Getting re-married? - Looking for others experiences / thoughts

[ssawka]

Dude,

You sound like you are going through a midlife crisis. If said young girlfriend does get pregnant, you will probably grow tired of her, just like you grew tired of your first wife.

You both want different futures. Find someone your own age instead of the trophy wife.

Wow! I really do not know the OP's story or what lead to his divorce (since he has a new username), but to assume that he would grow tired of his girlfriend of two years or that she is a "trophy wife" is a bit sexist and unfair. Things happen and it is a shame that everything did not work out between his ex and him, but that does not mean that things will not work out this time. Now I do agree that he needs to sit down and really think about what he wants out of life. He should not allow love to blind him into sacrificing himself and making decisions he will later regret. If after some self-reflection he decides that he really does wish to re-marry, then I wish him and his girlfriend a long and happy life together.

 

[sk!mom]

Well, my perspective is probably a bit different.

My parents divorced when I was five, and my dad remarried when I was ten. My dad wasnt necessarily sold on getting married again, or having more children. He did both. One of my half brothers was born when he was 44, the other at 47. My dad has always been in great physical shape- think mountain climbing and triathlons. But I still noticed a lot of differences in his parenting at an older age.

My dad is not as patient with my brothers as he was with my sister and I. He never crawled around on the floor with them, and he was a lot more creative and playful with my sister and me. It wasnt so much physical energy, I just dont know that he had the same emotional energy with them, if that makes sense.

!

This has been the case for the people that we know first hand and due to our age we know several.

Our neighbor whose second set are now 5 and 7 and he's in his fifties, constantly comments to DH that he's too tired this go around. He does seem to be doing great with them; very involved but we sense regret and exhaustion.

DH's brother has the second divorce that you fear. He's living in an apartment at 56 and is facing years of alimony and 8 more years of child support. Then college costs in his 60's. He doubts that he will financially recover this go around. His second ex wife isn't doing well either. She had children later and hasn't worked so she's struggling to get by on alimony and child support while trying to renter the workforce in this economy.

Honestly the remarried couples who seem the happiest are those who did not start another family but married someone closer to their own age and stage of life. As you know, if yours are teenagers, kids bring joy but also stress.

The advice to get couple's counseling is good. You both need to be clear on expectations.

 

[daisymomof4]

First some background on me: I am a Dis vet and I’m using a different user name for this post. Several years ago, I posted about my 18 year marriage ending. I won’t go through the details but due to her being a stay at home mom and me with the job and career, I had to cover a long duration of alimony and child support. In lieu of payments, I worked out a settlement to pay her a good size lump sum. So between the lump sum and her getting half the assets, she walked away with just about everything we had built up and saved leaving me cash poor. But with my career and salary, I was ok with it because I knew I could make up the $$ over time.

My first reaction to my marriage ending was to get back on the horse and to start dating. I was lucky to meet and date many women over the course of the first year I was single. However, when I met my current girlfriend, I was done. She is my perfect Disney princess. We have been together for about 2 ½ years and we are currently living together. We are both very happy.

She is 32 years old - 12 years younger than I am, never been married and never had kids. She has a job in health care that she loves but it pays terrible. She has nothing saved in fact she was deeply in debt when I met her. Over the last 2 years she almost out of it thanks mostly to me covering her living expenses while she put her income to her debt.

Now the $64,000 dilemma: Of course she wants to get married and have kids and she wants to stay at home with them. I love this girl to death and would love nothing more than to be married to her and have a family with her. And I consider myself very lucky to even been given this almost second life opportunity. But I have 2 big issues. First, I cannot stomach going through another divorce. Emotionally I think I would be better prepared but I don’t think I would be able to recover again financially especially since I would be in the same boat with alimony and child support. And certainly if we had kids, I can’t imagine putting the kids through what my kids have been through. As for having kids, I am 44 years old. I am in great physical shape and I am more like a guy in his late 30’s, but the thought of having teenagers while I am in my 60’s (especially if they are girls again), also makes me queasy not to mention starting to save for college education again. I am getting sticker shock now as my teenagers are starting the process. I can’t imagine it again in 20 years.

Any thoughts or experiences to share in this situation? I know we can do a pre-nupt but I am not sure how well it will hold up if it is ever needed as things in year 1 when the agreement is written, get very blurred as years pass. I guess I am looking for other folks in a similar situation who have taken the plunge and those who didn’t. What has worked out and what have been your regrets? Any advice?

See that word I made bold, big and red above? I think you already know what you want...and it's not the same as what she wants.
The first issue you point out is the fear of divorce. I can understand that, I've been divorced and am remarried and those fears were valid for me too before I remarried. It's the part about children that worries you that makes me think it's not the road you want to go down. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting more children. There is nothing wrong with her wanting children. It just puts you two at such far, opposite ends of things I don't think that can be honestly and genuinely brought together. I'd hate to see one of you compromise now and resent it later, resentment would be the worst thing of all for a marriage.

