Getting dh to help around the house

[PollyannaMom]

Maybe as a temporary "fix"...

Get a basket for each room. Anything that is out of place goes in the basket. When the family is looking for something, they should look in the basket. It doesn't matter what it is...papers, toys, socks, whatever.

I love the basket idea!!!

Also, is your DH competitive in other areas? If so, you could try this:
Make a list of the chores and buy a large bag of marbles. Select (or make, if you want a family project) containers for each of you, including the kids - recycled jars work just fine. Whoever does a chore on the list gets to put a marble in his or her jar. Most marbles at the end wins. The prize can be as simple/inexpensive as choosing the movie you watch, or it can be something big and fabulous. - At best, the competetive streak may kick in. At worst, you'll still "win", but at least you'll get something out of it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with you frantasmic....
You have hit the nail on the head.

But, as long as the OP doesn't see the issues, and how she is being disrespected and taken advantage of.... then the situation will just continue.

She refuses to see any real problem with her husband's behavior... (just thinks he should help clean-up) and believes they have a good relationship. Yeah, good for him... he has a wife who is helping to support him financially, doing ALL the domestic work... and not just the larger chores like keeping up with laundry, etc... but is actively at his heels picking up after him (which is HUGE). No real concessions in the bedroom department either.

Wow, that must be one big ego trip.
His situation is sweeeeeeeeet!!!!

If I were him, I would sit back and issue a contented 'sigh' myself.

 

[SandrA9810]

I deal with this with Kari... and she's not a guy... ughhh, I thought she wouldn't be as bad as some guys are.

Any case. Since I stopped working it's become "MY" responsibility to keep every thing clean, but when we were both working, I still did the vacuuming, the dishes, the laundry, the picking up everything after her. She won't put anything into the hamper, socks are left all over the floor in the living room, under the table, in the bedroom. And she does this annoying thing of scrunching them up to a ball. So if you toss em in like that they don't get clean. And I've done it several times, but it also makes it easier for her to wear holes in them and then she knows she's going to get a new package of socks.
She can't fold clothes because some how it's not in her and it looks like a 2 year old did it. She can't even put a shirt on a hanger. How difficult is it really?? And if I yell at her that it's not right, she's like fine you do it. She can't iron anything, she just manages to make more wrinkles. She doesn't pick up dirty dishes, she's just good about setting it on the floor to let the dog lick the bowl (usually only for mac and cheese). She can't make a bed right, four corners that get stretched over the side is too complicated. She'll only do like one pass over on the carpet with the vacuum cleaner and say it's done. Doesn't work when we have a long furred dog. Thankfully she can do laundry, even if she doesn't know how to seperate colors. I do three different loads, dark colors, light colors, socks & undies... I don't try to make it complicated. I do make her clean the bathroom, because I tell her it's because she's been custodial trained at work, but I have to do the daily tiding up.

She blames it on that she's working sooo hard that she doesn't have time for it. But when we were both working both bringing home the same income... I still some how managed to do it all myself at midnight when we got home. And it's not like I'm asking her to do a lot, just clean up after herself, put her clothes in the dirty hamper so I can do the laundry without searching high and low for her costumes that could be anywhere including the car (I love it when she takes the car to work and then yells at me for not having any clean costumes for her when all the shirts are in the car). And of course I have to stay up to put the clothes in the dryer if she has to wear the same costume for a second night in a row.

And if I don't do it myself, it won't get done right, so it's pointless in argueing with her because I have to go over it all again myself because she refuses to learn how to do it the right way.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Well, are you in charge of the finances as well? If you are the answer is pretty simple: give him an allowance, for which he must do chores. It's the same as with a kid (and I make it a point never to try thinking of my DH as someone more emotionally sophisticated than a teenage boy). He gets so much for gas to get him to work and that's it, unless he earns his keep. But that may not be workable for you. In which case there are other options.

