Hard headed husband, what would you do?

[DisKneeKnut]

This may be a silly question, not sure if this is a good place to post...I'm not sure if I should book vacation time for Disneyworld in late Oct. My husband and I have been planning a trip. We have agreed to split the price. I have my share. The problem is that we work at the same co in diff depts. I work 8.5 hours per day, sometimes longer if I get stuck on a call. He works 7.5. He is constantly volunteering to go home early. I've asked him not to volunteer to go home. I'm talking to a brick wall, he says it doesn't make a lot of difference. So far money he has saved, zilch. He says he can pay part of the money with a bonus he will get at the end of Oct.

I'm frustrated. I know he wants to go, but he needs to grow up and get with the program. I'd welcome any feedback good, bad or otherwise. I want to show this to him.

 

[RoyalCanadian]

This may be a silly question, not sure if this is a good place to post...I'm not sure if I should book vacation time for Disneyworld in late Oct. My husband and I have been planning a trip. We have agreed to split the price. I have my share. The problem is that we work at the same co in diff depts. I work 8.5 hours per day, sometimes longer if I get stuck on a call. He works 7.5. He is constantly volunteering to go home early. I've asked him not to volunteer to go home. I'm talking to a brick wall, he says it doesn't make a lot of difference. So far money he has saved, zilch. He says he can pay part of the money with a bonus he will get at the end of Oct.

I'm frustrated. I know he wants to go, but he needs to grow up and get with the program. I'd welcome any feedback good, bad or otherwise. I want to show this to him.

How will showing your husband a public Internet forum thread discussing his financial behaviour help the vacation savings situation or your relationship? Do you hope to shame him into saving money?

Neil

Sent from my iPad using DISBoards

 

[lisaross]

Hard Question to Answer...

I think the problem is that he does not know how to handle money - maybe you should put your money together and teach him how to manage money?

good luck!

 

[Viva Las Disney]

I wouldn't plan a trip until you either have the money saved or a solid plan in place so you know you'll have the money, if you save and he doesn't it could cause issues and vacations are supposed to bring you closer together, not drive you apart.

I've used Dave Ramsey's total money makeover for years, you set up folders for everything you spend money on and prioritize everything and figure out what each will cost each month. Food first, Rent/mortgage 2nd, utilities, retirement, savings, car payments, etc, etc, eventually after all the necessities you get to the vacation folder and because all the biggies are paid you should be able to calculate how much you can afford to save towards your vacation each month and then all you have to do is stick to the budget. Once you have the budget figured out it's much easier to save what you're supposed to and make realistic plans of when and where based on what you'll have in the bank.

It took me until my 30's to figure out the importance of budgeting and managing my finances, be patient, he's a man and most of us have to learn the hard way, I know I did, it took me years to fix my credit from my 20's.

 

[mom2d&b]

I understand your pain. I have a similar situation. I solved it by leaving DH at home and just going with the kids or a friend. I am sorry but I am not gonna go above and beyond working extra hours and look for ways to cut expenses while he chooses to reduce his take home pay and not make any effort to contribute to what I was led to believe
is a common goal. Now that he sees that I have no issues leaving him behind, he has been stepping up but it took more than 1 trip without him.

 

[coolbrook]

Husbands appreciate respect. I would tell him that I am so glad he has agreed to go on a magical trip with me to Disney World, and that I am saving money to help us go on the trip. I would let him know how much we need to go and keep him posted on how much we have in the trip savings. If he contributes, great, if not the trip is postponed until there is enough money. Please don't nag him or be demanding. Your encouragement and respect will reap rewards.

 

[Happyjen27]

Your way is best for you, but that is no sign it is best for another.

If he says he will have his share by vacation time, it's best to trust in him. You've sworn to love him forever and trust him completely, yet you don't think he will pony up the cash?

Have faith. Don't show him this thread.

 

[a742246]

I think you need to collect the "vacation money" from him each paycheck.

 

[crisi]

He values his non work time more than he values the vacation. He'd rather not be at work. There might be a lot of reasons for that - he might not enjoy his job, he might just really like to veg in front of the TV, he might give the now a lot more weight than the later, but whatever it is, what his actions say is that no, he really doesn't want to go on this trip - not if the trade is more hours.

