Grieving in college

[onesadduck]

Does anyonbe have any experience with this? My little sister died six weeks ago, and my aunt died two weeks ago, and I am having an extremely difficult time. I did quit work and drop half of my classes, but I still can't focus, and I'm going to fail two of three classes I have left. Also, I am seeing a therapist at school, but I only get a half hour a week with her. My friends are not being supportive at all (except for my bf). I can never focus. I have a four-page paper and a speech due in six hours, and I have tried and tried, and willl just have to tell the teacher why I can't do the speech or turn in the paper. They are both on the disease my sister had and died of, had I known she was going to die before I had to give my speech, I would have chosen a different subject, because I know I cannot get through the speech without crying.

I can't get much sleep, I cannot pay attention in class for more than fifteen minutes, I'm constantly fighting tears in class, and I REALLY cannot pay attention when I read my textbooks. I'd have completely left school for the semester had I known how bad it would be, but I know that my parents would be upset if I did that. Does anyone have any advice, or anything that helped them? Also, is anyone else experiencing anything similar, and would like to share?

Thanks in advance,
Alisa

 

[BuzzandAriel'smom]

My dad died, second semester of my freshman year of college. I had a hard time with finishing the semester and some professors were less than sympathetic. I finished the semester and I am glad that I did. That was 11 years ago. Now I am a married mom of 2 and just recently lost my grandparents in a murder/ suicide. I know how you are feeling with your grief being uncontrollable. My dr. put me on atavan for my anxiety and it has helped me to focus. I am still really sad but I am more functional. Maybe there is a grief support group you can join at a local church that would be free and you would be able to talk with other grievers.

Good Luck and God Bless.

 

[mla1977]

Buzz and Ariel's mom, This is a freaky coincidence. My father died the second semester of my freshman year, 11 years ago.

onesadduck,

I was lucky enough to be going to a very small college when my father died. I dropped one class and thankfully my professors were understanding. My uncle died about 3 month before my dad and my great grandfather died about 2 weeks after my dad. My cousin took incompletes for her first semester of school. Have you considered trying that and then working on your projects over the summer when you have a little less pressure on you?

I missed about 3 weeks of classes but managed to finish the semester. I threw myself into my work and the swim team and I did a lot of grieving that summer (Father's Day was especially hard).

It never gets easier dealing with the loss, but you will learn how to cope with it and what triggers you. I still cry when I watch movies or tv shows that involve a father-daughter relationship.

PM me if you want to talk

 

[FutureCinderella88]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and aunt. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a sibling, I'm an only child. But I do have experience in the area of grief. I'm a freshman in college, I just recently lost my uncle last month and my dad died when I was 10. This semseter has been absolutely awful and I'm really have a hard time getting through it. My grades are the worst they have ever been.
I wish I had some life-changing, uplifting advice for you, but really just know that you're not alone. I'm lucky because I have found friends here at college who have dealt with grief like I have. I'm sure there are people where you live who have gone through similar situations. It's a huge release just to be able to talk to someone who understands.

The only thing that is really getting me through is the fact that summer is just around the corner and I will be able to take a break form school and that aspect of stress, for 4 months! (and possibly go to disney!)

Hang in there

 

[Boomer1]

Dear onesadduck,

I lost my grandfather in the second semester of my first year. It was just after final exams: however , he had been ill most of the semester. College can be a very stressful time in a person's life and adding extra stresses can often prove too much. From what you descibe you may be suffering from depression and it is important that you get help. You should not experience this alone. Are there any facualty advisors or student/peer mentoring services available at your school?The fact that you are seeking help is an important step and it shows that you are beginning the healing process. Please continue to communicate your thoughts and feelings with others, you are not alone.As far as your courses this is where a faculty advisor/student services department may be able to help you make the right decision. I hope and trust that you will find the peace you are seeking.

 

[SaratogaShan]

I'm so sorry for your losses. I work at a large university, and I know the dean of students office here is very helpful to students in situations like this. They act as a student advocate and a liason with professors to work out some way to make it possible for the student to stay in school.