There's the "treat him like a roommate" option. Sure, you'll still be stuck with the lion's share of the work around the house, but make it clear that his side of the bedroom, his side of the bathroom, his dishes etc. does not get cleaned unless he does it. Feel free to toss extra crud on his side of everything when cleaning your own. So if his clothes are on the bed, they get moved to floor at his side of the bed. Feel free to serve him on dishes merely scraped clean. Or not at all. There's really no reason for you to have to fix a grown man dinner...or buy him food to make his own. One caveat, if he has pets they continue to be fed and cared for regardless of his transgressions. When he inevitably complains remind him firmly but calmly how overworked you are.

There's the "hit him where it hurts" option. It's much the same as the allowance option, but doesn't involve money. Rather, it involves things. If he cannot take care of himself and your home, then he does not deserve to have nice things like tools and video game systems and beer. Take whatever he likes most to work with you and leave it there until he cleans up his act. Don't throw whatever it is away, that's an act of war. Merely relocate it for its own safety.

Then of course, there is the final option. This is the "suck it up" option. You must always be prepared to just live with the suck it up option if nothing else works. That's marriage, unfortunately.

 

[mickeyboat]

Your DH is acting like a child. But that does not mean you should stoop to his level. I have tried that before - putting dirty clothes under DH's pillow because he refused to pick them up off the floor, putting the dead Christmas tree in front of the door so he could not get in until he took care of it - it doesn't work.

I also don't think hiring someone to clean and do yard work will help either. It won't solve the problem with socks on the floor or paper towels on the counter.

In order to continue to live with this guy without resenting him, you will need to do two things. The first is to find some way to communicate to him that you need him to change. Like I said before - try to find something he enjoys doing, or have him choose a chore or area of the house that he is responsible for.

The second is that you may need to loosen up your standards a bit. No, you aren't expected to live in a hole, but you might be able to let him throw his socks on the floor of your bedroom (that no one sees but you) or leave his paper towels on the counter temporarily (assuming he will take care of them later).

DH sometimes leaves his crap all over the place - claiming he will take care of it later. I can choose to wait until he takes care of it, or if I can't stand it, I can take care of it myself. If I choose to take care of it myself, I can't blame him. KWIM?

 

[MrsPete]

You probably won't like this answer, but it's the only one I've found in 20 years of marriage: I just gave up on him ever helping around the house.

Seriously.

When we were first married, this was the only thing we ever fought about. In two full decades of marriage, it's the only thing we've fought about on a consistant basis. Over the years I tried EVERYTHING: nagging, scheduling, doing it together, begging, logical arguments, rewarding help, letting it pile up, tears . . . everything worked for a week, nothing worked longer than that . . . and worst of all, it caused massive resentment on both sides. He WILL DO whatever I fuss about, BUT it always leads to a fight, and he NEVER does the same task again unless I continue nagging him. Having a load of dishes done is simply not worth two days of resentment on both our parts.

The simple fact is I have a problem with the house looking like a pigstye -- he doesn't. He will continue to leave trash on the counter right next to the trash can because it just doesn't occur to him that it matters. He will never wash a pot that he doens't want to use RIGHT NOW because he sees no point in putting forth the effort. He has literally never vaccumed the floor, and has never cleaned the bathroom. He considers clean clothes nice, but not necessary. I can't change this about him.

He doesn't leave these things because he figures I'll come along and "fix them"; it's not laziness. Rather, he just doesn't care whether they're done. He doesn't notice (or care) when I do them. He doesn't notice (or care) when I don't do them.

VERY IMPORTANT, THE KEY TO WHY I PUT UP WITH THIS: Except for this problem, he is a wonderful husband, a loving father, a good provider. He has a great sense of humor, lets me have my way on many things, always knows what to get me for my birthday, takes me to great places, sets a good example for our children (in all ways except cleanliness), shares my values, never questions what I spend . . . the list of positives go on and on. But he doesn't give a **** about whether the house is clean.

If this doesn't-give-a-****-about cleaning attitude was one of many problems we had, that'd be one thing. But honestly it's the only thing I'd like to change about him.

So a couple years ago it finally hit me that I have two options:
1. Continue to nag, feel resentful, and fight about the household chores.
2. Just do them myself.

