Gifting Etiquette Scenarios

[SEA333]

1. Housewarming Party - Everyone in my department received a handwritten invitation from a coworker to his housewarming party. his fiancé wrote on the invite: "Registered at So-And-So, cash gifts and giftcards also appropriate".

I will be out of town the day of the party and wouldn't have attended anyway as I am not very close to this person. One of my coworkers decided that everyone (including my boss) who couldn't attend should pitch in $20/each toward a giftcard. This couple is having a wedding in 6 months, and I'm sure we will be buying a group gift for that as well. I gave my $20 because I didn't really see a polite way around it, but it's been kind of bugging me. What is the appropriate thing to do in this kind of situation?

2. We got an email from the "team parent" of my son's high school football team saying that she thinks we should get the coaches gifts. She reminded us that there were 4 of them. She didn't give us an expected $$ amount.

For reference, my husband coaches (volunteers) youth/club football for our 8 year old, and, with 17 kids on the team, minus the four whose dad's are coaches, (so a total of 13 kids/families) my husband received a $150 giftcard to a upscale steakhouse in downtown Chicago and a $50 giftcard to Sports Authority. I'm pretty sure the other coaches got the same thing. That is a total of $800.00 between 13 families, plus what the team got the team mom (a spa giftcard - I don't know how much).

First, I am not opposed in any way to getting my older son's coaches a gift. However, since they get paid to coach high school football and may have limits on what $$ amount they can accept, and my husband and I were shocked at the $$ amount of DH's gift (usually it's a GC or some sort of team photo or whatever between $25-50), we don't feel as though this is the norm around here. There happens to be a lot of wealthy families on this particular youth team, but that is not true for ALL of the families in our area. It is very diverse.

What is the norm in your area for a coaches gift? There are 35-40 boys on the team. Every coach he has had before this has been a volunteer (and 90% of the time it was DH coaching his team, so pleas for gift donations were made in secret and we were never included on the emails!)

3. High School Teachers - anyone still get them gifts? DS has not really bonded with very many of them the way he did in Middle School...yet. A Faculty gift might be better, if anything? Not sure....

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

1. Housewarming Party - Everyone in my department received a handwritten invitation from a coworker to his housewarming party. his fiancé wrote on the invite: "Registered at So-And-So, cash gifts and giftcards also appropriate".

What is the appropriate thing to do in this kind of situation?

The appropriate thing would have been to not include gift information. This doesn't sound like a housewarming party, but more like a gift grab.

My opinion, I would RSVP "no." And that would be the end of it. If someone asked me about going in on a gift, I would say, "Thanks, I've got it covered."

I can't help with your other questions. We home educated our son, so no teacher gifts and no paid high school coaches.

 

[Marionnette]

1. Housewarming Party - Everyone in my department received a handwritten invitation from a coworker to his housewarming party. his fiancé wrote on the invite: "Registered at So-And-So, cash gifts and giftcards also appropriate".

I will be out of town the day of the party and wouldn't have attended anyway as I am not very close to this person. One of my coworkers decided that everyone (including my boss) who couldn't attend should pitch in $20/each toward a giftcard. This couple is having a wedding in 6 months, and I'm sure we will be buying a group gift for that as well. I gave my $20 because I didn't really see a polite way around it, but it's been kind of bugging me. What is the appropriate thing to do in this kind of situation?

2. We got an email from the "team parent" of my son's high school football team saying that she thinks we should get the coaches gifts. She reminded us that there were 4 of them. She didn't give us an expected $$ amount.

For reference, my husband coaches (volunteers) youth/club football for our 8 year old, and, with 17 kids on the team, minus the four whose dad's are coaches, (so a total of 13 kids/families) my husband received a $150 giftcard to a upscale steakhouse in downtown Chicago and a $50 giftcard to Sports Authority. I'm pretty sure the other coaches got the same thing. That is a total of $800.00 between 13 families, plus what the team got the team mom (a spa giftcard - I don't know how much).

