Groom's request

[Promomx2]

Please help me help my dd. Her fiance,( a marine) are getting married in Jan. He now says he wants a wreath to honor fallen marines, placed alongside the ushers at altar in the church. My dd wants to have the memorial, but not at the altar. But he is getting really firm on this. I suggested that it be placed in the foyer with the guest book or at the reception but he wants it at the altar. We will have a small memorial at the reception for my dd's mema and grandfather and instead of favors, a donation is going to be made to a marine organization. This is a going to be a very formal wedding and he just isn't realizing this. Does anyone have any other ideas that we oculd run by him.

 

[msmayor]

The first question I would ask is...will the church allow such a memorial to be placed on the altar? The answer to that question MAY solve your issue.

My second question is....why would having such a memorial be an issue? Quite honestly, the fact that you consider this a 'very formal wedding' shouldn't have a bearing on this aspect. Its a very small concession your DD can make to a man who takes service to his country to heart, and agreeing to this would be an act of love to her fiance'. As a Marine-Wife-to-be, she needs to understand how important the brethren of the Marines are.

 

[MegKate]

Could it be stood up on an easel near by but not on the altar itself?

 

[PrincessKsMom]

If it means that much to DD's finance, then now is as good a time as any to learn to compromise. If she has basically gotten everything she's wanted for the wedding (and most bride's do), I think she should let him have this one thing. JMHO.

 

[MariDisney]

I tend to agree with the PPs. I admire your DD's fiance's committment to his fellow Marines. If I were a bride, and soon to be Marine wife, I'd be proud to include this tribute as part of my wedding ceremony. I don't see that the level of formality of the service at all impacts the inclusion of a floral arrangement on or near the altar. Please thank your future SIL for his service from my family.

 

[AlternateEgo]

I have to admit, as I was reading this and before I read others thoughts, I felt that the wreath would be very honorable.

I am not sure what your DD doesn't like about it. I think it could be beautiful.

If you are wanting to compromise on the situation, let DD pick the wreath out with flowers in her wedding colors. I wouldn't think that it would need a HUGE banner saying "In memory of..."

 

[tiggerrifficheidi]

Does he want a huge wreath, or just some type of floral arrangement on the altar?

I have to admit, from what you described, my first thought was of a funeral (with those memorial wreaths on metal flimsy easels that they group at the front of the church).

Now, I hope this doesn't offend, but I am in the Army and have lost many friends. I can sympathize with the Fiance' about the importance of his fellow Marines. I do, however, believe in a time and a place for everything.

You would not put a 16x20 or larger framed print of a departed mother/father/brother/sister/grandmother/grandfather on an easel at the altar of your wedding. So, why such a large gesture as a wreath?

Most brides on here who have departed loved ones honor them with memorial vases, flowers on seats, etc. And you cannot say that those loved ones are less important that fallen Marines to the bride and groom(in fact, that would be pretty absurd).

I think there are better ways to honor what is in his heart without making it the centerpiece of the ceremony. After 11 years in the Army (and being married to another Soldier), I can say that the Army factors large in our marriage, but in no way does it define our marriage. Most people spend 4 years or so in the military. Some go to 20. Very few go beyond that. After that, you still have your family for many, many years.

Do you think he would be agreeable to having a memorial candle on the altar? Then, when he enters with the minister, he could go to the altar and light it. You could have a note in the program that explains the candle as a symbol of their presence with us. I think that would be more poignant without people forgetting they're at a wedding CELEBRATION.

To all those who say she should get used to it or let him have it, I say this: there will be too many times when the military comes first not because it should, but because it DEMANDS to come first. He will miss anniversaries, birthdays and probably the birth of their children. I don't think it's too much for her to ask that this day be about the two of them and NOT the Marines.

 

[SuzeQ]

I attended a friends wedding last Saturday. It was a very formal evening ceremony. She had memorial candles for Grandparents at the alter and a small memorial floral wreath as well. It was beautiful. After her father gave her away, the minister had everyone bow their heads for a brief prayer to honor those loved ones that they had lost. Then the ceremony went on and I thought it was one of the most impressive Weddings (ceremony) I've attended.