 

[pryncess527]

You can't make other people share your priorities, and if you don't have shared finances it seems you can't dictate to him how he spends his money either. If this is important to you, I think you'll have to either plan to go without him or plan to save the money for the other half of the trip and hope that he surprises you by coming up with the money instead.

 

[DisKneeKnut]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. My original thought was not to shame him, but to show I may not be the only one that thinks the way I do. Usually I have a better head on my shoulders then to post such a negative post. I've been very exhausted with the longer hours at work, and was getting mixed messages from him. Yes, he really wants to go. I will let him come up with his plan to save without me nagging him. We do have different styles.

I will not show this thread to him. We have come to a solution that will work with both us. If we don't have enough saved we will postpone the trip. As we have always taken a trip with pre-saved money.

 

[tkbbmom]

In my opinion, which may not be popular these days, it seems like you two are treating the marriage as a business venture w/ his share and your share. Marriage is a partnership and there shouldn't be any his savings and my savings. IT all goes into the same account and it's "OURS" -- if he's not great w/ saving or managing the money then you might need to handle it once it's all lumped together.

 

[crisi]

You can't make other people share your priorities, and if you don't have shared finances it seems you can't dictate to him how he spends his money either. If this is important to you, I think you'll have to either plan to go without him or plan to save the money for the other half of the trip and hope that he surprises you by coming up with the money instead.

My sister's solution to this was to treat her husband to travel. They had an allowance system (B.C. - before children) -he spent his as fast as it appeared in his account. She liked to travel and wanted to travel with him. After realizing that he was never going to prioritize travel in his budget, she saved until she could treat him.

Some of his allowance was treating her at restaurants, which was one of his "things."

 

[Happyjen27]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. My original thought was not to shame him, but to show I may not be the only one that thinks the way I do. Usually I have a better head on my shoulders then to post such a negative post. I've been very exhausted with the longer hours at work, and was getting mixed messages from him. Yes, he really wants to go. I will let him come up with his plan to save without me nagging him. We do have different styles.

I will not show this thread to him. We have come to a solution that will work with both us. If we don't have enough saved we will postpone the trip. As we have always taken a trip with pre-saved money.

Awesome!!

Isn't it amazing what a good night's sleep will do? I always feel better in the morning. Sorry work is tiring you so, but, it's worth it to see that Disney account grow!!

 

[JeRmS]

Let's just say ...

I know a guy, that knows a guy, who knows a guy ...

just sayin!

 

[crisi]

In my opinion, which may not be popular these days, it seems like you two are treating the marriage as a business venture w/ his share and your share. Marriage is a partnership and there shouldn't be any his savings and my savings. IT all goes into the same account and it's "OURS" -- if he's not great w/ saving or managing the money then you might need to handle it once it's all lumped together.

Some marriages work a lot better when there are separate accounts. Especially if each person has hobbies that the other one sees as wastes of money. Some marriages require a full financial partnership to work. And some marriages shift over time - with his and her accounts making a lot of sense before children, one account making more sense when raising kids. Everyone in a relationship should have some money they aren't accountable to the other person for how its spent - even if you share accounts (how else would my husband buy me jewelry?)

(And when marriages don't work out - as unfortunately many of them don't - the more separate finances have been kept, the better off the more fiscally responsible party is.)

 

[bdcp]

In my opinion, which may not be popular these days, it seems like you two are treating the marriage as a business venture w/ his share and your share. Marriage is a partnership and there shouldn't be any his savings and my savings. IT all goes into the same account and it's "OURS" -- if he's not great w/ saving or managing the money then you might need to handle it once it's all lumped together.

This

My feeling is either you are all in or you aren't. Generally it works best when you marry someone who feels the same way about money that you do. My friends that have the most arguments about money are the ones that each "pay their fair share" or split everything. Most have said to me, "but it's my money". and are hesitant to help each other. Very few couples make exactly the same amount each so splitting evenly rarely works. DH and I have been married 32 years. I stayed home for 14 years with kids and have been back at work for 16. We treated money the same whether I was a SAHM or had a paying job. I pay all the bills because I'm better at it. If we decide to spend money, we spend ours. So, I'm always confused when a post like the OP's comes up. It seems so simple.

