Ground rules for adult children coming back home

[suejai]

So, for those people who have had adult children come home again what are some of the ground rules you have set?

Both stepsons, 21 and 18, are coming back to live with us. DSS21 will be working in the same place as DH, so he isn't really the problem because he will only be here 8 days out of the month. He is only coming here because there is more work for more money and he has a mortgage payment to make. My issue will be with DSS18. He has lived with us for the past 4 years and just recently went back to his mother's house. For various reasons it is just not working out for him there. Due to some bad choices on his part (switching classes around without asking me about it, etc) he was 5 credits short for graduating HS. So that is an obvious condition of living here - he must complete HS. Another is that he must work and he must get his driver's license. One problem is that I will have to drive him everywhere - we live in a small town outside the city and there is no public transportation.

What other ground rules do you impose? Do you set a curfew? Do you feel you have a say in his social activities - eg. how much he drinks (18 is the legal age here) etc.

Do you feel it is unreasonable to impose a money savings regime?

 

[dakcp2001]

I think a curfew and a list of chores is reasonable. Just make sure the rules and expectations are clear right from the start, once you bend or let something slide you will lose all ground.

When I moved back home my parents made it clear that I was not to get "too comfortable" since I was a guest in their home. I didnt stay long! lol.

 

[sbell111]

What does your husband think?

 

[Darcy03231]

My 18 year olds have a curfew and a list of chores. My house, my rules. If you don't like it, find somewhere else to live where you have it as cushy as it is here. So far, no one seems to mind either the curfew or the chores.

 

[Mandychelle79]

I was 18 in high school. I didnt have any rules so to speak, just common courtesy. I had to tell my parents when I wasnt going to school, even though I could legally sign my own excuses ( thing was I had been signing my own for 6 years prior so that wasnt anything new). I didnt have a curfew to speak of, but never really did. I had to suffer the consequences of my actions. If I decided to come in the house late or stay up late, I was the one who had to get to school on time. I took college classes in high school that had a three miss and your grade drops policy.

 

[bettymae1121]

Above all, no matter what you put in place, you and your DH must be on the same page, and you MUST stick to the rules and the consequences for them. The first time you let him slide, or the first time he plays his dad off of you, you're sunk. He'll have learned he can do whatever he wants and get away with it.

Sit down and talk with him about this before he moves in, and do your best to speak to him as an adult and not a child, if he feels you're treating him as an adult, he'll will hopefully rise to the occasion and act like one. I know you said the 22yo won't be with you much, but do your best to have any rules for the 18yo to apply to the 22yo as well, nothing makes a kid that age madder than rules not applied equally to another sibling (I have two brothers, TRUST me on this!).

All that said...

I'd have some short term, mesurable goals as well as long term ones. If all you have are long term ones, you may not find out he's slacking off until 6 months go by, and by then he's so entrenched that it's harder to kick him out or to set new rules in place.

I'd have some short term rules like "You must apply for X number of jobs by Y date, you must have a job by Z date (unless he truely gets no job offers), you must pay $X to us in rent starting on your first pay day" etc. etc. And of course the long term goals like graduating HS (and give a deadline for that too) and after graduating, must enroll in community college, trade school, etc. Chores go without saying, his room should be picked up, he does his own laundry, if he cooks his own meals he cleans up after himself, if he eats with the family he's expected to help with dishes, commen sense stuff like that.

As for coming and going, I would not give a curfew, at 18 he's an adult and I feel should be free to come and go as he pleases. If he comes home at 3 AM and has to get to school at 7 AM, that's his problem. A few days short on sleep should cure that on it's own. I would say no overnight guests (of any gender) and no friends over if you aren't home, unless you truely trust that you won't come home to an Animal House type party. If after a few weeks/months he is still coming and going at all hours and disturbing the houshold by coming home late, you may want to address it at that point.

 

[suejai]

Good points BettyMae, especially the short term goals - that will also help him break things up into manageable packages.

DH and I are on the same page, we are in the process of setting up the guidelines. And I agree that the 21yr old should also be held accountable. I guess a curfew is a bit much to expect, but common courtesy will definitely be discussed and expected.

