talking to her about it (the Grandma) but I know she would just tell me I need to get used to male attention because you are only young, free and single once . I might have to come up with a way of talking to my friend that is with his brother and just let her know honestly that it is getting to me - I mean its been a year now - and ask what she feels I should do. The strangest thing is, she barely speaks to him now and her family never seem to speak to him at all which is strange when they are practically in-laws . I don't know, maybe there is something private I don't know.

I totally don't think your over reacting. He sounds like a complete creep.

Maybe you need to let your friends know just how upset/scared about this you really are, then they will hopefully help you in situations when he is following you around so you are not alone with him.

I am sure you haven't anyway but I wanted to say please don't ever drink any of the drinks he buys you, it's not worth the risk.....you just can't be sure with this guy as he sounds like a weirdo.

Good luck with speaking to him, he definately needs to be told where he stands.

Claire, I am usually quite savvy about not putting my drink down etc but I honestly never thought the way you did about if he bought me a drink - thanks! I actually just wouldn't drink it anyway because I'm scared that he would take that as an invitation to stalk me even more but still, I know I have to be even more careful about my drinks now.

My lovely friends actually just think its hilarious. I mean, recently they decided to do an experiment. They were saying "Go stand over there" so I would and when he would come and stand next to me they would crack up laughing, then I'd move away and he'd follow me again to the next place and they would just burst out laughing. I suppose I thought they might have said to him to just leave me alone and stop following me. Its like a game for them, trying to lose him when we are out. TBH I think what I need to do is say I'm not going to one of their parties because of him and then they might realise that he is really affecting me. They do get a bit upset when I go home early.

If your friend is engaged to his brother then I think she should get his brother to have a man to man chat with him and explained you're not interested and he's upsetting you with his behaviour.

If it were me and he was listening to my conversations I have to admit I would have made up a boyfriend and discussed him within earshot of him so that hopefully he could take a hint.

I too would be scared of hurting him as I just can't do anything like that. My first boyfriend when i was 16 was so heart broken when I finished things that it put me off for years and I didn't date anyone again until I was in my 20's!

Good luck and I hope you get it sorted soon.

Honestly, I've actually thought of pretending I'm into girls just to get rid of this guy! With the other stalker, even police threats didn't seem to deter him that much - it was actually only when he thought I had a boyfriend that he left me alone. One of my platonic male friends (who was kind of gorgeous ) had been having to walk me to my car when I was working late because he knew how scared I was, and he was scared for me tbh. Anyway, this one night we knew he was watching from a corner and we kind of staged a scene between us which made it look like we were together. He didn't bother me again. So, if all else fails I might have to do that again but I think I'd rather just be honest with him. I mean, he might just end up moving on to another one of my friends.
I TOTALLY know what you mean about the hurting people thing putting you off relationships for a while! Why do you think I'm single !

Well, I've got to see him tonight and I don't know if I'm going to say anything yet. It depends how inappropriate he gets. I already feel sick to my stomach.

Thanks everyone .

 

[aaronandterri]

talk honestly to your friend and ask herboyf to have a chat im sure it would help, if theres some reason she wont do that then that worries me even more, *** is there something shes not telling you, and in which case why introduce you to this creep in the first place..lol ill lend u my hubby if u like im sure hell put him in his place x

 

[pixiepower04]

I don't think it matters if he gets inappropriate you should speak to him anyway. Ask if you can have a word and then tell him that you're not interested in him romantically and he's upsetting you and 'your boyfriend' by being around all the time.

I suspect he'll do one of two things, 1) skulk off and turn his attention to someone else or 2) say really nasty things like, you should be glad of the attention, you're not that special etc etc.

I also think you need to stay away from the pub & parties for a while, maybe find a different pub and only arrange visits to these with your friends in complete privacy.

I know your friends think it's funny but you need to set them straight by how creepy this is and ask them how they'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

It's hard to be truthful in this situation without being nasty but you need to be for your own sanity.

Just take a deep breath and let him have it, you may be shaken up by it but at least it will be done.

 

[Head_in_the_clouds]

Thanks Paula and Terri. Half an hour until I see him, I'm planning what I can wear to look as repulsive as possible. I feel like being sick I'm so nervous - its like the opposite of a first date that you want to go really well .

 

[irongirlof12]

good luck this evening - I agree with you about the 'friends thing'- they do find it amusing and just don't realise how painful this is to go through. My friends used to put me in similar situations to what you have described.

have a line worked out, rehearse it, deliver, and walk away...and don't look back!

 

[Pinky166]

Thanks Paula and Terri. Half an hour until I see him, I'm planning what I can wear to look as repulsive as possible. I feel like being sick I'm so nervous - its like the opposite of a first date that you want to go really well .

Hope it goes well tonight. Be strong.

 

[aaronandterri]

hope you sorted the creep out xx

 

[Queenie]

Just seen this and I too hope you get it sorted. I had a similar thing several years ago, guy got hold of my number, home address - all sorts of private info, very frightening stuff.

I have to admit it sounds like there may be something a little deeper here from the way you've described his behaviour. He doesn't seem to have a "normal" grasp of social situations so I wonder if there's some underlying issue, I know there was with my "stalker". I could easily be reading too much into things but it may explain your friend's reluctance to talk to her fiance about it all, if there's something she knows but can't tell you.

I can't offer much advice I'm afraid, other than the fake boyfriend (now my DH) worked a treat for me, stalker took one look at him and never came near me again.

 

[Head_in_the_clouds]

Thanks for the messages of support guys, it meant so much! I went in like a warrior ....... BUT -

Guess what? He didn't come tonight !

That is a first! Do you think maybe he is a secret DIS stalker as well? Only thing is, I will have to see him at some point so I still have to pluck up the courage. My friends were in shock he didn't turn up tonight - it was like they actually missed him. When I mentioned I didn't miss him one snapped at me and said he is "cool". Because he's weird. And its not fair of me not to be nice to someone who is "not right". I did feel quite angry, as its not her who has had to put up with any bother from him. Anyway, I'm just grateful my night wasn't ruined, I had loads of fun for the first time in ages!

 

[Pinky166]

Ain't that just typical....you pluck up the courage & he doesn't show up.

Anyway I am glad you had a great time. I guess the friend that defended him wouldn't feel that way if it was her he was chasing so just ignore her comments.

 

[Fantasmiss]

Hi, I've been a DISer for years (WDW boards) but I'm new on the UK board! Hope you got rid of him. I've had a stalker-ish guy I thought was only a (not even close) friend until he said something like " I think it's time we have our first child" out of nowhere. What the....?? I'd never ever touched the guy, barely knew him. Then he started stalking me and I only got rid of him after telling him I got a bf, then totally ignoring him. It worked eventually, but it was pretty scary... I hope your stalker stays away, but if he doesn't, call the police and ask for advice, they'll prob know what you should do!