I can only give you my opinion and not knowing you other than this post you made here, that's what I'm thinking. It's never easy to let go of a relationship and all the dreams and plans that go with it. But be honest with YOURSELF first, dig deep and find out what YOU want and need, then go from there.

 

[Eureka]

The trophy wife comment made me laugh. I was 32 ten years ago and had just had my second baby. Definitely was not looking my best back then! I think (and my husband has even said) that I look better now. DH is almost 9 years older than I am and I am pretty sure I have never been a trophy wife to him. I would be more concerned that the OP seems unsure about having more kids now that he's been there, done that.

 

[Sinderelly]

IMHO if she truly is the right one you shouldn't be second guessing. If you don't want to start another family it might be better to find someone on the same page. If you are having doubts you may not be ready for marraige again.

One more thing that caught my attention if you have been living together and paying all her expenses of course she wants to marry you and stay home with the kids.

It sounds like you need to do some serious thinking. I wish you the best of luck with your decisions.

 

[clutter]

We have agreed it would be only 1 if we did it and due to my age, while we can wait on getting married, we will need to put the kid issue to bed sooner than later. I am more worried about my clock than hers.

No, you need to worry about her clock. If kids ends up being the dealbreaker, she needs to know sooner rather than later. If you all decide no kids, you also should have a discussion of what to do if one happens anyway. I have a friend that got pregnant while on the pill. It happens. I also have a friend who got pregnant in her mid-40s. (Oops.) You're concerned about having kids now. What about in 10 years? Just something to think about.

 

[imsayin]

Frankly, I just have a bad taste in my mouth about the institute of marriage after going through an ugly divorce and losing my shirt in the process. I have no problem spending the rest of my life with (this) one person.

I would skip the marriage part all together.

 

[disykat]

Yes, if you marry someone and have more kids there will be financial implications. If that feels like "losing your shirt," then don't do it. Seriously, it's that simple.

IMO, you should get married when you WANT to be financially tied to someone for the rest of your life and feel like it's worth the "risk" because your gut is just telling you it's right.

 

[DisneyMomma81]

My dad left my mom in 2005 *Hallelujah! He was awful to her! Since then he's married one woman twice and a third woman - they're now divorced too.

Thankfully his wives were close to him in age, I'm my parents oldest ~ they were born in 57 and 60 ~ me 81, if my dad showed up with a 30something I'd disown him.

I'm single, I'd like more kids, I'm almost 32 ~ I don't want to be an old mom of little ones - I enjoy working and plan to always work no matter what.

 

[Colleen27]

Honestly, I think you know the answer here. That's a big age difference, you're at entirely different stages of life, and she wants children that you don't. I think your second thoughts about the financial aspects are a red flag that you realize deep down that there are bigger issues on the horizon.

I married a man who is 10 years older than me. I don't regret it - we're happily married, and have three great kids - but if one of my kids came to me and told me he/she was thinking about marrying someone with that big an age difference I would strongly caution against it. My husband and I were on the same page when we married - both young, working, wanting to start a family. But since then some issues have come up where the age difference has mattered more. We both wanted three kids, but when we had a hard time having the third he was very "now or never" about it because he was looking at 40 and worrying about an eventual overlap between retirement and college. When his business failed in the housing collapse I pushed him to go back to school to get into something more stable; he believes he's too old to start over so we continue with the ridiculous uncertainty of the construction industry. And retirement is a conversation that we just don't have any more; his father developed serious heart problems in his early 60s and we're both very aware that DH may not be in any shape to travel by the time I reach retirement age.

Even if you work something out on the immediate problem relating to your age difference and different stages of life, there will be others that arise. You both need to be very, very sure you're up for those challenges, not just right now but at every new milestone and fork in the road for the rest of your lives.

 

[Belle0101]

I think the advice about counseling is spot on.

The only thing I have to add is my experience. Take it FWIW (probably about 2 cents).

Between my DH and I we have 4 boys:
His- 33 and 30
Mine - 18
And ours - 13

The 33 & 30 yr old barely acknowledge that the 18 yr old even exists. It's been this way forever. I've asked DH about it over the years but there's never really been an answer.

They only slightly more acknowledge the 13 yr old. Again, I've asked why but there's never been a real answer.

Maybe it's the age difference, maybe it's being step-brothers and half-brothers, maybe it's resentment over their dad starting a new family, I really don't know. But it is something to think about, the blending of the two families. (If you go the marriage and children route.)

Then there are grandchildren. The 33 yr old is not ready for children but the 30 yr old has 4. I understand grandparents spoil grandchildren but DH has allowed the grandchildren to do things that the 18 & 13 yr old were, and still are, not allowed to do. They know that they were, and still are, not allowed to do those things and they have called him out on it. DH laughs it off. It is causing some very hard feelings from the 18 & 13 toward the 4 grandchildren.