I chose to just do them myself. Yes, sometimes I am resentful -- and I let him know that -- like when things really pile up -- but usually I remind myself of all the postive things he does, and I accept that "giving him a pass" on this cleaning is the best choice for our marriage. Doing it myself takes significantly less energy than fighting with him.

When it comes to things I can't do (i.e., fixing the broken ceiling fan or the leaky faucet), I give him a week and then I call someone. If he doesn't get it done, he's not allowed to complain about the money. He accepts this compromise.

No, it's not right. Yes, it's disrespectful. BUT I'd rather have him and this one problem . . . than to be without him in a spotless house.

 

[KAMLEM]

He doesn't leave these things because he figures I'll come along and "fix them"; it's not laziness. Rather, he just doesn't care whether they're done. He doesn't notice (or care) when I do them. He doesn't notice (or care) when I don't do them.

That may be true, but he does realize that it's important to you yet still he doesn't help. The only thing that's important is what he cares about. That just seems selfish to me.

 

[stego]

or sometimes it's a month. But eventually, like clockwork, the "ole" my Dear Husband doesn't do his share around the house. At first it was entertaining; now it's just dismal. Gazing upon my computer screen thousands of miles away as a stranger I am reminded of the grim reality of life outside of my world. Inviting over 130k DIS'er's a glimpse into your home really isn't a solution.

There have been some really good suggestions here but at the best they are a band aid to what's really going on. The last poster on acceptance seems to be the best one. Your "dear husband" has little to no respect for you. What is clear to me won't be to you but I'm not in your shoes.

To have a different spin on it, think about this statement: I can clean 3 houses and still feel inadequate. The issue isn't that I can clean 3 houses; it's how I feel inside. It's horrible and it's something I will live with for the rest of my life. I can spend huge amounts of energy putting on outside appearances in being this good husband and father but inside I am overwhelmed with shame.

I grew up in an environment of belligerance and it wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I asked for help. The solution didn't happen overnight; I am a work in progress. For years I scurried to pick up the club of anger as that was all I knew. My wife told me that she was sick and tired of seeing me beat myself up. I will tell you: it is no fun without an audience.

I don't think I'm unlike most folks here who have a career, a home, a spouse and kids. How much I do around the house isn't important...how I respect my wife is. She insists on loading the dishwasher so I walk away and she does it when she is good and ready, and not a moment before. She is an RN and works some really long hours. Each day I am given an opportunity to show her how much I appreciate her. How I do that is completely up to me. It is indeed very rare to find a man who demonstrates this day in day out but they are there.

I made it clear to my wife that if I have the time to train as an athlete 12-15 hours a week, with race weekends, etc. then I have the time to take on the lion's share at home. I work mon-fri 8-5 but I have flexible time and I don't take that for granted. It is important for me to be involved in the community so twice a week I do community service.

My life is pretty balanced, but like I said, that didn't happen overnight...and to top it off, I have this WDW hobby...not unlike other folks here. I am always mindful there is much more work ahead.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't know if someone said this option, however what I did was make him come and help me.

So if there are chores, I call everyone, him whatever combo and we clean together and vice versa. He calls me when he needs help.

That way it gets done faster and everyone can share in the messes they made that day.

Now if my dh had the nerve to stand there and tell me he was not going to help out to my face, then there is a serious marriage problem.

You don't have to be mean about everyone helping out, you make make it light and "fun" (you know what I mean).

Anyway that is what worked for us and it is "normal". Ex....dinner is over, everyone pitches in and cleans till it is done.

Tons of laundry, everyone helps out including the kids.

My house is not spotless however I am not going to spend 3 hrs in the evening picking up after everyone. Some people enjoy that, like my sister, I am "done" after 7pm.

 

[etoiles]

Like the last poster I have found that the best way to get DH to help out is to ask him to help while I am also doing something. Like when I am cooking dinner I will ask him to fill up the trash bags while I am cooking or he helps me chop or do dishes or something. I think it works better because he can see that I'm busy doing something so he more easily helps out without nagging or anything.

Am looking forward to any other ideas as well though.