 

[monarchsfan16]

I'm a sophomore in college. 2 months ago one of the girls I grew up with passed away. She was my next door neighbor and just six months older than me. She has a sister that's 8 months younger than me, and the three of us were litterally the three muskateers the first 10 or so years of our lives. We were always together. We did drift as we got older, but we were still friends, and when we were all at some family or neighborhood event you could find all of us by looking for one. Her death was completely unexpected. She collapsed in an airport while in London for the semester and couldn't be revived. She was 20

Needless to say this semester has been my own personal nightmare. Like you, I have no focus or motivation. My grades have slipped, although I don't think I'm failing anything. I've battled sleep problems, could not eat for awhile, then swung back to eating way too much all the time for awhile. I'm unbelievably emotional. I've had a few days where I felt almost normal, but then something would happen that would snap me back to what happened. This morning, for example, I was on facebook and saw that she'd been tagged in more pictures. One of her friends had started an album titled "unforgettable". All pictures of her. So at 8:30 this morning I was sobbing. A lot of people expect me to be over it by now, and if I do talk about what's happened, or her, they try to change the topic quickly. I've got "friends" who now do a 180 when they see me coming. I know I'm not pleasant to be around all the time, and that I do zone out really easily, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm at a point now where I feel as though I've got two people in me: the outside person that TRIES to act normal, go to class, do social stuff, and the inner one that's struggling to stay afloat.

There are a couple things that help me somewhat. I write in my journal. A LOT. I listen to songs we'd all danced to together at my cousins' weddings, or Billy Joel songs, because she was always singing Billy Joel songs. It's comforting for some crazy reason. I do have a friend that lost a friend at Christmas. The two of us chat and cry together when things are going really badly.

I don't know exactly what you're going through. I truly can't imagine losing my sister. But I do know that it hurts like hell to not only be dealing with a loss but to be trying to balance college. It's wicked tough. I'm finding that out every single day. to you. I am so sorry for your losses.

 

[amykathleen2005]

Buzz and Ariel's mom, This is a freaky coincidence. My father died the second semester of my freshman year, 11 years ago.

onesadduck,

I was lucky enough to be going to a very small college when my father died. I dropped one class and thankfully my professors were understanding. My uncle died about 3 month before my dad and my great grandfather died about 2 weeks after my dad. My cousin took incompletes for her first semester of school. Have you considered trying that and then working on your projects over the summer when you have a little less pressure on you?

I missed about 3 weeks of classes but managed to finish the semester. I threw myself into my work and the swim team and I did a lot of grieving that summer (Father's Day was especially hard).

It never gets easier dealing with the loss, but you will learn how to cope with it and what triggers you. I still cry when I watch movies or tv shows that involve a father-daughter relationship.

PM me if you want to talk

OK so this is weird. My dad died last year, which was my first semester in college....

 

[DisneyDuke02]

Hi everyone,

First - my sympathies for your losses.....death is never an easy thing - having it happen during your college years can be so very difficult when you are away from your friends and family "support group" at home.

I don't know if it will help all of you, but please take a look at Students of Ailing Mothers and Fathers (AMF) at www.studentsofamf.org. This is a non-profit developed by a guy who went to my school after the death of his mother, who was just a wonderful, wonderful woman. There are some resources on there to help you as well as ways to start your own chapter as a way of empowering yourself through the grief.

 

[Sha]

Onesadduck....

and others... I am sorry for your loss(es). I have no idea what it feels like for you while in school. I did lose my father a year ago... long story... but I saw this site when I was looking for info on on VT. I saw your thread and had read what was written. Keep talking to your friends on here... ones that understand... talk to your other friends... your really true friends... they will help you keep your head above water. You may... and I recommend talking to a counselor, your doctor or a therapist. There are people who can help. And help prevent you from shutting down. I will say a prayer for you too. Dont know if you are even a little bit religous, but you may find some help there too. Ive fought depression... that I do know. Onesadduck pm me if you want someone to listen... It would be an honor to know about your sister. I hope I havent overstepped here.

 

[pindecisive]

I lost my cousin when I was 2 months out of high school and working at my first job. It was awful. I was working full time and I had to go into my retail job every day and smile and be polite and truthfully it was the worst thing for me. I should have quit and taken some time to reflect and grieve. That was 4 years ago and I still will look at his picture and cry sometimes.

Do what you think is best.

I listened to other people who told me to keep working, that it would help me and it didn't. So my advice would be to do what you think is best.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[onesadduck]

First, thank you all so much. To boomer1, yes I do suffer from depression, and have since I was three years old. I am currently on anti-depressants through my school. The three months before my sister died where the best three months as far as managing my depression went. Unfortunately, my school's counseling service is way understaffed, which is why I only get one half-hour session a week for six weeks (same as I got last semester, when my only problem was depression, social anxiety disorder and anxiety over my sister at home). I'm working on getting therapy through Kaiser, but it's a long process, and I may be back home by the time I get through it.

Sha, you have definitely not overstepped. It's nice to hear I'm not alone. SaratogaShan, I will look into what services are available. A huge part of the problem is simple lack of motivation and focus. Even if teachers make some allowances, I would still have to work hard for the remainder of the semester, which is more difficult than usual.