I don't see a time when the 18 & 13 yr old will ever be close to the 33 & 30 yr old or the grandchildren. And really, that's sad.

I am in no way implying that you or your future children would be this way, please don't take it that way. I just want to say, and give a real life example, of some things to consider to help you be better prepared for a blended family than we were. (If you go the marriage and children route.) Best of luck to you!

 

[buckirj1]

It sounds as if you've been a walking wallet to both your ex and your GF. That's not good for anyone, especially you. I'm happy you found someone, but your reservations about children are spot on. If you don't want any more children (and that's nobody's decision but yours), then you need to take responsibility for your fertility and make it so. Schedule the Big V immediately, but be prepared this may be a dealbreaker for your GF. If it were me, I'd run like heck before GF decides to oops you.

 

[ssawka]

IMHO if she truly is the right one you shouldn't be second guessing. If you don't want to start another family it might be better to find someone on the same page. If you are having doubts you may not be ready for marraige again.

I disagree! Although they do need to be on the same page, second guessing getting married is a good thing. It shows that the OP knows the seriousness of the commitment. Before I proposed to my wife I was full of doubt and panic. I knew I wanted to get married, but I also knew it was a life-long commitment and I wanted to be absolutely certain I was doing the right thing. 16 years later, there is no doubt in my mind that it was the best decision I ever made. I think too many people do not question marriage enough. I believe that fact is what has lead to such a high rate of divorce.

 

[mrsklamc]

If you aren't concerned about her fertility and you know she wants to be a mom then your claims about how much you love her are untrue.

You can't buy that time back, if you don't want more kids let her go NOW. She's already not far from AMA.

 

[BenbowInn]

I think the most important thing is how your current children feel about the whole thing. How would more kids, a stay at home step mom, and a potential future divorce affect them? What about their inheritance one day...would starting a second family take away from your current children's future (that is the number one thing I think adults need to consider above all else, of course I'm of the mind that our children's feelings/well being comes first, no matter how much it hurts us or we have to sacrifice our kids should always come before our own desires).

Also how do you feel? My dad got burned in my parents divorce just like you did and its been 20 years and he says he will never get remarried, it's too risky and he's not risking losing everything that should go to his children for a woman.

I would give it some serious thought and consider your own feelings and your children's feelings even more so than your girlfriends feelings, because you've already been through it before.

Best of luck to you.

 

[BenbowInn]

To add, my husband is from his dads second marriage. His older brother, from his dads first marriage, has always taken FILs remarriage and second set of kids hard. In fact he's been in and our of rehab and prison his entire adult life and still blames his dad for ruining his life and having more kids instead of being there for him. His problems all started at the age of 16 when his dad got remarried.

I have a few psychiatrist in the family and the whole remarriage/step/half family thing ends up hurting a lot of children who grow into resentful adults. Of course many times it ends great, but often times it doesn't. That's why I feel so strongly that people need to do what is best for their kids, first and foremost. You're decision impacts them just as much as it does you, probably more so since its out of their control.

 

[Lisa71]

If she has an education and you love her and she loves you and your kids then I think do it. Discuss, get counseling, agree this is it and jump in. I just wanted to be sure if you died unexpectedly she was ok. I wish you a very long life but my Mom's Dad died suddenly at 49 and no warning or family history of heart problems. If my Grandma has not had options my Mom and Aunt would have starved. You know your heart.

 

[HeatherC]

If you are thinking about entering into a marriage where a future divorce is even a remote possibility in your mind, DON'T DO IT!!! Marriage is for better or worse...till death do us part. If that little voice inside you is telling you something...listen to it. You owe it to both yourself and your girlfriend...and your kids.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Praying Colonel]

If I didn't want kids and I knew the woman I was seeing did, then I'd probably break it off. I definitely wouldn't get married.

 

[Colleen27]

I think the most important thing is how your current children feel about the whole thing. How would more kids, a stay at home step mom, and a potential future divorce affect them? What about their inheritance one day...would starting a second family take away from your current children's future (that is the number one thing I think adults need to consider above all else, of course I'm of the mind that our children's feelings/well being comes first, no matter how much it hurts us or we have to sacrifice our kids should always come before our own desires).

Wow, I think that is giving kids way too much power (and responsibility), not to mention holding divorced parents to a standard that would never be applied to married parents. We don't ask the kids' permission before having another child, changing jobs, starting a business, or doing any number of other things that effect the resources and eventual inheritance available to our current children - with good reason. Children are by definition immature and naturally self-centered - they lack the resources for that kind of decision-making. Why should personal relationships be any different?

My mother didn't date or remarry out of concern for us kids. Several of my friends' mothers did the same. And now that we're all in our 30s and they're in their 60s, when we get together our overinvolved, overdependent mothers is a common topic of conversation. It just isn't healthy to live your life entirely for someone else, especially not when that someone else is a child that you're raising to leave the nest.