 

[Maybelle]

Like the last poster I have found that the best way to get DH to help out is to ask him to help while I am also doing something. Like when I am cooking dinner I will ask him to fill up the trash bags while I am cooking or he helps me chop or do dishes or something. I think it works better because he can see that I'm busy doing something so he more easily helps out without nagging or anything.

Am looking forward to any other ideas as well though.

I was thinking this too...sometimes my dh just needs to be asked in the moment. I do find, however, that I have to give him lead time...my "now" is often different than his.



Have you ever heard of the book "the 5 Love Languages?" It is by Gary Chapman, who is a Christian author, but it is not preachy at all and has some great info and recommendations on marraige to make sure that both partner's needs are being met within the relationship. Sometimes either partner can become passive aggressive or just apathetic, because they are feeling that they are missing out on something in the relationship. The book presents a questionaire to determine your (and your mate's) primary "love language," so each partner can work toward fulfilling the "needs" of the partner within the realationship. It really makes sense the way it is presented. The author breaks the love languages into: 1. acts of service (sounds like the OP may have this as her primary language, and this need is definately not being met), 2. receiving gifts, 3. physical touch, 4. quality time, and 5. Words of affirmation. Often, you can tell a person's primary love language by the things he or she does natuarally...like the person who is always giving great gifts, may have the primary love language of receiving gifts. Does that make sense? It sounds kind of hokey...but when you really spend time thinking about it it does really make a lot of sense.

Now, I deal with the same thing the OP is dealing with, but I have found that when my dh is "happy" and "contented" with the way our relationship is going, then he is much more willing to help out and take more responsibility. For my dh, whose primary love language is "words of affirmation," if I continually let him know that I respect him and his decisions, and praise him lots, he is just much more apt to be helpful without my nagging. Does it always work, NO! But I would rather try to make him feel like his needs are being met and have him willing to meet my greatest needs (acts of service) because he is feeling contented in the realationship.

I guess the long and short of it is, maybe your dh's passive aggressiveness toward the cleaning and picking up after himself is a reflection of how he is feeling in the relationship.? The problem is, it gets to be a vicious cycle. One person feels slighted, then takes it out on the other, who also then feels slighted, and seeks to take it out further on the other......
No one person is to blame, just oblivious of what the other is really seeking in the relationship.


Just a thought.

Hope that things improve for you. I totally understand your frustrations!!

 

[Iott Family]

You probably won't like this answer, but it's the only one I've found in 20 years of marriage: I just gave up on him ever helping around the house.

Seriously.

When we were first married, this was the only thing we ever fought about. In two full decades of marriage, it's the only thing we've fought about on a consistant basis. Over the years I tried EVERYTHING: nagging, scheduling, doing it together, begging, logical arguments, rewarding help, letting it pile up, tears . . . everything worked for a week, nothing worked longer than that . . . and worst of all, it caused massive resentment on both sides. He WILL DO whatever I fuss about, BUT it always leads to a fight, and he NEVER does the same task again unless I continue nagging him. Having a load of dishes done is simply not worth two days of resentment on both our parts.

The simple fact is I have a problem with the house looking like a pigstye -- he doesn't. He will continue to leave trash on the counter right next to the trash can because it just doesn't occur to him that it matters. He will never wash a pot that he doens't want to use RIGHT NOW because he sees no point in putting forth the effort. He has literally never vaccumed the floor, and has never cleaned the bathroom. He considers clean clothes nice, but not necessary. I can't change this about him.

He doesn't leave these things because he figures I'll come along and "fix them"; it's not laziness. Rather, he just doesn't care whether they're done. He doesn't notice (or care) when I do them. He doesn't notice (or care) when I don't do them.

VERY IMPORTANT, THE KEY TO WHY I PUT UP WITH THIS: Except for this problem, he is a wonderful husband, a loving father, a good provider. He has a great sense of humor, lets me have my way on many things, always knows what to get me for my birthday, takes me to great places, sets a good example for our children (in all ways except cleanliness), shares my values, never questions what I spend . . . the list of positives go on and on. But he doesn't give a **** about whether the house is clean.

