Gift Etiquette - what do you do?

[can'twait]

One clarification - I did not return everything for cash. I just exchanged the undies and used the cash from the bras and books to buy some clothes. I still have $ left which I'm not sure what to do with.

I guess my point is, we were both looking at it from different points of view. He thinks the giver should be pleased with the gift and I think the recipient should be pleased. I was curious which point of view most people took, which is why I asked the question. I guess mine is in the minority. I guess you learn something new every day.

I understand it wasn't his fault they didn't have the pajamas he was looking for and he admitted he got stuck overpaying for the books. He had no clue I didn't want them anymore either, so I was not upset with him, I just felt it was a shame to keep them when I had no intention of reading them but I could use some clothes. I would have felt tremendously guilty if I had kept $150 worth of gifts I didn't want/need. Should I feel guilty when I get a gift? I'm not sure. I think it would be dishonest to fake that I like something, but that's just me. I would be hurt if he faked liking something I got for him. I can understand his point of view, but I'm still not sure I agree with it.

 

[Angel16]

In my honest opinion your DH tried to find thoughtful gifts that he either knew you liked or used. Such as the VS bra's and panties. The books he probably thought would be perfect as you were reading one of the series, love Disney and Narnia is a Disney movie.

It seems he spent considerable time, thought and energy trying to give you gifts he thought you would like. If I did the same thing you did to my DH, it would probably be the last time he went shopping for me. I am not trying to be rude or mean, just stating a fact. Most people who really try to make their SO happy and go the extra distance to figure out nice items, find the items and go out and purchase them would not be filled with joy to have their SO run out the next day to return those same items.

IMHO you owe your DH an appology.

 

[diznygirl]

I guess the problem is in the communicating between each other what the other one wants. There should be no need for faking appreciation. I suppose at some point he was aware of your desire to read the Narnia books. But he was unaware that you had checked out the first book from the library, read it and didn't like it. This is something he should have known, or been told.

Also, if you didn't like or want a gift you could have told him before returning it. Another communication opportunity missed.

The giver should be happy giving the gift, and the recipient should be happy receiving it. But the recipient should also know it's a crap-shoot cuz you can't control the giver. But at all times be gracious because indeed it is the thought that counts.

 

[Keggy]

I would have returned the bras for bras in the style that I liked... I would have kept the books.

If my DH were to run right out and return or exchange the gifts that I had gotten I would be upset - but we give each other pretty specific gifts - so we can't go wrong. Definitely a suggesstion for next year.

Kelly

 

[mickeyboat]

I think your explanation is reasonable, but I have to agree with the majority, here. Your DH is understandably miffed. If someone put a lot of thought into a gift for me, I would never consider returning it, no matter how much I didn't like it. I know it seems like a waste of money, but money isn't always what it's all about.

My brother sent me and DH an iced tea maker. Just what I need is another small appliance. I actually sold my last one in a yard sale a couple of years ago. But you know what, that iced tea maker is probably one of the most thoughtful gifts he has ever gotten me. When I was in NC last summer, I insisted he stop at almost ever fast food joint we passed so I could get some sweet tea. They just don't make it like that around here. He remembered that and got me something useful and personal. Sure, I asked everyone to get me earrings because I need some desparately, but I would never return this for those, because the thought means a lot to me.

If I were in your situation, I would definitely have exchaged the bras for some that I like. I know my DH would understand that there is a certain kind I like. But why the underwear? Your DH probably took note as to what colors you have already, figure those are the colors you like, and got you those again this year. We can all use more underwear (that is assuming we wear them ). As for the books, I would have kept those. I think you are pretty lucky that your DH remembered that you were interested in them in the first place.

Good luck patching things up with your DH.

Denae

 

[Mom2Ashli]

So my DH bought me some undies in the wrong size and a color I NEVER wear I should keep them?? Well I am not! That would be a waste of money. And if he took the time to look in my drawer he would have seen the size that I wear and the colors I have.

Sometimes I wonder if we live in the same house.

 

[Michie]

In terms of my DH, I would not take things back, especially the next day. IMO, it would be a slap in the face. I unerstand your reasoning, but he spent time looking for things he thought ou would like and then you told him by your actions that he shouldn't have bothered. If I were your DH, next year I would get you a bunch of gift cards and be done with it.

I think you owe DH and apology. Again, JMHO

The Dh bought me some reallly nice ear rings; he spent more money on them than I ever would spend on ear rings. For a split second, I thought about taking them back and exchanging them, but I changed my mind. I know he went to alot of trouble and time to pick them out. So, I am just going to keep them and be thankful for such a sweeet hubby

 

[JCJRSmith]

I am going to take the opposite tack here folks. I feel that once I give a gift, what the recipient does with that gift is up to them. As long as the end result makes them happy.

I used to get upset by folks trading in the gifts until my father pointed out to me that the good feeling (for me) should come from giving the gift and if trading makes the recipient happy or happier then mission accomplished.

 

[floridafam]

Take what cash is left and get in the car. Go back to VS and buy something really sexy. Then, go buy the books back.

Be reading one of the books in your new sexy something when DH gets home. Tell him your sorry and that you want to make it up to him.