 

[Promomx2]

She and I also think of a funeral when I see the wreath. DD just doesn't want it at the altar. She's thinking of the pictures and how this is a happy day for them and seeing a memorial wreath in the background will bring the occasion down. I suggested that he could walk in with a flower, possible a rose and place it on a empty pew and then we would place in the program the meaning of the flower. We just thought a flower in a pew was more inline that a wreath alongside the ushers. And the ushers are not all marines and will be in tuxes. We're waiting to see what the pastor says. But even if the pastor says it's okay, my dd does not want it at the altar. And I thought this process of planning a wedding was going to be fun.

 

[tiggerrifficheidi]

Just to make sure we're talking about the same thing, he wants something like this, right?

I don't know if it's the same in the Marines, but in the Army, they only lay/use these at official "memorial" events, like Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, Memorial Services, etc. At balls and formals and other generally "fun" events, they typically do a memorial table with a whole explanation. But, I've been to an even that wasn't so formal that just had a rose with a yellow ribbon. I think that would be very appropriate.

 

[Promomx2]

Yes, that's what he wants. There's only going to be 3 groomsmen standing up at the altar and the last onw is my ds who's only 14. Dd and I feel that having the wreath there will be distracting and just look out of place and remind us of a funeral. It's already going to be hard without her grandfather and her mema not being there.

And regarding the military coming first. Dd has already had to learn that, she's moving 6 hours from her family and friends.

 

[AlternateEgo]

I'm just going to throw these in. I really think your DD and FDSIL can compromise on this.

Have you asked him what specifically he has in mind?

 

[lpizzuro123]

It's funny how different people see things differently. At our wedding this past November, we had a glass vase filled with water and white floating petals and a white floating candle for both my mom and my DH's mom who had passed away and we wrote something in our program about all those that had passed away.

We did not like the empty chair thing and thought it was more morbid then the candle but everyone has to do what is right for them.

I think having a small wreath or arrangement of flowers on a separate pilar - not on the alter - would be fine - but you have to do what you think is best.

BTW - I love that white wreath.

Linda

 

[Elsha]

Does he want a huge wreath, or just some type of floral arrangement on the altar?

I have to admit, from what you described, my first thought was of a funeral (with those memorial wreaths on metal flimsy easels that they group at the front of the church).

Now, I hope this doesn't offend, but I am in the Army and have lost many friends. I can sympathize with the Fiance' about the importance of his fellow Marines. I do, however, believe in a time and a place for everything.

You would not put a 16x20 or larger framed print of a departed mother/father/brother/sister/grandmother/grandfather on an easel at the altar of your wedding. So, why such a large gesture as a wreath?

Most brides on here who have departed loved ones honor them with memorial vases, flowers on seats, etc. And you cannot say that those loved ones are less important that fallen Marines to the bride and groom(in fact, that would be pretty absurd).

I think there are better ways to honor what is in his heart without making it the centerpiece of the ceremony. After 11 years in the Army (and being married to another Soldier), I can say that the Army factors large in our marriage, but in no way does it define our marriage. Most people spend 4 years or so in the military. Some go to 20. Very few go beyond that. After that, you still have your family for many, many years.

Do you think he would be agreeable to having a memorial candle on the altar? Then, when he enters with the minister, he could go to the altar and light it. You could have a note in the program that explains the candle as a symbol of their presence with us. I think that would be more poignant without people forgetting they're at a wedding CELEBRATION.

To all those who say she should get used to it or let him have it, I say this: there will be too many times when the military comes first not because it should, but because it DEMANDS to come first. He will miss anniversaries, birthdays and probably the birth of their children. I don't think it's too much for her to ask that this day be about the two of them and NOT the Marines.

I think tiggerrifficheidi's idea of a memorial candle is a good compromise. If he's stuck to the idea of a wreath, maybe he could be swayed to have a similar style (to the official memorial wreath) floral arrangement around the base of a pillar candle. I'm sure you could take a picture to just about any reputable florist and have them recreate it on a smaller scale.
You could also find a pillar candle that burns only on the inside (the ones where there's still a thin layer of wax around the flames that glows?) and wrap the banner/ribbon around the center of the candle.

Hope that makes sense...it was a long day at work...

 

[Promomx2]

Thanks for the suggestions. I really like the one about the candle with something on the outside. I'll get dd to talk to him.