The 18yr old is considering the military so at least there is a goal in mind.

 

[rlovew]

Instead of asking him to set up a saving plan if you determine that is a requirement I would place a rent requirement and put the money he pays you into a savings account. Once he is ready to move out you can give him the money and he has savings to take care of the first time in a place expenses. I think requiring him to have a savings account he contributes to will be harder- at the same time if you decide to do this you can choose to share with him it will eventually be his or not.

 

[bumbershoot]

I moved back home with mom and relatively new stepdad for a year after graduating from chiropractic school. I had a mobile practice so I was obviously working. But they never EVER asked me for money for anything, it was so nice of them. But then, they know I'm a grateful person who wouldn't go crazy with their generosity; if I were a different person I'm sure they would have required something.

I was expected to keep things neat and clean; they liked having the house doors open, so I needed to keep my room nice and neat. I like washing clothes so I'd do the towels...didn't get into their clothes, though.

Not having to pay rent or for food allowed me to lease a car and have the money for that payment, which I needed for my mobile practice.

I didn't really have any friends there, but a couple times I went out for things and stayed out late...I was absolutely expected to call with my plans! That's just common courtesy when you are sharing a home with someone who cares about you, IMO.

It worked out for us to not have rent and financial contributions (they even paid me for chiro adjustments, which was ridiculously nice of them)...but maybe we were unique.

The stepdad did have some rules, but I was not held to the same standard his kids would have been held to, b/c he was relatively new to my life (he and mom married after I was in college). I wasn't forced to go to church with them as his kids would have been, etc. The rules were light, but definitely different from how I'd been raised...that probably won't apply to you as it sounds like you're a longterm step, though!

Hope it works out well for you!

 

[minkydog]

Your house, your rules. I think at a minimum your boys should do chores, both inside and outside the house, pay their portion of the household expenses(add them up, divide by 4, that's their part), work full-time or go to school full time. As far as the alcohol goes, that depends on how you feel about it. Are you and your husband tee-totalers? If so, I could see making a no-drinking rule. Personally, that never bothered me. My boys drink, but I have never seen them drunk and only once has one of them been impaired enough to need a middle of the night "rescue."

That said, I wish you luck. We just went through this with our DS23 and 23yo foster son. Foster son is on board with all the rules. DS23 was not. He thought he should be able to do whatever he wants because he is 23. Therefore he thought it was okay to live in my basement,play video games all night,have free cable and DSL, not clean his room or wash his clothes, not contribute anything to the household, not get a job and not go to school. When we had a family pow-wow about it he decided to separate from us. It has been painful and unfortunate, but magically, this kid has found a place with friends, is paying his way there, and looking for work. So far he has not been thrown out, so he must be doing something right. He still holds a grudge toward us and will not speak to us, but I think some day he will look back on it and realize that he did himself a favor by moving out and growing up.

 

[suejai]

Thanks for the good thoughts Bumbershoot - I hope it turns out like your situation did. I think we will expect them to pay towards groceries etc. but not much else.

Minkydog - yes I remember reading your experiences - very sad, but he will be a better person for it. We actually had a sort of similar experience with the older stepson (the 21yr old) when he was 15 or 16. He was living with us and decided that he just knew everything better than us, decided he shouldn't have to go to school or respect his curfews or other rules of the house (and trust me they were not strict) - he ended up in quite a bit of trouble, and eventually quit school and ran away to a friends house. He finally went back to his mother's house and kept on behaving very badly. But he has since straightened out and met a nice girl to whom he is engaged. They have a house together and he has patched things up with his father and me. This time will also be a reconnecting time with his father.

My real worry is the 18yr old. No DH and I are not tee-totallers but we don't drink very much. I think DSS drinks excessively - DH already had a talk with him when they were out for Christmas, so hopefully he will have taken that to heart. I guess we will just have to wait and see. They are not bad kids - I love them like they were mine, I've been their other Mom since they were very small. I guess just don't want us to get taken for granted.