First, I am not opposed in any way to getting my older son's coaches a gift. However, since they get paid to coach high school football and may have limits on what $$ amount they can accept, and my husband and I were shocked at the $$ amount of DH's gift (usually it's a GC or some sort of team photo or whatever between $25-50), we don't feel as though this is the norm around here. There happens to be a lot of wealthy families on this particular youth team, but that is not true for ALL of the families in our area. It is very diverse.

What is the norm in your area for a coaches gift? There are 35-40 boys on the team. Every coach he has had before this has been a volunteer (and 90% of the time it was DH coaching his team, so pleas for gift donations were made in secret and we were never included on the emails!)

3. High School Teachers - anyone still get them gifts? DS has not really bonded with very many of them the way he did in Middle School...yet. A Faculty gift might be better, if anything? Not sure....

1. You give a donation to keep peace in the office. It may not be proper Emily Post etiquette to extort gift money from co-workers but you have to play along with office politics sometimes.
2. Gifts from individual players and their families are frowned upon because it gives the appearance of currying favor. A group gift to the coaches or even just a gift from the graduating seniors is totally appropriate.
3. I only sent one gift in for one of my kids' teachers. That was only because it happened to be something nice that I'd gotten but had no use for, but it was something that this teacher collected and displayed in her classroom. I also happened to know this woman socially. The kids didn't want to look like a brown-noser by bringing in gifts for their high school teachers, so we stopped buying them gifts.

 

[MomToOne]

As far as the housewarming goes, I would chat with the coworker who decided a $20 "donation" from everyone was appropriate about a better way to handle this type of thing in the future. In our office, we usually put out a note saying that so-and-so is collecting if anyone WANTS to donate. You give if you want, otherwise you don't. There are no coerced amounts either - if someone wants to donate, they donate the amount they are comfortable with. We then take whatever total amount was collected - be it $5 or $500 - and get a giftcard with it.

I just did a collection for a co-workers wedding last week. Some people gave, some didn't. Amounts people did give varied widely. I had quite a few folks ask "how much are people generally giving?", in which case I told them the average, but I didn't bring that up unless asked. Had someone donated $1, I would have accepted it with a smile (as would be appropriate - any amount was truly welcome), and handed them the card to sign.

And for the record - unless it was a good friend, I wouldn't donate towards a housewarming gift. I'm tired of the constant gift-grabs like that.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

The appropriate thing would have been to not include gift information. This doesn't sound like a housewarming party, but more like a gift grab.

My opinion, I would RSVP "no." And that would be the end of it. If someone asked me about going in on a gift, I would say, "Thanks, I've got it covered."

I can't help with your other questions. We home educated our son, so no teacher gifts and no paid high school coaches.

I second this. The line about cash gifts and gift cards made me gag a little. Gift information should not have been included on the invite, and it stinks that your co-worker guilted you into contributing toward a gift card. (I've been caught in similar situations at my workplace, so unfortunately, I understand all too well.) The response suggested above is a good one.

 

[kymom99]

We just ended my son's sport season. We gave $20 per athlete for 7 senior gifts and 4 coaches gifts. There are 18 boys on the team. I would reply to the email and ask what the customary donation is.

As for the house warming, I would not have given for that gift, especially if I wasn't attending. But since you already gave, that is water under the bridge.

I do not buy for high school teachers.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

1. Housewarming Party - Everyone in my department received a handwritten invitation from a coworker to his housewarming party. his fiancé wrote on the invite: "Registered at So-And-So, cash gifts and giftcards also appropriate".

I will be out of town the day of the party and wouldn't have attended anyway as I am not very close to this person. One of my coworkers decided that everyone (including my boss) who couldn't attend should pitch in $20/each toward a giftcard. This couple is having a wedding in 6 months, and I'm sure we will be buying a group gift for that as well. I gave my $20 because I didn't really see a polite way around it, but it's been kind of bugging me. What is the appropriate thing to do in this kind of situation?

