Chris and Pooh
Ukchrisuk
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Messages
- 1,157
Very tongue in cheek, just for fun
TRAVELLING IN THE UK - ADVICE FOR AMERICANS
Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say, "I'd love to come
to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word
for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen
cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called
"tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a
"great tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously
demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should
hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the
street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only
between people of the same sex.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence
patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots
and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs
will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" - one of the
inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted
anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested,
a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-
bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as
"cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately
owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the
public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are
interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the
public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of
Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several
times a week. Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades
of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best
bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of
Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter
you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at
your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back
and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.
Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he
may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine
grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East
Anglia - try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the
bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever
you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case
you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that
he should run a tab for you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride
in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi
driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!" then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay
your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"),
and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take
me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit
of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist
(little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in
Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there,
ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus for Kew. Don't
forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called
"bumbershoots" - it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are
called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the
"off-license". It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only
means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you
must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be
the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base
of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of
the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes
disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes
were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French
saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement
"Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look
towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes,
though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise
excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating
the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask
one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
Jewish peace organization - the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could
waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent
to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things
on your return trip.
TRAVELLING IN THE UK - ADVICE FOR AMERICANS
Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say, "I'd love to come
to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word
for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen
cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called
"tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a
"great tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously
demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should
hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the
street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only
between people of the same sex.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence
patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots
and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs
will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" - one of the
inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted
anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested,
a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-
bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as
"cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately
owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the
public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are
interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the
public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of
Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several
times a week. Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades
of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best
bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of
Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter
you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at
your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back
and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.
Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he
may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine
grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East
Anglia - try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the
bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever
you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case
you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that
he should run a tab for you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride
in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi
driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!" then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay
your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"),
and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take
me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit
of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist
(little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in
Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there,
ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus for Kew. Don't
forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called
"bumbershoots" - it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are
called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the
"off-license". It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only
means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you
must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be
the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base
of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of
the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes
disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes
were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French
saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement
"Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look
towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes,
though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise
excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating
the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask
one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
Jewish peace organization - the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could
waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent
to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things
on your return trip.
Mind the Gappe! I'll be sure to ask for the Kew shuttle next time i'm in Cardiff. 
Too funny! I almost spit soft drink on my monitor with that one.