 

[mjkacmom]

I moved back with my parents for a year after college. I didn't have a curfew, but I did tell them when I expected to be home, or if I was coming home. I was allowed to drink, but I certainly wasn't getting drunk! I payed a small amount of rent (not that they needed it - they felt strongly that I should eventually get my own place, which I did).

 

[disney1990]

My rules would be, you need to clean up after yourself and you should also do something to help out around the house. They wouldn't have curfew, but out of courtesy to others, they should let somebody know when they would be home or if they were not coming home for the evening. Plus, some sort of rent (even nominal) should be paid.

Adults are adults and I wouldn't expect my Mom (and I am way older than your children) to put rules on what I could and couldn't do if I moved home -- IMHO.

 

[Planogirl]

I agree with much of this. My son is only 16 but if he was out of high school and over 18, I would expect him to work or go to school. Hopefully he would do both. I would expect some small room and board payment if he works (I'd save it for him) and for him to clean up after himself. I wouldn't set a curfew but just like anyone I live with I would expect to be told when to expect him.

 

[disykat]

Instead of asking him to set up a saving plan if you determine that is a requirement I would place a rent requirement and put the money he pays you into a savings account. Once he is ready to move out you can give him the money and he has savings to take care of the first time in a place expenses. I think requiring him to have a savings account he contributes to will be harder- at the same time if you decide to do this you can choose to share with him it will eventually be his or not.

A lot of people give this advice and I've never understood it. I can see a parent who doesn't need the rent choosing to give back later as a gift IF there is ALSO a forced savings requirement or even a savings matching deal. To me money that is magically saved for you in no way teaches someone how to save. IMO, the parent has just reinforced the pattern of not saving and just hoping/assuming everything will magically work out.

 

[Minnie]

I'm in the minority but.... the 18 yr old is still in HS so yes I think there should be rules, curfews, ect.

 

[darlak]

What were the rules when he last lived there? I would expect them to be basically the same for an 18 year old high school student as they were when he left.

At 18, I considered mine to be part adult, part child. They were in school (one lived on campus and one lived at home), but the rules did not change in most respects.

 

[golfgal]

An 18 year old still in high school, yes, curfew, rules about grades, working, helping around the house, etc. The 21 year old, no curfew but still rules about being enrolled in school or working full time, helping around the house, etc. Since the 21 year old has a job, I would expect some assistance with groceries, added costs on utility bills, etc.

As for drinking--I am glad we don't have an 18 year old legal drinking age here. What can you really do to stop them if they go out and legally drink?

 

[kawing123]

Be certain that especially if you have younger kids, that your rules for friends being over while you are not there are established. My DD moved out at 19 due to her dissatisfaction with rules and then came back. We explained that no one was to be over unless we were home. She is gullable and believes every Tom, Dick and Harry are her friends and in high school we had issues with friends stealing. She continually broke rules and made life extremely difficult and finally I had to ask her to leave. She still on occasion asks to move back but knowing that her ways have not changed, asking her to leave again is difficult. Be prepared to stick to your guns, and make it quite clear if rules are not followed than they must leave especially if they are a role model for younger kids.

 

[MrsPete]

A lot of people give this advice and I've never understood it. I can see a parent who doesn't need the rent choosing to give back later as a gift IF there is ALSO a forced savings requirement or even a savings matching deal. To me money that is magically saved for you in no way teaches someone how to save. IMO, the parent has just reinforced the pattern of not saving and just hoping/assuming everything will magically work out.

I see your point, but I disagree.

Ideally the child would learn to save while he's still, well . . . a child.

But if the adult child hasn't learned it, then the parent is right to help him along that path. Many people who reach adulthood without budgeting skills don't tend to pick them up until they reach a crisis -- it's kinder to help the child learn before he's about to lose his car, before his credit card is maxed out, and before he reaches crisis mode.

Many people don't save because they figure $50/week -- or whatever amount -- isn't much of anything, and there's no point in bothering. BUT if someone "forces" them to save for a couple months, and they suddenly see that they've saved more than $1000, and it was painless, THAT can be a turn-around moment. A moment that can encourage the adult child to begin saving on his own.

And what's the alternative to "forced saving"? Doing nothing and hoping that the adult child will figure it out? Nagging?