Problem solved.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would never return my DH's gifts. And the next day is just unbelievable. Maybe he likes that color. Maybe he wanted to get you gifts that were too "expensive" that you would never buy them for yourself. I would be happy that you DH buys you gifts and the gifts do show how much thought he put into them.

DH is a great gift giver, but like all men, you need to tell them directly what you do and don't want more than once.


ETA: One year my sister and DH concluded that I would love the Lord of the Rings books, so he bought me a boxed set. I hated the books and the first movie. I read all three books and then told him that they were not my style and we gave the used books to my sister. She loves the books. I would never have returned them. I did read them and he was ok when I explained what I did not like about the books. We joke about it now. But I did my part and read it.

 

[Steffi]

I personally wouldn't be upset if my DH had returned any of the gifts I got him. I'm sadly not that good at choosing gifts for people, even DH, even after almost 15 years of marriage. I do put a lot of thought into the gift-buying and I'll buy what I think is a great gift, only to find out that, well, it's not. I would much rather have someone return a gift I got them in exchange for something better/more useful than to keep it and not use it just so as not to hurt my feelings.

 

[Marseeya]

I can't imagine ever doing something like that to my DH. It's not that I've never returned something he's bought, but to run out within 24 hours, without him? That just seems very thoughtless.

Giving presents isn't about the money. Sounds like your DH could teach you a thing or two about gift giving.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would be hurt if he faked liking something I got for him.

How do you know that he is not doing this? He could be a great actor. I know DH does this, but I eventually ask why are you not using/wearing/reading etc the gift. He will then admit that it was not what he liked, but preserving my feelings was a more inportant gift to him than the thing that he wanted. Our happiness is our greatest gift to each other.

I am also in the group that thinks you owe your DH an apology.

 

[Snoopymom]

Well, I'm super frugal and I run into this every year. I end up with a few very expensive items and it just kills me because I know that I could get a whole wardrobe for what he spent, LOL.

This year it was the softest most extravagant robe that cost more than I'd pay for a suede coat, LOL, but it sure was nice this morning...

sometimes I discretely exchange items using the excuse that it's the wrong color, but they didn't have more, etc. and sometimes I just keep the stuff and try to enjoy being pampered, which is especially hard when you've been married forever and it's your money/budget too, LOL.

Give him a hug and apologize and act really excited about all the things you were able to get in exchange and he'll forgive you.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Take what cash is left and get in the car. Go back to VS and buy something really sexy. Then, go buy the books back.

Be reading one of the books in your new sexy something when DH gets home. Tell him your sorry and that you want to make it up to him.

Problem solved.

I second this.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I might have been a little hurt if I had of been your DH, however, I'd be a lot hurt if I spent that kind of money and the things were left untouched. I'd rather handle a little hurt and know that you exchanged the items for things you really wanted. Maybe next year a gift certificate would be the way to go.

 

[tiger95]

I can't imagine ever doing something like that to my DH. It's not that I've never returned something he's bought, but to run out within 24 hours, without him? That just seems very thoughtless.

Giving presents isn't about the money. Sounds like your DH could teach you a thing or two about gift giving.

I think Marseeya makes the best point here. It isn't the fact that you returned the presents that is the bad thing, it is doing it so quickly without talking to your DH about it.

Like another poster said, if you were my DW, you would be getting a few gift cards next year, and that would be it.

Just my .02.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I guess my point is, we were both looking at it from different points of view. He thinks the giver should be pleased with the gift and I think the recipient should be pleased.

To answer this question...I agree with you that the recipient should be the one that is please. I do think that maybe you didn't handle it the best way, though, assuming that you didn't explain all this to your DH before going shopping. LOL about the buying of bras and panties...my DH would NEVER buy these things for me.

 

[can'twait]

I did tell him before I went what I was doing, that it was not his fault he didn't know I didn't want the books anymore (he acknowledged they were overpriced) and that I was going to exchange the bras for some pajamas. It just happened that they didn't have the pajamas and I ended up buying clothes for work instead. I would not have gone yesterday except that I had to go out anyway and I was hoping to get more for my $ due to the sales, and I have to work the rest of the week, but I had yesterday off, so it was convenient.

 

[Honeibee]

My DH is very much into a lot of things I know nothing about, like model airplane building and SCUBA. At first I would try to guess what he would like but when I realized I was getting in over my head I asked him to tell me specifically what he would like for Christmas, his birthday, etc. So he started tearing pages out of catalogs and leaving them for me.

So I started a folder.

Then he asked me to do the same, because he doesn't know what kinds of clothes in what sizes I like or what I need for the horses or what books I might be interested in reading.

So now we each have perpetual "Things I Would Like To Have" folders.

Let me tell you how easy it is to shop for each other now!

The end result this Christmas....He got the plane he wanted and was thrilled! I got the LL Bean coat I wanted, in my exact size and color.

Ok maybe this takes some of the mystery out of it, but we each have so many things in our folders that you never know what you'll get. And some things you might never get. (OK, DH has a dirt bike in his. I doubt I will ever be able to afford that one!)

Then once you get something that was in your folder, you take that page out.

I'm sorry I don't have a solution for your recent issue, but perhaps this will resolve an future issues.