If this doesn't-give-a-****-about cleaning attitude was one of many problems we had, that'd be one thing. But honestly it's the only thing I'd like to change about him.

So a couple years ago it finally hit me that I have two options:
1. Continue to nag, feel resentful, and fight about the household chores.
2. Just do them myself.

I chose to just do them myself. Yes, sometimes I am resentful -- and I let him know that -- like when things really pile up -- but usually I remind myself of all the postive things he does, and I accept that "giving him a pass" on this cleaning is the best choice for our marriage. Doing it myself takes significantly less energy than fighting with him.

When it comes to things I can't do (i.e., fixing the broken ceiling fan or the leaky faucet), I give him a week and then I call someone. If he doesn't get it done, he's not allowed to complain about the money. He accepts this compromise.

No, it's not right. Yes, it's disrespectful. BUT I'd rather have him and this one problem . . . than to be without him in a spotless house.

Very well said! If this is the only issue then it really should be a non-issue. There are just too many big things couples might have to deal with that this does seem small. But I still stand by my original advice of having OP hire a housekeeper and to step back from the frustration instead of bogging herself down with the stress! She is doing too much of this and not enough of this!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, since this thread is still front page....

I would agree with this last poster if it were as simple as the husband not being a chef, scrubbing toilets, etc.... My husband doesn't do this kind of cleaning either... And that is fine.... He has come a long way, and at least the division of labor is halfway equitable.

But, in this case, the husband is obviously a lazy slob who actively makes messes, such as not even placing his garbage in a trash can. IMHO, that is not acceptable. It just isn't.... I would be appalled seeing somebody being such a slob in public... And, I certainly would not find it appropriate in my own home. Apparently, he could not care less that his wife is exhausted, frustrated, and upset.... That kind of uncaring disrespect is NOT acceptable. There ARE other issues here.

I simply could not state that I had a 'good marriage' with a husband who treated me that way.

To anyone who says to the wife... "do all the work, cause it is worth the marriage", would you also not say to the husband 'Quit being a slob, cause isn't it worth the marriage." Apparently to this husband, he would rather put his wife thru days of anger and passive aggressive behavior over something as simple as washing the dishes or making sure his laundry gets into the hamper. That says a lot.

The OP has stated that she works her fingers to the bone, doing ALL of the household labor, even the outside mowing, weeding, etc...

To me, it is obvious that there are some issues going on here. Both because of the level of the DH's lack of concern (entitlement, passive aggressive, etc...), and because of the OP's commitment to 'doing it all'. (martyr mentality, etc...)

 

[Judy from Boise]

If my DH treated me this way (blatant disrespect) I would not be there for very long. I am very pro marriage, but to me marriage is a partnership where each partner is actively committed to loving and respecting each other.
Honestly you deserve an adult partner, and you won't get one by pretending to be a preschool teacher and modify his behavior through rewards and consequences.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Honestly you deserve an adult partner, and you won't get one by pretending to be a preschool teacher and modify his behavior through rewards and consequences.

The same thing crossed my mind...

A jar of marbles....
How about cookies or balloons!!!!!

I understand that the husband is supposedly a respectable adult, a police officer. Is his cruiser full of filth and trash... (or does the OP take care of that too???) When he is on the job as a police officer, and he stops for lunch, dinner, snacks, or whatever... does he leave his trash like a trail behind him? What about at meetings and training seminars, etc... I think it is a grave mistake to take the attitude that "he is a man, he can't do it, etc..." If he is a halfway normal healthy human being, absolutely can he conduct himself more appropriately.

Unless a person is somehow physically or mentally incapable, then there are simply no excuses.

If there are some underlying issues here (and I still believe that there are, on both parties part - it takes two to tango....) Then my advice to the OP is to address these issues.

The husband is in a very s-w-e-e-e-e-t situation. And, it isn't gonna change because the OP wishes it so. It takes change to facilitate change.

I know my comments sound harsh...
But, I really am not meaning to flame or insult the OP.
It is more like tough advice, tough love.

OP, I wish you the best with this situation.
You really do sound like a wonderful person!!