Going to DL with the ex, good idea or not?

[norcalmouse]

Robinb: No fingerpointing involved, just a general reminder as this
subject can obviously stir up strong feelings.
BTW I am ttrying to type this while sittng on my fingers just in kase.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You mention that you are the one who wants the divorce and not your wife. I think that going on a vacation like that would give her false hope and be wrong. It will have a ripple effect on the kids. I would imagine that she would be much more distraught after the trip when you decided to leave. Personally I don't think that is fair. The kids will then see Mom all upset and you will be the bad guy. Now- if you and your wife have decided before the trip that you will be splitting up and everyone knows this and you explain to the kids that you are just friends etc. and everyone gets along, I don't think it's a bad idea. I have friends who occassionally vacation with the ex and children - as friends only- and it works for them. You just have to make sure that your wife isn't looking at the trip as an opportunity to get back together. From what I read it seems like you are the only one who wants out.

 

[norcalmouse]

... Now- if you and your wife have decided before the trip that you will be splitting up and everyone knows this and you explain to the kids that you are just friends etc. and everyone gets along, I don't think it's a bad idea. I have friends who occassionally vacation with the ex and children - as friends only- and it works for them. You just have to make sure that your wife isn't looking at the trip as an opportunity to get back together. From what I read it seems like you are the only one who wants out.

Yes, this would be the case for us, but other than that I think
I will avoided presenting any more details as you will
obviously only get my side of things.

 

[t-beri]

my lil sis went to WDW w/ her ex and on the way home he was all " that was fun right? we had a good time, so we're back together right?" and when my sister said "No, but we can do fun things together with our son" he flipped and held her captive for 2 days and beat her severely. When he got out of jail on bail my sis got in her car to go to a court hearing for a restraining order (the 3rd one since he kept not showing up and the judge insisted he have a chance to defend himself) he had broke into her trunk (which could be accessed through the back seats) and forced her into the passenger seat (broken door and window mechanics-she couldn't get out) and held her hostage for 8 hours while we looked for her frantically. The cops finally chased them down in the next county by triangulating her cell phone when she was able to sneak it on.
That being said my ex and I do stuff with our son even though we are both remarried. Sometimes it just works out that way. When my son was younger (mind you he never lived with his dad-we split when he was 3 mo. old) sometimes he would say things like can't it just be me, you and daddy? Or if my husband and I were taking him somewhere he would ask to go w/ his real dad instead of daddy B.(who he's lived w/ all his life) we just had to explain that sometimes we did stuff together and sometimes we did stuff as a new family. My son is well adjusted and understands it now at 8 years old.
Best of luck with your decision.
...t.

 

[Lisa_Belle]

I voted for "bad idea don't confuse the kids."

I've been divorced for almost 5 years, and we separated when DD was just a baby. So, it's a family situation she's known for all her memorable life. And yet - like most kids - she really wants her mom and dad to get back together. I mean, don't we all want that "Leave it to Beaver" lifestyle with a happily married mom and dad and two wonderful children idyllic bliss? I believe that taking a vacation so soon during a separation may mislead your kids into thinking there is hope the two of you will get back together. Even though the two of you may be fine and dandy with the new arrangement, one or more of your children may not be.

If you do decide to go ahead with your family vacation, what you might consider doing is booking a package and having you stay part of the week and your ex stay part of the week and the kids stay the whole week.

 

[dman11]

My wife has 2 kids from her previous marriage and both her and her ex are now remarried. They were together since highschool and have been divorced since the kids were 2 and 3. One thing they always talked about was taking the kids to WDW. My wife and I decided to take the kids in October 2001. We are on relatively good terms with the ex and his then fiance. When we decided to book the trip we decided that it would be good to tell him and see if he wanted to go also. We stayed off site while they stayed on site.

It actually worked out quite well and the kids enjoyed us all being there together. They were 6 & 7 at the time and it was the first time they went away on vacation with all 4 of us. We were all quite shocked at how well it went. Disney has a way of making people happier and more understanding of one another. However it was all of our first time being there so it was a little extra special for us and it might be different if you go every year.

Hopefully everything works out and you guys have a good time.

 

[la79al]

I vote no, even if you remain on best of terms. It will truly confuse the children. When DFi was going through his divorce, the attorneys as well as the people who taught the classes he went to told them as hard as it was, they should not do anything like Christmas, birthdays together because it would be bad for the kids. As it was, DS, 7 at the time, would take any overheard phone conversation and turn it into his parents getting back together. It was terrible for a while. Just remember that kids do not percieve things the same as adults and they do not always know whats going on behind the scenes. A trip together may also make the kids feel as if they have to choose sides when both competing sides are present.

 

[writersblock42]

I voted "Don't confuse the ex." And if you have a new partner-that could create a lot of bad feelings. I personally would not want to spend a week with my recently divorced husband and his new partner. Maybe after a number of years and we have both moved on. If on friendly terms, I would go with the ex on a family vacation but not with the new partner. And I can almost guarantee that the kids no matter how nice the new partner is, will not want the new partner to come on a family traditional vacation.

 

[bookmama]

Bookmama, how soon after your split did you go?

Oh, as far as the kids pitting parents against one another,
they are already trying that and now I have started pitting
them against each other. Sometimes it is fun to mess
with their linear little minds LOL. [/QUOTE]


we have not been together for 8 years. but we still get along. we talk about my son and about how things are going on with each other.

 

[java]

Ok I am not divorced but my parents are and we did a disney trip during their separation and it was awful. My Mother was so stressed the whole time and it was on this trip that they were named the active and passive idiot by my 12 year old brother. They weren't fighting outwardly but the tension was thick. It was wierd for my little sister- she didn't get why dad was here but not at home. I hope this doesn't come across as harsh- but divorce does change things. The kids will be hurt no matter how great everyone gets along. I think this is all too fresh to be confusing everyone by the trip. Yes you might understand and maybe even your soon to be ex will understand- but what about her parents or your parents? Will it give them false hope? There are so many people that are impacted by divorce- the funny thing is I know my parents never thought about that- it was only happening to "them" I think if you can't do the day to day together- you shouldn't just do the fun stuff together. jmho as a btdt child that is now an adult.

 

[ilovejack02]

I vote for .... The family most likely needs counsling and then let the professional decided if it is a good idea to attend WDW together!

 

[norcalmouse]

I vote for .... The family most likely needs counsling and then let the professional decided if it is a good idea to attend WDW together!

First off, just want to thank everyone for posting/voting.

I doubt our therapist will decide, she is pretty good at assisting us
to communicate sufficiently to make our own decisions. But she
has stated we have an excellent business relationship when it comes
to running the family. In fact we have already discussed the issue
of future 'family' trips, but we both recognize it won't be business
as usual in the future, or even now. I do think now that WDW/cruise
will be too much to deal with.

BTW no abuse/drug/drinking/money issues with us. Has anybody
planned a trip post-separation/divorce and had the other party
bail out?