2. We got an email from the "team parent" of my son's high school football team saying that she thinks we should get the coaches gifts. She reminded us that there were 4 of them. She didn't give us an expected $$ amount.

For reference, my husband coaches (volunteers) youth/club football for our 8 year old, and, with 17 kids on the team, minus the four whose dad's are coaches, (so a total of 13 kids/families) my husband received a $150 giftcard to a upscale steakhouse in downtown Chicago and a $50 giftcard to Sports Authority. I'm pretty sure the other coaches got the same thing. That is a total of $800.00 between 13 families, plus what the team got the team mom (a spa giftcard - I don't know how much).

First, I am not opposed in any way to getting my older son's coaches a gift. However, since they get paid to coach high school football and may have limits on what $$ amount they can accept, and my husband and I were shocked at the $$ amount of DH's gift (usually it's a GC or some sort of team photo or whatever between $25-50), we don't feel as though this is the norm around here. There happens to be a lot of wealthy families on this particular youth team, but that is not true for ALL of the families in our area. It is very diverse.

What is the norm in your area for a coaches gift? There are 35-40 boys on the team. Every coach he has had before this has been a volunteer (and 90% of the time it was DH coaching his team, so pleas for gift donations were made in secret and we were never included on the emails!)

3. High School Teachers - anyone still get them gifts? DS has not really bonded with very many of them the way he did in Middle School...yet. A Faculty gift might be better, if anything? Not sure....

1. I would have RSVPd no and not given a gift in this case, but I do agree about keeping the peace in the office. I think it was inappropriate for your co-worker to set an amount for those not going, but it is too late now.

2. We always give gifts to both DDs' coaches, whether it is a paid HS coach or a travel team coach (also paid, but very little). I usually give $20-30 for the coach and $10-20 for the team manager. Having just collected for DD15s travel coach, amounts ranged from $10 to $35 per family.

3. DD15 does not want to give gifts to her HS teachers. I wish she would - some of her teachers are very good. But she thinks it would be weird and embarrassing, so I don't push it. I have e-mailed the teachers and copied the principal a few times to let them know how much I appreciate their hard work.

 

[Asherry25]

To weigh in on #3, gifting HS teachers...

Definitely not typical. Appreciated, sure, but not necessary. As a high school counselor, I've gotten a few gifts...the best way definitely a small bowl that one of my students made for me. Other than that, the appreciative cards stick out, and a nice email that includes my supervisors is appreciated most of all!

 

[Pooh2]

Definitely rude to mention gifts on a housewarming invitation. If you want a gathering, great. If you want us to furnish your home, no thanks.

This is the first I've heard of coaches gifts. We live in pretty small community. My husband coached for many years. He never received gifts. We've never been asked to donate for coaches through town or school teams.

My kids absolutely refused to do teacher gifts in high school. They said it makes you look like a dweeb.

 

[SEA333]

Definitely rude to mention gifts on a housewarming invitation. If you want a gathering, great. If you want us to furnish your home, no thanks.

This is the first I've heard of coaches gifts. We live in pretty small community. My husband coached for many years. He never received gifts. We've never been asked to donate for coaches through town or school teams.

My kids absolutely refused to do teacher gifts in high school. They said it makes you look like a dweeb.

haha...DS wouldn't give the teachers a gift as far back as 5th grade. Luckily that year, his teacher was the dad of one of his friends, so we know the family and I just gave Mr. Teacher the gift myself.

In middle school, we moved and DS had a hard time with some of the kids excluding him (classic "the new kid isn't going to steal my friends so I will make sure I'm a jerk to him first" thing). One teacher in particular, was amazing at watching out for him and making sure he was included and helped guide the nice kids toward DS without DS (or the kids) knowing what was happening. I sent her a gift and card, but had to bring it myself since there was no way DS was willing to do it!