I might get an incomplete in one class and just finish over the summer (I'm not actually failing yet, but my grade is dropping dramatically, and I am having so muc trouble catching up). One major problem in that class was the one midterm. I am usually a good test-taker, but misread instructions, and answered 50% of the questions the wrong way. The teacher still gave me a 61% but he was being extremely lenient. I know I have to repeat the other class I'm failing (actually, I might get a C-) because it's neuroanatomy and neurophysiology- I should know it before I try to become and Occupational Therapist and work on patients whether I can pass or not.

You know, my problems seem really petty compared to the VA Tech massacre, right now. It kind of puts things in perspective. I would not have asked for help right now had I found out about it ten minutes earlier.

Thank you all, again,

Alisa

 

[C.C.H.M.]

onesadduck...
You have every right to ask for advice or help, no matter what else is going on in the world. It does put things in perspective, it shows how much we need each other, and how much we should help each other when given the chance. We're here for you, and we're here for anyone else who should need us. I hope things start to get better for you, and know that we're here if you ever need us.

 

[DisneyObsessive]

hey i just came across this post. I lost my Mom on Feb 17th suddenly, not even a month into this semester (I am a jr). I wound up taking off the whole semester because i missed two weeks between the time she died and the funeral and just recooping and my professors said i couldnt catch up. That and im needed at home now more than ever.

I completely understand what youare going through. Everyone was there for me the first couple of weeks, and now everyone is busy with school and im kind of sitting at home since i took off. I have my boyfriend and like one other friend i really talk about it with but everyone else seems so busy continuing their lives.

This is going to put me backa semester but i knew i had to do it. Sometimes you have to do certain things because you can't force yourself to do more than you are ready to do.

I am here for you if you need me, you can definately contact me, you can IM me on AIM if you just click that little button there on the side or just have my s/n, its HorizontalLies. Id really like to talk, if you want to. So IM me, PM me, give me a holler.

 

[lajones81]

 

[monarchsfan16]

Here's a suggestion for something that might help. It probably sounds stupid (it did to me at first), but it actually helped me to, at the very least, sort out some of the reasons for my feelings. One of my classes this semester is human development through the lifespan, including death (yeah I'm thrilled about that...), and one of our recent assignments was to write a letter to someone who has died, talking about our feelings, how we're coping, etc. 4 pages later I discovered that just sitting and typing and letting everything flow was really therapeutic. Am I all better? Not even close. But I did figure out a lot in the process of writing. And had a a lot of good (albeit teary) laughs as I remembered certain things that I was writing about. So you might consider writing letters, telling them basically whatever you want to say

 

[mystic_path]

Does anyonbe have any experience with this? My little sister died six weeks ago, and my aunt died two weeks ago, and I am having an extremely difficult time. I did quit work and drop half of my classes, but I still can't focus, and I'm going to fail two of three classes I have left. Also, I am seeing a therapist at school, but I only get a half hour a week with her. My friends are not being supportive at all (except for my bf). I can never focus. I have a four-page paper and a speech due in six hours, and I have tried and tried, and willl just have to tell the teacher why I can't do the speech or turn in the paper. They are both on the disease my sister had and died of, had I known she was going to die before I had to give my speech, I would have chosen a different subject, because I know I cannot get through the speech without crying.

I can't get much sleep, I cannot pay attention in class for more than fifteen minutes, I'm constantly fighting tears in class, and I REALLY cannot pay attention when I read my textbooks. I'd have completely left school for the semester had I known how bad it would be, but I know that my parents would be upset if I did that. Does anyone have any advice, or anything that helped them? Also, is anyone else experiencing anything similar, and would like to share?

Thanks in advance,
Alisa

Sweetheart I understand 100% where you are coming from. I was in the same position several years ago. I was going to college full time and I was working when not in school. My brother got sick and passed away and during this time the funeral arrangment had to be made, and since he was one of my best friends, he had told me before he passed for me to be at his side during the funeral which ment for me to carry the casket. That was the hardest day of my life, my grades slipped and I had to drop out because I just couldnt function. The therapy I had to go through was tremendous.

Something like this will never leave you, but it does get easier to go on after awhile. You just have to do things that you and your sister loved to do together, or fullfill things that she wanted to do, so you always have that bond. I started doing these things. I had to surround myself with things and people that made me happy, as thats what got me through it.

Just remember that your sister and your aunt would want you to be happy, and not upset. They would probably be upset seeing you upset.... Big hugs your way!!!