If OP wants separate accounts, then she can't get mad when her husband decides he doesn't want to participate.

And, anyone who thinks separate accounts make a difference in a divorce, you'll be surprised when your spouse gets 1/2 of yours and you get 1/2 of theirs. Most divorces are no-fault which means spouses split everything unless one agrees to give up something. You're not protecting anything by keeping separate accounts when married. It's marital property whether it's separate or not.

 

[okeydokey]

I am glad you found a solution that will work for you, but for me that would not work. I value fairness in a relationship and we had agreed on a financial goal and I had worked the extra hours to get there and he had cut out early from work and not saved a penny, I would not be happy about postponing the trip.

 

[mckelvey72]

So I will throw in my 2 cents worth......first off, I agree with a PP that if you are going to keep separate accounts, each person has a right to spend their money the way they want as long as the agreed upon bills are paid and credit cards are not being run up etc.

My husband and I have separate accounts. DISCLAIMER: I have been divorced once and he has been divorced twice so there was no way no how were we going to combine money. We agreed that he will pay for the house (it was his before me) and the bills that go with the house...electric, phone etc. I would pay for food, cell phones, Christmas etc.

Now down to vacations.....he will go to Disney but flat out refuses to PAY for a trip to Disney. So if I want to go it is up to me to pay for the family to go. I was good with that and December will be our 2nd trip. And he thoroughly enjoyed the first trip and is looking forward to the next.

I, on the other hand, flat out refuse to pay for some outrageously expensive car. Therefore, since he is a total car guy......he pays for the Corvette and is now looking to trade that in on some 70K Cadillac. I thoroughly enjoy riding around in the fancy luxury car that is clean and doesnt' have any chicken nugget and French fry residue in it!!!

So my point being......every situation and every person is different. You have to find what works for you. You didn't indicate if your salaries are equal or not, but maybe if he is good at paying bills and not good at saving.....but you are good at saving...that he takes over a bill that is say $100.00 and then you put 100.00 into a savings account for your trips. OR make the vacation savings budget a bill.....both of you have to deposit 100.00 a month into that account.

Sit down and decide what works....communication is key in a marriage to go out to dinner and talk about it. Look at what you both pay for....it may be that he feels he has the lion share of the bills over you so he doesn't feel that he should have to pay for vacation etc.....you never know what a guy is thinking!!!!

 

[crisi]

This

My feeling is either you are all in or you aren't. Generally it works best when you marry someone who feels the same way about money that you do. My friends that have the most arguments about money are the ones that each "pay their fair share" or split everything. Most have said to me, "but it's my money". and are hesitant to help each other. Very few couples make exactly the same amount each so splitting evenly rarely works. DH and I have been married 32 years. I stayed home for 14 years with kids and have been back at work for 16. We treated money the same whether I was a SAHM or had a paying job. I pay all the bills because I'm better at it. If we decide to spend money, we spend ours. So, I'm always confused when a post like the OP's comes up. It seems so simple.

If OP wants separate accounts, then she can't get mad when her husband decides he doesn't want to participate.

And, anyone who thinks separate accounts make a difference in a divorce, you'll be surprised when your spouse gets 1/2 of yours and you get 1/2 of theirs. Most divorces are no-fault which means spouses split everything unless one agrees to give up something. You're not protecting anything by keeping separate accounts when married. It's marital property whether it's separate or not.

Frankly, I'm not even sure this one is about money. This is just as easily about time. He'd rather have his time now, and is willing to trade money for it - money that would be used for a vacation later. She'd rather work now in exchange for money, which enables her to spend time at WDW.

If they had one account, they'd still have the same issue - he wants to work a 7.5 hour day, he'll take the offer to go home early. She wants to work a full day, and will take overtime when offered. Nothing about a single account changes the fact that he values time above money - at least when it is money that enables vacations (I'm assuming, since he works, that he is willing to trade time for money when money is paying for rent and groceries).