So, good...it seems like we are all on the same page as far as HS teachers. Email is good....

Thanks!

 

[donac]

About #3. I think that when they ask the teacher for a favor they should give at least a thank you note. I have written many letters of recommendations for my seniors and some have given me cards, some have given me cards and some have given me nothing. I take time to do these letters and I would really appreciated at least a thank your note.

On the other hand last year one of my students gave me a mug and a $25 gift card to disney. I had this student for 3 straight years.

 

[cats mom]

1. I think requesting gifts on the invitation like that was incredibly tacky. I also think if someone is going to take up a collection having a suggested amount is fine, but in the end it's a GIFT, so the mandatory giving/amount part is nonsense.

2. I don't like it when collections are taken for coaches who are paid to coach, but it's very common here. I shell out for high school and club coaches every season. I generally go with $20 - $25 depending on how the experience was.

I did politely decline to contribute to a team mom gift this past season though. There were very few responsibilities for said mom, most were either ignored or delegated out, and she had already received 5 nights of free hotel stays at competitions as a thank you for her service from the club (translation: from those of us who paid our full fees for the season) I thought that was plenty and I didn't feel the need to contribute more.

Sometimes I think the gifting thing gets way out of hand.

3. No gifts for high school teachers yet, but have sent a hand written thank you note at the end of the year if the teacher made a particular impact on my child.

 

[lauradis]

1. I'm glad I don't feel the need to cave to peer/work pressure. If your an awesome worker, I enjoy your company and want to give you a gift I would on my own, no forced collection needed.

2. Same as above. I volunteer, because I enjoy to do what ever it is.

3. This is up to the student. We where out shopping Saturday and my daughter found this tie that she just had to have for her Math teacher. The tie is sitting on her dresser in nice tie box ready to be wrapped. We do make gingerbread houses for all her teachers and some years I put small giftcards inside. Hope they look inside before throwing away

 

[ninecrayons]

re: the Housewarming gift - the sounds like such a total grab for gifts. UGH! In the future, I would definitely tell the person who decided for everyone what was happening, that I was doing my own thing.

I really can't weigh in on the team thing - I have no experience with that.

Lastly, as a teacher I think you don't need to worry about giving gifts to HS teachers; especially if DS hasn't bonded with any of them well. Maybe just a nice Christmas card?

 

[MrsPete]

Situation #1: The guys are out of line. This "housewarming" is a gift grab, and saying that cash or gift cards are "appropriate" is just bad manners. Everyone put in $20? Since I wasn't going to be able to attend anyway, I'd try to get by with putting in $10 just for the sake of peace in the office.

Situation #2: I'd give a decent amount to the coaches. I work with a bunch of coaches, and the crap they take is . . . well, I wouldn't do it. Even if they're paid by the school, it works out to less than $2 an hour for the time they spend with the kids, and that doesn't include planning time, ordering uniforms or other equipment time, and it sure doesn't include dealing with parents time.

Situation #3: I'm a high school teacher, and gifts make me a bit uncomfortable. It can have the "buying a grade" feel. If you feel you must give a gift, make it something consumable -- candy, flowers, or similar. Make it SMALL. And unless you know the teacher personally, avoid homemade. More than once I've thanked a student profusely . . . and then tossed the homemade cookies. I don't mean to be rude, but I don't know what's in them.

 

[soccerchick]

My answers are below, but we live in one of (maybe the highest) income counties in the country. That said, there are plenty of families all over the income spectrum.

1. Housewarming Party - Everyone in my department received a handwritten invitation from a coworker to his housewarming party. his fiancé wrote on the invite: "Registered at So-And-So, cash gifts and giftcards also appropriate".

I will be out of town the day of the party and wouldn't have attended anyway as I am not very close to this person. One of my coworkers decided that everyone (including my boss) who couldn't attend should pitch in $20/each toward a giftcard. This couple is having a wedding in 6 months, and I'm sure we will be buying a group gift for that as well. I gave my $20 because I didn't really see a polite way around it, but it's been kind of bugging me. What is the appropriate thing to do in this kind of situation?

Depends. In your case, I'd have said "I'm doing my own thing." My own thing might have been to not do any present. I don't like being told what to give. I might have given $5 or $10 had I not been told to give $20. I know I shouldn't, but I also take into account what the "giftee" has done for others. Does he/she usually pitch in when there is a sickness, surgery or death? If so, I'm more likely to contribute.

2. We got an email from the "team parent" of my son's high school football team saying that she thinks we should get the coaches gifts. She reminded us that there were 4 of them. She didn't give us an expected $$ amount.

For reference, my husband coaches (volunteers) youth/club football for our 8 year old, and, with 17 kids on the team, minus the four whose dad's are coaches, (so a total of 13 kids/families) my husband received a $150 giftcard to a upscale steakhouse in downtown Chicago and a $50 giftcard to Sports Authority. I'm pretty sure the other coaches got the same thing. That is a total of $800.00 between 13 families, plus what the team got the team mom (a spa giftcard - I don't know how much).

First, I am not opposed in any way to getting my older son's coaches a gift. However, since they get paid to coach high school football and may have limits on what $$ amount they can accept, and my husband and I were shocked at the $$ amount of DH's gift (usually it's a GC or some sort of team photo or whatever between $25-50), we don't feel as though this is the norm around here. There happens to be a lot of wealthy families on this particular youth team, but that is not true for ALL of the families in our area. It is very diverse.

What is the norm in your area for a coaches gift? There are 35-40 boys on the team. Every coach he has had before this has been a volunteer (and 90% of the time it was DH coaching his team, so pleas for gift donations were made in secret and we were never included on the emails!)

I usually give $5 - $10 per coach. DH and I have both coached plenty and a gift is a nice gesture, but certainly doesn't need to be anything big. A signed ball or team picture is cool. Some teams my kids have played on have not gotten/organized a gift, so we buy a starbucks card or ice cream card and write a thank you note from our family. DH just finished coaching DS's baseball team as an assistant and received a $60 Amazon gift card and a $25 restaurant card. I'm not sure if the $25 card was from one kid or from the team collection. I thought that was a lot. I'd send in $20 in your scenario.


3. High School Teachers - anyone still get them gifts? DS has not really bonded with very many of them the way he did in Middle School...yet. A Faculty gift might be better, if anything? Not sure....

I am a high school teacher and receive a few gifts each year - some at Christmas, some at the end of the year, and some after writing letters of rec for college apps or scholarship apps. Most are $5 Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts cards. Some are $10 -$15, which make me a little uncomfortable since I am grading their work and pricey gifts can send the wrong message. Some are homemade treats. Once in a while I'll get a flower, plant, ornament, scarf, etc. Some kids bring them to me, some of them (or their parents) put them in my mailbox in the main office. I always write and mail thank you notes. I agree with a PP that a note from the kid or parent is the best and yes, an email CC'd to my principal is even better. The majority definitely do not give to HS teachers.

 

[SEA333]

My answers are below, but we live in one of (maybe the highest) income counties in the country. That said, there are plenty of families all over the income spectrum.



I am a high school teacher and receive a few gifts each year - some at Christmas, some at the end of the year, and some after writing letters of rec for college apps or scholarship apps. Most are $5 Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts cards. Some are $10 -$15, which make me a little uncomfortable since I am grading their work and pricey gifts can send the wrong message. Some are homemade treats. Once in a while I'll get a flower, plant, ornament, scarf, etc. Some kids bring them to me, some of them (or their parents) put them in my mailbox in the main office. I always write and mail thank you notes. I agree with a PP that a note from the kid or parent is the best and yes, an email CC'd to my principal is even better. The majority definitely do not give to HS teachers.

Thanks!

I have given each of my kids' teachers a letter at the end of the year telling them how much we appreciate all of their work and dedication to the classroom and my student. I ask the kids to tell me the things they like the most about that particular grade and teacher, and include that. I also thank them for helping in whatever ways were personally important or made a difference to my child that year, and that, since we consider all teachers heroes, they are now a hero to our family and will always be remembered for the contributions they have made to our child's academic success. Or something along that line. Very seldom in the 12 years (preschool included) that my kids have been in school have I not genuinely been able to write a letter at the end of the year without 1. crying as I write LOL, 2. Not feeling sincere in what I was writing, 3. not make the teacher cry And I always give a copy of the letter to the principal and tell him/her how amazing the teacher is. We have been very lucky to have had the most wonderful teachers for our kids.

I'm always glad to see how much this touches teachers. I want them to know how much I appreciate them helping my child grow. It just feels weird not doing anything for the HS teachers - they probably put up with the most!! LOL

 

[SEA333]

Situation #1: The guys are out of line. This "housewarming" is a gift grab, and saying that cash or gift cards are "appropriate" is just bad manners. Everyone put in $20? Since I wasn't going to be able to attend anyway, I'd try to get by with putting in $10 just for the sake of peace in the office.

Situation #2: I'd give a decent amount to the coaches. I work with a bunch of coaches, and the crap they take is . . . well, I wouldn't do it. Even if they're paid by the school, it works out to less than $2 an hour for the time they spend with the kids, and that doesn't include planning time, ordering uniforms or other equipment time, and it sure doesn't include dealing with parents time.

Situation #3: I'm a high school teacher, and gifts make me a bit uncomfortable. It can have the "buying a grade" feel. If you feel you must give a gift, make it something consumable -- candy, flowers, or similar. Make it SMALL. And unless you know the teacher personally, avoid homemade. More than once I've thanked a student profusely . . . and then tossed the homemade cookies. I don't mean to be rude, but I don't know what's in them.

Haha...I coach a competitive cheer team, so trust me - dealing with 10-12 year old girls is hard enough. Their parents bring the word "difficult" to a whole new level!!! And DH coaches/coached youth football and there have been years that I was the team mom, and holy cow! Parents get vicious. I tend to sit away from most of the parents on the team at DH/DS's games because the parents do not hold back on what they are thinking/feeling about the coaches in the heat of the moment. And I have had parents tell me to my face and in email that they can coach better (but always have some paltry excuse as to why they didn't step up and do it in the first place when we were asking for coaches to volunteer!) and they want to offer some "constructive" criticism. And we have to smile and politely take it because they have paid for their kid to be on the team. Sigh.

So, I agree that DS's coaches deserve a thank you!! LOL

 

[POOHsie]

In my experience, when we bought a house, or anyone else in our workplace, there was a shared moment of happiness and that's it. Maybe a supervisor would give a "gift bottle" to the new homeowner. But we didn't get a blanket party invitation or send someone around collecting $. A housewarming party is for personal friends. The workplace is not a resource to be tapped for "goodies."

 

[DizMe]

Anyone who works with kids deserves a thank you. That includes the parents! But you go into the work knowing that it isn't always easy and not because you expect a material reward.

I am a retired high school teacher, and my biggest rewards were from personal notes, cards, and positive remarks from students. I won't lie; I loved getting little things from those students who did it because they wanted to make my day a little brighter or felt I'd been a special help to them. I still have every note, card, and gift I was given (except for the edible ones). Those were often things they made at school. Since a high school teacher is generally only with each student for an hour a day, we understand that the bond is often not the same as with the grammar school teacher. That's why it's so wonderful when a student lets you know that you've been special to them in some way.

A visit after school from a student telling you they love your class or think you're awesome or have learned so much is the best gift of all. Many teens would rather cut off a limb than do this but you'd be surprised at the gestures we recognize--a little message on a homework assignment (even a happy face!), a smile, a compliment of any type--those are all gifts.